beauty is terror

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tumblr sideblogs  - @podcastsaregay , @llawlietofficial

and if you’re here from my kazling fic, here’s my ‘a good myth is hard to kill’ tag. if you're here from my other, weirder kazling fic here's my 'office hours' tag. if you are here from my kazolai serial killer fic here's my 'i know this hurts, it was meant to' tag

this is chapter 45 of the serial killer fic vs chapter 46 (more book research involved in that one lol)

Any advice would be super welcome!!

need you to know that my first thought when i saw this message was “honestly i'm too mentally ill for it to come out sounding like therapy language” like i KNOW i write therapists and i was in therapy for over a decade but i still feel like things like thought spiraling come naturally to me and things like consciously thinking through potential positive outcomes or netural alternatives takes extra effort. i'm doing like weird jared-leto esque method acting but it's with me writing kaz's descent(s?) into madness  when i just crack my knuckles and get to work. 

i think part of the struggle here is that what works for me i almost think can't possibly work for other people in this case???? because i've been in Kaz's head for so long that sometimes for me it's kind of a matter of just turning my own brain off and taking theirs for a test drive. and then i just don't think at all, i just stream-of-consciousness let all their worst insecurities and fear spirals out on the page and hit post. that’s what i did for that one chapter of ‘a good myth’  where Kaz was running through the four possible outcomes he'd come up with for how things could play and wasn't coping well with his realization that he'd have to go back with him ahaha. 

I guess on a more practical note, that's where some of the little ‘writing tricks’ come in with the grammar breaking and stuff. Thoughts are super fractured things. If people say ‘no one speaks like they write’ it's double and triply true for thinking. I remember reading House of Leaves when I was in high school and experiencing the feeling of real claustrophobia from literal WORDS on a PAGE for the first time, like genuine anxiety coming from tricks the writing was doing in controlling when I breathed and where my eyes were moving and all I thought was “I want to do this.” Same with the book ‘Shakspeare's Wordcraft’ that I read in college that talks about a bunch of different writing tools that Shakespeare uses like repetition etc. and how he uses them.