... Confessions ...

So I did the GISH hunt last week and made this kindness note and thought that I would share it here.

We're living in time of great doubts, be it towards our lives, our jobs or even ourselves so yeah. Here is my message for everyone who needs to here it.

I recently stumbled upon a very interesting YouTube channel about psychology. The way they talk about it is very nice, understandable and the drawings and animations are really cute. 

Bad day today. Tense, anxious, jittery, unable to concentrate and back pains as cherry on the cake. It had been a long time since it happened last, that kind of bad day. And it's certainly not a photo that I would have posted before. Not because I'm ashamed but because I felt like people would think I'm just whining.

When I started having anxiety issues I tended to not really talk about it. I was ashamed. Thought it was a weakness, a vulnerability. Now I've accepted it. It's annoying but I'm way better than I was a few years ago so... It doesn't mean that my anxiety is not present though. Sometimes I have bad days.

I don't know why today turned out to be a bad day. Nothing happened. Maybe it's just an accumulation of little things in the past weeks or months... Who knows.

Anyway, I digress. The point is: don't be ashamed of your bad days. They exist. Denying it would just be counterproductive.

So if you need some times by yourself to relax, cuddle with your pet (or a plushie if your pet is not with you, which is my case...), listen to music, read something that you like - or do anything you want really - take it. Pushing yourself on and on won't do you good.

Or should it be : hey! So I got a job!

This shows exactly the difference between what I feel and what people expect me to feel.

I had been jobless since March and with the pandemic and the lockdown, it wasn't really a easy time to find a job. But, once the lockdown had been over, I started to actively look for a job. Honestly all my applications were fruitless but several head hunters saw my CV online, called me and I found my new job this way. A permanent contract at that. The holy grail. I accepted of course, I need a job and hate feeling useless...

I should be happy. I guess. But I'm not really. Actually I feel nothing at all.

Strangely enough, the only thing that I felt towards this permanent contract is dread. Just fucking dread. I felt like I was finally put in a cage and the door of that cage was closing on me.

My brain is a dramatic bitch... Anyway.

I started this new job on the 1st of December. I'm currently in training, and even if there are some things I can do, it's a bit specific so I can't do a lot yet. My tutor still has her job to do so sometimes she has to let me be for some times. We're currently the only two persons on site.

And I get bored. So I copy and organize my notes, read some materials, explore the software we use.... It doesn't borrow a lot of time, let me tell you.

And so I'm bored. I look around me and feel the cage even more. Wonder why I'm here, what the fuck am I here for?

It's only the beginning, you'll tell me. Once my training is finished, I'll have more things to do. I hope so. Really.

And the worst in that is that I'm ashamed about those feelings. Because a lot of people would like very much to have my job, would be happy even. I'm lucky and can't even be happy about it...

You're just experiencing a bunch of symptoms and you don't know why or where they're coming from.

Like, you feel feverish without a fever, you're hot and cold at the same time, you're tired without a real reason... You just don't really feel well. And you're like, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I ill? Have I caught a cold?

Then you add all the other symptoms you were not really aware of at first.

You have trouble falling asleep, your neck is stiff, you have a lump in your throat, digestive issues, heart fluttering... And then, when you add it all, you realize that yeah your anxiety/depression crept over you and you didn't even realize it.

And when I feel like this I'm just 'OK, can you just get on with it, give me a panic attack and so be done with that shit?'.

A panic attack is really not something I long for, really not, but at least it lasts an half an hour to an hour and then it's fucking done. I will feel like shit for several hours after but then I can more or less move on.

I know I make it sound like it's not a hassle. It is. It definitely is. I've been struggling with anxiety since 2015 (almost all my life actually if I analyse my junior high school phase...) and panic attacks are definitely not something I would recommend.

But, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one, sometimes it's better to just rip off the band-aid in one go....🙄

Anyway, if some of you have been struggling with anxiety since recently, just know that you're not alone, know that it will get better, YOU will get BETTER. It won't be easy, it won't be linear, it will take time but you will learn how to live with it until you'll be the one to tell your anxiety to fuck off. You'll learn to recognize the tell-tale signs and act before the point of no return.