Lee

I want to be loved. I want to feel loved. I in no way dislike romance. I actually love when people do romantic things for eachother. I love reading books and watching shows like that. PDA doesn’t bother me. I so very desperately want to be loved, wanted, or crushed upon.

However, all that being said…

I don’t know if I actually do…feel love. I dated my best friend a couple years ago, which lasted about a year and a half. It’s now been a year since we broke up (just about). I dated a man about a month after the breakup because I knew he had a crush on me, and I wanted to be loved, so I convinced myself I liked him too. I feel ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE about it, but we only lasted three days. I just felt like things were moving too quickly, and I broke up with him. After this, I decided I was lesbian.

A few months after (going from ~march to ~September), I dated a they/them (more masculine-leaning) trans person that I had just met that school year that I knew liked me. I also convinced myself (unknowingly, and relatively quickly) that I liked them too. We started dating around mid September or smthg. Idk why, but after about a month, I still didn’t feel comfortable in the relationship. (One reason may have been because I’m asexual, and they almost definitely wanted…more…from the relationship than I did, but I digress.) a couple weeks before Christmas (2025, about four months after we started dating), I told them I thought we would be better as friends. We hadn’t gotten SUPER close during that timespan, so I figured before I let us get too relationship-y, we should just break up and pretend it never happened. They were in my friend group, and I knew it wouldn’t last, so I just decided it would be best to end it before it would be awkward (more than it already was) to do so. During the whole thing, I kept questioning if what I was feeling was love. I hadn’t felt anything similar to what I felt with my first relationship since then.

Lastly, on a personal level, I don’t think I WANT to be aromantic. I see people that love each other, and I WANT THAT SOOOO BAD. I just…don’t know the nuances/distinctions between like and love, I guess? I have ABSOLUTELY NO ISSUE with any aromantics or otherwise. I just don’t want to admit to myself that I can’t feel love, because I so desperately want to. It’s possibly the thing I want most from life. I just…don’t think I can feel love.

Am I an asshole, aromantic, or some secret other option? Somebody please help! I would be happy to provide any other relevant info.