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evil books to fuck up your kid

nobody poops but you

so my roomates girlfriend just caught me in the kitchen and its so hard to play it cool when you never see this person you only hear her yowling like a cat in heat while her asshole gets played with so me, trying to act as casual as i possibly could, forgot i was holding an onion and not a delightful apple and bit into it fully expecting a honeycrisp but instead got the equiv of biting solid piss 

lol wtaf. i can’t read a single word of this paragraph

Home Depot need more small tunnels for me to crawl thru tbh

they hate me for being a slut tbh and maybe also the killings too but that's unlikely

yes babe your final form is so horrifying and uninterpretable by mortal eyes <3

Two heterosexual guys who've know each other for a long time will produce almost 3x the amount of homosexual energy than an actual gay couple and I will not be convinced otherwise

when are they gonna make cigarettes for men

They're called cigars. Heard of 'em?

oh so you like big things in your mouth

this gave me migraine 

spoon under water faucet incident 6 dead 8 injured

if i had two boyfriends id text them a daily ranking list on who was doing better so they could compete for the first spot

this isnt about polyamory this is about me having bitches