Daily, weekly or monthly musings

L’esprit de l’escalier is when a smart thought comes to you when it is too late.

Literally meaning staircase wit.

Denis Diderot said (but in French) "a sensitive man, such as myself, overwhelmed by the argument levelled against him, becomes confused and can only think clearly again [when he reaches] the bottom of the stairs"

I have made choices that have given me that nasty pitted feeling in my stomach. The same feeling food poisoning gives you. The feeling that you'll be sick and poo yourself all at the same time. That might just be me. 

Is it necessary to sometimes do something really horrid 'for the greater good', or is that just the justifications of a shitty person. 

So, I should probably explain... I have broken up with my longterm boyfriend. We've been together for four years. I do love him but we are poison to one another. I don't remember the last time we went a day without arguing. He says horrible things that batter my confidence and I am so sick of arguing that I have avoided conversation.

We had the occasional GREAT day, where we would lose ourselves in one another and encourage, support, enjoy, cherish , laugh and love. Most days however were spent hurting, belittling, insulting and generally destroying one another. When did love get so deranged and painful.

And so there came a point, after perhaps the hundredth accusation of infidelity, that I could no longer stay in the relationship....

"Why wont you talk to me anymore, what have you done behind my back? I knew you'd do this to me, you slut... YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR MOTHER. A DIRTY SELFISH CU......" 

His words turn to white noise. We've been through this before. I know he doesn't mean it and he's just saying what he can to hurt me as I have hurt him.

I have felt this way before. I have always allowed myself to be convinced that next time things will be different. Genuine pleas of repentance have in the past swayed me.

Things are never any different.

I realise that by staying with him I am accepting the way that he treats me, thats no good for him or I.

I also realise that I don't see a future with him... We just muddle through the present.

I realise that this isn't real love, it's obsession and ownership.

I realise I can't continue in this same vein.

I realise I diserve better than this.

I hang up.

I've hung up before. This time I don't answer my phone. I switch it off. I log out of Facebook. I send a message to his Mum asking her to pack up my stuff for imminent collection. I ignore the frantic emails and messages that display the full spectrum of human emotion, from love to hate and back again in the space of a few hours. 

That is how I have left it. No explanation. No room to be persuaded. No closure. No room for forgiveness. Pretty shitty of me. 

After an afternoon of listening to Canray Fontenot and Bois Sec I have been pondering upon the American south, in particular the state of Louisiana …. Louisiana must have been a pretty crazy place to live as independent America was being formed. 

Being English I'm not all that clued up on American independence, but Wikipedia tells me that the French colony of Louisiana was transferred to the rule of the United States in 1803. It was previously under French rule but had colonial settlers of mostly French and Spanish decent.

When the Americans arrived, mostly from New England and the south, they were shocked by the cultural differences between the Creole people and the people of the new United States. 

Louisiana was a veritable pick-an-mix of culture, diversity and tradition. 

It was prominently Catholic- due to the Spanish influence, 

French(ish) speaking- obviously due to the French (and a fair bit to do with the West African slaves, who when partnered with the Creoles created a whole different language, Creole French, spoken by slaves, planters and free people of colour),

People of colour were educated and often free- due to the prevalent usage of the extralegal system Plaçage, which is a wholly new and LONG story, which I may still further ponder upon! 

The strong African traditions of the enslaved were allowed- probably also due to Plaçage.

Now the bit of the story I really like is that the first United States Louisiana governor, W.C.C. Claiborne, was issued with the task of Americanising this diversified culture. Louisiana's liberal lifestyle was not in keeping with the newly independent culture of the United States and had to be reined in.

Claiborne's first move was to make English the official language. Schools, government, the Catholic Church and all public forums were expected to conduct in proper English.

Whoops!

Many Creoles were from the upper-classes and were very rich and powerful people, they were outraged and paraded in the streets and rejected all reform. To make matters worse for Claiborne the Creoles turned there attention to the newly arriving 'rough' Kentucky American traders who were considered, by them, to be quite uncouth. As much as to say if you intend to point the finger expect to see several fingers pointed back at you… 'judge not lest ye be judged'

…and so, as quick as reform came… it went, and French was restored as the official language and the colonial Creole French remained the language of the majority.  

So my daily musings.... it's almost 7pm and I'm not sure I've mused much at all?!

I've only just stumbled upon EPIC BEARD MAN ... Initially I enjoyed it but the more I found out about it the sadder his story became! Nam vet, issues with substance abuse, abandonment, homelessness, old, mentally ill. Though he never claimed to be a hero he was celebrated as one for blooding the face of another man. Now his life is unraveling, probably just as it was before his internet fame but now in public.... Opening him up to judgment and speculation by people who have never encountered him via anything but youtube. People who will be enraptured by his particular brand of crazy. People who will laugh and marvel at his exploits and behaviour. People like me. 

I laughed with my brother.

I wish I'd left it there but the compulsion to research got the better of me.

I didn't really think about the repercussions.

Now I feel guilty for laughing.