Ilya is not allowed to go on Call Her Daddy. It doesn't matter how much he begs and cajoles, and promises to be good, Yuna has put that particular interview on the "Hard No" list at least until they're retired.Â
To be honest, Ilya gets it. He doesn't think that any amount of media training could keep him from going fully off the rails if given the chance to talk about how much he loves Shane, how good his cock tastes, how he made Shane cum hands free the first time he was ever inside him. And the thought of literally any of that being chirped back at them on the ice like it's bad or filthy or shameful? No. Not happening.Â
So Ilya pouts but understands, and gets over it. That is, until Shane accepts the invitation. Then there are hissy fits and overdramatic shouting matches with zero heat behind them ("Yuna, what the fuck? Why can Shane talk about our filthy sex life?" "Because he blushes when he says the word 'sex', Ilya. And because he's never made a face fucking joke in front of me.") and just so much sulking.Â
Yuna knows it's a risk, and there's no way in hell she's going to be there for the taping. But she also knows that Shane's Golden Boy image was shattered to pieces with a single grainy video of him.Â
Now is a chance to start over. They've had long conversations about this - conversations over wine, and walks, and in therapy. This being a "rebuilding period" for Shane's reputation, yes, but also for his agency over his own image. And if him going on a podcast to talk about why his knees are perpetually bruised during the summer will give him a sense of control over his life, then this is the penance Yuna will pay for not listening and being in his corner sooner. This is how she will support her son.
So Shane goes on Call Her Daddy, and Ilya sits behind the camera with headphones on, pouting dramatically when Shane is looking, but really just staring with love and adoration at his husband. When Yuna asks how it went, Shane just blushes and Ilya beams and says, "He will break the internet."
And he does. Of course he does. He can't say the word sex without blushing, but it turns out Shane Hollander can employ euphamisms and imagery like a goddamn romance novelist.Â
Gif Sets are instantly made of him saying things like:
"It felt like cannonballing into a cold lake: every inch of me was suddenly alive." about Ilya handing him a water bottle when they were eighteen, or;
"It was a revelation." about their first hookup, or;
"It's the only place other than hockey where my mind goes quiet." about their sex life in general.
Entire OpEds are written about Shane's quiet devastation at the end of his Metros run ("They were going to hang my jersey in the rafters. Now they burn it in the streets."). During the Metro's next game, a huge number of fans turn up in his jersey, holding signs that say "We're Sorry."Â
A fan account turning his quotes into steamy romance novel covers gets over 1 million likes on the cover they made of Shane's ridiculous cologne ad photo with the words, "I spent years surviving on the minutes we could steal" written over the top.
Ilya can't get enough. He starts calling Shane his poet, his author, his cunning linguist. He buys tank tops of his favorite phrases and wears them all the time. He and Rose even wear matching ones when they're shopping in LA that say Ravenous over the grainy footage that outed them to start with. Ilya frames and hangs the paparazzi photos. Â
Eventually time goes on and the internet finds something else to obsess over and Ilya forgets all about it. That is, until Shane shakes him awake at 3am, looking haunted as he says, "Ilya, Ilya I need to tell you something."Â
Ilya's brain is still in Russian mode, still in fight or flight when he mumbles, "What is it?"
"The podcast, Ilya, I..." for a second Ilya thinks he's having a massively delayed panic attack about the whole thing, but then Shane says, "I. I hired someone. An author. To write the talking points."
Ilya laughs himself into an asthma attack.Â
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