- it doesnāt get better, you just learn to focus on the parts that arenāt as shit
- two years laterĀ āi miss my mumā isnāt an excuse to skip class or work
- it should be
- grief doesnāt come in five neat stages, it comes in a tangle of knots going back and forth between the five
- life goes on even in the couple of days between dying and the funeral service. children need to be fed, you need to be fed. youāll be hungry, youāll be bored, youāll talk about nonsense, youāll even laugh, donāt feel guilty.
- you will feel guilty
- nothing will prepare you for what itās like to see a dead body
- if youāre not comfortable seeing her, thatās okay.Ā
- if you want to spend every second you can looking at her, thatās okay too.
- only you can make the right choices for yourself on how to deal with this
- no one, not one person you will talk to, will ever understand how you feel
- not even your siblings
- especially not your siblings
- you forget sometimes
- and then youāll be in a supermarket thinking you need to ask her what else she puts in that recipe
- and then you remember and you need to take a minute, but youāre in the middle of an isle and youāre in the way. people donāt care your mother is dead
- there is never a right moment to tell new people in your life
- all the wise words you were told mean nothing
- and still one day youāll be sitting in a cafe with your friend and youāll be telling your friend those empty words
- the most powerful thing people will say isĀ āi donāt know what to sayā
- you will be lonely
- you will be angry
- you will be sad
- all of this is okay
- there is no right or wrong pace for grief. grief doesnāt have a timeline.Ā
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You ever think about how old people have no idea what āsurvivor biasā is, and take full credit for being excellent out of things where they lucked out?
āBack in my day we didnāt have any of these childhood protective things, we were smart enough not to do stupid shit on our own!ā
Except your little neighbour, who got the funniest idea at the age of seven, and got his skull pierced when he slipped?
āBack in my day nobody got divorced, we stuck together and fixed our problems!ā
What about your cousin, who was slowly killed by her husband because she had nowhere to escape him?
āBack in my day nobody had āmental problemsā, we didnāt whine, we just toughed it out and endured life!ā
Hey remember that guy you used to work with, who seemed really friendly and normal, and then suddenly hanged himself āfor no reasonā?
āBack in my day we didnāt have any of this āgayā or ātransgenderā thing.ā
You did, but your family cut all ties with her before you were born.
Ā You kinda start seeing it in everything they think, if you start looking for it.
To be clear. Shane's whole thing about Ilya being a Sex God is because of the limerence. Ilya is nineteen and he can get a rhythm going and that's about it. He was throwing shit at the wall when he hit that 'Get on your knees' in Nashville but only he knows that because Shane's brain turned OFF. Ilya said "Let's do a little experiment here" and the results were "Oh my god oh my god oh my god." Shane came hands free because he was that obsessed with the idea of Ilya Rozanov being inside him. Ilya said "Do you like that do you like that" because he's nineteen and he needs the validation and Shane was like "YES YES YES I LIKE IT OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO DEEP YOU'RE SO GOOD" and objectively. It was okay. Ilya fully did not know where to put his hands a couple of times. He forgot about Shane's dick. Luckily, Shane is God's special angel who can come from the idea of Ilya's cockhead being in proximity to his prostate a few times. Mind over matter, says Shane Hollander's dick. And then Ilya said "Oh God Hollander" because it was also, objectively, one of the hottest things that had ever happened to HIM, Ilya Rozanov. Shane sits on that step afterwards plotting about how he's gonna get this over and over and over again for the rest of his life and he has no idea that there are women in Boston who have Ilya listed in their contacts as "Hockey Guy 6/10". Shane Hollander cannot fathom a world in which Ilya Rozanov doesn't lay the maddest pipe this side of Lake Michigan. "Ilya Rozanov is a some kind of nineteen year old sex God" No Shane honey he was just designed in a lab to score goals and make you cum and he's done scoring goals for the night.
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I'm a firm believer that Cliff Marleau had to be told that Shane Hollander and Montreal Jane were the same person. I am of the belief that when the Fanmail video leaked, Cliff thought "oh, it must not have worked out with Montreal Jane but my boy bagged Shane fucking Hollander, so it's fine." He does think it's a little funny that both of the people Ilya's been seriously involved with are based in Montreal but he still doesn't put it together.
Irina is a smart and curious child with big dreams. She gets into figure skating. Sheās good, she wants to be the best. In her late teens she gets a boyfriend. Heās good at first, sweet, but soon starts getting jealous and controlling. Every time sheās not with him, she has to tell him what sheās doing and with whom. She stops going out, she gets more and more isolated. Sheās with him all the time. Itās not enough. When she arrives 5 minutes later than the agreed upon time, he accuses her of cheating and hits her.
Sheās 19 now, she hasnāt been with him for almost a year. Sheās doing better. Her mother asks her if she doesnāt want to start going out again. She means well. Sheās so beautiful. She meets an older man. He isnāt as sweet as her first boyfriend was, but look where that got her. He treats her well and clearly cares about her. He works for the police and is well connected. Heāll protect her.
Sheās 20 now and pregnant. She wanted to try figure skating again. Or maybe go to college. Grigori keeps calling her a silly girl. He tells her she only has to make him look good. Sheās so pretty. She just needs to not embarrass him. Canāt she see how the other wives behave? How is it so difficult to organize a party? Doesnāt she have everything she needs?
Alexei is born and sheās so tired. She doesnāt know what sheās doing wrong. She wants her mother but Grigori barely lets her see her. Alexei is a difficult baby, she thinks. He cries all the time. She canāt get him to eat. She canāt get him to sleep. She has barely slept herself. āHow is this so difficult for you?ā, she hears, āevery woman does it.ā She dreams of disappearing.
Alexei finally sleeps for a few hours and meal time is easier now that he eats solid foods. She likes spending time with him. But he needs her too much sometimes. Thereās something in him that reminds her of Grigori. She doesnāt dwell on that; she canāt resent her own child. She dreams of having her own house, of skating, of going to school again.
Grigori thinks she spends too much time with Alexei. Heās a big boy now, he shouldnāt need his mother so much. He starts getting jealous of his own son. She leaves Alexei crying sometimes; itās better that way. She needs to pay attention to Grigori.
Alexei has a fever and Grigori tells her to get dressed; they have a party to attend. She tells him no; she will stay and take care of her child. He grabs her, locks her in her room, and reminds her of her place in the house. She can hear Alexei crying, a weak cry. She starts screaming and banging on the door, she has to get out. Something breaks and she canāt hear Alexei anymore. Her throat is raw from screaming when the door is open. āYou will remember what I can do.ā She doesnāt say no again. She starts thinking of her plan to leave, she will try to take Alexei. She will be good for now.
Sheās pregnant again. She canāt sleep; she canāt eat. Alexei is acting strange, has more tantrums. Heās cruel sometimes, he keeps reminding her of Grigori. She canāt have another son. She will not survive all the crying and sleepless nights. She keeps making monsters. She mustnāt think that. Alexei keeps asking for her attention. Grigori reminds her she needs to spend time with him; she is not to lock herself with her child again. She needs to leave. Her life is over. She will never escape now.
The moments she has alone, she keeps talking to her son. Ilya, she will name him. Heās her only comfort now. She begs him to please help her. He canāt be difficult. She will do her best to protect him, but he has to be good. She tells him her fears, she confides in him. Sheās terrified. āPlease donāt be like your brother, please.ā She loves Alexei, she does. āI wonāt survive if you are like him.ā She will need to find a way to leave.
Ilya is born. He looks like her. Heās a sweet baby, nothing like Alexei. He eats when she asks. He sleeps through the night. He never cries. She worries about that sometimes but when she looks at him, he looks well. Big eyes focused on her. Heās starting to smile now, every time he looks at her, he smiles. She canāt help but smile back. She continues to talk to him, tells him all her worries, asks him to help her. Heās all sheās got.
Alexei is getting more difficult now. He never stands still, always running, always breaking things. Grigori doesnāt like that, tells her she doesnāt know how to raise him. Alexei gets in trouble in preschool, heās hitting other kids. The teachers say heās a cruel boy. Grigori makes him change schools. She wonders if they were right, if whatever is wrong with Grigori, whatever is wrong with her that makes her hate her own child sometimes, has been passed to him. But then she sees the way he is with Ilya, so gentle, so careful, always making him laugh. Ilya canāt take his eyes off him, always trying to copy him. Ilyaās first word is Alexeiās name. Ilya is like that, bringing the best in everyone.
Ilya is 3 now. He loves playing with mama. They are picking flowers outside when he sees Alexei. He rushes to him and offers him the prettiest one, tall and golden yellow with pink on the outside. Alexei doesnāt even look at it and shoves him to the side. His father is right behind, an angry look on his face. He pats his head and goes inside. Thereās loud noises. He looks at the ground and the flower is destroyed. His mama is hugging him and thatās when he notices heās crying. āForgive himā he hears her say, āhe doesnāt know how to do better. Maybe we can make him a drawing to cheer him up.ā At night he goes to Alexeiās room to give him the drawing but he doesnāt go in. He notices some bruises on his wrist, like he sees in mama sometimes. He wonders if she noticed.
Mama is lying in bed. She had been there with her eyes open for a few hours, the way she is sometimes, when he went to her. Sheās petting his hair now, itās nice. āHave I ever told you about the boy I dated before I met your father?ā He hears her talk about a man whoād scream at her and hit her. She tells him about leaving him. She seems so small, her eyes are on the ceiling, her voice goes on. He closes his eyes and hugs her. āWhat is wrong with me to keep choosing this? How can they sense it in me?ā She is the strongest person he knows. He can hear Alexei turning up the volume of the TV in the living room.
Ilya started hockey lessons. He loves how fast he can go, itās like heās flying. His father goes to see him sometimes, itās the only time heās seen him smile at him. He prefers when he goes with mama, she always tells him heās the best. The coach is talking to his father now. He has his ear to the door but he canāt make out any of the words. When his father opens the door he doesnāt say a word. Later, he takes him out to eat ice-cream and tells him heāll be the best no matter what it takes. It doesnāt feel good like when mama tells him, it feels like an order.
Yesterday kids at school made fun of him for playing with flowers. They say heās like a girl with pretty curly hair. But they donāt say it kindly like his mama when she tells him heās beautiful. They say it with fists and kicks that left a bruise on his tummy. So he decided, today he will not be going to school. Mama finds him in bed, he tells her heās scared. āYes, itās scary,ā he hears, ābut youāre brave.ā
Heās alone at school today but he prefers it that way, no one bothers him. He sees a girl coming his way and he wants her to leave. He will not be rude though, so he just makes a silly face at her. She beams, takes his hand and says āyouāre such a stupid boy, Iām Svetaā They are running now and he never wants to stop. He thinks he loves her.
Alexei has been watching TV for over an hour now. He promised Ilya he would play with him, so Ilya decided to turn it off to remind him. Heās chasing him through the house now, but heās not mad, he can hear him laughing. He turns back to look at him smile, when his father opens the door. It hits him and he falls to the floor. Heās never seen his father so angry. Two punches followed by a whimper and his brother is on the floor. āYou should know better, you canāt let him do whatever he wants.ā āYes papa, thank you papa.ā His father leaves without looking at him. Ilya reaches for his brother, he wants to comfort him, but gets shoved away. Thereās blood on his shirt now and an ache on his ribs. Good, itās him who deserved to get hurt.
Heās going home from school when some older boys show up. He knows they are trouble. They are going after him, and heās running as fast as he can when Alexei shows up. He can rest now, Alexei will always protect him.
Heās trying to skate but his legs are too heavy. Heās too hot and too cold at the same time. His head hurts. Keeping upright is hard but he knows if he sits down, he will not be able to stand up again. He throws up and his coach is calling him. He will be calling his parents. āPlease donāt, please donātā, he dreads seeing his fatherās face if he has to leave early. Itās his mama who picks him up. The way home is hard, heās too tired. She helps him get into bed. Heās burning up. āHeās lazy and a liar, you canāt believe everything that boy says, youāre turning him too soft,ā he can hear his fatherās voice on the phone. His mama comes back. She gently rubs his back, his face, his wrists. āNo Ilyusha, he loves you.ā He falls asleep.
His father is screaming at mama. He canāt make out all the words but itās enough; āsissy, soft, youāre ruining him.ā He grabs her and pins her down, red, angry face so close to hers. Heās at his fatherās back, tiny fingers trying to hold his hands; heās in the air now, being taken to the bathroom. He locks Ilya in there. He can hear everything in the other room. āIāve calm down, papa. Thank you, papa.ā He opens the door now, he can leave. Heās on his mamaās bed, can feel her making soft circles on his wrist. Later at night, when he can hear his father snoring, he goes into their room. He crawls to his motherās side and notices sheās looking at him, tears in her eyes that wonāt fall. He lies on the floor and holds her hand, watches her as she falls asleep. It becomes a habit; he always has to check on her.
Alexei broke a window playing football. Heās not breathing right, words scrambled on their way out of his mouth. āYou have to tell him it was you. He wonāt hurt you.ā Ilya can still see his fatherās hand on his arm.
Ilya got punched today, some boys at school who didnāt like him. Sveta is helping him clean his wounds like she has done so many times before. Alexei sees him and Ilya feels a little safer. āWhen will you learn to toughen up? Such a fag.ā Sveta kicks his shin.
Word gets around that Ilya is the best at hockey. Heās bigger now, stronger. Boys donāt mess with him anymore. Heās learned that he can be loud and mean, and everyone wants to be around him. Heās never felt more alone.
His father is going to hit his mama, heās sure. He raises his hand and Ilya holds it. āStop.ā His father is looking at him, twists his arm. It hurts but he doesnāt show it. It gets him to stop. āMy sweet guardian angel, you will always protect me,ā his mama tells him. āPromise me youāll always be my sweet, soft boy. He canāt take that from you.ā He turns his head away from her, tears running down his face.
Heās beating records now. He can hear his coaches saying heās the best theyāve ever seen. He remembers skating for the first time with his mama. He will get her out of here, he will be the best and make sure they will escape.
His mama spends days on her bed, not moving, barely eating. He talks to her one day, asks her if sheās ever thought of leaving. āI canāt leave you Ilyusha, youāre my reason to stay.ā āTake me with you,ā he doesnāt say.
His mama is having a good day today. They spent the whole morning together like when he was little. They have to go to school in the evening, Alexei is receiving an award. Itās almost time, heās changed his clothes. His mama is napping but heāll have to wake her. She wonāt move, she wonāt breathe. Sheās holding her necklace, heās holding her. Thereās a ringing in his ears, he can hear a high, ragged sound but he canāt tell where itās coming from. His father is in the room now, telling him to move. His feet wonāt cooperate. He gets pushed away. āThis was an accident,ā his tone brooks no argument. In his own room, he realizes his throat is raw. He looks at his hand and sees the cross staring at him. āYouāre free now. You should have taken me with youā, he doesnāt say.
Alexei wonāt look at Ilya anymore. Ilya keeps practicing and heās getting better and better, no one can compare to him. Alexei wonāt look at him. His father brings him to parties, introduces him to all the right people. He will be a star. āI have to keep him in line, he gets lazy otherwise.ā Alexei is in a bathroom somewhere hooking up with a girl and doing coke. He still wonāt look at him. Ilya gets more and more popular. Alexei will join the police, like father did before. His father wonāt look at Alexei.
He meets Sasha. He likes him. Heās fun and Ilya can be fun with him. People enjoy when heās fun. Sasha can be soft too, in his own way. Ilya appreciates that, he hasnāt been soft in a long time.
Ilya starts hooking up with girls sometimes and heās having fun. They like that he doesnāt care and when heās a little mean. He prefers Sveta though, they can cuddle afterwards.
He sleeps with Sasha and thatās a different rush. He feels unstoppable. Heās the best, even Sveta thinks so, and she knows more than anyone else.
He knows heās good but now heāll have an opportunity to show it too. Shane Hollander thinks he canāt see right through him, but he wonāt act so nice once Ilya beats him. He knows what heās like, perfect, golden boy, from a perfect, golden family. Heās not used to competition. But why does he seem genuine then?
Hollander is good. Not as good as him, but good. Playing is fun again. And heās learning that teasing him is even more fun. He keeps thinking about him, but thatās only because heās not used to having someone on his level.
He gets drafted first. He is the best like he promised his mama. He escaped, but he isnāt free.
Hollander is a surprise. Heās never had this much fun with anyone else. Heās a risk and thatās part of it. He keeps feeling wrong-footed, he doesnāt follow the same script as everyone else. He hides so much and yet heās so genuine. He canāt stop poking him, and poking him, and poking him. And Hollander lets him. Seems to like it. Itās exhilarating.
He needs to be pushed, to be teased, to be touched. But he also craves gentleness and softness. Ilya can give him that without it being more.
He sees his face on a stupid ad. He wants to text him. He had a good practice today. He wants to text him. Heās making friends, and going out. He wants to text him. He texts Sveta instead.
Hollander wants him, thatās clear. And thatās good, heās used to being wanted, he likes being needed. He can give him what he wants. He can make it fun, so Hollander will keep coming back.
Ilya is back in Russia. His father is getting sicker, Alexei is unbearable, only talks to him to ask for more. Ilya almost hit him today. He really is his fatherās son.
Ilya needs Hollander, wants to text him. But heās reminded of the poison that is his family, heās reminded of the risks. He wonāt risk Hollander.
He wins the Stanley Cup. He escaped, but he still isnāt free. āFor you Mama, it was always for you.ā
Hollander still wants him and it gets easier to breathe. He likes how he reacts to his teasing and itās good sex, thatās the only reason. No point in stopping, itās just having fun and they both clearly enjoy it. He wonāt ruin him though, he wonāt get close, thereās no reason to. Ilya dreams of an escape, but he will just keep hanging around for as long as he wants him to.
It keeps being fun. Heās never felt more alive. Playing is better than ever. He goes out, his teammates like him. Heās popular, everyone wants him. Heās not hooking up with random people as much but thatās because heās feeling better than ever, he doesnāt need it as much anymore, and thatās the only reason.
He wonders what Hollander is doing, what he's eating, what he's reading. He collects little pieces of information, how he looks when he focuses, how he talks to reporters and how he chirps on the ice. He wants to know.
Heās counting down the days to meeting Hollander. Heās texting him. He thinks it would be good to hang out with him more, outside of sex. He wants him to stay the night. He wants him to drink the ginger ale he bought for him. He wants to cook him a meal and he wants him to eat it. He wants to kiss him. He wants to hold him. He wants and wants and wants.
He learned that he canāt want things a long time ago, but heās stupid, it takes too many times for it to truly sink in. Every time he sees Shane with her, heās reminded of the same lesson. He wasnāt made to have, only to give.
He knows Shane wants him, heāll just have to accept that itās only for this. He can be fun, he can give him that.
Seeing Shane again is better and worse than he could have anticipated. He canāt stop looking at him. Maybe he can have him again, and without her, which is better than he imagined.
Shane wants more, but he doesnāt understand. Ilya isnāt that, he isnāt big and fun and laid back, heās broken, and small, and scared. He canāt want that, so why does it feel like maybe he can?
His father dies and he has no reason to see his brother again. It should be freeing, heās not sure why it doesnāt feel that way.
He calls Shane, he always wants to talk to him. For once, he is the one who wants more, more, more, but heās learning to be happy with what he gets.
He canāt breathe. He wants to go to him and hold his hand. Heās not moving. Is he breathing? He needs to get to him. His feet wonāt cooperate. He gets pushed away. Everything his heart touches dies.
Heās fine and smiling and relaxed. He is okay. He will be okay. He wants to comfort him. He wants to give him everything he asks for. He canāt tell him no, but he doesnāt know how to make this possible.
Scott Hunter is kissing a man and he hopes. Maybe he will be free.
Heās scared, but he can be brave, he can be soft. Heās trying, he shares little by little and Shane catches him. He can be loud, and fun, and mean, and scared, and small, and soft. Heās always there. He looks at big sad eyes with tears that wonāt fall and he remembers. He hears him laugh and sees him smile and he remembers. He wants to hide, but heās held and he remembers. Shane looks at him and sees him and he remembers. He can be loved.
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gay men brought back 70s mustaches, lesbians brought back 80s mullets, and now straight dudes are just walking around with both thinking they stumbled onto this styling choice by accident. say the line meryl (cerulean sweater monologue but specifically about how gay culture creates taste)