✨femme rage✨

“Oh, wow, sorry, I didn’t mean to…well, I didn’t know. My mom didn’t say anything when she said she had spoken to your mom about whether or not you were coming to the wedding,” Johnny says with a little bit of ramble. 

“You know how my mom can be, I haven’t had the chance to tell her yet,” you deflect. 

“I’m happy for you, then,” Johnny says. 

“Thanks, I’m happy for you, too,” you force out. Somehow, it doesn’t sound like the lie you know that it is.

“So, it’s not weird, then? I mean our moms are best friends, so the rest of your family is all going to be there. A lot of your friends will be there. I know you haven’t RSVP’d yet, but…” Johnny starts.

“Nope! Not weird at all,” you utter, hoping that your voice sounds even. “It’d be weirder if I wasn’t there, right?” 

“Probably, yeah,” Johnny says. “That’s great, though. Do you want me to mark you down as a yes? I can even add a plus-one, if you want to bring your partner.” 

“That’s so thoughtful, but I wouldn’t want to put you out. I know how expensive weddings can be,” you say and try to sound sincere.

“No, it’s no issue, actually. We have a few extra seats that we left just in case we forgot someone or didn’t know about someone’s partner,” Johnny presses. “So we’ll see you both there?”

“Yeah, you will,” you hurry out. This conversation needs to be over. 

It’s only an hour after hanging up with your ex-fiancee that your mom calls to tell you she can’t believe she had to hear it from Mrs. Suh that you’re dating someone. Which includes a whole lot of deflecting and promises about when she can meet this mystery man. Another twenty minutes after you hang up with your mom, you get a pointed text from your younger sister. The two of you haven’t ever been all that close, so she shouldn’t be surprised that you haven’t mentioned him. She made her side pretty clear when she maintained her friendship with Johnny’s new fiancée. That new fiancee, a close friend of your sisters, also just so happened to be the girl he cheated on you with. So, she can hardly expect to have a close sister bond. Yet, she seems oddly suspicious that she didn’t know you were seeing someone seriously. 

Your quiet Saturday afternoon turns into a full blown headache all thanks to one call from the asshole that you really thought you left in the past. Of course, now is the perfect time for him to pop back up. Now, when you’re even between any sort of casual sex. Now, when you don’t even have someone that you can call up to pretend to date you. This is going to be one of the worst calls that you have to make when you have to admit you made it all up, that you will absolutely not be showing your face at the wedding, and you will also be changing your name before moving away.

For now, you do the only thing that you can think of doing. You call the only person that can give you any perspective on this whole fucking disaster. 

“Well hello,” your best friend answers. 

“Jeonghan, I fucked up,” you say without preamble. 

“This is gonna be good,” he responds. 

“I just got off the phone with my mom,” you begin.

“What did she want?” he asks, knowing that it won’t be anything good.

“Well, you know, to talk about this new boyfriend of mine,” you continue.

“You haven’t dated anyone in forever,” Jeonghan chuckles. 

“Thank you for that,” you snark. “And then, of course, I get a text from my perfect sister wondering why she’s also just hearing about this boyfriend of mine.” 

“Why do your sister and your mom think you’re dating someone?” Jeonghan asks.

“Oh, well, you know. Johnny called today,” you offer.

“Fuck that guy,” Jeonghan interjects.

“He wanted to know why I hadn’t responded to his wedding invite and assumed it was awkward because I was single, so I told him I was seeing someone,” you finally finish.

“For fuck’s sake,” Jeonghan says into the silence and you can imagine his face.

“Right? My life is a fucking mess and now Johnny thinks that I’m bringing my boyfriend,” you groan.

“I’ll start planning the story for why you suddenly left town,” Jeonghan says. 

“For real, my life is over,” you whine.

“What are you gonna do?” Jeonghan asks softly. 

This is really why you called him. Jeonghan is a shithead, sometimes, and he can be a bit of a chaos demon. He also can be a bit of a schemer, especially when it comes to winning a game. But, he’s unfailingly kind and caring to the people he holds dear. He absolutely hates getting into any kind of real conflict with his friends. There’s that whole side to him that honestly wouldn’t hurt a fly and always has a way to comfort. That’s the side that you get now. 

“I don’t know,” you answer, voice just as quiet. “I’m just…I don’t want to let him win, you know?”

And Jeonghan does know. You’ve been friends since before you started dating Johnny. Even though he never liked him, Jeonghan supported you in your relationship. When Johnny proposed, he called your other friends and set up the best engagement party anyone could ask for. From the outside, nobody would ever know that he hated your partner. Honestly, he’s the best friend anyone in the world could ask for. 

Before he got around to setting up the bridal shower, which he’d been quietly planning for months, your whole world turned upside down. Johnny cheated, had been cheating awhile, actually, and Jeonghan was there to pick up the pieces. Somehow, he was the only one that seemed to make it better, probably because he didn’t want to act like things were okay when they weren’t. It was easy to cry in front of him, easy to be vulnerable, easy to just let the process play out so you could heal. Even though he never liked Johnny, he also didn’t say he told you so. This had never been something that crossed his mind. 

“Okay, you’re gonna hate it, but I have an idea,” Jeonghan says.

“Those are never comforting words coming from you,” slips out of your mouth.

“Usually I’d yell at you, but…” he trails off. 

“I swear, if you’re about to say that we pretend to be dating like some romcom, I will hang up the phone,” you warn.

“First of all, that’s rude, I’m a great boyfriend,” Jeonghan says. 

“I never said you weren’t, Hannie, you know I think you’re gorgeous,” you sigh. 

“That’s true, I am,” Jeonghan says through a laugh.

“But, I also know you remember what an unmitigated disaster it was when we fucked,” you point out, earning an even louder laugh. 

“Wow, and here I thought that it was actually great sex,” he says. 

“I’m not gonna keep stroking your ego, I already admitted you were gorgeous. I don’t need to praise the sex, too,” you declare.

“Stroking my…come on, you’re making it too easy,” Jeonghan points out.

“Funny, because I remember you being the easy one that night,” you say, finally managing to get a shot in.

“I hate you,” Jeonghan snorts. 

“I know,” you answer. “Didn’t you say that you had an idea?” 

Jeonghan clears his throat. “Right, yeah. Well, I know this guy and maybe he can help you out.” 

“What is he, an escort?” you snort out.

“Do you want my help or not?” Jeonghan asks.

“Yoon Jeonghan, are you about to set me up with an escort?” you challenge.

“No, of course not, just trust me,” he says.

Just trust me might be the three most terrifying words that could come out of Jeonghan’s mouth, especially when you’re not usually on the receiving end of his schemes. It’s not like you have much choice, though. The wedding is in six weeks and you have to find a solution, fast. So, what choice do you have other than trusting your best friend? How could this go wrong? 

You still think this is a terrible idea, yet agree to meet Jeonghan’s friend, Joshua, anyway. Apparently, he’s somewhat new to the area, doesn’t know many people, and is incredibly easy to be around. There’s no mention of why Jeonghan thinks he might be willing to pretend to be your boyfriend. A part of you wonders if your friend even told him, but he’s not that cruel. So, whatever the case, Joshua must at least have some idea of what he’s walking into. 

Several days pass between the nightmare of a call from Johnny and you actually meeting Joshua, which only adds to your anxiety about whether or not this is going to work. Johnny is asking for a name for the seating chart and for dinner selections. Your mom wants to know when they’ll be able to meet this new boyfriend before the wedding (because “meeting him for the first time at a wedding is gauche” and we wouldn’t want that). Your sister is convinced that he doesn’t actually exist since you haven’t posted him on social media. That you can at least answer to say that not everyone posts their entire life online like she does. It doesn’t seem to allay her suspicions, though. 

Then, there’s the fact that you’re actually meeting Joshua for the first time at dinner. All you wanted was to go for coffee, yet he insisted. You couldn’t exactly press the point. Not when you’re planning to ask this stranger to pretend to date you just so that you can avoid the embarrassment at your ex’s wedding. On top of that, because Jeonghan really is a demon at his core, you don’t know what Joshua looks like. Don’t know who to look for. Which leads to you doing the only sensible thing and showing up 5 minutes late for dinner, hoping that he’ll already be at the table when you get there.

It works.

When you give the reservation name at the host stand, you’re immediately led back to a table. Without even thinking about it, you smooth your hands down the front of your dress, looking for a small amount of comfort in this situation. It’s not even that you struggle around new people, this is just…well, it’s a lot. It’s out of anyone’s comfort zone. Whatever you’re expecting, it’s not the man sitting at the table the host leads you to. He nearly stops you in your tracks. 

His black hair is perfectly styled down to the pieces on one side that come down over his forehead. The black dress shirt he wears is open at least one button too many, but he makes the exposed chest look work in a way models would envy. Even though his pants are black as well, he makes it look classic and effortless, rather than too dark. That’s all without even acknowledging the soft smile on his face. This man would break a thousand hearts without even saying a damn word. While you’re appreciating him, you miss the way his eyes rake over you appreciatively. Miss the way his eyes trace your curves and the way the dress clings to you. 

In one fluid motion, he’s standing up to greet you, a gentle kiss placed on your cheek. Is it weird if your knees are a little weak? Well, even if it is, there’s nothing you can do. You’re completely captivated. 

“You must be Joshua,” you say. Brilliant, you think. That’s obvious.

“It’s nice to meet you. Jeonghan had nothing but good things to say,” he answers with another smile as he pulls your seat out for you. 

“I feel like he hardly told me about you,” you respond. Joshua raises a perfect eyebrow at that.

“Then why did you agree to go out with me?” Joshua asks. 

“Go out with…is this a date?” The question comes tumbling out. 

Joshua’s eyes widen in genuine confusion. “Is it not?” 

“What, exactly, did Jeonghan say to you?” 

A lot and nothing at all, it turns out. Joshua tells you about how he’s somewhat new to the area, which you knew. About how he met Jeonghan through work, kind of. They work in the same building doing very different things and happened to run into each other getting coffee a handful of times before Jeonghan introduced himself. The two had hung out several times, something Jeonghan had not really mentioned, and gotten to know each other over drinks more than once. The very first time, Jeonghan had mentioned you and Joshua admits immediately being intrigued without pressing for more information. 

In any case, Jeonghan talked about you pretty freely, a fact that’s hardly surprising. Before Joshua texted you, Jeonghan had mentioned, in what Joshua calls an offhand way, that you were sick of dating the same people. According to Joshua, through Jeonghan, you were looking to possibly be set up. (Read: Jeonghan thinks he’s crafty and isn’t going to come out and tell this man what you’re really looking for. Typical Jeonghan, honestly. You know that “offhand comment” was anything but. And you had the audacity to think Jeonghan would have to tell Joshua what he’s getting into. Rookie move.)

Now you’re in a bit of an awkward situation because this man is honestly gorgeous, one of the prettiest humans you’ve ever met. And, already, he seems like he might be sweet with a pretty good sense of humor. It’s just…well, you’re absolutely not looking for a relationship and this is the last person you want to get involved in your mess. Thankfully, you get a moment to catch your breath when someone comes by to take a drink order and suggest an appetizer. It’s just enough time for you to talk yourself into telling Joshua the real story.

To his credit, he only looks mildly surprised as you outline your whole situation, inform him that yes, Jeonghan does know all of this, and clarify why you didn’t actually realize it was a date. It’s hard to miss the way his eyes seem to sparkle a bit when you also admit that he’s absolutely stunning in a way that hurts your feelings. Easier to miss is the way his face barely falls when you say that you’re not actually looking for something right now. Interesting. 

“So that’s the whole thing and now that I’ve embarrassed myself in front of you, I’m sure you’ll understand if we never see each other after tonight,” you finish.

“How am I supposed to go to a wedding as your boyfriend in a matter of weeks if we don’t see each other after tonight?” Joshua wonders.

“I…what?” you sputter out. 

“Well, sure, we need to work out a few details, but I’m game,” Joshua says with a shrug.

“I’m sorry, I think I’m just really confused?” You don’t even have food yet and this is already the most interesting date you’ve been on, possibly ever. 

“I, uh, may have left a part of my past out when I was sharing what Jeonghan knew about me,” Joshua says. “And honestly, I can’t believe I didn’t catch it or that he did this. I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed by how crafty it was.” 

“I’m going to need you to connect some dots for me,” you admit. “Oh and also never tell Jeonghan you appreciate him being crafty. His ego is too big as it is.”

“The first time Jeonghan and I hung out, we went out for drinks, got a little wasted, and I told him about how I got through my university studies without any debts,” Joshua says, pausing long enough for someone to set the appetizer down. “He’s observant, Jeonghan, I’ll give him that. He noticed I had designer clothes, shoes, that kind of thing. And he noticed I didn’t pay attention to the prices of the drinks. So I made a vague comment about being lucky to have found a way through my studies without taking out loans.”

“I’m sure he asked you about that, he loves it when he thinks there’s a scheme,” you note with a smile.

“You’re right about that,” Joshua agrees. “So I, well I told him. When I was in school, I met this woman out one night and she paid me to go to events with her. She wanted, and these were her words, ‘someone young and hot’ with her. And the next four years, that’s what I did. I let people pay for me to go to events with them. Never more than that. I was clear that I wasn’t selling sex or anything, just company.” 

You lean back in your seat with an appraising look. “An entrepreneur from the beginning.” 

“Hey, no judgment,” Joshua says. All you can do is smile.

“I’m not judging, that was really smart and you’re obviously attractive enough for it,” you acknowledge.

“Thank you,” Joshua says. It doesn’t have the air of cockiness Jeonghan’s answer would. He actually seems sincere in accepting the compliment. 

“But, I’m still not going to pay you to pretend to be my boyfriend,” you say, even if it’s a bit reluctant. 

“I wasn’t asking you to,” Joshua shrugs. “You don’t have to pay me.”

“Why would you offer to pretend to do something like this? You don’t even know me,” you point out.

“No, I don’t. But, you seem like a good person. And I like Jeonghan, he’s nice…” Joshua says, stopping when you try to cover a scoff. 

“Nice?” you question when you’re caught.

“Wrong word choice,” Joshua dismisses. “He seems like the kind of person that’s a loyal friend, like he would go into battle to protect you. Like someone you can actually trust.”

“He is all of those things, yeah,” you admit.

“And if those things are true, then him holding you out as his best friend means you’re probably all of those things too,” Joshua reasons. 

“I try to be,” you agree. 

“Plus, Jeonghan did mention you had seriously dated someone that was pretty rich, so I figure it’s probably the guy getting married and it’ll be a nice wedding,” Joshua says with a smile. The joke is obvious by the look in his eyes.

“It’s interesting that he mentioned Johnny, that’s my ex, being rich,” you idly comment.

“Is he not?” Joshua wonders.

“Jeonghan is a lot of things, but he’d never lie to his friends,” you answer first. “So, yeah, he is. Well, his family is at least. His mom and mine run a lot of events together, like galas and shit. That’s how we all know each other.”

“Are you rich, too?” Joshua wonders. There’s that little twinkle of something in his eyes again, but there’s also sincerity.

“I’m still not paying you,” you retort.

“Fine,” Joshua agrees. 

You roll your eyes. “Okay, so what’s the plan?” 

There’s a weird world’s colliding feeling to having both Jeonghan and Joshua in your apartment. But, Jeonghan doesn’t like to be left out of things. Once you told him that you and Joshua both knew about his scheming, he offered to help in any way he could. Which is likely just so he’s included. You’ll take what you can get. Now, it means that he and Joshua are sitting on your couch, scrolling through pictures on Joshua’s phone to decide what to include in an instagram post. That’s the first step you and Joshua agreed on. If you’re going to sell this whole fake relationship, then your sister actually is right. There has to be some sort of proof of it online. Which also means that your post has to talk about how you’ve been keeping it quiet and just enjoying getting to know each other without any pressure. Jeonghan takes credit for that, even if you got there on your own. 

“I think I like this one,” Jeonghan says and turns the phone around to show you. 

“Why that one?” you ask. 

“Why not? Don’t you like it?” Joshua worries.

“I don’t know, I feel like my hand is doing something weird,” you point out.

“You look great,” Joshua assures you.

“Oh, ew, you’re not really dating,” Jeonghan complains. 

“You do know you’re going to have to stop saying that, right?” you ask.

“Maybe I didn’t know either,” Jeonghan shrugs.

“No, I’m with her, you’re her best friend and you definitely would’ve known,” Joshua agrees. 

“Why are you on her side already?” Jeonghan whines.

“Because she’s cool and she’s not the one who knew what I did in college and set me up,” Joshua says with a laugh. 

This is how it’s been going for the last hour. You’re not really much for putting a lot of effort into your posts, so this all feels like too much. But, you know that it’s important for it to feel real and it’s important to get it right. You’re honestly pretty happy to just let the guys take the lead and go with the flow of it all. There are going to be plenty of opportunities for you to take the lead. You’re going to take your breaks where you can. 

(That had also meant not putting up too much of a fight when Jeonghan told you to bring multiple outfits with you. Or when you had to change your hairstyle and makeup between the photos so it looked like they hadn’t all been taken the same day. Honestly, this was so much easier for Joshua. Then again, he’s the one doing you a favor. So maybe you can let him have it.)

After you finally get your couple pictures posted, and get a flurry of messages ranging from surprise to congratulations, you move onto preparing Joshua to meet your parents, your sister, and her husband. Jeonghan is actually a lot of help with that because he’s been around them a lot. Well, he’s helpful after he tries to scare Joshua about how intimidating it’s going to be only to give up when Joshua is unbothered. He’s so calm about everything that it’s actually kind of nice to be around. And he has no problem firing back at Jeonghan, which is really fun to watch. 

You go through what your parents are like, what they do both for work and as hobbies. Joshua perks up at the mention of your dad loving music and sometimes spending his weekends just exploring new venues. It seems like there might be more to that, though you don’t press when he waves it off. It’s different when you talk about your sister, two years younger and already married. Not that you’re dying to be married or even care that she got married before you. That’s always seemed like a weird societal expectation, anyway. What does it matter when anyone gets married? If it’s their right person, then it makes sense. You being upset over your failed engagement really doesn’t have anything to do with your sister’s marriage, despite her instance it does. 

It becomes obvious that you’re losing Jeonghan’s attention when you turn down his request to start playing games or watch a movie. It’s not that you don’t want to do those things, it’s just that you have a lot to cover in far less time than you realized. Sure, the wedding is still weeks away. What’s not weeks away is your first dinner with your family. That’s going to be around the corner. The least you could do, you figured, was plan a time before posting pictures on instagram. So, Jeonghan asks if it’s okay to leave and you almost sigh in relief. This will be easier without an extra person.

“Not to pry, but what’s the deal with you and Jeonghan?” Joshua asks when you settle back on the couch with a glass of wine. 

“What do you mean?” you ask.

“I don’t know, I feel like I was picking up on something,” Joshua shrugs.

“We’re really just friends,” you assure him.

“Sometimes those are the best…” Joshua starts.

“Don’t,” you cut off. He worries for a second before he realizes you’re smiling. “We did try. Not so much a try, I guess, but we slept together maybe 6 months after Johnny and I broke it off and it just wasn’t it.” 

“You and him slept together?” Joshua questions.

“Is that weird for you?” you ask.

“No, it’s just interesting that you’re still so close,” Joshua observes.

“I guess,” you say with a shrug. “He’s great, obviously attractive, but we just, I don’t know. I didn’t feel anything. Neither did he. So, staying friends seemed like the right choice.”

“Interesting,” is all Joshua says. “Have you dated anyone seriously since Johnny?” 

“Not that seriously, no,” you admit. “I’ve gone on dates with different people and some of them stuck around for a bit, but nothing serious.” 

“Not finding the right people?” Joshua presses.

“I just haven’t found anyone that made me feel like Johnny did at the beginning or even like I did when he proposed,” you say. 

“I can understand that, even if I don’t really get it. You’re gorgeous, anyone would be lucky,” he says smoothly. You cover a blush with a slight eye roll. 

“I guess that’s why most of my close friends will also believe that I kept a new relationship on the low. They saw me post-Johnny and have seen me try to date,” you share.

“Yeah that’s good for us, at least,” Joshua agrees.

“What about you, though? When was your last relationship?” you ask.

“Ah, well it’s been a little over a year,” Joshua says. 

“Bad ending?” you wonder. You’re not sure why you press him on it.

“It wasn’t great,” Joshua says with a chuckle. “She, uh, well she decided that she just really would rather be with one of my friends than with me.”

“I’m so sorry you went through that,” you say, suddenly sorry.

“No, no, it’s fine,” he says. “She didn’t actually cheat on me, but she had started getting close to him and sharing everything with him.”

“Arguably worse, in my opinion. Emotional cheating is still a thing,” you say, trying to offer comfort. 

“Thank you,” Joshua says. His eyes are soft and full of care. “And, like you, I have dated since then, just nothing worth talking about.” 

It’s an easy transition from that into talking about your backgrounds. Like speed dating, except somehow more intense. You learn Joshua’s birthday, his parents names, that he’s an only child, and where he grew up. Nothing is too small and you joke about taking notes before you actually go to get a notebook. Joshua tells you his favorite color and his favorite food, tells you about his favorite memories, favorite places where he grew up, and favorite places he’s found since moving here. There’s a way that his face lights up when he talks about his friends that’s drawing you in. You tell him the same. That all feels a little surface level, which you point out. If this is going to work, it has to be deeper, more serious. 

That’s when something seems to almost break down. Joshua suggests that you tell each other the deep stuff, the things that you don’t always admit to someone you’re dating. Or, maybe you admit it and don’t get into the reasons why. When Joshua goes first and admits that he’s happiest when he’s playing his guitar, even if nobody else is listening, his whole face changes. It’s like a completely different version of him. He’s got an open face as it is, that hasn’t changed, but you realize maybe he’s a little guarded behind the smile as well. Maybe there really is more depth than he wants anyone to realize. Maybe this is going to be more interesting than you thought.

“Can I hear you play?” you ask. His face is adorable with his eyes full of surprise.

“You want to hear me play?” There’s an emotion you can’t place when he looks at you.

“I love music, too, Joshua,” you say softly. “I’d love to see what you’re passionate about.”

“Oh, well, I usually play at this acoustic night on Thursdays at a coffee shop downtown,” Joshua tells you.

“You do? That’s so cute!” you say before second guessing it. He looks away like he’s a little embarrassed and you worry for a split second.

“I’d love it if you came by,” he says.

“It’s a shame that we can’t say that’s where we met,” you admit.

“Wait, that would be a good idea, actually,” Joshua says and you smile. 

“It would be, but I also know events like that. It’s always a similar crowd so I’m sure someone will know that I’ve never been,” you reason. 

“Fair point,” Joshua concedes. 

“Why don’t we just say we met on a dating app?” you suggest and Joshua pulls up his face. “Okay, I know apps are lame and honestly, I don’t use them much. But, think about it. That’s the perfect reason why we didn’t bring it up until now, we didn’t want to answer the ‘where did you meet’ question by saying an app.” 

“Okay, yeah, I do actually like that because it’s easy and it doesn’t feel like a wild story,” Joshua says. 

“What about your parents?” you ask. “Do we need to make plans to meet them if you’re also posting about me?” 

“We can figure that out, but they live pretty far away so it would probably just be over FaceTime or something,” he says.

“I also understand if you don’t want to do that because we’re just pretending,” you suggest. 

“No, it’d be cool to have you meet them. Even if the relationship isn’t real, I’d like to be friends for real, so that’s not a total lie,” Joshua reasons. 

“I’d like to be friends too,” you agree. “How long have you been living here, now?” 

“Oh, um, like 8 months?” Joshua says like a question.

“I was figuring like a month or two with the way Jeonghan talks about you,” you laugh. 

“You’ve been friends with him for years, you’re not actually surprised,” Joshua points out. 

“Okay so now I guess we have to figure out when we started dating,” you comment.

“And everything else, but we can do it,” Joshua says. 

You’re a little nervous sitting on your couch waiting for Joshua to show up. Even though you offered to pick him up for dinner with your family tonight, he insisted on being the one to drive. Of course he’s right on time, which you’re already realizing is a trait of his. He’s even a gentleman when he opens the door for you, just like he pulled the chair out the first time you met for the date-not-date. As you put your seatbelt on, you notice that there are a few things in the backseat. 

“What’s all that?” you ask as he slides into the driver’s seat. 

“Flowers for your mom, a bottle of scotch for your dad, and a cheese board for your sister because you said they just moved and she likes to host,” Joshua lists off as if it’s nothing.

“You did not have to get things for all of them,” you point out. 

“Of course I did, but I also wanted to. I’m trying to make a good impression,” he says, making your heart a little light.

“That’s so kind,” you whisper out.

“Oh, I thought of something else,” Joshua shifts. You’re worried you made him uncomfortable until he speaks again. “Are you a pet name person in relationships?”

That makes you snort, something that would embarrass you in any other situation. It’s not the first time he’s heard it, though. “That depends on what you want to call me.”

“That’s a dangerous way to say that,” Joshua answers. His eyes are still on the road, yet you don’t miss the way he reacts.

“I don’t like overly cutesy names,” you say to diffuse a little bit of the moment. “Like, I don’t know, if you want to call me sugarplum or honeybunch or something like that, please don’t.”

“You’re just giving me ideas to take away my fun,” he pouts.

“Well, what were you thinking of calling me? Or are you even a pet name person?” you ask.

“I do like them,” Joshua says. “I’m not sure that I have a go-to or anything. For you, I might say angel or possibly darling.”

“I think I prefer angel, if I’m allowed to pick,” you say after a moment.

“Of course,” Joshua replies. Studying his face, you’re looking for a hint of mocking or insincerity, but there’s nothing to find. This is just him.

“Do you want me to use a pet name for you?” you wonder.

“I’d happily take one, no pressure, though,” he says. 

“I’ll have to think about it,” you tell him. “Something generic like babe doesn’t feel right.”

“Are you saying I’m special?” Now you can hear the light teasing in his voice. 

“I take it back, any more compliments are going to go to your head,” you huff out. 

As you get closer to your parents’ house, you start to bounce your knee with an excess of nervous energy. It’s not until Joshua reaches a hand out to take one of yours that you’re even sure you’re doing it. There’s something calming about it, though. Nothing about him reaching out feels like he’s trying to stop you, just show that you’re not alone in this. Which is more than welcome. The last person you brought to meet your parents was Johnny. Given how that ended and why Joshua is around in the first place, it’s not exactly the most comforting thought.

Once you pull up to their house, you take a deep breath. It’s only to settle your rising nerves, but it also serves to give Joshua enough time to come and open your door. Even though you’ve told him that he doesn’t need to be this sweet, he insists. Without saying a word, he holds out a hand to help you out of the car. Instead of dropping your hand once you’re out, he uses it to pull you into him and wraps his arms around you. There’s this immediate sense of comfort, like you have actually been dating for months. You inhale his cologne without meaning to, something warm and woodsy. 

“It’s going to be fine, parents love me,” he assures you when you pull away.

“I don’t doubt that,” you say, releasing the breath you were holding and your tension with it. 

“So come on, my little granola wrapper, let’s go,” Joshua says as he lets you go to get the gifts out of his backseat. 

It takes you a full few seconds to register what came out of his mouth. “I’m sorry, what did you just call me?” 

“Is that not the one?” he asks, eyes alight with some kind of mischief. 

“I’m not going to encourage this,” you huff.

“Whatever you say, jellybean,” he throws out casually. 

The second you step into the house, you see exactly what Joshua means. Your mother is fawning over him in a matter of seconds, your father is making plans to show him his records, your sister’s husband is asking when they can go out for drinks, and your sister even holds back the snark. All during the course of the pre-dinner drinks and largely, you think, due to the gifts that Joshua brought. He had a reason for the meaning behind the type of flowers for your mother, a favorite musician who swore by the scotch for your dad, and even bought the cheese board from a small business that customized things. 

Dinner comes along and you still feel like you’ve barely said anything with Joshua masterfully steering the conversation. He even makes it sound good that you met on an app, with his improvised story of wanting to meet people in a new city. According to him, he wasn’t expecting to meet someone like you and was done for the second he saw you sitting at dinner. It’s something real, that you met him for dinner the first time at a fancy downtown restaurant. And you realize you never actually asked what his impression was that first night. More than once, you catch yourself watching his profile as he talks to one of your family members. Everything about him is at ease and you wonder if it really is all fake. Not that you think anything about him is disingenuous, he’s just really good at making people like him. 

The only hiccup doesn’t come until your mother is pulling out dessert. According to your sister, she’s got an excellent pie in the refrigerator that you simply have to try. You’re about to say something when Joshua beats you to it. 

“I don’t think my little sugarplum likes fruit pies, but it sounds amazing and I’d love a piece,” Joshua interjects smoothly. 

Your sister nearly spits out her drink, whether it’s at the nickname or him speaking up for you, you’re not sure. In any other situation, you would scold him for the name, but you’re a little stunned he remembers you don’t like pie. It came up once in a rapid fire of likes and dislikes. 

“You’re right, she doesn’t,” your sister agrees. “I’d almost forgotten.” 

(That’s when you’re sure it was another of your sister’s tests. Trying to catch you in some kind of lie about your relationship. But, it doesn’t work and you feel a little victorious for that.)

The doorbell rings through the house and you look to your mother, silently asking if she’s expecting someone. It’s unusual for them to have company calling this late on a Friday night. It’s usually reserved for dinners with friends or family or galas. Unsurprisingly, your mother doesn’t seem to know who it could be, but disappears to answer the door all the same. When a voice drifts through from the hallway, you freeze on the spot.

“I really just came by to drop that off for my mom, I didn’t realize it was so late. I’d hate to intrude on dessert,” the guest says. 

“Nonsense, you’re not interrupting,” your mother insists. 

“I saw an unfamiliar car, so I figured you might have guests,” he says as they come through the doorway into the living area. 

Your heart stutters a little in your chest, feels heavier for seeing him. Somehow he looks taller and broader than the last time you saw him. He’s wearing his hair shorter and he looks more mature, somehow, like he’s seen so much more of the world than when you were together. Which is probably true, if you think about it. It’s been a couple years and that means he’s had more time working with his father. 

“That would be my car,” Joshua says, getting to his feet immediately and extending his hand. “I’m Joshua.” 

“Johnny,” he answers and shakes Joshua’s hand. Yet, his face looks a little tense and his eyes mostly stay on you. 

“It’s just family,” your mother shares, though Johnny can obviously see that himself, “since our darling daughter finally brought Joshua around to meet us.” 

“I’m glad she did, dinner was wonderful and the company was even better,” Joshua says with a smile at your mother. She nearly blushes at his compliment. 

“Oh, hush,” your mother says with a wave of her hand. “I was just getting some pie if you’d like to stay for a piece, Johnny. Although, I’d hate to keep you from home.”

Joshua sits back down next to you, a little closer than is strictly necessary, and puts his arm along the back of the couch behind you. You feel safe pressed up against his side like that. Johnny clears his throat when he looks away from the pair of you. “Gabby has been out of town all week, actually, so I’m going back to an empty home anyway. I’d love to stay for a piece of your famous cherry pie.” 

“Great!” your mother says and disappears off into the kitchen. 

“What’s got Gabby away?” your sister asks. 

“Just a conference,” Johnny answers. “There was a final banquet tonight and she’ll be home tomorrow.” 

“She’s busy, away this week, bachelorette next weekend,” she says offhand. 

“Keeping tabs on when everything is?” you ask of your sister. She looks at you like you’re crazy and Johnny looks awkward.

“No, I was invited to it,” your sister answers evenly. 

Before you can even answer, Joshua is speaking up. Probably sensing your discomfort. After all, you hadn’t gotten to tell him that Johnny’s fiance is friends with your younger sister. They had gone to school together and been close. Stealing her sister’s fiancée doesn’t seem to have impacted the friendship. 

“You must be excited with the big day getting so close,” Joshua says. He moves his arm from behind you so that he can take your hand on your thigh. It makes you look down at your hands before glancing at him, only to find his gaze on you already. It also means you miss the way Johnny follows the movement. 

“Uh, yeah, I mean, I’m definitely excited. It’s just been a lot of planning,” Johnny says. 

“I bet,” Joshua says. “Thank you so much for inviting me, I know how stressful changes can be.” 

“It’s no problem, I’m happy you’ll both be there,” Johnny says. 

With almost a practiced subtlety, Joshua squeezes your hand. There’s so much in that one movement. A reassurance, a reminder to breathe, a reminder that he’s there, a promise that everything is going to be okay. Your heart hurts seeing Johnny sitting in the living room so casually as if nothing happened, but it doesn’t hurt as much as you expected. Maybe that has something to do with this impossibly kind, completely idiotic person next to you. You also can’t help the way your gaze lands on him. Just in profile, at first, before he senses your look and turns to you with a dazzling smile. It’s like there’s nobody else in the world but the two of you.

The conversation shifts slightly when your mother comes back in with a tray full of pie slices and your father comes back with whatever record he was looking for to show Joshua. Just like that, you survive your first in-person interaction with Johnny. Actually come out of it feeling like you might be able to handle this. The smile you send Joshua while he’s eating his pie is so fond that you’re not even sure who you are. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t call me last night,” Jeonghan says in lieu of a hello.

“Hello to you too, I’m good, thanks for asking,” you retort.

“Greetings are for people who remember their best friends, not for people who send a single sentence recap after bringing their fake boyfriend home to meet the family,” Jeonghan states immediately.

“That’s a very long rule,” you note.

“Deserved, though,” Jeonghan says.

“I was tired, Han, it was a long night,” you explain.

“A long night where your ex showed up,” he reminds you.

“That actually wasn’t so bad,” you admit. “Joshua made it feel pretty easy.”

“Oh did he now?” 

You don’t have to be in the same room as Jeonghan to hear the expression on his face when he says that. “It was just easy, Jeonghan, nothing more than that.”

“What did your parents think?” he asks, switching gears.

“They loved him, like actually loved him. My mom was enamored and kept calling him handsome. My dad was talking about music with him and making plans to go check out some acoustic music venue. Even the ice queen couldn’t find anything to fault him for,” you share.

“She’s less of an ice queen and more of a mean girl and a bitch,” Jeonghan adds.

“You said it,” you mumble.

“I mean, come on, who thinks it’s okay for their friend to sleep with their sister’s fiancé? And then stays friends with the girl?” Jeonghan gets really defensive with this. He would ride for you to the ends of the world, which you do love. Just not today. 

“I don’t wanna relive that whole thing, it’s done and over. Nothing to do now,” you say, weariness seeping into your voice.

“Would you want to do anything about it?” Jeonghan asks.

“What do you mean?” You answer the question with a question.

“Like would you want to go back to when you were with Johnny?” Jeonghan asks.

You think about it for half a second. “No.” 

“That was fast,” Jeonghan comments.

“What’s there to go back to? He made his choice and I’m fine, honestly. It was weird seeing him and hearing him talk about his wedding, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought,” you say.

“Is that because of your Prince Charming?” Your best friend, always doing the most, puts this question into a sing-song voice. 

“He’s not a Prince Charming. You’re so annoying,” you scoff. 

“I don’t know, he sure seems to be saving you,” Jeonghan presses. 

“I can’t with…” you start, trailing off at the knock on your door.

“Who’s there?” Jeonghan asks. 

“No clue,” you answer, getting off your couch to go see. 

“I bet it’s Prince Charming,” Jeonghan laughs out.

“Would you fuck…” you begin as you open the door to find the very subject of your conversation on the other side, “off.”

“I’m right aren’t I?” Jeonghan is nearly shrieking with glee.

“Sorry, gotta go,” you say.

“Oh no, no, no,” Jeonghan tries.

You’re stepping aside to let Joshua into your apartment. “I’ll see you tomorrow for brunch.”

“Let me know if I need to add one more to the reservation,” Jeonghan says. 

“Goodbye,” you say with an eye roll Jeonghan can’t see, but will surely hear. You hang up as soon as he also says goodbye.

“Jeonghan?” Joshua guesses.

“Unfortunately,” you confirm. 

“I hope I wasn’t interrupting,” Joshua says. It’s nothing like when someone says it out of forced courtesy. He actually seems like he’s making sure he’s not intruding. 

“No, not at all, I just wasn’t expecting you,” you admit. 

“Sometimes that’s the best time to come over,” Joshua says with a shrug.

“Does that mean you have a plan?” you wonder.

“Yup,” Joshua says.

“Gonna tell me what it is?” you ask.

“Nope,” he says with a concerning smile, popping the end of nope. “Go put on something comfortable but with layers. And we’re not going hiking or anything like that.” 

An hour later, you’re pulling off the road in an area you’ve never been to, even with as long as you’ve lived here. The views are instantly enough to take your breath away. You can see the whole city below you, all the bustle of traffic and skyscrapers. Somewhere, you know there are people rushing to and fro, too busy to stop and appreciate what’s around them. Straight ahead, you can see the way the low clouds glide around, splitting around the very tops of the buildings. It’s beautiful and it also makes you realize just how small you are. 

While you’ve been appreciating the views in front of you, Joshua has been gathering his supplies from the trunk. By the time you turn around, he’s laying a blanket and basket down on the ground in front of the car. 

“Is this…did you set up a picnic?” you ask.

“I wanted to show you this place and figured some food might be nice,” he says with an easy smile. 

“That’s so sweet,” you say earnestly.

You settle on the blanket next to him and look through the food he’s pulling out. There are some of your favorite things and some things you’re not even sure you’ve seen before. Somehow, though, you feel like they might become some of your new favorites. He even brought plates and he sets about putting one together for you to pick at.

Joshua tells you about how this is his favorite place and he found it completely by accident. He loves being down in the city and around all the people, but there’s something nice about seeing things from this perspective too. It’s like he can just disconnect for a while. Turn off his phone. Read or listen to music. Just be totally alone. It’s how he works through a problem or gets the perspective he needs.

“I can’t believe you’re sharing it with me,” you admit and his eyes light up with his smile.

“I just thought, after last night, you might appreciate having a place to get away from it all,” Joshua says.

You want to say something, anything, really, to acknowledge what Joshua just said. Try to say something. Your throat doesn’t want to cooperate, it seems. Your brain, either. In fact, all you can manage to do is turn away to hide the tears. Joshua is observant, though. He doesn’t say anything, just pulls you into his chest and runs his hand along your back. He quietly soothes you as you cry out a lot of emotions you didn’t even realize you were experiencing. 

And something about him comforting you, this near stranger who doesn’t actually owe you anything, sets you off more. In the early days of your relationship with Johnny, you know it was good. It must have been. Surely, it was more than a relationship between two people who had known each other for years with families that were intertwined. You don’t remember it anymore. Don’t remember him ever holding you like this without even knowing what was wrong. Don’t remember him taking you on a date like this just because he thought you would enjoy it. Since you haven’t seriously dated anyone since the break-up, he also feels like your only frame of reference. That makes you sad for an entirely different reason. Who loses it over someone just being a little kind?

“I’m so sorry,” you finally say when you manage to pull yourself together. 

“For what?” he asks. 

“For just crying like that and being such a mess,” you say. 

Joshua shakes his head. Moves his hand up to your face and waits for confirmation that it’s okay. When you nod, he gently wipes the tears from under your eyes. “You have nothing to apologize for. What you’re going through with your ex, most of us could never even imagine that kind of pain.”

“But still, you barely know me and here you are trying to be kind and all I can do is cry,” you say. 

“First of all, I think last night and the food I put together show I’ve actually learned a lot about you in a short time,” he says and you have to laugh at that. He’s right. “Second, I’m just happy you feel safe enough with me to cry. It’s not healthy to hold all that in. You’re not in this alone.”

That brings you up short more than anything. He’s right, again (an annoying habit, if you’re being honest). You don’t feel any hesitation around him. Nothing to stop you from crying if you feel like crying. That’s unusual, to say the least. Normally, you’ll do anything to avoid anyone seeing you emotional. But, this man you just met is different. He’s safe. You’re not sure how or why, but you know you can trust him. 

“Are you free tomorrow for brunch?” you ask. Joshua gives you a quizzical look for a moment at the sudden topic change. 

“Yeah, why?” he asks. 

“I just need to send one quick text and then I want to do what you said you normally do here. Disconnect from the world and just appreciate the afternoon,” you say and find yourself smiling along with his smile. He really is so beautiful. 

You: add one to the reservation for brunch tomorrow and i’ll call you tonight when i’m home

You switch your phone into Do Not Disturb before the response comes and turn all your attention back to Joshua. 

Over the next couple weeks, Joshua slips seamlessly into your life and your existing friendships. Some of them, like those closest to you that come along to the Sunday brunches, know the whole story. It’s not like they would believe you had kept a relationship secret for that long, anyway. And it’s good to have a few extra sets of eyes and ears helping to sell the story. Other friends get the same story that your family and Johnny got. It’s not that you don’t trust them, you do. It’s more important to keep the circle of people who know the real story as small as possible, though, so that it actually succeeds. All your friends adore him from the second they meet him. The only surprise is how well Jeonghan seems to be adjusting to sharing your time. He wants to give you a hard time, yet he doesn’t. 

You meet all Joshua’s friends and coworkers, too. It feels way easier than it should the first time you join him and his coworkers after work for drinks. They spend most of the time giving Joshua a hard time that he’s kept you to himself for so long. It’s easy to fall into step and you find that you do know him a lot better than you think. So, it’s just as easy for you to jump in when they’re giving him a hard time. He pretends to be annoyed, but you can tell by the way he smiles that he likes it. It’s one of those genuine smiles that makes his eyes bigger and brighter. Everything just feels…easy. Like this whole thing wasn’t actually a bad idea after all. 

Your favorite part might be the first time you got with him to an Open Mic Night and get to see him play. He’s got that easy kind of confidence on the guitar. Like he knows he’s talented, but not in a cocky way. It’s his singing that catches you off guard. His voice moves over the notes with an ease that makes you wonder why this isn’t something he’s doing for a living. He’s got this way of pulling you into songs that you don’t even know. And he’s so kind with the people that show up just to see him play. They all seem just as happy to meet you and know that he’s happy. 

There’s only been one part that’s been difficult. Not difficult, exactly, but not as comfortable as some of the other things. While you and Joshua talked through anything and everything to prepare to start a fake relationship, you covered comfort levels with physical affection. You both say you’re comfortable with physical touch, though he seems to seek it out more than you do. That includes at least some level of PDA as a couple. You’ve never really been one to just randomly make out with a partner in public, but you’ve never been shy about expressing affection either. It was fine, when it was all theoretical. 

In actual practice, it’s been a little more difficult. The first time Joshua had pressed a kiss to the side of your head while you were out with people that didn’t know it was fake caught you off guard. It shouldn’t have, he asked before doing it and you confirmed it was fine. What you hadn’t been entirely prepared for was how it would feel when he did it. Or how it would feel that he was so casual about it, like it was the most normal thing in the world. Like it wasn’t making you rethink everything in your life. 

Tonight, you’re hanging out with friends at Hyejin’s house. You and her have been friends since before you even started school. So, she knows what’s really going on with Joshua. Your other friends there, though, are mostly not in on it. Which is fine. You’re shockingly comfortable with the song and dance. 

It’s not actually fine. 

It starts the same as any other time you’ve been out somewhere with him. You’re sitting close together on the couch, thighs pressed together, with his arm behind you along the back of the couch. Periodically, his fingers play with the sleeve of your shirt. It’s an absentminded habit and you’re used to it. He’s usually keeping some sort of contact with you in a very subtle way. You learned right away that he did like physical touch, but it was rarely something obvious. One drink in and his affection got a little more obvious. Arm wrapped firmly around you. More kisses pressed to the side of your head. 

Two drinks in and it changes again. He removes his arm from around you in favor of holding your hand. Playing with your fingers while he’s having other conversations, like he doesn’t even realize. Hand squeezing your thigh. Or tracing patterns into the material of your pants. Head dropping down on your shoulder when he’s not talking to someone else. And it’s definitely not fine. You’re nursing your drink, but even if you weren’t, his constant presence would sober you. Since you’ve just finally finished your first, you think maybe a second is a good idea.

It’s not. Joshua gets another drink, his third, and you decline. Instead, you stick with the water you’ve been drinking since you couldn’t even finish your second. You want to be able to respond, whatever happens. Respond to whatever new form of affection unlocks with this next drink. 

“I hope you stick around, you’re my favorite of the partners that we’ve met,” Mimi announces to Joshua when he plops back down next to you. 

You’re glad that you hadn’t taken a sip because it would’ve come out immediately. Mimi has been a friend for a long time as well, and you love her, but she doesn’t know the truth. 

“Don’t I know it,” Joshua agrees, earning a lot of laughter. 

“Have you met Johnny yet? I know you’re going to the wedding,” Taehyung wonders. 

“Yeah Johnny showed up magically the night I brought him by to meet my parents, sister, and brother-in-law,” you say, regaining some composure. 

“I think you traded up,” Joshua says, eyes laser focused on you. 

You’re not so lucky this time and you just took a sip. You nearly choke. “Do you?”

“Definitely,” Joshua insists. 

“I agree,” Jimin says and Mimi elbows him in the side. “What?”

“You’re going to the wedding,” she says. 

“So? He’s a fucking tool,” Jimin shrugs off. 

“Are you all going, then?” Joshua asks. 

“A good portion of us, yeah,” Hyejin says. “Family connections, you know?” 

“I wasn’t invited,” Mimi pouts. 

“Want to come?” Taehyung asks and Mimi laughs. 

“Tae, my love, you can’t just invite people,” Mimi says and shakes her head. 

“I have a plus-one,” Taehyung says with a shrug. “I think we all knew I wouldn’t make it to the wedding in my relationship. But, Johnny still thinks I’m bringing someone.”

“Damn, okay. I’m in,” Mimi says. 

“I’m not going either, my family ties weren’t enough to get an invite,” Jeonghan says without any sorrow in his eyes. 

“That’s because of what you said to him after the break up,” Hyejin interrupts with a laugh. 

“I don’t remember saying anything that bad,” Jeonghan shrugs, and examines his finger nails to show how little he cares. 

“Remind me to show you what he said some time, it was fucking gold,” Hyejin says to Joshua.

“Do you have it saved?” you ask.

“I should have it framed, honestly,” Hyejin says. “Get you a best friend like Jeonghan, for real, for real.” 

“Hey, that’s my best friend, get your own,” you joke. 

“That’s a shame you won’t be there though, Han, I could’ve used the familiar face,” Joshua says.

“Like you’re going to be paying attention to anyone but your date,” Hyejin teases. 

“Can you blame me? I still can’t believe how lucky I got,” Joshua says without any hint that he’s pretending. It makes your heart skip a couple beats as you try to catch your breath. 

“Ugh, I’m so single,” Mimi whines. 

“Maybe not after the wedding,” Hyejin teases. 

The conversations devolve from there into separate, smaller chats. Joshua is back to tracing patterns into your leg. Without warning, he pops his head up and places a quick peck on your lips before dropping his head onto your shoulder again. He’s so nonchalant about it that you’re not really sure it even happened. You’ve kissed a couple times like that, quick pecks in public. But, it’s always been when you’ve talked about it. It isn’t until you look up to meet Jeonghan’s eyes that you know it all really happened. 

Joshua, unaware that he’s just turned your world a little upside down, moves his head to look at you again. “You’re beautiful, you know.”

It’s barely a whisper and you know he’s not drunk. He’s not sober either, though. And you’ve had drinks around each other before. He’s just never been quite so glued to your side or free with the compliments. You’re also not usually so singularly focused on him. A fact that doesn’t go entirely unnoticed. 

“Thank you,” you whisper back. 

“I’m kinda hungry,” he continues in a bit of a whine. 

“Well you were the one who thought skipping dinner was smart,” you tease him. 

“But my little honeybunch,” he teases back. You snort and miss the way several of your friends watch the interaction because they know how you are about weird pet names. 

“Try again, sweetheart,” you answer. 

“Sweetheart, I like the way that sounds,” he says, distracted. 

“Just a little longer and we can leave and get something to eat,” you say and he sighs. 

“Fine,” he concedes and kisses your cheek, just barely a whisper away from the corner of your mouth. 

About half an hour later, you say your goodbyes. Despite your suggestions, Joshua continued drinking instead of switching to water. It’s as fine as it can be, though. He’s just an affectionate drinker. He wraps an arm around you, slipping a hand into your back pocket so that he can whisper thanks again. You do your best to shrug it off and let him drape his arms around your shoulder instead. 

The car ride is quiet, initially. You pick a playlist that he made for you after you first met. Something he seems to enjoy. You’re nearly back at his place when he says that he doesn’t have anything to eat. But, luckily, there’s a place around the corner that he loves that’s still open. He manages to place an order on the app, gets something for you as well, and pays before getting there. All you have to do is walk in. 

“I hope you’ll come in and eat with me,” he says when you get back into the car. 

You’re not really sure how to tell him that you don’t want to. Not because you don’t want to spend time with him. Or that you don’t appreciate him ordering something he knows you’ll like. No, it’s so much deeper than that. It’s that you don’t know if your heart can handle it. You’ve got a couple more weeks of this and your heart is taking a beating. All of this is fake. It’ll be over after the wedding. But, the compliments don’t feel fake. The kisses don’t feel fake. The affection doesn’t feel fake. Your heart racing is real, oh so real. You don’t need anyone to tell you that you’re in way too deep. 

None of that comes out, though. 

“Sure, sweetheart,” you say and hold your breath for a second. You hadn’t meant to say that when it was just you. 

Joshua smiles over at you. “Really do like that.” 

Does he know what he’s doing to you? Can he hear your heart hammering in your chest? Can he hear your breath catch? Does he know how insanely beautiful he is? Or that he’s all the more beautiful because he’s so unfailingly kind? 

Probably not, because he gets distracted and starts singing along as the song changes. It’s welcome, but also a little devastating. His voice cuts through you in a way you’re still very unprepared to handle.

After another few minutes, you’re at Joshua’s place. He springs back into action and tries to open your door for you, even though you’re the driver. He settles for taking hold of your hand as he walks to his door, only reluctantly dropping it when he gets to the door. 

His apartment is familiar to you, it has to be for this to be believable. So, he sets the food out and you grab plates. You grab a couple waters from the fridge while he takes the food over to the couch, bypassing the table. You sit next to him, leaving enough space between you that you’re not touching. Hoping he doesn’t think anything of it. 

It’s useless, apparently, because he slides over to press into your side.

What’s worse (not that you thought that was possible) is that he picks things off of your plate and gives you food off his plate. Tries to feed it to you, actually, and pouts when you don’t let him. It takes everything in you not to beg him to be gentle on your heart. He doesn’t even seem to realize what he’s doing to you as he smiles and jokes. Doesn’t seem to think twice about playing with your hands or his hand on your leg or any of the things he usually does when you have an audience. There’s nobody here to see and he’s not usually this touchy when you’re alone. Maybe it’s the drinks.

“I like your friends a lot, you know,” he says out of nowhere.

“They like you, too,” you assure him.

“What about you?” he asks.

“I’d assume they like me as well,” you laugh out.

“No, I meant me. Do you like me?” he asks, eyes big and vulnerable.

Please, Joshua, I’m begging you. Be gentle with me, you think so loud you’re worried he might hear.

“I’m actually a little sick of you,” you joke. 

“But, but,” he begins and dramatically throws himself in your lap. 

“You’re the worst,” you say without any bite. Your hands find their way into his hair, softly running through the strands.

“That feels nice,” he says softly. “Can I just stay like this? I’m tired.” 

“Of course,” you whisper.

“You’ll stay with me?” he asks, sounding like he’s about to drift off.

You’re sure he won’t remember any of this. Not because he’s drunk, but he’s on the edges of sleep. So, you answer in a whisper. “Always.” 

Maybe he’s not the one that needs to be careful with your heart. Maybe it’s you that needs to be careful. You know that you could walk away. That you could just remind him that this is all fake and there’s nobody around to see now. That’s not what you do. So, maybe you’re just as much to blame. 

Sunday Joshua: thanks for taking care of me last night Joshua: idk why the drinks hit me so hard Joshua: when did you leave?  Monday Joshua: is everything okay? Did i say something stupid? Tuesday Joshua: i don’t wanna sound clingy but are we still getting together at your place after work?

Somewhere, in the back of your mind, you know that you need to respond. You know that what you’re doing isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not like Joshua can somehow read your mind to realize you’re spiraling. It just feels a little paralyzing. This is a weird limbo of knowing you might be in over your head, but still believing this is all fake. 

Jeonghan: hey dummy i know you’re ignoring joshua so i’m coming over tonight  Jeonghan: i told him you’ve been busy at work and i haven’t heard from you either but we have some talking to do

Leave it to Jeonghan. You had almost forgotten, with how well you’ve gotten to know Joshua, that it was Jeonghan who introduced you in the first place. Of course he would text your best friend when he couldn’t get a hold of you. Does that make you feel better? Not really, you think, because it feels like a real relationship in a way. Oh well, you can talk about it with Jeonghan. If he shows up, that is.

And he does, less than an hour later.

“I’m here,” he announces when he comes in the door.

“Thanks for knocking and giving me the chance to pretend I’m not here,” you call back.

“Your car is outside and you have your location turned on,” Jeonghan says. 

“Right,” you answer as he comes through the hall holding a bag from your favorite take out place.

“At least I come bearing gifts,” he says.

“You’re an angel, do you know that?” you ask and reach for the bag.

Jeonghan snorts. “I’m gonna remind you of that the next time you call me a demon.” 

“Well, Lucifer was a fallen angel,” you reason with a shrug. 

“I hate you,” he says.

“I know,” you answer. 

Jeonghan busies himself with taking out the food and making sure you have napkins. Tells you what he wants to drink when you get up to go into the kitchen. Calls for you to grab some utensils as well. By the time you sit back down with him, he’s flipping through a streaming service trying to find something to watch. It’s not at all what you’re expecting and you just let it happen. The two of you have been friends long enough to know you should just let things play out.

With some mindless show on in the background, Jeonghan talks about work and your friends and everything else that’s been going on the past few days. Like it’s been weeks since you last saw him. Mostly, he talks about how Taehyung has been blowing up his phone asking for advice about Mimi, which is actually news to you. Sure, you saw him ask her if she wanted to go with him to the wedding. What you had not expected was for him to actually be interested. Which he is, if his messages to Jeonghan are anything to go by. It’s been everything from advice about talking to her to what kinds of things she might like as a surprise. They would probably be cute, you think. 

“Yeah, well, sometimes feelings catch us off guard,” Jeonghan says when you admit your surprise.

Damn. Did you really walk right into that?

“True,” you admit, knowing that’s the best answer you can give.

“Talk to me,” Jeonghan urges. 

“About what?” you ask to buy more time.

“Joshua,” he says.

“There’s nothing to talk about,” you state. That makes him fix you with a look.

“Clearly there is or you wouldn’t be ignoring him,” he says. 

“We’re not really dating so I don’t owe him constant updates. I’m not ignoring him. I just have other shit to do,” you say without looking at him.

“Would you like to be?” he asks. That does make you turn to him.

“Like to be what?” you ask, though you think you know.

“Really dating him,” Jeonghan says.

It’s a crossroads kind of moment. You could say that you don’t want that. That would be a lie, though, and Jeonghan doesn’t like it when you lie. Can always tell the second you say something that’s not true. The truth is that you’ve spent nearly every moment since that stupid night at Hyejin’s place thinking about what you actually feel for your fake boyfriend. 

“I don’t…know,” you say slowly and earn a smile because it’s not a lie.

“I was there the other night too, I saw the way it all played out,” he says.

“I mean, does it matter? This is all fake and soon, it’ll be over,” you say.

“Of course it matters and it’ll be over soon? Please,” Jeonghan scoffs. “I know he’s told you that he wants to keep you in his life after Johnny’s wedding. So, what? You’re just gonna be like okay, that was fun, let’s never talk again?”

“I don’t know, maybe,” you say quietly.

He rolls his eyes. “Try again, buttercup.” 

“It doesn’t matter. He doesn’t like me like that, he’s just nice,” you say, avoidant as ever. 

“He looks at you like he’d give you the moon if you asked for it,” Jeonghan snorts out.

“He’s just nice, Han,” you disagree.

“Maybe,” your closest friend concedes, a rare move for him. It feels weird all the same. “Whatever it is, text him back. He misses you and I don’t want to hear anymore about how he’s worrying he upset you.”

“He’s been worrying that he upset me?” you ask. Your heart constricts at that.

“Yeah, for some reason he actually likes your company,” he says. “Can’t relate.”

You smack Jeonghan on the arm. “Says the man who shows up at my place unannounced when I ignore him for a day.”

“No, I was just bored,” he argued. “And you’re way too stubborn to sort out your shit on your own.”

 “I’m not stubborn, but fine, I’ll text him,” you relent.

“Now,” he says.

“What?”

“Text him now so that I know you actually did it.”

You roll your eyes at him, but pull your phone out anyway. Angling it away from Jeonghan so that he can’t see your screen. He’s such a nosy brat sometimes.

You: hey, i’m sorry. It’s been really busy and i had a lot on my mind You: wanna do something tomorrow?

The response comes right away and you ignore the smug look on Jeonghan’s face as you quickly make plans. If Jeonghan was anyone else, he would probably just let you be since he ultimately got what he wanted. But, he’s not anyone else. And he’s as caring to his friends as he is calculating when he wants something. So, he’s not doing it to be cruel, not at all. He just wants you to consider what you’re actually feeling. 

You’ll never tell Jeonghan how much you appreciate him talking everything through with you. Never tell him how good it feels to get all the thoughts out of your head. To his credit, he’s not smug and he doesn’t tell you that he’s been right about your feelings all along. He just listens, supports you when you need it, and encourages you to keep thinking through everything that’s going on.

As a make-up for slightly ignoring Joshua (over your own internal freak out), you take him to dinner at your favorite restaurant. It’s this tiny little hole-in-the-wall that people seem to walk past. The kind of place where you couldn’t overspend even if you tried because the couple that owned it just wanted to share good food. The kind of place where they know everyone by name. It makes you feel instantly at ease. 

Joshua doesn’t say it, but he also kind of can’t believe you wanted to show him some place that meant so much to you. All he could do was watch, with so much fondness, as you spoke to the couple about everything under the sun. Watch as you turned slightly red when they scolded you for taking so long to bring Joshua by. Smile as you promised the both of you would be back. Despite trying to pay, you beat him to it. Even leaving a massive tip because you insisted the couple had undercharged you. They made a big show of not wanting to take the tip and you only reminded them the cash would stay sitting on the counter. You weren’t taking it back either. 

You don’t really think about it when you take a picture of you and Joshua to upload on Instagram. At least, you try not to. Later, when you’re home and winding down for the night, you pull the picture back up. It’s amazing just how happy both of you look. You don’t need to read the comments to know that you’ve never looked so happy in your life. Every part of you wants to pull back again. It’s overwhelming. But, Jeonghan’s voice plays in your head and instead you push past. Make more plans that could break your heart. You have to just trust that he won’t. 

It isn’t until the weekend that you’re able to see him again because your schedules didn’t quite match up. That doesn’t stop him from calling you at night, though. Insisting that he wants to know how your day was, even if you can only spare a few minutes for a call. (Which never ends up being the case. You fall asleep on the phone with him twice. His voice is just so soothing when it’s all deep and soft.) 

Again, Joshua tells you the date is a surprise. He can be a little bit of a demon, when it suits him. Sure, he likes to pretend he’s not. That he’s above the chaos. Then, he does something like this and he can’t really escape it. But, he’s so sure he knows what you like that he’s positive you’ll enjoy the date. You remember how that chat had gone, too. You were ready to go to sleep, but unable to say goodnight. 

(“I have our next date planned,” Joshua says, voice soft to match the calm of the night.

“What is it?” you wonder.

“A surprise,” he answers.

“What if I don’t like it?” you ask back.

“You will,” he assures you.

“You sure seem to think you know me,” you joke. 

“Yeah, I do. Don’t worry, you’ll like this too,” he says.

There was no point in denying it. That confidence sent a bit of a shiver through you.) 

It turns out that the date is at a winery where you’re painting with wine. You have to ask him to say it again because you’ve only ever heard of wine and paint classes. Painting with wine is entirely new to you. It sounds fun, though, and you know how crafty Joshua can be, have seen all the projects around his apartment. So, even though you’re definitely not that artistic, you’re excited to see this as well. 

Admittedly, by the end of the session, your painting isn’t bad. It was a bit weird to use wine in that way, but they let you drink as well. Which makes it a lot easier to just go along with the idea of painting. Joshua’s painting, on the other hand, is beautiful. Not for the first time, you think his talents might be wasted at an office job. You’ve seen the bracelets he makes and now you’ve seen him paint. You’ve heard him sing and play the guitar. He’s impossibly artistic in a way that should make you jealous. Instead, it just makes you more endeared to him. 

You snap a picture of him and his art when he’s not looking and upload it before he can even realize it. It’s only when a notification goes off on his phone that he realizes. He doesn’t even say anything, just gets a sparkle in his eyes that makes you weary immediately. He’s busy tapping away on his own phone before a notification sounds on yours. Maybe you weren’t the only one to steal a candid shot if the picture of you laughing with a glass of wine in one hand and a paintbrush in the other is anything to go by. It’s the caption that really ruins you, though. Just a simple “think I’m addicted to her light”. It’s so simple and also so much sweeter than yours. You fight through the urge to run away. 

Which lasts until you get home from dinner. It was the perfect date, truly. Joshua always seems to know exactly how to plan out a day so everything works. After sipping wine and painting, he took you to one of his favorite restaurants. Nothing too pretentious, just kind of unassuming. The kind of place where you get good food and even better conversation. It’s (mostly) easy to keep your mind off the way your heart keeps racing.

When you’re back home, you’re not so lucky.

Back home, alone in your apartment, there aren’t any distractions. Nothing to stop your mind from all the ways that it can sabotage your own happiness. Nothing to stop you from thinking about how nobody, not even Johnny, has ever planned out such thoughtful dates for you. Nobody has ever taken the time to really know you like Joshua. Even if you won’t admit it, he knows you better than anyone you’ve ever dated. Which is terrifying, since this is all fake. And he hasn’t even known you that long. 

So, you do the rational thing and you pull back again. Answer his texts so that he doesn’t send Jeonghan over to figure out what’s wrong, but don’t make solid plans. Talk a lot about a work project that you really need to get done ahead of schedule so that you’re not stressing leading up to the wedding. And you throw in some easy suggestions in the meantime so that it still seems like you’re making an effort. 

Lunch on a work day so that it has a set ending time. Which still tugs at your heartstrings a bit because he takes a longer lunch just to meet you closer to where you work. 

An event where your parents purchased a table for charity because he’s in high demand with your family around. And he can’t be as affectionate. 

His Open Mic Nights, but with the excuse that you can’t stay too late because of your project and he should stick around with his friends. You’ll get home safely.

Small little things that keep you around him and keep up your conversations while still giving you time to breathe. You’re sure that you’re pulling it all off. And then, the wedding is around the corner. The finish line is in sight. 

You: I’m not going to the wedding You: you don’t have to come pick me up Joshua: what are you talking about? You: i’m not going Joshua: but it’s literally in a few hours? You: yeah and i don’t wanna go, so you’re off the hook You: thanks for everything, but you don’t have to pretend anymore

Even if you know you’re being a little petulant, you don’t really care. This whole thing was supposed to be about protecting your heart. Protecting your pride. Not showing up to your cheating ex-fiance's wedding alone and looking like some kind of loser. It was not supposed to be about your heart getting clobbered anyway. So, you’re doing the only logical thing you can think of. Ignoring your problems. Avoiding both the wedding and Joshua. What you’re not prepared for, though you should be, is the knock that comes at your door half an hour later. 

Joshua is on the other side of the door and your heart actually stops. He’s got his tux on and his hair styled back off his face. His eyes are soft as they take you in, noting that you have your hair and make up done. Though, you’re still in your sweats. You got at least that far before you decided this was a stupid fucking decision. 

“Can I come in?” he asks when you don’t say anything.

“Sure,” you say and step aside. 

“You look like you’re getting ready,” he comments once he’s inside.

“I was, until I texted you,” you answer. “Speaking of, why are you here?”

“Because we had plans,” he says. 

“Yeah to go see my ex-fiance marry the girl he cheated on me with. Oh, and for you to pretend to be my boyfriend so I didn’t look pathetic,” you say with a huff. 

“You’re not pathetic. He’s an asshole,” Joshua says. He doesn’t swear often, so it catches you a little off guard. 

“Well, whatever, you don’t have to go. So, I’m not really sure why you’re here,” you say. 

“You’re being so cold. What’s going on?” Joshua asks and reaches out to you. Instead, you duck away from his touch. 

“Nothing is going on. It was stupid to care what Johnny thought or to try and save face somehow,” you say. 

“It’s not stupid. He hurt you and you didn’t deserve that,” Joshua urges.

“You really don’t know me that well. Maybe I did deserve it. Maybe I was awful to him and he had no choice,” you say.

“We both know that’s not true,” he says.

“Do we?” you challenge. 

“Yes, we do,” he presses. “There is nothing you could do that justifies cheating instead of just breaking it off. But, I also know you didn’t do anything wrong. Jeonghan and I talked about it.”

“You spoke to Jeonghan about my relationship behind my back?” you question. 

“What is going on? We’ve been hanging out for weeks and getting to know each other. I just wanted to know more about someone I was going to be helping. And I like knowing you,” Joshua says and you have to look away. You don’t need the reminder of how much time you’ve spent with him.

“Yeah, sorry about all that time we wasted. I’ll pay you back for the tux or anything else you had to buy to pretend to date me,” you say and he looks genuinely confused.

“I don’t…want you to pay me back for anything. It wasn’t a waste of time. I did this because I wanted to,” he says.

“Yeah, well, you don’t have to pretend anymore because I’m not going to the stupid fucking wedding. It was a really bad idea in the first place,” you say.

Joshua clenches his jaw and looks away. Like maybe he’s frustrated. “What is going on? Do you still have feelings for him?” 

“For who? Johnny?” you ask, so insanely caught off guard that you forget you’re mad.

“Yes,” Joshua says tightly.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” you bark out.

“Well? You’re being really weird and now you don’t want to go to a wedding that we’ve been planning on,” he starts.

“Yeah, which should make you happy, since you don’t have to pretend to be my boyfriend anymore,” you say.

“Because you’re still in love with Johnny,” Joshua finishes like he hadn’t even heard you.

“Oh my god,” you nearly scream. “I’m not fucking in love with Johnny. This isn’t about him.”

“So, you don’t want to go to the wedding and it has nothing to do with him? That doesn’t make any sense,” he says. 

“No, I don’t want to keep doing this,” you say, gesturing between the two of you. “I don’t want to keep pretending to date you when I -”

You clamp your mouth shut. Unable to believe that you almost blurted out how you feel.

“When you what?” he challenges. “What? Is it that bad being around me? Is that it? Are you just sick of me? Ready to toss me aside?”

You laugh bitterly, not even able to appreciate the irony in the situation. “No, Joshua, I don’t want to toss you aside.” 

“Then, what? What am I supposed to think when you’ve been pushing me away for the last couple weeks? And I have to act like I haven’t noticed all the ways you’ve kept me at arm’s length since we went to the winery. Why did you just decide, literally today, that you don’t want to go to the wedding after all?” he asks, rambling. He’s pacing in front of you. “Why are you trying so hard to get rid of me?”

“Because I don’t want to get hurt!” you blurt out. “Because I don’t want to go to my fucking scumbag of an ex’s wedding where everyone is going to be giving me these looks of pity or focusing on my relationship with him when all I want is this.”

“This? What?” he asks, coming to a stop.

“This, Joshua, you and me. Having this just all be pretend is breaking my heart. I can’t keep doing it. It was supposed to keep me from getting my heart broken. It sucks and I hate it and I just wish it wasn’t pretend. I don’t want to go to the wedding and have you be so sweet and kind and caring when I’m going to know it has an expiration date. That it’s all just been for show,” you admit. You turn away, clutching your arms around your center because you’re so tired. And so exposed. So vulnerable. It’s awful.

The tears won’t stop, so you don’t notice how Joshua has closed the space between you until he wraps his arms around you from behind. Pulls you back against his chest and presses a kiss into your hair.

“So, let’s stop saying it’s pretend,” he whispers. 

“What?” you whisper back.

He turns you in his arms so that you’re facing him and gently brushes away the tears. “Let’s stop saying it’s fake. It doesn’t feel fake, does it?”

“No,” is all you can manage.

“So, it’s not fake and we’re not pretending,” he says.

“But,” you start to protest. 

“I knew I was in trouble, really deep trouble, as soon as we left your parents’ house. I was just waiting for you to catch up,” he says as he gently runs a thumb across your cheek to wipe away a tear . Your eyes go wide.

“That was barely a week in,” you say and he just shrugs. “And I’d dumped all my bullshit on you.”

“I think that’s actually what made me like you so much,” he says. “It was supposed to be fake and we were trying to get to know each other well enough to pull it off. But, instead, I just realized you were actually perfect.”

“Perfect? I was broken,” you joke and he shakes his head.

“No, you’ve been hurt. Who hasn’t? You’re also strong, kind, funny, a fiercely loyal friend, and one of the most beautiful people I’ve ever met, inside and out,” he says. 

“That’s so, you’re so sweet,” you say and try to hide your face. He doesn’t let you. “You like me?”

“I’ve liked you the whole time. I did think it was a date, after all,” he says. “And do you think I’m that affectionate with everyone?”

“We were pretending,” you argue.

“I wasn’t,” he argues back.

“Our closest friends thought you were,” you disagree.

“And was anyone else there in my apartment when I was still being affectionate?” he asks.

“Well, no, but…” you start.

“I heard you say always,” he tells you.

“You did?” you ask, sure that it’s been your secret this whole time.

“We don’t have to go to the wedding. But, if it’s just because you don’t want this to be over with me, then it’s not going to be over. I’m yours for as long as you want me,” he says so earnestly it nearly makes you blush.

“Careful, you might get sick of me,” you joke.

He puts a finger under your chin so he can look you in the eyes. “I’ll say it again. I’m yours as long as you want me. I won’t get sick of you.” 

“I…” you start and don’t know where to go. So you do the only thing you can think of and kiss him. It’s clear he’s a little caught off guard, but he recovers quickly. His arms wrap around you to hold you tight against him. It’s the first time you’ve really kissed him and you’re so screwed because he really is perfect at this too. 

“So, do I get you for the rest of today?” he asks.

You take in his tuxedo again, for real this time. Appreciating how well it’s tailored and how amazing he looks. With a sigh, you say, “you know, it’s a shame to waste such a nice tux.”

“Are you…I thought we weren’t going,” he stutters.

“I’m probably gonna have to fix my makeup in the car, but why not? I want to show off my super hot and very real boyfriend,” you say and watch him choke on air. 

“You can’t just say…” he starts.

“Damn, sick of me already?” you tease.

“You know I’m not,” he answers and moves to follow you.

“No, no. You don’t get to see me changing. I’ll be back out in a second,” you say. 

You’re in the middle of shimmying into your dress when you realize that you do still have a lot to talk about. A lot to figure out. This whole situation has been unusual, though, so it probably makes sense that there isn’t a template. Once you have your shoes on, you walk back into the living room, prepared to say something, only to find Joshua speechless.

“You look…” he starts.

“You’ve seen the dress already,” you say and smile.

“Not on you. Not in person. You look amazing,” he says and crosses to pull you into his arms. “Are you sure we have to go?”

“Yes,” you say and swat him. “But, I do know we have a lot to talk about.”

“I’m not in a rush,” he says and allows you to step away.

“We might need to be in a bit of a rush,” you say, checking the time and gathering all your things. 

“Let’s go, then,” Joshua says and offers his arm. 

The wedding passes in kind of a blur. In truth, you barely even register Johnny or what he’s doing beyond the actual ceremony. The reception is so massive that it’s easiest just to focus on the people around you. Especially when you’re at a table with your friends. Thankfully, you’re not at a table with your parents or your sister. It does mean, though, that you’re sitting next to Hyejin, who has definitely realized that something shifted between you and Joshua. So, she’s trying to sneak in a question any time she can. Which is hard, given that Joshua is more attached to you than ever. And Hyejin doesn’t want to draw unnecessary attention to you. All you manage to let her know is that it’s real now and that you’ll fill her in after the wedding. (You’re also thankful that people seem to be cooing over Taehyung and Mimi since they’re the shiny new topic.)

It’s also nice to have Joshua there because he’s a built in way to excuse yourself from any conversation that you don’t want to be part of. It’s easy to just say you’re going to go back to the table. Or, in the case of a good song coming on, he’ll be quick to drag you to the dance floor and away from whatever conversation you’re stuck in. He’s a good dancer, too. You don’t miss the way Hyejin catches your eye when the first slow song comes on and he pulls you close to him. But, that’s a conversation for another day. All you wanted was to appreciate the way his hand felt on your lower back or your hand felt in his. 

When it was finally time to leave, Joshua led you out of the event, arm around you to guide you. Neither of you were drunk, but you had still hired someone to take you to and from the wedding anyway. A gift from your parents to appreciate you “doing the right thing” and coming to the wedding. For the sake of the families. It made you roll your eyes at the time, yet you’re thankful now. It would be far better than having to take an Uber or trying to get a room at the hotel (and risking seeing everyone else staying there the next morning). The ride home also gave you the chance to talk. Really talk. Neither of you cared much that someone else was driving (and he had the partition up, anyway), as you talked about your feelings honestly for the first time. 

As it turned out, you had a lot to say. Both of you. You hadn’t been nearly as good at hiding your feelings from Joshua as you had been at hiding them from yourself. He had hoped you were going to admit them to him after that night at his apartment. Instead, you avoided him. Yes, he knew that you had been avoiding him. You also weren’t very good at picking up on the signs he dropped about his feelings for you. He admitted that he could have just said something, but he was trying to be subtle so he didn’t scare you off. Trying to let his actions speak through more affection. You admit you were scared to think it was anything more than it actually was. Scared of your feelings. Scared of getting hurt again. Joshua completely understands that and admits that he’s a little scared, too, because you’re definitely more important to him than he was anticipating. He’s also confident that you can work through it together. It gives you a feeling of hope. Makes everything about you feel lighter. You see that relief reflected in Joshua’s eyes when they scan yours. 

The car pulls to a stop and he gets out first. He holds his hand out to help you out of the car. You’re not really sure what comes over you.

“Come up with me,” you ask, but it’s more of a statement. 

He hesitates, conflicted. “I don’t know if I should.”

“Why?” you ask, clearly confused.

“I don’t know if I’ll be able to leave,” he answers and you smile.

“Then stay,” you shrug, “at least for breakfast.” 

Without waiting for him to respond, you turn and head for the front door of the building. It means you miss the way he freezes in place, but you can guess at that by how long it takes before he catches up to you. He’s unusually quiet and still beside you as you go up the elevator and then behind you as you unlock the door. 

“I’m gonna go change,” you announce after you drop your keys by the door. You look back at Joshua, appreciating him in the tuxedo one last time. “I’ve got some clothes in the spare room that should fit. They’re Jeonghan’s ” 

You take the opportunity to breathe for a second, to let it settle in that you asked Joshua to come in with you and stay the night. Then, you set about changing out of your dress. Carefully clean your face free of the make-up. Brush through your hair and twist it back off of your face. Once you’re in comfy clothes and bare faced, you head back out into the living room. It’s odd that you don’t even feel self-conscious about Joshua seeing you like this, you’re instantly comfortable. 

Joshua’s back is to you in the kitchen. When he turns around, you see that he’s put together a little platter of snacks. You also were right, the t-shirt and shorts he picked out seem to fit him well. Jeonghan is a little slighter than Joshua, but he wears most of his clothes on the baggier side. 

“Thanks for the clothes,” he says when you both meet on the couch. “I was worried when you said you had spare clothes they were gonna be from an ex or Johnny or something.” 

Your laugh is sudden and clearly catches Joshua off guard. “I wouldn’t have kept any of Johnny’s clothes. I gave them all to charity.” 

“I’m sure he was thrilled with that,” Joshua laughs.

“They made a killing reselling them,” you laugh in response. “Wanna watch something?”

“Sure, you pick,” he says.

You start clicking through your saved list to find something that the two of you can watch. Once you settle on something, Joshua motions you over. Even if you want to pretend you’re considering it, you can’t. Every part of you wants to be close to him. When you slide over, he pulls you in tighter to his body and you fit like you always belonged there with him. 

If you thought he was physically affectionate when he was pretending, it’s nothing compared to now that he knows you’re both in this. He has one hand running along your arm or the other along your thigh. Sometimes he reaches out to take one of your hands. Other times he presses kisses into your hair. It’s pretty clear right away that he’s not paying much attention to the show. 

If you’re being honest, you’re not really either.

Everything is distracting. The way his fingers on the bare skin of your arm raises goosebumps. The way his kiss in your hair makes your eyes close in appreciation. The way he squeezes your thigh and short circuits your brain. 

You can’t help it. You turn your head so that you can look at him. He caresses your cheek, so gentle. Runs his thumb across your lip. You’re holding your breath, just waiting to see what he’s going to do. When you feel like you’re going to go a little bit insane, his hand moves to the back of your neck and pulls you in. It’s exactly like the first kiss before the wedding. At least, at first. It’s gentle, but full of so much desire. It’s also slow, like there’s no rush to any of it.

The position is really uncomfortable, though. You shift your legs so they’re draped over one of Joshua’s. He doesn’t miss a beat. It just allows him to pull you closer. There’s something incredibly intimate in kissing him like this. There’s this weird contrast of desire and comfort. It’s heated, but also a little lazy. Like you have all the time in the world. Which you do, you think, now that you’re being honest about your feelings.  When Joshua pulls back from the kiss, you chase his lips for a second before realizing that he’s pulled away. The way he looks at you nearly melts you into the couch.

“I don’t want to assume where this is headed, but maybe we should take it to the bedroom?” he asks. It’s cute, the way he’s a little shy. Like you didn’t invite him in to spend the night. Yeah, you’re in way over your head. At least it seems like he might be too. 

You pull your legs back so that you can stand up. His eyes track your movements as you reach your hand back to him. He accepts it without a word and lets you lead him to the bedroom. Even if he’s seen your bedroom before, this feels different. You’re waiting for him to look around, but his eyes are glued on you. Joshua even waits for you to lead him all the way to the bed, so you direct him to sit on the edge. 

Once Joshua is seated, you step between his legs and tilt your head down to kiss him. He wraps his arms around you so that he can pull you against him. There’s barely any space between you. It sends a little bit of a shiver as his hands run up your back and back down. The touch is gentle and caring. Like he’s trying to put everything he feels into it. Something about it just makes you feel so insanely safe. 

He’s the one to break the kiss again, but this time it’s to move back onto the bed and grab your hand to pull you along with him. It’s easy to just follow suit and get comfortable laying next to him, bodies facing each other. The kissing picks up when your lips meet again. Joshua kisses you breathless with a passion you’re eager to explore. One of his hands rests on your hip, casually sliding beneath your shirt and caressing up your side. You press your body further into his and capture his moan with a kiss. It feels like you’re a bit drunk off each other.

When Joshua’s hand moves back down, you take the chance to throw your leg over his hip, allowing you to press further into him and feel how this is turning him on. Part of you knows that he’s still waiting for you to set the pace. Or that he wants things to be a little slower. So, you help him out and roll the two of you over so that you’re straddled on top of him. Putting his hands on your hips, you lean over to kiss him again. In this position, you can also grind into his lap. You delight in how he’s already getting hard beneath you, enjoy the way his hands grip the soft flesh of your hips.

He pulls back and looks at you with blown pupils. “Baby, please don’t tease me.” 

“No silly pet name?” you tease him. 

“Not when you’re getting me this turned on like a horny teenager,” he whines. 

“You mean like this?” you ask, injecting as much innocence as you can when you slowly drag your clothed pussy across his dick again. 

Joshua throws his head back, eyes squeezed shut, and grips you tighter. “Yes.” 

“So you don’t like it?” you ask, grinding a little more. 

“Fuck,” he hisses out. And somehow that’s the thing that almost breaks you. Why is that one swear so hot on his lips? 

Without saying anything, you sit up a little bit, still making sure you’re straddling Joshua, so that you can pull his shirt off him. Your eyes go wide because you’ve never seen him shirtless. You’ve seen him in well fitted suits or shirts, but this is entirely different. His chest looks like it was sculpted by an artist. All your attention is on your fingers running along his chest and you don’t see the way it makes him a little shy. 

His hands reach for your own shirt, playing with the hem like he’s asking permission. So, you move his hands aside and pull it over your head, leaving your skin bare as well. You watch him drink you in, feeling almost empowered by the desire you see in his eyes. He pulls you back towards him so that he can get one of your breasts into his mouth. The way he teases your nipple with his tongue has you clenching around nothing. You can feel how wet it’s making you and try your best not to squirm when he moves from one breast to the other. 

“I need you,” you utter. 

“I need you, too,” he says against your skin. His hips buck up into you almost involuntarily. 

You slide off of him and pull your shorts down and he gasps that you don’t have any underwear on. It isn’t like you were expecting anything, you just wanted to be prepared. While he’s still a little drunk on the sight of you fully naked, you help him discard the rest of his clothing. The sight of his cock springing free, precum leaking out, has you wanting to get your mouth on him. 

But, you’re realizing, what you really want is to feel him inside you. After so much tension and wondering, you just want to have this moment together. You want to be as close as two people can possibly get. You want all the intimacy and to be able to see his face. It’s this thought that pushes you back to the bed to lay with him. 

Joshua repositions and runs a hand down your body. Lets his fingers run along your thighs and tease their way up to gather some of your wetness. Your eyes close as he runs a finger up your slit. It’s such a little amount of contact and it makes you moan anyway. 

“Damn, are you this wet just for me?” he asks and presses a kiss into the first bit of your skin he can reach.

“I want to feel you,” you admit. Joshua makes you press a finger into your pussy, but you stop him. Confusion takes over his features.

“I thought…do you not want this?” he asks. 

“I do, but I want…I want all of you,” you admit. “I want to feel you deep inside of me. I want to be completely ruined by you. I want to come together.” 

“Shit,” he hisses, hand stilling against your body. “On one condition.”

“What’s that?” you ask.

“I want to taste you soon,” he says, pressing a kiss into your shoulder.

The thought of him between your legs makes you shiver. It’s almost enough to forget that you want this first time to be together. “Deal.” 

“Do you have condoms? I wasn’t exactly expecting…” he says, trailing off.

“That drawer,” you say and point. 

He rolls himself off of the bed to open the drawer. You’re not sure why you expect his hands to be a little unsteady when he rips open the wrapper and rolls it onto himself, but he’s so calm. Maybe it’s just you that’s a little nervous. At least, that’s what you think until you catch the look on his face. It has to be the same as yours, naked want mixed with a little bit of uncertainty. Everything else has been so easy with you, what if this is where it goes wrong? 

“Just lay back,” he urges you, voice calming any lingering nerves. His voice drops to a whisper, like the next statement is just for him. “You’re so beautiful, every single inch of you.” 

It makes your heart constrict in a way that you’re not really prepared for. It would be nice if your feelings could stop flooding in all at once like a dam breaking. It’s overwhelming. You do as he says, though, and lean back against the pillow. Joshua gently spreads your legs apart and takes another moment to appreciate you. He can’t seem to help himself from running a finger along your entrance. 

Even though he would fully be within his rights to tease you, he doesn’t. He lines himself up at your entrance and looks to you for final confirmation. All you can manage is a nod. You know he wants to hear you, but you can’t bring yourself to form the words. So, he accepts the nods and slowly presses into you.

“Fuck,” you hiss as you adjust to him. 

“Are you okay?” he worries.

“Feels good,” you say with a slight whine. “It’s just been a bit.” 

He presses the rest of the way into you and then stills so you can get used to him. It’s really overwhelming. Not just because you’re finally feeling him inside of you. More so because he’s looking at you with more adoration than you’ve ever felt in your life. Like this is it for him. Like you’re it for him. It’s too early to be thinking of love, but you really don’t know if anyone has ever loved you so completely. You think he’s probably it for you too. 

Once he finally starts to move, you know it’s going to be over entirely too fast. He starts with slow thrusts, testing what you want. You dig your fingers into his arms as a way to ground yourself. To anchor yourself to him and in the moment. When he picks up the pace, your mind goes entirely blank. It’s just the right speed. While you love the hard and fast fucking, there’s something so much more intimate about this kind of in between speed. 

“God you feel so good,” he whines as he snaps into you again. “So tight and perfect.” 

“You’re so - oh my god,” you moan out, unable to finish the sentence as he hits you just right. 

Joshua moves one of your legs so that it’s over his shoulder and presses further into you, hitting deeper than you were prepared for.

“Fuck, Joshua, holy shit,” you scream out. 

“Love the sound of my name on your lips,” he manages as his thrusts pick up pace. 

You want to respond that you love saying it, want to say anything, but the thrusts are entirely too much. As if it wasn’t already too much, Joshua adjusts again so that he can press his thumb against your clit. He rubs circles in time with his thrusts and you think that you might see stars. You throw your head back, eyes pressed shut.

“Look at me, baby. I wanna see you when you come,” he urges, his own voice sounding ragged. 

Despite wanting to focus on the pressure building between you, you do as he asks. Your eyes meet his and it’s that look that makes that coil snap. You’re coming hard and digging your fingers into whatever you can find to release some of the tension in your body. This might be the best orgasm you’ve had. 

When you come back to this plane, Joshua has stilled inside of you. One of his hands gently caresses your face as he mumbles quiet praises. It’s so impossibly tender.

“It’s okay, sweetheart, you can move,” you assure him.

“Thank fuck,” he mumbles. 

His pace now picks up to something fast and hard with one of his large hands anchoring your thigh to his body. Your hands grip any part of his body that they can reach and you relish the way he hisses when your nails drag patterns down his skin. Marking him so that he belongs to you. Just as you belong so completely to him. 

It seems impossible but you can feel the tension building low in your stomach again. His thrusts are so hard that you feel like his cock might split you open and something about it just works for you. You hadn’t thought anything about him would translate to this kind of hard and fast sex, but it’s somehow better than you could have imagined. With him so focused on chasing his own high, you rub circles on your clit to bring yourself over the edge again. You tumble over the edge for a second time just as Joshua’s thrusts get erratic. You do your best to take over the rhythm before slowing down. 

Joshua collapses on top of you, cock still buried in your pussy, and sighs. His weight on top of you feels like the best security you’ve ever had. Your hands find their way into his hair, gently stroking and scratching his scalp. As he comes back around, he presses his head further into your hand. 

“Hey,” you say when he looks up at you.

“You’re perfect,” he responds and you can’t keep the smile off your face. 

“You were pretty perfect yourself,” you say. 

“Am I too heavy, I could…” he starts and you pull him tighter against you.

“Don’t you dare,” you warn. 

He doesn’t say anything, just nuzzles his face into your neck. But, you know that you can’t stay like this forever. So you don’t protest when he gently pulls himself up and gets out of the bed. You’re right behind him, leading him into the bathroom so that you can get both of you cleaned up. 

After getting cleaned up, dressed, and doing your respective night time routines, you and Joshua are settled back into your bed (on top of a fresh set of sheets). Although you’ve never been much for falling asleep cuddling, you can’t imagine leaving any space between you and him. When he wraps himself around you, all you can do is smile and settle deeper into his perfect chest. Honestly, every inch of this man is perfect and you’d be annoyed if you weren’t so helplessly attached to him. 

And it’s the best sleep you’ve gotten in a long time. You wake up with his chest pressed into your back and his arm still wrapped around you. It sounds like he’s still asleep based on his breathing and so you’re just considering slipping out of the bed. He moves in his sleep and pulls you tighter against him, making you feel that he’s semi-hard again. You press back against him, almost testing if he’s really asleep. 

He’s not. 

Joshua’s hand, already against the skin of your stomach and underneath your shirt, moves further up to your breast. His hand squeezes your breast and then he brushes his thumb over your nipple. Your body responds to his touch embarrassingly fast, which only seems to spur him on. He’s got your nipple between his fingers before you press back into him again, wiggling your ass against his dick without pretending you’re doing otherwise.

“Good morning beautiful,” Joshua says in a raspy voice into your ear. 

The warmth of his breath along with the pressure of him rolling your nipple between his thumb and forefinger has you suppressing a moan. In the quiet of the morning, he hears it anyway. He removes his hand from your breast and you want to pout at the loss of contact. That is, until his hand works down between your legs, roughly grabbing hold of your pussy through your shorts. He runs his middle finger through your folds, likely feeling the way your shorts are getting soaked through already. 

“Feels like someone might have woken up ready,” he says into your ear, voice sinfully low. His finger is still slowly teasing you through the damn material of your shorts. Somehow that makes it feel hotter. 

“I wonder why,” you retort, undermined by the way you squirm under his touch. 

“Do you want me to stop?” he asks and stops his movements. 

Your hand immediately moves to his. To guide him back to your cunt. “Please don’t. Want to see what those hands can do.” 

His mouth is still by your ear, so you hear the dark chuckle and feel the air tickle you. He moves your hand aside along with your shorts as he slips his hand inside the fabric. His middle finger resumes the previous pattern almost lazily. You’re about to ask him to stop teasing you when he presses a finger inside you suddenly.

“Fuck,” you nearly scream. 

“Is someone a little sensitive?” he teases. He’s a fucking demon and you would gladly sell your soul so he didn’t stop. 

The way he pumps his finger inside of you is entirely too slow. But, when you try to meet his rhythm, he stops. Just when you think you might actually die, he inserts a second finger. It makes your back arch, pressing your ass further against his now very hard cock. He hisses and pulls his fingers out from you. As you’re turning over to adjust your position, you see him insert his fingers into his mouth. Holy shit. He really is the hottest man you’ve ever met. 

Instead of letting you carry on in any way, he pushes himself up and repositions. You’re not really sure what he’s doing until he reaches for your shorts to pull them off. His focus is on you, silently asking for permission again. All you can do is nod. 

“Told you that I wanted to taste you,” he reminds you once your shorts are off. 

“Are you sure…” you start to ask before he cuts you off.

His head snaps up so he can meet your eyes. “I’ve been waiting to taste you for weeks.”

That shuts you up pretty effectively. What can you really say in response to that? Anything you might have said dies in your throat as he licks a messy stripe up your folds. He quickly settles, using one hand to keep you spread open for him, and licks into you. It’s all you can do to keep your eyes on him as his head bobs between your legs. You thread your fingers through his hair to keep him in place even though you know he’s not going anywhere. (And okay, maybe it’s more to ground yourself to him than anything else.) 

It shouldn’t be surprising that his attentiveness translates this well, but it is a little surprising how well he seems to know your body. The way he knows just when to switch from licking into your cunt to flicking his tongue over your clit. The way he knows when he needs to add a finger and then a second. The way he can tell everything your body needs before you even realize it. 

By the time he pulls himself up your body, he’s got you nearly panting from the build up. The kiss he presses to your lips is sloppy and a little desperate. Like you’re both totally fucked out. His fingers inside you keep a relentless pace as he hooks them, hitting that perfect spot. 

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you yell out, breaking the kiss. Your whole body feels like it’s on fire in an entirely different way from the night before. 

There’s nothing in the world but Joshua and the way he coaxes everything out of you. The way he has you squirting on his fingers. You’re not even sure if the praise coming out of your mouth makes any sense and you’re definitely not sure what he says in return. It’s all you can do just to appreciate the moment. 

You think that you’re going to get the chance to get your mouth around his cock now that he’s given you another mind blowing orgasm. But, by the time you get your breathing under control, you see that he’s rolling a condom from your drawer onto himself. He pulls you to the edge of the bed so that your legs are hanging off. It’s instantly stronger than you’re expecting from him and pulls a gasp from you. 

Without even thinking, your legs fall open. Joshua seems to have found a bottle of lube, too, and spreads it over his cock. When he lines himself up at your entrance, you expect him to ease in like the night before. He doesn’t. He snaps his full length inside of you in one motion and you’re so overstimulated, but it feels so good.

“Fuck me, Joshua, oh my fucking god,” you say and clench down around his dick. 

“Shit, that feels so good,” he hisses. 

“You feel so good,” you moan. 

“You have no idea,” he answers and starts thrusting. 

It’s a complete haze from the moment you hear his skin slap against your own. Every coherent thought leaves your head. There is nothing in the world but you and him and the way you make each other feel. He leans over your body, crowds your space. Steals sloppy, desperate kisses. Praises you constantly and in broken sentences. It’s all you can do just to hold on, so sore and so unable to stop.

Your hands grip into the sheets around you that are completely rumpled. You try everything to keep your eyes on Joshua’s face. Memorize the way he looks when he’s concentrating. Appreciate how totally gone he is because you’re sure it’s the same look you have. Delight in the way his eyes get even wider when you clench your pussy around him. 

It feels a little like he’s using your body to chase his own high, except there’s total comfort in that. All you want is for him to feel as good as you do. All you want is for him to get that release, especially since you haven’t been able to get your mouth on his cock yet. 

“Harder Joshua, please. I know you’re close,”  you beg and he obliges immediately. 

Even though you’re trying to meet the rhythm, you can’t. It’s too erratic and too unpredictable. So you pull him down to you again and kiss him. Slip your tongue inside his mouth and let the kisses get as sloppy as they need to. You feel how close he is and only kiss him harder. He breaks the kiss for the last few thrusts, groaning as he comes. You’re right there with him. 

(Later, he tells you that he’s never seen anyone hotter than you when you come. It would make you embarrassed in any other situation. But, you realize that you’ve never been with anyone that’s come close to him, so maybe it’s okay to accept his praise. Maybe you deserve it. Maybe this is the person that you’ve been waiting for.)

Now, you really do have to get up and clean up. As tempting as Joshua’s offer to shower together is, you don’t want it to turn into shower sex because that’s just not sexy (or practical). Neither one of you can seem to guarantee keeping their hands off the other. Instead, you tell him that he can use the shower in your guest room. It’s fully stocked and there are still more spare clothes in there. He insists that he should get some laundry going because you must be running out of clean sheets and you definitely made a mess. 

With Joshua cleaning up some around the house, you’re the first out of the shower and dressed. Pleasantly sore in the kind of way you really enjoy. You’re sitting on the couch and scrolling through your phone, trying to decide if you want to order food or just cook what you already have. Before you can make a decision, there’s a knock at the door. It’s impossible to guess who it could be. Even Jeonghan wouldn’t bother you like this. Although he’s been texting asking for an update after you told him you finally got your shit together, he wouldn’t show up like this. 

When you open the door, you’d give anything for it to just be Jeonghan. Instead, you see a face that you’ve been seeing entirely too much lately.

“What are you doing here, Johnny?” you ask with a heavy sigh. 

“I need to talk to you,” he says.

“Why?” you ask.

“Come on, don’t be like that,” he pleads.

“Johnny, it’s the day after your wedding. What the fuck are you doing on my doorstep?” you ask, arms crossed. 

“Are you really going to make me do this in the hallway?” he asks. 

“I don’t see any reason to invite you inside,” you retort. 

“It’s about your, uh, boyfriend,” Johnny says a little awkwardly.

“Joshua?” you ask because that actually piques your interest a bit.

“Can I come in?” he asks.

“No. What about Joshua?” you ask.

“This is really awkward. It would be better if we were sitting down…” Johnny starts.

“My little honeybun, is everything okay?” Joshua asks from inside the apartment. He must be out of the shower. 

“Babe, we talked about the pet names,” you remind him as he joins you at the door.

“Oh, uh, I wasn’t expecting him to be here,” Johnny says.

“I’m her boyfriend, so I know why I’m here. What are you doing here?” Joshua says without hiding any disdain.  "Are you really her boyfriend, though?" Johnny challenges. You stiffen almost imperceptibly, but Joshua must notice it because he wraps an arm around you protectively. "Of course I am. Why are you here?"

“I needed to talk to her,” Johnny says stiffly.

“About you, apparently,” you say with your eyes on Joshua. 

“Right, so can you give us a minute?” Johnny asks with his eyes on Joshua.

“No, he can’t. If you have something to say, just say it. Then you can leave us alone,” you say.

“Fine, if you really want it to be like this, fine,” Johnny says. “I knew he looked familiar when I saw him at your parents’ house with you. It just took me a while. I ran into him at a couple of functions back when I was in college and traveling all around for my dad.” 

“Okay? And? I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why I care,” you say even though you know where he’s going.

“He was always with older women,” Johnny presses. 

“Can you just make your point so we can get back to our day?” Joshua asks.

“Fine,” Johnny says, irritated. “The whispers were that women paid him to come to the events with them. That he was selling himself to them.” 

You actually snort at the phrasing. It takes you several seconds to compose yourself. You wonder what the point of Johnny doing this and if it’s his way of trying to keep you on the hook. Then you realize that you don’t really care what he does. For the first time in forever, you’re genuinely happy. 

“I’m glad you think this is funny,” Johnny says. 

“Not that it’s any of your business, but I know how Joshua helped pay for his education. And like why am I going to give him a hard time over seizing an opportunity? There’s nothing wrong with profiting off of someone wanting his company platonically,” you say. 

“You’re assuming he wasn’t also sleeping with them,” Johnny says, a little stubborn.

“No, I’m not assuming. I know he wasn’t because we’ve talked about this. He told me all about it without even being prompted. And unlike certain people in my life, I have absolutely no reason to doubt him. I know I can actually trust him,” you say. “It was also years before we met. We’ve all got history.”

“Nice dig,” he says. 

“It’s not a dig, Johnny. Not everything is a slight,” you say with a sigh. “Where does Gabby think you are?”

“What?” Johnny asks. 

“Your wife,” you clarify. “Where does she think you are?”

“Oh, well, that’s not important. I just said I had some errands to take care of,” Johnny says and you roll your eyes.

“We’re done, Johnny,” you say.

“Wait,” he says as you’re moving to shut the door. “I know I fucked up, but…”

“There’s no buts. Not anymore,” you say. “Maybe there was a point where I’d want to hear the buts and the apologies and all that. I’m happy now, though, and you can’t even tell your wife that you came to see your ex-fiancee the day after your wedding.” 

“It’s not like…” he starts and you start to close the door at the same time.

“It’s exactly like that. Goodbye, Johnny,” you say. 

The second you close the door, you feel a giant weight lifted off you. You just feel tired. It’s obvious that there aren’t any feelings there anymore, so him pretending he cares as a pretense to see you just feels irritating.

“Are you okay?” Joshua asks, eyes raking over you.

“Yeah, I’m good,” you say.

“You sure?” he asks.

“Yeah, really. I think I knew when I saw him at my parents’ house that time you came over for dinner that I was completely over it,” you say. “I’m sorry he tried to bring something like that up or make it a big deal.” 

“I don’t care. It’s like you said, I did it and I’m not ashamed of that,” he says. “But, uh, I really wanted to thank you.”

“For what?” you ask.

“For defending me and for saying you trust me,” he says. It makes you a little shy for a second, so you look down.

“Oh, well, it’s not a big deal,” you say. 

Joshua closes the space and tilts your chin up to look at him. “It’s a huge deal to me. I know we started pretending, but trusting me means the absolute world.” 

“You make it easy,” you admit. 

That seems to render him a little speechless as well because all he does is pull you into him in the tightest hug he’s ever given you. Your body fits into his like a puzzle piece. Which sounds sappy, even if in your head, and you don’t actually care. It’s the safest and the happiest you’ve ever felt.

“What?” he asks when you pull away.

“Nothing, I just think this is going to work,” you say. 

Joshua smiles at you, that genuine smile he saves for when he’s at his happiest. “Yeah, I think so too.” 

i hope you enjoyed this fic! let me know your thoughts 💕

18 YEARS OLD, LOS ANGELES

His bags are packed in the corner of the room and you choose to ignore them as you focused on the warmth of his arms wrapped around your torso and entwined with your hand. His desk is empty and you choose to ignore that as you matched his shallow breathing behind you that filled the silence in the air. Your heart is beating out of your chest and the feeling was piercing through your every thought and emotion.

Joshua's blinds are cracked open and visions of pink, orange, red and gold paint the picture of Los Angeles' sunset onto his bedroom wall. You think it's the most beautiful sunset you've seen in your life and if it was any other day, you'd tug on Joshua's sleeve and beg to take a car ride down to the beach with a blanket and your hearts on fire.

"I love you," he whispered for the millionth time in an hour, "I always will."

"I know," you whisper against his soft skin again. tears pooling at your lash line again, "And I love you, Jisoo."

The silence falls again and your eyes dart over to the ticking clock. 5 hours to go.

"We'll make it work," he mutters, pressing his lips on the crown of your head, "You'll always be the one for me."

You just nod absentmindedly and choose to believe everything he was saying. Neither of you knew what was to come. Neither of you knew what to expect.

"Let's just enjoy our time with each other," you plead, "I'm going to miss you, Jisoo-ah."

"6000 miles," he utters the painful reminder of the distance that was to become of the two of you, "That's nothing for us. We can do that."

You squeeze his fingers laced in yours and press a kiss to the side of his neck, ever the more realistic one in your relationship, letting your eyes flutter shut as you felt the thumping of his heart under the palm of your hand. We'll be fine, you thought to yourself.

-

25 YEARS OLD, SEOUL

Life was about seizing every opportunity that came to you; an old friend had taught you that. When you were presented with a lucrative deal on a golden platter, there were no options other than to say yes.

That was how you found yourself in a new country and a new continent, with just two suitcases and a dream to fulfil. You weren't the most confident about the situation; you had been picked up from the comfort of your own city that you had spent the entirety of your life in and plonked across the world in a city where you knew no one. Well, no one that you spoke to anyway.

You had touched down at the airport on a rainy Thursday and crashed at your apartment in the city for two days before you could find the energy to explore your new home. Three days of café and museum hopping and tourist destinations exhausted you and you turned up to your first day at work shattered but nervous.

The HYBE building was three train stops from your apartment and entirely formidable, standing tall with 19 floors above ground and you were entranced as you walked into the lobby. It was sophisticated, modern and futuristic; a definite step up from the 4-floor walk-up studio you had been working at for 4 years.

"Y/N?" a man dressed in cargos and a loose t-shirt had called out to you, waving the hand that was perched on the information desk.

You gave a shy grin, knowing exactly who the man was in front of you, "Hi, Dohyeong!"

"It's nice to see you again. I've been tasked with showing you around and showing you the ropes here," he began, gathering a bunch of papers on the desk.

You bowed deeply, knowing that this man in front of you had made everything happen. Kwon Dohyeong, AKA Slow Rabbit was one of Big Hit and Hybe's in-house producers. His connections to the main producers at your studio meant that he had travelled to Los Angeles frequently and that led to the two of you working many times over the years on many tracks- K-pop or not. When Big Hit's only in-house female producer departed the team, they were in search of someone who could fill the large void she had left. Dohyeong had been the one to advocate and advertise you to the higher-ups and that was how you found yourself as the new in-house producer at one of the biggest and most affluent companies in the world.

"I'm so grateful to be here," you said sincerely.

"We're the lucky ones," he chided at you, handing over your lanyard, "Here's your pass around some of the doors. Most of the doors actually require face recognition too so we need to set that up before you can get anywhere. Security here is really tight because we need to protect the artists."

"Having the most popular artists in the world must come with some challenges," you agreed as you watched a large screen in the foyer flicker through some of the artists housed at the building. BTS, Tomorrow x Together, Enhypen-

"We should get going. There's a lot to tour," he tore your eyes away and began walking, "So there are 19 floors. The first 7 are for entertainment production. That's where the studios are. 8th to 16th are offices, so you won't find yourself there much, but the gyms are on the 14th to 16th floors. There are some lounges and meeting spaces right at the top. It's really nice there but gets quite busy. The rooftop is really cool too."

He passes a few security checks at some automatic doors before the two of you are stepping into an elevator with a plethora of numbers to press. He presses the 7th floor.

"Do you ever get lost?"

"All the time," he laughs, "It's actually like a maze. I can pretty much only navigate the floor with the studios and the cafés at the top. Really great coffee up there, by the way."

The elevator dings open and you're met with a series of closed sliding doors. He punches in a code this time and takes you down a corridor.

"We all get our own studio here. And there are a lot of empty ones for the artists, should they want to experiment with producing. Yours is just here," he stops in front of a door halfway down and then looks around, "Mine is down the other hallway. This one across from you is Universe Factory; it's like 3 studios in one. So this hallway can sometimes get noisy."

"Noisy? Why?"

He points to the sign next to the door that reads Universe Factory. Woozi. Bumzu. Kyuhoon. "Woozi from Seventeen? The boys come here to record everything so their sheer presence up and down this hallway is generally quite loud."

You swallow the nervousness that had been building up in your throat. Of course, you wouldn't get very far from him in this building. You guessed your path would cross one day, but you didn't imagine he'd be working right outside your studio.

"I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll have my headphones in all the time anyway," you dismissed, wanting to move the conversation along, "Can I peak at the studio?"

He smiled at you, seeing the excited glint in your eye, "Go ahead. Welcome to your new home."

-

A knock comes at your door three days later. By this time, you had settled into the studio and figured out the equipment that was miles ahead more advanced than what you had at home. Most of the in-house producers had dropped by your studio to greet you as you would all be frequently collaborating. Most of them.

"Hold on," you call out, hoping they'd hear through the very reinforced walls as you slipped your headphones off and paused the track that you had been playing around with.

You opened the door and your stomach dropped.

"Hey! You're the new producer, right? I'm Woozi- I work here," he points to the door behind him, "I just wanted to say hello and apologise in advance for the rowdiness that's about to happen. We're about to start recording for our next album. We have a comeback in a few weeks, but we already have to record the next album!"

You give him a weak smile, "I'm Y/N. And it's no worries. I won't hear a thing."

"Adora used to always complain," Woozi chuckled to himself, "I'll send the boys over with some gifts to tide you over when we start."

"No!" you immediately exclaimed before seeing the perplexity in his face as you caught yourself, "I mean- you don't have to do that. You guys must be very busy. I'll be just fine- don't worry! Good luck on your recording!"

Woozi was a perceptive person. He definitely knew you were trying to send him away- but for what reason, he didn't know. He gave you a final smile, "Okay, well I'll head into my studio. Give me a knock if you ever need anything."

"Will do. Thanks," you breathed out before closing the door behind you.

What a complete disaster.

You thought you had managed to avoid the situation and ward off the Seventeen boys for the time being. When they began recording the day after, you were pleased to find out that their noise wasn't entirely distracting if you had your headphones on, but you had to schedule your trips out of your studio according to the noise level outside.

That was how you had been having lunch at 3 PM for the past 3 days since the Seventeen boys were in and out of the recording studio until then, which was when you assumed they went to the practice rooms three floors down.

You had been working for a little over a week and were delighted with your new role, aside from the feeling that would erupt from your stomach every time you heard footsteps outside. You had met all the producers and worked a little on a couple of tracks with them while continuing to conjure up some of your own in hopes for them to be picked up by someone.

You were safe, until you weren't anymore.

"Y/N," a familiar voice called behind you. Shit, you thought they'd be gone. It was 5 PM already.

You turned around and smiled, "Woozi. What are you doing here so late?"

"No dance practice today so we're recording for longer," he shrugged, "Where are you off to? Home?"

"Just getting a coffee from upstairs," you gestured to the lift at the end of the hallway, "Gonna stay for a bit longer and try to finish up some tracks."

"You're gonna have to let me hear your music sometime. I'm a big fan of what you have out," he grins at you, "I'm actually going up too."

He knew who you were? That sounded... dangerous.

"Jihoon-ah, wait up," a figure emerged from Woozi's studio as the door clicked shut behind him. Blonde and mighty, Yoon Jeonghan was bounding towards the two of you, "I want a drink too."

"No coffee," Jihoon scolded, "Messes with your voice."

Jeonghan put his hands up, "I just wanted tea. My voice is getting scratchy," he turns to look at you, "You must be the new producer! I'm Jeonghan."

"Does everyone know there's a new producer?" you grinned awkwardly, "Y/N. Of course, I know who you are."

"We just know that your studio has been vacant for a while and we were wondering who we'd come and annoy next," he teased, "Y/N. What's your last name?"

Uh-oh. You could lie, right? You should, right? Just in case.

Jeonghan's eyes flickered down to the name badge that also held a picture of you without the mask you were adorning, "Y/L/N. Wait. You seem familiar. Have we met?"

"Hyung, that's greasy. Don't flirt with our new producer," Jihoon elbowed him in the side as the three of you walked into the elevator and Jihoon pressed the number for the café.

"I'm not flirting!" he defended as his eyes scanned over you, "I feel like I've seen your face and name before."

"I wouldn't know where," you retreated to the corner, timid in stature, "I've only been here a week. Maybe you've seen some of my music?"

Jeonghan's shoulders deflated, "Hm, maybe."

A silence fell on the three of you in the elevator as it shot up towards the top floors. Jihoon was tapping his feet on the metal floor to a beat and you were anxiously playing with your fingers, praying that Yoon Jeonghan did not know who you were.

The elevator door dinged, signalling that you had reached your floor at the same time Jeonghan reached his eureka moment. As soon as the doors opened, you began to make your escape, "Nice to see you guys. Bye!"

"Wait!" Jeonghan called out after you, "You're-"

You had fled around a corner before he could finish his sentence.

"Hyung, what was that?" Jihoon furrowed his eyebrows at the older man.

Jeonghan turned to his bandmate with a solemn stare, "Jihoon, that's Shua's ex-girlfriend."

-

Jeonghan's knock came two hours later. You could say you didn't expect it, but you hoped he would come and talk.

"Oh you're still here," he breathed out in relief, "Can I come in?"

You looked past him, confirming there was no one around before opening your door wider and gesturing for him to come inside.

"Can we talk?" he took a seat on the couch pressed up on the wall, "I feel like we should talk."

"We should," you hummed as you took your seat on your spinning chair and faced him.

"You're who I think you are, right?" Jeonghan began cautiously, "Y/N. From Los Angeles."

"You're right," you affirmed nervously, "How do you know who I am?"

"I've heard a lot about you. I feel like I know you already even though we'd never met," he chuckled to himself.

"He talked about me? I'd only met Vernon a few times on the phone all those years ago."

"Well, not by choice. I forced a lot of it out of him because I was curious and I'm his best friend, but eventually, he'd just start talking about you to me on his own. I'm probably one of the only ones who know about you past your name," Jeonghan recalled, "Maybe Minghao since they talk over wine a lot. Those two definitely know more about each other than they let on. But I've seen pictures of the two of you. That's why I recognised you."

"Ah, I see."

You bowed your head, looking at your folded hands in your lap and unsure of how to feel that Joshua had talked about you past your break up.

"My question is, Y/N, does he know? That you're here?"

You met his eyes again, "Does he need to?"

"It's been a while since the two of you have spoken right?"

"7 years," you recount, "Give or take."

"I think he needs to know," Jeonghan advised, "I won't tell him anything if you don't want me to but what happens when you two run into each other one day in the hallway? What happens when he focuses his eyes too long on the name plaque outside your door while waiting to go into Universe Factory? What happens when you produce a track for us and need to record with Joshua? It'd be best for your reunion to take place somewhere private."

You sighed, "I know I'd run into him eventually or have to confront this situation. I almost didn't take the job out of respect for Joshua and keeping my distance, but this is all I could dream of," you gesture to the equipment and the studio behind you, "I don't know how Joshua'll react, to be honest."

"How do you want him to?"

You pause and think about Jeonghan's words. Did you want Joshua crying, scooping you up in his arms and sobbing about how much he'd missed you? Or would it be easier for him to loathe your existence and newfound proximity?

"I don't know," you mumble.

"Do you want to see him again?" Jeonghan presses on, "He's in the studio right now. About to be done with recording."

You gulped at the thought of seeing your ex-boyfriend once again for the first time in 8 years. You hadn't been prepared for this, but you don't think you ever will be. Besides, getting it out of the way was probably the best option.

"Yes. I do."

-

Another knock. It came just 20 minutes after Jeonghan had set off to get Joshua and prepare him. You look through the peephole to find Jeonghan grasping the arm of your ex-boyfriend adorned in a hoodie and sweats. He looked adorable.

You opened the door slowly, keeping your body behind and protected.

"Don't be nervous," Jeonghan cooed as he tugged Joshua inside, "Shua, meet our new producer."

"Jisoo-ah," you exhaled, meeting the eyes once more of the person you loved with your entire being, "Hi."

Your heart was beating out of your chest. Your head was spinning. Your hands were clammy.

Joshua's mouth parted in shock as he looked between Jeonghan and you. And then his gaze fixed on you, "Y/N."

"I'll leave the two of you to it. Don't get back too late, Shua," Jeonghan winked at his best friend and swiftly exited, leaving the two of you in a silent room standing and staring at each other.

You were the one to break the silence, "I know this is a bit of a surprise- a bit unexpected, but-"

You didn't really have an ending to your sentence and a quietness filled the space in front of you. He was standing two feet away, but it still felt like 6000 miles. 

"What are you doing here, Y/N?" he said incredulously, "You're our new producer?"

"Surprise?" you uttered awkwardly, "Dohyeong from Big Hit scouted me to replace Adora as an in-house producer. I couldn't say no."

Joshua's mind flashed back to all those nights in your small room where you'd be messing around on Garage Band and he'd be on your bed cooing sweet words into the microphone attached to the laptop, "Of course. This is a dream come true for you. I'm proud of you."

"You are?"

"This has always been your dream, hasn't it? Get out of Los Angeles and be a big producer," he recalled, "Guess we're both living our dreams now."

"Yeah, I guess," you smiled softly to yourself.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming?" his eyebrows pulled into a furrow.

Your heart ached, "I didn't think we were on speaking terms, Joshua. I know I should have since I'm working in the same building as you, but I didn't- It was hard."

"My mom didn't say you were moving here. She just said you were moving far away."

"Your mom still talks to you about me?"

You knew that Joshua's mother used to update him about you fresh from your breakup, but you didn't think she was still doing so 7 years later, especially after she stopped talking to you about him. It was probably your fault anyway. It was probably how your entire demeanour dropped and something clouded over your eyes when she mentioned his name. That was around the time she stopped inviting you to dinner at their house; she had found you once grasping a picture frame on their mantel- one of the two of you at your middle school graduation. 

"You're the daughter she's always wanted," Joshua smiled thinly, "I know it hurt her to distance from you when I left."

You remembered the day one month ago when you approached her at the end of a church service and told her that you'd be moving far away, hopefully permanently. She had pulled you into one of her famous tight hugs and stroked your hair the same way Joshua used to, telling you that she always knew you'd achieve your dream. Sure, your job in Los Angeles was cushy and it was probably beneficial due to artists all over the world coming to the city to work with producers, but you wanted out. You had been born and raised in the same place, and you wanted a change. 

"I didn't tell her," you admitted, "In case she would tell you."

He folded his arms together and squinted, emotions unreadably, "So I found out like this? By Jeonghan recognising you and effectively forcing you to tell me? Were you going to tell me?"

"Of course," you defended, "I just didn't know how. I don't even know how to contact you and how was I explain to Jihoon that I needed to talk to you without seeming like an ill-intentioned obsessive fan?"

"You could have asked my mom for my number," he deadpanned.

"Oh," you snorted to yourself, "Didn't think of that."

He was still standing on the same spot by the door, afraid to move any closer, "Well, I'm glad you're here, Y/N. Don't be a stranger."

- 

"He what?"

"He left! He just left! He told me 'don't be a stranger' and left without giving me any way to contact him," you screeched to your best friend over the phone.

Her mighty laugh rang through the speakers and into your bedroom the next morning. You had just got up, about to get ready to go to work, but it was just the evening the day before for her, "Y/N, you're so screwed."

"Screwed? Why?"

"You're working in the same building as your great, lost love," she pointed out, "How do you think that's going to play out?"

"He's not my great, lost love," you snorted in denial.

"Okay, tell that to your songs then," Yoona drawled, "All of your songs."

Rolling your eyes, you chuckled, "Come on, Yoona. He's an idol and I work in the same company as him. We're not getting back together. And he definitely does not have any feelings for me anymore; it's been 7 years. Is he even allowed to date?"

"I heard Pledis doesn't have a dating ban. Plus, it's been 7 years for you too, but you're still in love with him. He could be in the same position."

"I'm not still in love with him!" you yelled in defence.

"I've never heard such bullshit, Y/N. You haven't dated a single person in 7 years. What does that say about you?"

"I've been on dates!"

"You've been on a trillion first dates," she reminded you, "Never a second. There was always something wrong with them. 'Oh, he lives too far away.' 'Oh, he doesn't have a car.' 'Oh, he doesn't like the beach.' 'Oh, he doesn't sing.' 'Oh, he didn't open the car door for me.'"

"I had standards, Yoona."

"No, Y/N, you had Joshua. And every person after you compared to him. You still do. You wouldn't date anyone too distinctly different from Joshua, because they weren't him. You wouldn't date anyone that was too similar because they just reminded you of him. Admit it, all you wanted was him."

Her words targeted your heart directly as you looked back on the past 7 lonely years.

"I have to get ready for work," you said quietly.

"Okay. I love you, Y/N, but it's going to be hard living in denial like you have been for 7 years when he's so close to you now."

You ended the call, feeling worse than you did at the start of the call. Yoona knew everything about you; she had been one of your closest friends since the start of high school, so she knew you for about 5 years of your long relationship with Joshua. She was the one that held you together through the sophomore year of college when your relationship fizzled out and got too hard. She had been the one to make sure you were taking care of yourself when all you wanted to do was lie in bed, curtains drawn and reminisce over every picture you had of your love.

She knew you better than you knew yourself, and she was right. It felt like in 7 years you never confronted and came to terms with your feelings for Joshua. All you did was write archives and archives of songs about him, without internalising all the lyrics you wrote about letting him go. You would spend countless sleepless nights penning lyrics of your relationship and then recording them, only for no one to hear and to be stored in that dreaded 'for you' folder on your laptop.

Whatever, you thought as you peeled away your covers, you had to go to work. 

You quickly made yourself presentable, as if you hadn't been tossing and turning all night about your reunion with your ex-boyfriend, and got on the train to the building. You spent the 5-minute ride with your ears plugged and your earphones blasting your favourite artist to distract you from your thoughts. It was no good reminiscing. It never did your heart any favours. 

"Good morning, Y/N," Dohyeong stepped into the elevator with you, "How was your night?"

"Didn't get a lot of sleep. So tired," you mumbled.

"You wanna get coffee upstairs?" he offered, tone friendly.

"Maybe later. I just wanna get into the studio already. One of those days where you're overflowing with ideas."

He smiled, "Those days are good."

The elevator stopped on your floor and the two of you got out, pausing briefly to say goodbye as you split into different hallways. You prodded along to your studio, turning on the lights and all your equipment as you placed your bags down. Immediately, you felt your body relax in the environment. Your studio would always be your safe space, no matter if it was your laptop and mic in your childhood bedroom, your box of a room in downtown LA or this high-tech one in the middle of Seoul. You could feel all your worries dissipate as you slipped on your headphones and loaded up your software. 

An hour later, you heard a knock at your door. It took you a few moments to reach it, but when you finally opened the door, there was no one there. There was just a coffee cup placed on the floor on the holder and a chocolate bar. Picking it up, you furrowed your eyes.

The label read that it was an iced hazelnut latte; your favourite. How had Dohyeong known your order? It must have been that time you got coffee in the first week.

'Have a good day :)' was written on the side of the cup, and all seemed like such a nice gesture. 

Up until you realised that the message was written in English. In a scrawl all too familiar to you. In the phrase that would end every letter that Joshua would send to you from when he was abroad and you were trying to make your relationship work.

There was no way that Joshua had got you coffee, right?

But the drinks started turning up almost every day; the same drink with the same message written on the side, with nothing ever pointing you to the direction of Joshua. He had not once turned up at your door seeking recognition for his acts of kindness. Not once had he ever left you any hint that it was him and you were beginning to think that the barista from upstairs had a crush on you or something and noted your foreign twang in your accent.

"Dohyeong," you walked into his studio, holding the 8th cup you had received, utterly baffled and desperate to get to the bottom of the mystery.

"Hey! Is that for me?" he pouted at the coffee in your hand, even though you spotted a newly finished cup next to his mouse.

"Apparently, it's for me," you looked at the cup curiously, "Someone's been putting coffee outside my door for the past week and a half with the same 'Have a good day' written on it but I don't know who it's from."

His eyes widened at the gesture, "Well, it's not me. I promise. Looks like you have a secret admirer, Y/N."

Ah, so not Dohyeong. That didn't really leave the hunt closed, because why would Joshua do it? Wasn't it risky to be seen putting coffee cups outside your door every day?

"If you ask me," Dohyeong cut in through your thoughts, "I'd say Jihoon. You guys have met a few times, you say? You once saw him in the queue for the café? And he works across you so he could knock quickly and then escape into his studio. He's there almost every day since the guys aren't promoting right now."

You weren't about to reveal your previous relationship to Dohyeong and it might've been Jihoon for all you knew. But Jihoon knew you were Joshua's ex-girlfriend right? Does bro-code even apply to a situation like this?

"You're overthinking, Y/N," Dohyeong placed his hands on your shoulders and moved you towards the door, "Just get to your studio early tomorrow and camp out by your peephole. I'm sure you'll catch them in the act."

"This is ridiculous," you huff, sipping on the coffee made just how you liked it.

"By the way, Y/N," his tone turned teasing, "The Pledis boys are allowed to date. Just thought they were all dating each other, though."

-

The next day, you were camped out at your studio at 8:30 AM. You never used to get in until around an hour later, but sometimes the coffee would already be there when you got to work. Sometimes there was a knock, but the person was always quick to get away.

You refrained from setting up your equipment and putting your headphones on, because you knew that they'd get away too quickly if you did. Instead, you were sitting on the couch adjacent to the door, waiting for their knock or some footsteps outside. 

Around half an hour later, you heard shuffling outside your door. Jumping up from your seat, you scrambled to the peephole and peered outside, only for your worst fears to come true. Jihoon, not Joshua, was outside, setting the coffee down with a knock before dashing into his studio. 

There was no way. Jihoon did not have a crush on you, right? Maybe it was just a nice gesture from him, but why would he leave it anonymous? The anonymity of the whole ordeal just made everything more suspicious. 

But, why did the handwriting look like Joshua's?

You weren't a confrontational person; you never had been, but desperate times called for desperate measures and you had to squash any ideas in Jihoon's head and find out if he even had any! It took you an hour of building up courage and pep-talking yourself before you marched two steps across the hallway and knocked on the door.

"Y/N," Bumzu smiled at you, "To what do we owe the pleasure?"

"Can I speak to Jihoon, please?"

He nodded, opening the door wider and letting you inside. You had never been inside Universe Factory before, and you assumed it was going to be a different layout due to having multiple studios inside, but the place surprised you. It was like stepping into a new building, with another hallway facing you and doors on either side.

"He's the second door on the right, but he might be in here," Bumzu pointed to the first door on your left, "Some of the boys just got here, so probably recording."

"Oh they are?" you gulped at the idea of running into Joshua, "I'll just come back another time."

"No, no! I'm sure it's fine. The boys are nice; you should meet them," Bumzu urged, about to open the door to the spare studio.

"No! Just tell him I dropped by-"

"Hi hyung," before Bumzu could open the door himself, the door swung open, "What's all this noise out here? Oh! Hi Y/N."

You pressed your lips into a thin smile, "Hi Jeonghan."

"What are you doing here?"

"Is Jihoon in there? She wants to talk to Jihoon," Bumzu revealed, pushing open the door. In fact, Jihoon was in there, alongside every other member of their vocal team.

"Vocal team are recording our title track today," Jeonghan informed you, leading you inside the large studio that was decorated quite plain as it was only a spare, "You should come and watch."

"Oh, Y/N!" Jihoon grinned as he saw you come in and the door close behind, "What did you want to talk to me about?"

"Nothing, nothing. I can just come back," you tried to dismiss, heading for the door already before a hand caught your wrist.

"You should stay," Joshua murmured, "Do you want to watch?"

"That's a good idea," Jihoon hummed, "You haven't recorded with any of the artists yet, right? I'll even give you the reins when I record since I still can't trust these 4."

There were two other members sitting on the couch who you hadn't met yet. They both shot you a grin.

"Seungkwan. DK," you smiled at them, "I'm Y/N, the new producer at Hybe."

"You're really pretty!" DK grinned, shaking your hand.

Jeonghan scoffed, slapping the back of his head as he pouted, "She's your noona. Stop it."

As you shook Seungkwan's hand, DK just gave you a cheekier grin, oblivious to the stares of the three who knew who you were, "You can call me Seokmin."

"Sit down, Y/N," Jihoon pointed at the vacant spinning chair, "You can help all you want or just observe! Who's next?"

Joshua began walking over to the microphone on the other side of the room, sliding the headphones on and giving you a nervous look.

"Don't get shy, Shua," Jeonghan smirked, which just grew more mischievous at the warning look you had shot him.

"We're recording our title track for our next album. It's called Rock with You," Woozi informed you, showing you the screen on his computer to display all the complex layers the song already had, "Joshua, ready when you are."

Joshua's familiar vocals soon filled the room, taking you right back to all those years ago when the two of you would play around with less sophisticated software and cheap mics. His voice had definitely developed, but he had always been incredibly talented. 8 years of expensive vocal training had just enhanced and controlled what he already had.

"You, who let me become this song right now. You're coming towards me, three, two, one," Joshua crooned into the mic, familiar as ever.

"Good," Jihoon noted, "Make the 'now' a bit shorter. And less breathy."

Joshua nodded, repeating the line into the mic and following the instructions. You would forever be in awe of him and his voice.

"Let's do the dubbing now. One take."

Joshua chuckled, sending pangs straight to your heart.

Jihoon instructed for him to go, with Joshua singing the parts that would layer over the other members. He even did a line in his famous falsetto, one that would never fail to amaze you. 

"One take wonder," Joshua grinned as he slipped the headphones off and sat next to Seungkwan on the sofa, eyes avoiding you.

The other three members recorded their parts too, with you complimenting their outstanding voices and giving little offerings of advice whenever they would ask you how you thought it went. When Jihoon was about to record, he let you take his seat in front of his computer and gave you the lyrics to the song. 

Their recording swiftly finished, and when you thought you could make a quick escape, Seokmin had asked you a question, "Do you sing as well, Y/N?"

"Ah!" Seungkwan sounded out loud, "There's no way you're Y/N from YouTube right?"

You were panicked. Seungkwan knew your YouTube channel that you hadn't updated in over a year.

"Oh, yeah. I don't have many subscribers- how'd you know?"

"You have like a million," Seungkwan scoffed, "I really like your song called Before."

Oh, shit. The one and only song about Joshua that you had released to the public. 

"Sing it for us, please! I want to hear your voice," DK clapped in his seat.

"I can sing you another song," you said softly, nervously, "I don't even remember how that one goes."

"I do!" Seungkwan called out, "Didn't it go like: "You were all I'd ever known and now I'm supposed to love you from a distance, like it's nothing, like its instant and you say "let's just see where this goes" and I don't know how or why you seem just fine, coz I'm having to grasp that you're somehow not mine anymore. It's so cruel how things are only almost like they were before."

If you could do a facepalm in that room right now, you would. What were the chances that Joshua's bandmate would have heard the song you released about him, remember how the melody went and the English lyrics of the song and sing it while he was in the same room as you.

"It did go like that," you weren't sure if you were humiliated or heartbroken. Probably both, "I should go."

You didn't even give the other boys a chance to say anything before you bolted out of the room.

Jeonghan stared at the two oblivious on the couch, hands on his hips and shaking his head, "Dumb and dumber. The two of you."

"What did we do?" Seungkwan's voice raised a few octaves as he yelled out in confusion, "What's wrong with him?"

Joshua was banging his head softly against the wall next to the couch, groaning softly at the scene that just played out in front of him.

"Y/N wrote that song," Jihoon drawled softly, to Seungkwan's small 'duh!, "Presumably about an ex? Maybe?"

"Oh yeah, I think the song's about being in a weird situation with a long-distance ex, if I remember correctly," Seungkwan piped up.

"So what's wrong?" Seokmin asked, curious.

"Well, guess who's our poor little Joshua's ex-girlfriend?"

Seokmin and Seungkwan's eyes widened in realisation, mouths dropping at the bomb. Seokmin began nervously laughing, "Wow, what a small world, huh?"

- 

It was only your third week at your new job, and a lot had happened already. You were beginning to doubt if it was such a good idea to have taken the job in the first place, considering your ties to a certain individual. You knew it was going to cause you trouble, but you didn't think it would do so this early.

You were sitting at your desk, head in your hands and breathing deeply as you tried to calm yourself down about the situation that had transpired. Joshua had never heard any songs that you wrote about him during your long-distance relationship, and of course, he never heard any song that you wrote after you broke up. You were mortified at the idea of him knowing how you felt during that time, and you should have known that releasing that one song into the world for people to hear without regulation was a bad idea.

The knock at your door pulled you out of your thoughts. You were in a half a mind to ignore it, but you knew that would help no one.

"Can we talk?" Joshua was standing outside your studio, expression unreadable.

"Yeah," you welcomed him in, closing the door behind you and trapping the two of you in your studio, a bubble away from the world, "I'm sorry about what happened. I didn't know Seungkwan knew who I was, let alone knew this one song I released among a few."

"It's not your fault," Joshua sighed, "It's mine. I'm sorry; I should have told them that you were here."

"Who does know?" you asked, "About me?"

"Well, all the boys knew I had a girlfriend back then. They knew your name, of course, but since you never met them and we both grew up, that's probably why they don't recognise you," Joshua voiced as he walked through the answer in his head, "And they knew you were from home, so they don't expect you to be here. But, obviously, Jeonghan and Jihoon know about you being here. And Vernon, because I tell him everything too and you had met."

"I see," you noded.

"Is that song about me?"

Ah, the golden question that made you cringe internally as you pulled your lips into a tight line, "Heartbreak's a very good inspiration."

"And what would you say if I asked to hear it?" 

"I'd say, do you want me to die from humiliation?" you fired back, playfully.

A smile invaded Joshua's face, "Fine, I won't push," his eyes flickered to the cup on your desk, "You haven't drunk your coffee today?"

Oh, the coffee mystery; the whole reason you got into the mess at Universe Factory.

You held it up, confused, "Are these from you? I saw Jihoon putting it in front of my door today. This is like the 9th one!"

He smiled slyly, "Jihoon puts them outside, but I order it and write the note. Felt like it was suspicious to anyone walking past if it was me. Jihoon is across you, so it seemed less weird. You couldn't tell?"

"There's not exactly a 'from Joshua' on the end of the note," you counter, "And why would you?"

"You know I love me my acts of service," Joshua said, "I used to get you this every other day at the start of school from the Starbucks across the road. Of course, it was from me!"

"You're confusing, Joshua."

"Confusing? Why?"

"Cause you used to do this when we were dating," you pointed out, "We're not dating anymore."

"Ouch," Joshua smiled, pain decorating his features, "I'll stop if it makes you uncomfortable."

You sighed, running your hands through your hair, "It's not that, Joshua."

"Then, what is it?"

"I just don't want to get the wrong idea," you admitted, "I don't want to be deluded into thinking that you still want anything to do with me."

"Y/N, what? I want everything to do with you," he furrowed his eyebrows, stopping himself from reaching out to take your hand, "You'll always be important to me."

"Don't say things like that, Joshua," you pleaded, fighting to stop tears pooling at your lashline, "How am I meant to take that? I've been trying to move on for 7 years, Joshua, but this is really not going to help."

"Have you moved on?" his voice was small and reluctant. 

"I don't know, Joshua. We dated for 5 years. I was so in love with you and you were my entire universe, and then you were just gone. Do you know how hard that is for someone? I didn't know anything about what you were doing for a whole year until your debut. Then you were everywhere. All our friends kept up with your group. They always talked about you. They always told me that you'd come back too, and you never did!" you ranted at him, slowly starting to pace the room back and forth and Joshua remained glued to his spot.

"You were the one that wanted to break up, Y/N," Joshua reminded you, "I loved you just as much as you loved me. More, by the end of it."

"Don't say shit like that," you snapped, "I always only grew to love you more each day, but you weren't being realistic. You were training practically 24 hours a day. I didn't know what times I could call you, so I was always just waiting and waiting for the phone to ring, hoping I even had 20 minutes of your time. And when you would call, I'd always be asleep and out of it. I loved you, Joshua, but it didn't feel like a relationship anymore. I went to college and you had your career here, 6000 miles away."

"But we always said that we could do it. That we'd fight through anything."

"Did you really think that it was even wise to have a girlfriend while you were training? And what would have happened if we were still together by the time you debuted? What if people from back home exposed you, exposed us? It wouldn't have been a good image," you said, "Don't ever think that breaking up with you was an easy decision; it was and will forever be the hardest choice I've ever made in my life. Do you think I wanted to lose you either? To spend all those years crying and pining after you, when I knew I couldn't have you?"

"I'm sorry," he apologised, "I know it was unfair on you and I knew it was hard for you. I've always been yours, Y/N. Through all these years."

Your heart thudded against your chest, the only sound in the silent room.

"We could try again," he said quietly, "You're here now and we're older and I'm allowed to date, and you work in the building so we're protected and-"

"But we grew up, Joshua. We don't know the first thing about each other anymore."

He closed the gap between you, taking his hand in yours and meeting your worried eyes, "But you'll always be the one thing I can't outgrow."

- 

"I told you so," Yoona grinned smugly on your screen as she applied her makeup, "3 weeks, huh? Thought it'd take longer to be honest."

"We're not dating," you quipped.

"Yet. You told him you weren't over him. He told you that he's loved you still all these years-"

"He didn't say that!"

"Y/N, you're so blind. He said to you that he's been yours all these years. What do you think that means? Anyway, where does this leave you then?" she rolled her eyes.

"Well, he gave me his number, for one," you chuckled, "He said I should come over and we can catch up and talk for longer, but he had to go to practice. Then he said I need to meet his members soon too."

"Down bad," she laughed, "He wouldn't introduce you to his members if he wasn't sure about wanting you back in his life. Take this opportunity and sprint, Y/N. It's what you've been wanting for 7 years."

"I'm still not sure if it's a good idea. He's still an idol. I know he's allowed to date, but it seems so risky."

"It's the perfect set up, silly!" Yoona exclaimed, "You're a producer at Hybe. If the public ever finds out a thing, the company will just say that you're working together. As long as you don't get caught kissing or holding hands in public, it's not that suspicious."

You sighed, thinking through her words. She was right, but you were still reluctant.

"Don't overthink. Just see how it goes," Yoona said softly, "If all goes to shit, just be friends. You were friends for 10 years before dating."

"Does that count? We were children," you hummed, "I remember more from when we were dating."

"Okay fine. If all goes to shit, quit your job and move back here," she glared, "But you won't do that, would you? So make it work; the universe gave you a second chance."

A second chance, you repeated to yourself. It was up to you what you were going to do with it.

- 

"Welcome to the 6th-floor dorm," Joshua whispered quietly, leading you into a modern and bright apartment. It was quite evident that boys lived there if the endless consoles at the TV and the wall of shoes by the door told you anything. It wasn't messy, but the organised clutter made it seem like it was, "Sorry about the mess. The only clean dorm is Wonwoo and Mingyu's."

"Is anyone here?" you looked around.

"Uh, I don't think so. Myungho's usually upstairs with Jun and Vernon, and Coups is probably on the 8th floor with Jeonghan or out eating." Joshua led you through the apartment, ending up at the door at the end of the hallway, "This is where no magic happens."

His room was fairly organised; his guitar sat in the corner and posters of his favourite band were placed strategically on his walls. Joshua was glad he had done his laundry the day before since they usually littered the couch that was placed under the window.

"It's nice," you smile, "Reminds me of your room at home."

"That's what I was going for," he uttered, sitting on the bed, "I know I've been in Korea for like a third of my life now, but home will always be home. I miss it."

"How long has it been since you went back?"

"I went to LA at the start of last year for tour, but I couldn't even go back home," he sighed, "I really want to see everyone again. How're our friends?"

"I call Yoona almost every day. She's getting married," you smiled, "The others I keep in touch with when they come back to LA from all the corners of the world they moved to after high school."

"Yoona's getting married already?" his eyes widened.

"25's a pretty normal age to get married," you shrugged, thinking about your best friend who had been with her boyfriend from college for 5 years now. 

"Damn, I lost a bet with Jae-seok then," Joshua chuckled, "I'm surprised he hasn't called to claim his money from me."

"What bet?"

"It's silly but we bet back in high school who'd get married first in the friendship group. He said Yoona would. He said that she's had her wedding planned since she was like 11."

"She has. That was a pretty safe bet. Who did you bet on?"

Joshua smirked, "Us, of course."

You blushed red, turning to look away from him. You let your eyes wander around the room. A small patch of wall was covered in polaroids, arranged in a grid pattern, with writing on the white slips at the bottom.

"You can investigate," Joshua permitted, seeing your gaze on the wall.

The majority of them were pictures of him and his members. Some were old- probably from their training days and a lot were more recent since they seemed to resemble his grown features. Your eyes caught on one around the bottom left corner. It was a polaroid of you and him, smiling sweetly at the camera in front of the castle at Disneyland in Anaheim. His arm was around your waist, the other throwing up a peace sign and you were mirroring his pose. 

Joshua smiled from behind you, plucking the polaroid away from the adhesive on the wall and flashing you the back that was covered in white marker.

"For my prince," he read out loud, grinning, "When you wish upon a star, your dreams come true."

"I forgot I wrote that," you smiled to yourself, "Thanks for keeping it."

"It's one of my favourites," Joshua returned its space on the wall, "And you look so beautiful in it."

"Still the gentleman, huh?"

He smirked again, "Haven't you heard, darling? That's my brand now."

You joined in with his laughter, "They should get to know the real you. Let's see what they say then."

Joshua took a seat next to you on the couch, "That's only for you to know."

His close proximity had your heart speeding up and caused your breath to hitch, "Why are you so close? Go back over there."

"Am I making you nervous?" he smiled innocently.

"When did you get this brave, huh?" you shuffled a little further down the seat, but he followed.

"I've always been brave. That's how you get everything you want. By being brave and taking chances," he dropped his voice to a whisper, closing even more distance between the two of you.

If you knew better, you'd think he was going to kiss you. He wouldn't right? Yeah, his head was getting closer to yours, but what did that mean?

"What are you thinking about?" he asked you.

You laughed nervously, "Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Well I'm thinking about how much I've missed you," he admitted, "And how much I want to-"

A loud thump sounded against Joshua's door, followed by high pitch shrieks. Then you heard a faint voice yell, "What are you idiots doing?"

Joshua groaned loudly, shaking his head as he stood up and bee-lined to the door. Upon opening it, Hoshi, Jun and Dino fell into Joshua's room.

"Are you guys serious?" Joshua growled, "I'm going to kill you all."

"Don't blame us!" Hoshi put his hands up, "We just came to collect Myungho for practice, but then he said he heard a girl's voice."

Minghao was standing in the hallway behind the three that had been peered up against the door, a bashful look on his face, "You should've told me you were having a girl over, hyung."

"I didn't think you were home!" Joshua defended, "What are you doing here, Jeonghan?"

"I was going to ask if you wanted to go out for dinner with me and Cheol. Then I found these three bozos with their ears pressed against the door and Myungho not even stopping them! Hi Y/N, by the way."

You waved awkwardly, refusing to budge from the couch.

"You know who she is?" Dino asked curiously.

"She's the new producer at Hybe, you idiots. Why does no one pay attention?" Jeonghan revealed.

"Hyung! You woo'ed the new producer?" Jun exclaimed incredulously, amazed at the idea.

"Oh my God. I can't take it anymore!" Joshua cried out, "Call everyone here. Band meeting. Now."

That was how you found yourself squished on a couch in their apartment, endless pairs of curious eyes on you in a silent room. Joshua was sat next to you, squinting at his members.

"Do any of you know the meaning of boundaries?" Joshua then glared specifically at Seungkwan and Seokmin, "Or making guests feel comfortable?"

"Uh, what is this about, hyung?" Mingyu piped up from an adjacent couch, entirely confused.

"You're all going to find out one day, so I'd rather just tell all of you now at once, but this is Y/N, our new producer at Hybe," Joshua explained. You watched as Vernon's eyes widened in realisation, "Yes, she's also my ex-girlfriend from home. The one I've told you all about."

Noise suddenly filled the room as the boys connected the dots and began talking over each other to fire endless questions. 

"Are you dating again?" Chan was ever so curious.

"No."

"Yes."

A collective 'aw!" filled the room as you and Joshua looked at each other.

"No, we're not," you clarified.

"Yet!" Joshua piped up.

"Says who? I haven't agreed to anything!"

Jeonghan laughed from around his lover's arm, "Look at them, Cheollie. They make me sick."

"Shut up, Jeonghan," Joshua fired to his best friend, "Anyway. That's all. You nosy, invasive people can all leave now."

"But I have so many questions," Soonyoung pouted.

Joshua glared at all of them, practically forcing all of them out of the apartment with his deadly gaze, "Get out."

- 

Two days later, you were back in the studio after a weekend off. You had spent that time recuperating from the stressful ordeals of the week before and also exploring the city a bit more. Going out by yourself was always one of your favourite activities since you could create any schedule and itinerary you wanted without worrying about pleasing another person.

Joshua had pouted to you over text the whole weekend since he had to spend the entirety of it at dance practice for their comeback. He didn't have time to see you but promised to take you out to dinner on Monday night. 

Monday morning, you were met with coffee on the floor in front of your studio again. You picked it up, happy to see that Joshua had signed it off with a heart. He had told you that it would be too risky to leave his name on it in case someone picked it up randomly, and so the both of you just agreed to leave names off. 

You shot him a thank you text for once, and he replied saying he'd come and visit on his break. You felt like a school girl once again, giggling over her crush. It was nice having a crush again, even if you'd been in love with said crush for 12 years. 

His break came 4 hours later, around lunchtime when Joshua turned up at your door with cups of iced tea and a plastic bag filled with Tupperwares of food.

"You're my new lunch buddy now," Joshua grinned at you, setting up the food at the table in the corner of the room.

"How will your poor members feel?" you awed.

"They'll get over it. I want to spend time with my princess."

You rolled your eyes, hiding the blush that invaded your cheeks, "Don't call me that."

"You love it," Joshua teased, "Anyway, I got us tteokbokki and chicken. I know you love Korean fried chicken."

"I've been getting my fix since I came here, don't worry," you think about how you've been ordering chicken to your apartment almost daily.

"Eat up," he offered, "And don't worry. I didn't forget about tonight?"

"Tonight?" you feigned forgetfulness.

"Shut up, Y/N. Our date."

"Date?" you spluttered, "I didn't agree to a date!"

Joshua laughed, "Would you say no?"

"Well, you didn't ask!" you defended, your heart suddenly beating fast again.

Joshua placed his cutlery down, taking your hands and instructing you to look at him, "Okay, well, will you go on a date with me?"

You looked down, failing to mask your smile as you mumbled a small yes.

"What was that? Couldn't hear you?" Joshua teased.

You rolled your eyes and bumped your arm against his, "Yes, I will go on a date with you."

"That's what I thought. I'll pick you up at 8."

-

You were dressed in a pretty floral dress- nothing fancy or over the top- adorned with tights, boots and a light coat to combat the spring breeze. You had been slipping on your favourite gold jewellery when the doorbell rang through your small apartment.

"Is he here?" Yoona called from your phone propped up on your vanity.

"I think," you grinned nervously, "I gotta go."

"Have a good time, okay? Tell me all about it! I'm so excited for you," she blew you a kiss before dropping the call. 

You made sure that your curling iron was off and switched off the light in your bedroom before racing to the front door. Hand on a handle, you took a deep breath to calm you down before opening it. 

"There's my princess," Joshua grinned his dashing smile, clutching a bouquet of flowers.

"You remembered," a shy smile took over your face with his greeting. 

You had gone on a million dates with the guy in front of you, but you would still get nervous each time. You had gone on a million dates with Joshua, and each time you opened the door, he would croon the same line and same endearment, usually alongside offering flowers. 

"Chrysanthemums, gardenias and baby's breath," he chanted as he looked down at the bouquet of flowers before offering it to you. 

One summer when you were young teenagers, you and Joshua learned the language of flowers and since then, he had always given you flowers with the right meanings.

"Do you still remember what they mean?" you asked curiously as you took it and slipped out of the apartment. You saw flowers as accessories - carrying them around with you made your outfit look so sweet and romantic.

"Chrysanthemums symbolise longevity, optimism, joy and fidelity. White gardenias are trust, hope, renewal, innocence and new beginnings. Baby's breaths for innocence and everlasting love," as casual as he spoke, Joshua slipped his fingers between yours as you walked to the elevator. It had made you jump slightly, but you quickly relaxed in his grasp. Holding hands was always one of his favourite forms of physical touch.

"Ever the romantic," you quipped, smiling at his gift, "Thank you, Jisoo. They're beautiful."

He held in any flirtatious rebuttals that threatened to spill past his lips and instead smiled softly at you, taking in your beauty that was only inches away from him instead of 6000 miles. You took the elevator to the basement garage, where Joshua had parked his car close to the elevator. 

"No way," you stifled a laugh as he unlocked his car and the lights flashed, "Are you serious?"

Joshua pouted, opening the door for you as he stroked the side of the car, "What? She's my baby!"

"A Ferrari? Hong Jisoo, who are you?" 

He got into the driver's side, rolling his eyes, "She's beautiful. You know I've always wanted a sports car and I could afford it."

"Fine, I guess it goes with your hot eligible bachelor at 25 image," you were still giggling as he pulled out of the garage.

"I am hot and 25, but I am certainly not eligible," his eyes were focused on the road, "I never have been."

"Are you telling me you haven't dated anyone in the past 7 years?"

"Nope, didn't have time," he admitted, "Well, not really since the others date, but I just didn't want to. What about you?"

"Yoona would set me up on a million dates and try to wing-woman me at downtown bars on Friday nights, but never a second date. She said all I ever did was compare them to you," you sighed.

"Me too. I was always looking for you in other people, and that was just not healthy. Eventually, I just stopped going on dates," Joshua said, "Were you lonely?"

"Jesus, Joshua. I thought we were going on a date, not having a therapy session!" you exclaimed at the sombre question, "But I guess so. I guessed I just never stopped missing you."

Joshua hummed in unspoken agreement and left you to hum along to the song on the radio while peering up at the city lights illuminating the streets. Eventually, he turned into a street and told you that you were there. He parked at a nearby garage and opened the door for you with an offering hand. You grasped his hand securely and he led the way to the fanciest BBQ restaurant you had ever seen. Usually, K-BBQ restaurants had a chilled vibe with colleagues gathering around long tables with bottles of beer and couples having relaxed dates by the windows. This one was dripping in opulence with people drinking wine out of long-stemmed glasses as they grilled high-quality meat.

"2 for Hong," Joshua said quietly to the maitre d'. Masks covered both of your faces, to his request, in case anyone recognised you on the streets.

"Right this way, Mr Hong," the maitre d' gave you a smile to acknowledge your presence as he led you along the side wall of the restaurant to another extension of the restaurant, which appeared as a long hallway with numerous sliding bamboo doors on each side. You were taken to a private room with a large table, but only two seats facing each other. The waiter set down a menu in front of each of you, before instructing you how to order the food to come to the room and promptly leaving.

"Idols must know the best private places to take their dates," you chuckled at the idea.

"I asked Cheol and Jeonghan. Those two are lucky since they can go on as many dinners in public as they want without it being too suspicious, but they said this was a good private place," Joshua's eyes scanned the menu, "And I remember you said when we were young that you want to do Korean barbecue in Korea because it was so stupid but so traditional."

"I did say that, huh?" you recalled fondly on the memory of you and Joshua exploring Korea on Google Maps and planning out a trip that you never ended up going on, because he moved there instead, "You have a very good memory, Hong Jisoo."

"And I remember everything else you said you wanted to do," Joshua smiled softly, "I promise I'll take you to Namsan Tower with a padlock with our names on it on the first snowfall of the season. You'll just have to stay with me until then."

Pink was the new favourite colour of your cheeks, "Don't make promises you can't keep, Joshua. It's only spring."

"I'm going to keep that one, Y/N. I promise," you've never heard sincerity like that. It made your heart leap bounds and miles, but as always, you were the more realistic one. For now, you kept your optimism and hoped alongside him that that would happen one day. 

The two of you ordered the fanciest meats on the menu, to his insistence and a bottle of red wine that Joshua insisted tasted amazing. Apparently, he had been educated on wine due to spending a lot of time with his band member Minghao going to wine tastings in fancy vineyards. 

The two of you engaged in light-hearted conversation, mainly reminiscing about your high school days together and the antics of your friendship group. You then told him the funny stories from your time at college in your home town and all the new friends you made, while he told you tales from the green practice room and all about his members who he grew to love as siblings. Joshua had been an only child and had always wanted siblings, but thanks to his path in life, he had gained 12. He told you how much of a handful they were at times, but also how caring and thoughtful they were and how they all showed him love in different ways. 

"Did you have a good time?" At the end of the night, Joshua was stood on the other side of the threshold, loosely holding your hand and playing with your fingers.

"I had the best time, Shua," you said sincerely, holding the bouquet with your free arm, "We should do it again sometime."

Joshua smirked, "Asking me out on a second date already, Y/N? You must really like me."

"What can I say? My date was very charming," you flirted back, "Very handsome too. And he has a Ferrari."

A chuckle erupted from his throat as he leaned his body over closer to you, "He sounds like a bad boy with a Ferrari. Or do you prefer gentlemen?"

You don't know if it was all that wine talking, or his familiar scent invading your nasal cavity and intoxicating you, but you boldly stepped closer to him, feet on the threshold of your door and eyes flickering between his plush lips and his darkening eyes, "I don't care, as long as it's you."

Joshua seemed to quickly catch onto your signals, tongue darting out and coating the surface of his lips as he pulled his head even closer, squashing all the distance away. It seemed like he was tempting you to make the first move.

"Are you going to kiss me, Hong?"

Joshua smirked valiantly, snaking his arms around your waist, pulling you flush against his chest and connecting your lips for the first time in 7 years. 

- 

Jihoon knocked on your studio door, a knowing smile already on his face as you opened it, "Morning Y/N."

"Jihoon! Why are you here at 9 am sharp?"

Jihoon crossed his arms, "Because we have a 9 am dance practice."

"And?"

"And Joshua did not leave the dorm with Coups and Myungho. And they said they knocked on his door before they left and no one answered and no one was inside."

You held back a laugh, "What's that go to do with me?"

"Well, we all knew that Shua was going on his very first date in years last night," Jihoon continued, "So he either left the dorms incredibly early or didn't even come back home last night. I thought you'd know something about that."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," you huffed playfully, avoiding his gaze, "Maybe you should try texting him."

"Oh, Jihoon. What are you doing here?" with his perfect timing, Joshua appeared behind Jihoon, carrying two coffee cups and handing one to you, "Why aren't you in the practice room?"

"Because you're not and they sent me to hunt for you," Jihoon deadpanned, "Yesterday's clothes? Really, Shua?"

Joshua rolled his eyes, "I told Jeonghan to bring me spare clothes."

"Well Jeonghan hasn't arrived yet, and you didn't tell anyone else where you disappeared to!" Jihoon rebutted, "Now hurry up."

Joshua barged past his bandmate to reach your side. You handed him his coat that was folded on your couch and sent him a loving smile as you took a sip from your usual coffee, "I'll see you later, princess."

Jihoon made vomiting noises behind the two of you as Joshua planted a kiss on your cheek that left you flustered and giggling. He tugged the lovestruck boy by the sleeve, urging him to leave so they could start their practice.

"See you guys later. Always nice to see you, Jihoon!"

-

SEPTEMBER, 2021 - SEOUL

Yoona screeched as she spotted you at the end of the arrivals walkway. She immediately began jogging, abandoning her bags beside you as she pulled you into a tight hug.

"I missed you so much, you have no idea," she murmured into your neck.

"It's only been 4 months since I left, Yoona," you reminded her, "But I still missed you so much too."

"But spring ended and summer came and went! We have so much to catch up on," Yoona sighed, "But I have a surprise for you!"

"A surprise?"

Yoona beckoned over two women who were wearing masks and sunglasses, and performed jazz hands, "Am I not the best friend ever?"

The two ladies in disguise stripped off their costumes, only to reveal two of the most important mothers in your life, "Eomma? Mrs Hong? You're in Korea!"

Your mother squealed and wrapped you up in a tight hug before passing you over to Joshua's mother who called you out, "You can call me sieomeoni again, apparently. I heard from a little bird that you've reconciled with my son. How could you two keep that from us for so long! So many months of wedding planning lost."

Your mother chuckled, nudging you in the side, "As if we ever stopped planning their wedding over our lunch dates. Anyway, did you really think we were gonna miss our favourite adopted child's wedding?"

Yoona smiled innocently, twiddling with her bags, "It was a long flight, Y/N. They prodded it out of me!"

Your best friend of 11 years was about to get married. She had been planning two weddings of similar importance, until she came to the epiphany of having an initial large wedding in Korea instead, followed by a small gathering of close friends in Los Angeles, since most of her family and her fiancee's family were still in Korea and their immediate family were willing to travel. Yoona's fiancee had reached Korea earlier to deal with some logistical sides to the wedding.

"Of course, we weren't gonna miss our Yoona's wedding," Mrs Hong said as the four of you began to walk to the exit, "Plus, it gave me an excuse to come to Korea again and see my son after a year and a half."

"What about appa? And Mr Hong?" you queried.

Your mother rolled her eyes light-heartedly, "Oh please. They are having the time of their lives on the little fishing trip we sent them on. Found all the Korean uncles a little cabin by a lake and suggested they make a whole trip out of it. They're delighted."

You laughed, leaning into your mother's side affectionately and smiling at your best friend and Mrs Hong, "Does Joshua know you're coming, sieomeoni?"

"No," she revealed, "Does he have any plans tonight? I was thinking we go out to eat and we can surprise him there!"

"Well, we were going out for dinner with Yoona so this is perfect! We're going to a restaurant with a private room so even better for reunions. Maybe I'll pick you guys up and we get there first and then I'll make sure Shua comes after us?"

"He's going to be so happy, Y/N," his mother sighed. 

Joshua had always been a mother's boy and you knew how much it hurt him to move away from his parents in the first place. That boy had begged and begged for them to move with him, but his parents had set their roots in Los Angeles already and couldn't imagine moving back until they retired. It even hurt him to keep your reunion a secret from his mom, who would have been so thrilled to know, but the two of you wanted to take things slow and it had been just over 3 months of bliss. 

You loaded their suitcases into the back of your large car that you bought recently. Having a car was definitely an advantage in the city; it felt like you had more freedom. It was also better for your day-trip car rides with Joshua since his Ferrari got a bit cramped sometimes. 

The drive to Seoul from Incheon was spent catching up on their travel day and complaining about the busy airports. Before you knew it, you were already dropping them off to their hotel and heading back to your studio in the Hybe building, where you found Joshua napping on your couch.

The sound of your door opening and closing woke him up and he flashed you a sweet, sleepy smile, "Hey, practice ended early so I waited here for you. How's Yoona?"

"She's great. Excited about her wedding in a week, of course. I was thinking we take separate cars to dinner though? Yoona wants me to get ready with her at her hotel for old time's sake," you feigned. 

"Aw, that's sweet. Of course. We can just meet at the restaurant. If you get there first, the booking is under my name!" 

You did end up getting ready with your best friend, catching her up with your new relationship while she told you everything else she got up to while you were away and new wedding details.

"I can't believe you're getting married already, Yoona," you sighed, watching from the bed as your best friend curled her hair.

"I know right? Sucks though because I lost a bet from high school to Jaeseok on who'd get married first. He was the only one that said me!"

"You were in on the bet too? Why am I the only one who didn't know about the bet?" you exclaimed. 

"Everyone was in on it," she shrugged, "All of us bet on you and Joshua though, so we all lost. I don't know why Jaeseok picked me. He probably thought I'd elope with a stranger in Vegas."

"No, he picked you because on Powerpoint night at my house, you did yours on the plans for your future wedding, while I ranked the Barbie movies and Joshua told us the history of Super Junior," you deadpanned, "Anyways, it's too early to be thinking about marriage for me."

Yoona scoffed, "If Joshua got down on one knee tonight, you'd say yes. If Joshua randomly dropped by your college dorm all those years you were broken up and turned up with a ring, you would have said yes. You've been in love with him since you were a kid, so just pretend those 7 years didn't happen!"

"I wouldn't say yes!" you defended even though it was a complete lie, "Plus, he's an idol. Marriage is not in his cards, right now."

"You never know, Y/N," she hummed, "Chen from Exo announced out of the blue last year that he was getting married, with a child on the way. Joshua is smitten with you, absolutely besotted. You two have been picturing you growing old together since before you even actually grew up!"

You rolled your eyes, heart fluttering at the thought of the house on the coast that the two of you always envisioned, "Let's get you married first before we start talking about me. Come on, we're going to be late for dinner."

With the mothers in the back of the car and your best friend in the passenger seat, you found yourself at the front of the restaurant quickly. You had already called ahead under his name to change to a larger room with 5 seats and convinced them to not double-check with Joshua, since he was the one to make the reservation, so you were confident the plan would go well. 

Indeed, you arrived before him and had already ordered food for the table when Joshua eventually showed up. He had texted you that he pulled up to parking, so you waited outside the room for him.

"You look very dashing," you lifted yourself up to press a kiss to his jaw, "Yoona has a surprise for you?"

Before he could say anything, you opened the door and let his eyes scan the room before he came to the realisation. He made a choking noise as he ran over to his mother, engulfing her in a tight hug, "Eomma! What are you doing here?"

"I thought it'd be nice to attend Yoona's wedding here in Korea and see you again, of course," his mother murmured against his shoulder. Joshua was sniffling, and that made your heart so happy. 

He quickly hugged your best friend, thanking her for the idea, before turning to your mother, "Jangmonim! It's been so long!"

"You grew up so well, Jisoo," your mother grinned, "What a handsome boy you are now. You've always been. Thank you for keeping my daughter company in this big new city."

Joshua looked over at you, fondness in his eyes, "It was always my pleasure."

- 

After the dinner and the day after you spent alone with your best friend, you didn't see Yoona often. She was busy finalising all the details of the ceremony and conducting all the many pre-wedding traditions with her family and the groom's family. Instead, you spent them with your mother and Joshua's mother when you would get off work. While you were at work, the two best friends would explore Seoul in their most touristy get-ups. 

More often than not, Joshua would join the three of you in the evening after getting emergency special permission from his company to have evenings off. He hadn't known his mother was coming, but he wanted to spend as much time with all of you. 

You spent the evenings restaurant-hopping around Seoul and talking about your new job. You had fully settled in now and you had started writing and producing songs for the artists, instead of just helping to edit and finalise already-written tracks. You hadn't worked with Seventeen yet, since they already had such great producers in Universe Factory and there was a little conflict of interest, but Joshua was desperate to work with you again. 'For old time's sake' he would say with a pleading smile.

It eventually reached the day of your best friend's wedding and you had helped to get her ready in the morning. Although you were taking Joshua as your date, you wanted to be at the side of your best friend before you sent her off to her new life. She was nervous, obviously, but so excited to be married to the love of her life. You found yourself thinking how it'd be nice to do that too. 

Her pristine hanbok glimmered in the pictures that you took with her in her private reception room to greet the guests. You had been the first to pay her a visit, leaving with an encouraging smile before you entered the ceremony hall where the groom was greeting other guests. 

Joshua was by your side, holding your hand and smiling gently as he watched your mothers take a seat in the second row on the bride's side, "It's beautiful."

Joshua took a seat beside his mother as you took the aisle seat. Joshua's mother leaned over him, "Y/N, dear, you want to have a Korean wedding too, right?"

Joshua groaned quietly, nudging his mother to stop, but you just laughed, "Yes, sieomeoni. A big wedding in Korea and a big wedding in Los Angeles."

Joshua flashed you a bashful smile and squeezed your hand, a somewhat of a silent promise. 

The ceremony eventually started and you would be lying if you said you didn't cry when Yoona and her husband drank their separate wines before it was mixed and they drank their unified wine again. The way they bowed to their parents was beautiful and the union of their family was so happy. 

After the short ceremony, you had rushed to her side, hugging her affectionately and wailing at how beautiful their vows and ceremony were.

"Now that I'm married, we can talk about yours right?"

- 

OCTOBER, 2021 - SEOUL

Joshua was lying on his stomach on your bed, opening up your laptop to search for a movie to watch together. You had just walked in, hair still wet and in the process of being dried, adorned in his shirt and sleep shorts.

"What's this folder, Y/N?" Joshua called over.

"Don't snoop, nosy," you scolded playfully before leaning over his shoulder to see what he was about to click, "No! Don't open that!'

It was apparently too late since he had double-clicked on the folder already, that opened up to a list of 10 audio files. 

"Are these songs? Can I listen? You never let me listen to your songs anymore," Joshua said excitedly, ending with a pout.

"You can listen to my stuff. Just not these ones," you sighed.

"Why?" his eyes glinted mischievously before he realised, "Oh, are they all about me? Why is the folder called 'for you'? Is 'you' me?"

"I call this folder 'Songs about Joshua Hong, my first heartbreak'."

Joshua beckoned you over, wrapping his strong arms around you, "I'm sorry for breaking your heart. I have no intention to ever do that again."

"I'd let you listen to these songs, but it might involve a lot of tears," you warn him, "Actually, I just finished a song that would be the perfect conclusion to this album - a happy ending, if you will."

"Oh yeah? What's that one called? But we can start slow. What's your favourite song from all these?"

"The new song's called 'Every summertime'," you pressed a kiss to his lips, "You'd love it. I'll let you hear that one, but my favourite one is probably the saddest; I tried to write it as a closure song, so it's about you leaving and me letting you go, but it's very sad."

"We can start with that one," Joshua stroked your cheek softly, "But it won't be sad, since we know the ending."

You exhale nervously, taking over the mouse pad to click the last song, curling up closer to your lover who played with your damp hair. That always calmed you down. 

"Saturday sunset, we're lyin' on my bed, with five hours to go. Fingers entwined and so were our minds cryin', "I don't want you to go". You wiped away tears but not fears under the still and clear indigo. You said, "Baby, don't cry, we'll be fine. You're the one thing I swear I can't outgrow""

Joshua's breath hitched at the memory of all the words he had said to you over the years. That day in his bedroom as you counted down the hours until he had to leave was one of the worst times in his life. Sure, you continued your relationship for nearly a year after, but it was never the same after he left. 

By the end of it, silent tears were pouring out of his eyes and yours alike as he pulled you up to sit up and meet his level, "One, you're incredibly talented. I love being able to see what comes of that smart brain of yours. Two, I'm sorry for all the hurt I caused you over the years," he planted a kiss on your lips with every statement, "Three, I never want to hear you say you're letting go of me. I'm here forever this time around, okay?"

You caught his lips on the final peck and hooked your arms around his neck, "Okay," you murmured against his lips, "You better be, because I don't plan on letting you go again either, Hong Jisoo."

He pulled away for a split second, "I love you, Y/N. I always will."

"I know," you smile softly, eyes lost in his and unfocused on the way the Seoul sunset lit up your room in orange and pink, "And I love you, Jisoo."

-

NOVEMBER 10, 2021 - SEOUL 

Joshua's gloved hand squeezed yours in his pocket as he led you up the stairs. The two of you were bundled up in scarves, hats and gloves while sharing your earphones and listening to IU's sweet voice serenade you. 

The view at the top of the tower was spectacular, showing you the landscape of the entire city before your eyes. You had lived in the city for over 5 months, yet you were still to visit one of the city's most famous attractions, only due to your persistent boyfriend.

"So, when's the snow going to fall?" you said teasingly to your boyfriend, "You're such a romantic."

"Shh, Y/N- that's part of the surprise!" he dismissed.

"It would have been a surprise if you didn't keep stopping me coming here, saying you'd only take me on the day of the first snow," you reminded him.

"This was your bucket list goal, so don't blame me for ruining the surprise," Joshua huffed playfully, "We're going to wait for the snow up here, and then when we get down, we can lock our padlock somewhere."

He took out the padlock from his other pocket, showing you the side with your initials etched and marked on. Your heart swooned, "Thank you, Shua."

Joshua's eyes softened as he pulled you closer. It was incredibly cold on the ground of the mountain, and it was even colder 239m up. He wrapped his arms around you and peppered kisses on the crown of your head.

You were both thinking the same thing- how lucky the two of you were to be given a second chance and for it to work out. Joshua Hong had always been your perfect person, perfect time; you just happened to be blessed twice with the opportunity of having the giddy, honeymoon start of the relationship.

"The snow's falling," Joshua whispered, pulling you away so you could look into his eyes, "Make a wish, princess."

You watched as a few flakes settled on the tips of his nose before melting away before you closed your eyes. It was easy; you had been making the same wish since you were 13..

"I love you, Y/N," he scrunched up his nose, pecking your lips, "Remember when I said you get everything you want if you're brave and take chances?"

"Mhm?"

"I don't have a ring, but marry me, Y/N."

You peered up at him in shock, only to find his eyes full of certainty and love, "Really? Is that an actual proposal?"

"Depends if you say yes," he teased.

You chuckled, and the smile that followed after would soon be embedded in your brain and etched in your heart, "Of course, I'll marry you."

- 

[FOR YOU; SONGS ABOUT JOSHUA HONG, MY FIRST HEARTBREAK]

1. Take A Chance With Me - written at 14, at the start of freshman year; confessing your feelings for your childhood and middle school best friend. Joshua played it accidentally when snooping on your producing software while you were setting the table downstairs for dinner.

"His kiss you'd kill for, just one and you're done for. Electricity surging in the air ; he drives me crazy. It's so beyond me how he'd look me dead in the eye. Stay unaware that I'm hopelessly captivated by a boy who thinks love's overrated."

-

2. Move! - written at 17, trying out something new with your sound, and of course it was going to be about your loving boyfriend at the time

"There's something in the water that makes me love you harder."

-

3. Around - written at 18, before Joshua moved away; a love song to your boyfriend who you never wanted to lose.

"Darling, we don't ever have to pretend, who knows what or who we choose. Right now I've nothing to lose; you love me, I love you."

-

4. Before - written at 18, while Joshua was away in Seoul and you were in your hometown, having to pretend everything was okay. You visited him once in Seoul for three days, never meeting his trainee-friends. He didn't have a new lover, just a new career. You hated having to pretend everything was okay.

"You were all I'd ever known. And now I'm supposed to love you from a distance, like it's nothing, like it's instant and you say, "Let's just see where this goes" and I don't know how or why you seem just fine cause I'm having to grasp that you're somehow not mine anymore. It's so cruel how things are only almost like they were before."

-

5. Lullaby - written at 19, the first song you wrote after you broke up, a song professing how much you missed him and how much you hated that you did.

"My heart was high off you. Am I deranged to miss you? After the way you left my heart blue and bruised - lingering scents of roses and smoke and love and hope and two adventurous souls."

-

6. Polaroid Boy - written at 19, fresh off your breakup with Joshua, angry that the relationship ended and hurt that he was everywhere around your room in the form of tiny polaroids.

"You'll forever be the boy in my polaroids. You'll forever be the reason why I am void. You'll forever be my first love. And the reason why nobody else ever seems enough."

-

7. Vintage - written at 20, a year after breaking up with Joshua after a dream you reconciled when he came back to Los Angeles. Made a great song, but just left you heartbroken when you realised he wasn't coming back.

"Speak of the devil, my, oh my, walkin' with that devilish smile. That's one thing I haven't seen in a while. How have you been since I called you mine? You look so good in this light, got me reminiscin' 'bout our good times."

-

8. Odds - written at 20, a song being angry about how you weren't in the universe's favour. Joshua had no exes other than you, but you had to get creative.

"And yet my world remains the whole of you to this day. Doesn't matter what my location says. I'm always tryna get to you..."

-

9. Anaheim - written at 18, finished at 22, a song about wanting to go back in time with someone you had a great relationship with. Finished in your favourite café in Anaheim, after a drive that you spent reminiscing about your relationship. Started during your year-long long-distance relationship when he tried to make it work, and you saw that it wasn't working.

"I could spend my days studying your laugh's melody. And I can live with myself 'cause I know the composer's me. Babe, all I ask of you is please don't sleep on the bed of promises I can't keep."

-

10. Oceans and Engines - written at 24, the last song you wrote and finished about Joshua. The rawest and most honest song that had ever come from your heart. Heard by no one. Your closure song, except it never gave you any closure.

"Saturday sunset, we're lyin' on my bed, with five hours to go. Fingers entwined and so were our minds cryin', "I don't want you to go". You wiped away tears but not fears under the still and clear indigo. You said, "Baby, don't cry, we'll be fine. You're the one thing I swear I can't outgrow""

-

[NEW ENTRY!]

11. Every Summertime - written at 25, on the beach as Joshua napped on the sun bed next to yours by the sea. A perfect happy ending to your story.

Part one Y/n and Spencer face the aftermath of their tryst.

Part two Spencer’s late-night endeavor is teased by his colleagues as a new case arises.

Part three She gets involved in a murder case she least expected as a familiar face greets her.

Part four Y/n and Spencer’s unexpected reunion ends in a quarrel.

Part five NSFW Spencer’s lack of experience with female anatomy is educated by her.

Part six NSFW She is taken aback as the student becomes the master.

Part seven She finds herself in a compromising position.

Part eight NSFW Spencer and Y/n get caught up in their newfound bliss.

Part nine A shocking call has Spencer questioning her involvement in the case.

Part ten She finds herself as a pivotal lead in the case.

Part Eleven Her involvement in the case becomes more crucial than she lets on.

Part Twelve Spencer gets closer to the truth while she feels suffocated by her situation.

Part Thirteen NSFW Seeking pleasure leads them down an unforeseen path.

Part Fourteen Spencer and the team face a setback in the investigation.

Part Fifteen Spencer is determined to find her whereabouts.

Part Sixteen Spencer is faced with a dangerous confrontation.

Part Seventeen Spencer and Y/n try to outsmart the situation.

Part Eighteen Spencer and Y/n resolve their feelings.

Part Nineteen NSFW Spencer finally takes her out on a date.

Part Twenty NSFW Despite everything, she found herself feeling happy.

"Give me five more minutes!"

"We're already five minutes late!"

"And whose fault is that?" she retorted, a playful smirk dancing on her lips.

She could almost imagine the incredulous expression on his face from the other room as he responded, "Mine? Really?"

"Who insisted on spending this afternoon watching a documentary about the wonders of deep-sea exploration?" she teased.

"In my defense, it was fascinating," was his immediate reply. "Did you know there are creatures down there that look like they're from another planet?"

"I know, Spencer, we watched it together, remember?"

"You fell asleep halfway through it."

"Well, in my defense—" She paused, struggling with the zipper of her dress. "You were really warm."

His laughter resonated from the other room. "So it's my fault you're taking forever to get ready now?"

"Absolutely, it's a cause-and-effect scenario," she replied, her arms stretching behind her in an attempt to reach the stubborn zipper. A sudden strain and a high-pitched groan escaped her lips. "Ouch!"

His concerned footsteps approached and he appeared at the bathroom doorway. "What's wrong?"

She winced, rubbing the sore spot on her back. "I strained my muscles trying to zip up this dress."

He raised an eyebrow. "Need a hand?"

She shot him a mock glare. "Are you insinuating I can't handle a zipper?"

He held up his hands in surrender. "Of course not. But if we want to make it to Rossi's place on time, maybe a little help won't hurt."

She glanced at him from the mirror as his gaze lingered on her dress, tracing the contours that hugged her figure. She noticed the subtle appreciation in his eyes, a silent acknowledgment of the effect the outfit had on him. A playful smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she sighed in mock defeat.

"Fine, but no funny business."

He slowly approached her, gently taking the zipper in his fingers. "No funny business."

She felt his presence as he settled behind her, the air carrying a subtle warmth that seemed to dance across her skin. Instead of immediately tending to the zipper, his fingers, gentle and deliberate, traced a tantalizing path along the exposed skin of her back. His eyes met hers in the mirror, and for a brief moment, time seemed to slow.

"Spence," she breathed out, the name carrying a subtle plea for him to continue or to stop—she wasn't entirely sure which.

"Hmm?"

"I thought we were late."

He smiled, the corners of his lips lifting in a playful yet knowing expression. He held her gaze as he leaned closer to her, brushing a feather-like kiss on her shoulder.

"I believe we can spare a few more minutes," he replied, the timbre of his voice holding a warmth that echoed through the space between them.

She couldn't suppress the smile that tugged at her lips. "And what, may I ask, do you plan to do with these 'few more minutes'?"

His lips lingered on her shoulder for a moment longer before he pulled back, still maintaining their proximity. "Well, I was thinking of using them to properly appreciate how beautiful you look tonight."

Her cheeks flushed with a combination of flattery and playful embarrassment. "Very smooth."

She could feel the warmth of his breath on her skin as he spoke, and a teasing glint sparkled in his eyes. "After all, punctuality can sometimes be overrated, don't you think?"

She chuckled. "Coming from someone who likes to be punctual."

"Maybe I've learned a thing or two from you." His fingers traced a gentle pattern on her exposed back, and he murmured, "Besides, Rossi wouldn't mind. We have more important matters to attend to."

She arched an eyebrow, a playful smile on her lips. "And what might that be, Dr. Reid?"

He pushed the strap of her dress down her shoulder, his touch gentle yet filled with a subtle urgency. His fingers traced a delicate path along her skin, leaving a tingling sensation in their wake.

"You," he whispered, his voice a low murmur that sent shivers down her spine.

As his lips met the exposed curve of her shoulder, a soft sigh escaped her. "Baby... are you really trying to have sex right now?"

"Why wait when the opportunity presents itself?"

She couldn't help but laugh at his sudden change of mind. "You're impossible, you know that?"

He grinned, a boyish charm lighting up his features. "Guilty as charged."

Before she could respond, he dipped his head and sucked on a spot right below her ear. She breathed out a moan and leaned back into him, giving him better access. When she felt him tug down her dress impatiently, her rational thoughts flew out the window.

"Fine," she agreed, letting her dress fall around her feet. "But make it quick."

As if to answer her challenge, he scooped her up in his arms with unexpected strength. Her laughter mixed with a surprised gasp as he carried her towards the bedroom, his lips finding hers in a hungry kiss. Quick was a concept they never quite understood when it came to their sexual needs, but maybe they could entertain the idea, starting from now.

They were an hour late.

Fifty-six minutes, according to Spencer, because apparently, he measured the exact time it took for them to arrive at Rossi's house.

Although calling his place a house seemed like a mockery considering how big the property was. It was more like a mansion, and even when Spencer had taken her here a few times ever since the early stages of their relationship, Rossi's place never seemed to seize her amazement.

The host of the night didn't even bat an eyelash when they arrived, he didn't mind their tardiness. The other team members, however, couldn't resist making comments about the couple's late arrival, and the teasing became even more persistent when the girls cornered her at one point in the night.

Penelope raised an eyebrow with an impish grin. "What took you two so long?"

She wasn't sure how to answer the question. Should she just be honest and tell her she was being fucked in different positions? Penelope didn't seem to be the type to judge, granted, the first time she was introduced to her, the perky blonde woman didn't have much filter on her mouth to begin with. But she also didn't want to discuss her sex life with her boyfriend's colleagues.

She contemplated her response, weighing the balance between honesty and maintaining privacy. Penelope's inquisitive gaze lingered, and she decided on a response that offered some truth without delving into the details.

"We lost track of time," she replied instead, keeping it intentionally vague.

Emily leaned in, a smirk playing on her lips. "Is that so?"

She laughed, her cheeks flushing even more. "It's not what you think."

JJ joined in the teasing, "Well, someone is glowing tonight. I hope you at least have a good excuse for being fashionably late."

"Actually, we were discussing the intricacies of deep-sea exploration."

The girls exchanged amused glances, and Penelope quirked an eyebrow. "Deep-sea exploration, huh? Is that the code for something?"

She laughed. "It's about a documentary."

They exchanged a knowing look, clearly unconvinced by her vague explanation. Despite the embarrassment, she couldn't deny the warmth that spread within her. It was a strange yet comforting feeling, knowing that they had something special that others could only speculate about. When Penelope and Emily left to refill their drinks, JJ leaned in closer to her.

"We're sorry," she insisted. "Spencer never had a serious relationship before, we couldn't stop teasing."

She smiled appreciatively at JJ's sincerity. "No harm done. I understand it comes with the territory, especially with Spencer."

JJ smiled, her expression softening. "Just wanted to make sure you're okay with it."

"I can handle a bit of teasing. Besides, it's all in good fun, right?"

JJ nodded, a friendly smile on her face. "Absolutely. He's a great guy, and we're just happy to see him happy."

She followed JJ's gaze, watching Spencer engage with the kids. His eyes lit up with childlike excitement as he performed a silly magic trick, and the children erupted into giggles. The older child, who initially seemed to act as if he was at a big boy age, now wore a huge grin and eagerly urged Spencer to perform another trick.

She couldn't help but smile as she witnessed his effortless connection with them. It was a sight that made her heart swell with affection. A year ago, she could only dream of such moments. The happiness that Spencer brought into her life was beyond her wildest expectations. Not only was she in a happy and steady relationship, she was welcomed into his world.

The memory of visiting Spencer's mother, a year prior, resonated in her thoughts. Witnessing his patience and tenderness with his mom had moved her to tears. It was a moment that spoke volumes about the depth of their connection and the kindness embedded in his character.

Now, a year later, even when she had interacted with his teammates before, she couldn't help but feel a surge of gratitude. Their presence made her feel as if she was embraced as an additional family member to this tight-knit group. The realization touched her deeply, and her eyes lingered on Spencer with so much affection, reaching a point where her heart felt like it was on the verge of bursting.

"He's really good with kids," JJ suddenly said, bringing her back to reality.

She smiled, a warm feeling coursing through her. "Yeah, he is. It's amazing to watch."

JJ nodded, a knowing smile playing on her lips. "Have you ever thought of having your own?"

The question hung in the air, and she took a moment to consider it. The idea of starting a family with Spencer had crossed her mind, but discussing it with someone else made it feel more tangible, more real. She took a moment, her gaze drifting back to Spencer, still enchanting the kids with his magic tricks.

"I... I think about it sometimes," she admitted, her voice soft.

JJ's smile widened, and there was a glint of genuine happiness in her eyes. "You two would make wonderful parents."

The compliment warmed her heart. The thought of a family with Spencer, navigating the joys and challenges of parenthood together, painted a vivid and hopeful picture in her mind. Yet, it was also a conversation they hadn't explicitly delved into.

She looked back at Spencer, his laughter mingling with the children's joy, creating a symphony of happiness. The idea of sharing these moments with their own children felt like a dream she hadn't dared to fully embrace. His gaze suddenly met hers and he waved in response.

JJ leaned in, her voice softer. "Whenever you're ready for it, just know you have a whole team here ready to support you both."

A mix of emotions swirled within her. Spencer, seemingly sensing her emotional state, excused himself from the impromptu magic show and approached them.

"Everything okay?" he asked, his brows furrowed with concern.

JJ gave her a knowing look before patting Spencer on the back. "Just sharing some girl talk, don't worry."

He quirked an eyebrow but didn't press further. JJ slowly excused herself and now that they were alone again, he pulled her closer to him, wrapping an arm around her waist. "Are you sure you're okay?"

She leaned into his comforting embrace, a small smile playing on her lips. "Yeah, I'm more than okay." Her eyes then trailed over to JJ and her kids again. "They seem to adore you."

He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling with genuine happiness. "Well, I adore them too."

A comfortable silence settled between them. She wasn't sure it was the right moment to have this discussion, but she found herself voicing her curiosity, even when her heart was beating fast. "Have you ever thought of... having kids?"

Spencer's gaze softened as he considered the question and she waited with bated breath for his reply.

"I used to, but then I've always been focused on my work and solving cases." He paused, his fingers gently tracing circles on her back. "Although lately, I find myself thinking about it more, especially with you."

She let out a breath she wasn't aware of holding. "With me?"

"Who else would I be thinking of having a family with?"

She couldn't help but smile at his response, a warmth blooming in her chest. "Fair point."

His thumb continued its gentle movements on her back. "The idea of creating a home together, it—” he let out a sigh. “It sounds like a dream."

Her heart skipped a beat. "It does, doesn't it?"

"Yeah," he said, a soft smile playing on his lips. "It really does."

They stood there, wrapped in the warmth of shared dreams and the quiet excitement of the future. But then her smile faltered, a subtle cloud of worry casting a shadow on her face. Spencer sensed the shift and gently tugged her. "What's wrong?"

Her eyes reflected a hint of concern. "I... I haven't had my period this month."

His own brows furrowed as he performed a quick calculation in his head. "Of course, you haven't, you're due—" his words trailed off as his gaze met hers. "...two weeks ago."

She wasn't sure which one was more surprising—his knowledge of her menstrual cycle or the fact that she was two weeks late. The weight of the situation settled in, and just as anxiety started to swell within her, Spencer's face transformed into a wide grin.

"Oh my god," she gasped. "Spence—I... what if...?"

His grin widened, eyes filled with a mix of excitement and joy. "What if we're going to be parents?"

She threw him a ludicrous look. "How are you not panicking?"

He laughed. "Didn't we discuss how great it would be to start a family?"

"Well, sure, somewhere in the future, not now."

He led her away from the festive atmosphere surrounding them to a quieter area out on the back porch. When they were finally alone, he stood in front of her, making sure his body was shielding her distraught face.

"Hey," he said gently, cupping her face in his hands, "This could be a wonderful surprise. We just talked about it, right?"

She nodded, but uncertainty still lingered in her eyes. "Yeah, but it's so sudden. I didn't expect it to happen a minute later after we discussed it. What if we're not ready? What if—"

"No one is ever fully ready for a significant change, but we have each other, and we'll figure it out,” he cut in, his thumbs caressing her cheeks.

She took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. "But... w-what if I'm not a good mom?"

His gaze softened, and he cradled her face in his hands. "Are you kidding? You'll be an amazing mom. I've seen the kindness, strength, and love in you. Those are the qualities that make a great parent."

Her heart swelled at his words. She sniffled, a small smile breaking through. "You really think so?"

"I know so," he affirmed, pressing a gentle kiss to her forehead.

A sense of calm washed over her as she absorbed his words, holding him closer. It was scary, yet nothing was certain yet, and there was no use in her worrying. He gently wiped away a tear she wasn't even aware of.

"We'll take it one step at a time. And no matter what happens, we have each other and a lot of people who care about us."

Her eyes traveled towards the group of people behind the glass window. The same people who had saved her life, the people who took care of her, the people who embraced her with open arms.

She slowly nodded, feeling a mix of emotions—fear, excitement, and so much affection. "Okay," she whispered.

"You know I love you, right?"

She softly smiled, a tender warmth enveloping her. Her thoughts traveled to the first time he confessed his love for her, remembering how flustered and embarrassed he had been. Now, those three words came effortlessly, carrying a depth that only time and shared experiences could carve.

"I do," she whispered, her gaze lingering on him. "And I love you too."

He smiled affectionately. "We'll get a test pack on the way home."

He then brushed a strand of hair away from her face and leaned in, capturing her lips in a soft, lingering kiss. The irony of her initial thoughts about how wrong it was to be involved with him crossed her mind. The circumstances that once cast shadows of guilt over her feelings now seemed to dissolve, replaced by an overwhelming sense that everything was right.

Their bodies melded together seamlessly, and the way his lips brushed over hers felt nothing short of perfect. She couldn't help but feel that what initially seemed like the wrong path had led them to this moment. It was the right kind of wrong—a beautiful contradiction that had crossed their lives together in ways they could have never predicted.

And the two lines greeting them later that night were evidence of how right everything was going to be.

.

Author's note

When I started this series, my goal was to give him the happy ending he deserves and a proper love interest. One that had a back story, one that clearly didn’t die, and one that would make him a dad! I wanted to portray a story as if you were watching a Spencer-centric plot on the show. (Although with the amount of smut here, I doubt it could be aired)

And with that being said, I apologize for any inaccuracy of the crime/mystery plot. Although it's not perfect, I'm pretty happy with how this turned out throughout the eight months this story went on. Yep, EIGHT MONTHS. This was my very first post on this blog and I'm deeply attached to it.

So thank you for reading, commenting, sharing, interacting, and just accepting me and my ideas. It's also safe to say that I won't be writing another series in the near future, but I will still be posting other things. 

Again, thank you so much. I love each and every one of you💕

.

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