어둠은 사라져

[...] “well,” he laughs briefly, the sound equal amounts awkward and shy and reaches a hand up to touch his hair, “something like that?” he’s told yongguk about his ridiculous heartbreaks, there was no need to act secretive about them now, but something in him was hesitant, scared to scare the other off. “i just felt like after the amount of change i’ve been through on the inside, it’s time to go through some physical change, as well. and since i can’t just suddenly grow muscles or get a tattoo…” he trails off, eyes finally dropping to the ground and focusing on the tips of his shoes, “but i guess you could also say it’s like the heroines getting over a guy, as well. i’ve been pretty beat up about romance things, i think it’s time to let that go and put it behind me.”  it’s maybe not the best moment to look back up again, but the smile that had been present on hyungwon’s lips quickly vanishes, brows pulling together into a confused frown because- “hyung, why are we heading for the subway station?” immediately, his body goes into resistance mode, putting weight against yongguk’s arm and trying to dig his heels into the ground to stop them from getting any closer to the bacteria contaminated hell. 

Yongguk listens to Hyungwon quietly, but suddenly laughs at the mention of getting a tattoo. “I agree about being impossible to suddenly grow some muscles, but nothing is stopping you from getting a tattoo on a whim. Although I would suggest going with you so that I can stop you from getting something you would come to regret later.” He falls quiet again and doesn’t really know what to say when the other admits that the change might also be because he needed to get over past romances. It’s not something that Yongguk can relate to. He’s never been in a meaningful enough relationship to feel…bad (?) once it was over? “I’m not sure what that feels like,” he begins honestly, “but I know you’re a tough kid so you will be able to get over whatever has been troubling you.”

The change in Hyungwon is immediate as soon as he sees the subway station in the near distance. Yongguk doesn’t let himself be deterred by the resistance and instead tightens his hold around Hyungwon and keeps walking, pushing the other forward. “Because that’s where we are going. Today, we’re not going anywhere in your fancy car and contributing to more pollution of our beautiful planet. We’re going to take the subway like the common folk, aka me, and you’ll get to experience something new. Isn’t that great?” he says, trying to paint the subway as something better than it is in reality.

[...]

“ah, so you mean that you consider rapping more as a way toaddress various social issues?” chaeyoung asks, hoping that she understandswhat he means. “it is interesting though that you take that approach when itcomes to your raps. there are some rappers who are more inclined to talk aboutlove.” she says out loud her observations. their discussion does remindchaeyoung about what kind of a rapper she wants to be. she did not want to beany ordinary rapper and talk about love only. she wanted to expand to othertopics that may be relevant to the audience. “i guess that’s why i really likeyou as a rapper because i’ve always wanted to be a rapper that is…unique, isuppose.” chaeyoung bites her bottom lip for a brief moment as she gathers herthoughts. she then tells him, “i’ve always wanted to become an idol butsometimes i don’t like how idols usually talk badly about others or about love.i want to be different from them, that’s why i wanted to know from youpersonally what makes you such a talented rapper. perhaps it could help meimprove my skills as well.”

He nods in approval when Chaeyoung asks him about the way he considers rap. “I get that some people will want to rap about making a lot of money and being so great that they get all the women they want, but that’s not the kind of message I want to be spreading. I don’t want people to think I’m some misogynistic and sexist guy, because that’s not who I am. I want to reach people by rapping about issues that they may be able to relate to, that will make them think. I also don’t like putting other people down.” He quiets down and listens to her voice her thoughts and he can admit that it is nice to hear that his rap is interesting enough for other people to seek his advice, even though he is not a professional.

“Like I told you earlier, I don’t have the miraculous formula to become a talented rapper, but if I had any advice to give, I’d tell you to think about the kind of message you want to spread through your lyrics, which, from what you have just said seems to be something that you have already thought about. That’s good, keep thinking about it and writing. Keep practicing too. Listen to different rappers and try to find your own vibe, your own flow. If you have any rappers that you really love, or even singers, or other people that influence you, try to think about why you like them so much.” He leans back in his chair and lets out a sudden chuckle, shaking his head in amusement. “And if you get noticed and someone offers you a contract or something, then you will probably get more training and that’s going to help too.”

the first room makes him queasy already. hyungwon had never been a fan of gore; his stomach wasn’t quite ready to handle a lot of things and blood and guts were two of them. he looks away from the mannequins immediately and although there is a mantra inside his head about nothing there being real and it all just being fake blood and fake guts, he can’t help feeling slightly nauseous. he’d prefer a ghost in a white bed sheet over this any day. why again did he think it was a good idea to go to the haunted house? now he had to try his hardest to keep it together because if there was something that was more unattractive than him screeching like a little girl out of fear, it was him getting sick.  he keeps his lips pressed together and his body pressed against yongguk’s arm, his free hand curling around yongguk’s wrist as if to steady himself. his breathing is shallow and at the point where they’re about to reach the end of the room, he exhales a prolonged breath of relief only to have it become stuck in his throat when a man with a giant knife jumps out in front of them. he doesn’t know who started screaming first, him or yongguk, but while the older turns as if to run away, hyungwon is met with a sudden burst of bravery and starts swinging his uncooked spaghetti legs at the disguised man – without stopping the shrieking, of course.  (now, the man wore a mask and hyungwon wasn’t sure, but he thinks he saw the maniac doctor laughing as he ran off.) with his hand still tightly clutching onto yongguk and his heart hammering wildly against his chest, he turns back to yongguk, wide eyes even wider in the dim light. “hyung, did you see how i chased him off? i think i sacred him. that means not even maniac doctors are immune against being kicked.”

Yongguk had been busy taking deep breaths, hoping to calm his racing heart. He is sure that all the colors must have leave his face by now. Of course, he doesn’t miss the way Hyungwon chase off the maniacal doctor, but he can’t bring himself to laugh over how ridiculous the other looked, swinging his legs at the man. “I am pretty sure he must have run away because he’s just a normal actor and he has more people to scare so he wants to make it to the end of this day in one piece.” He doesn’t know if they will come out of this in one piece, but he sure hopes so. As much as he doesn’t want to keep moving, he knows they need to. “C’mon, let’s keep moving,” he says, hoping that his voice doesn’t betray how shaken he is.

He hates the hallways of the haunted house almost as much as he hates the main rooms. Perhaps because the hallways are narrower, and they feel darker too somehow. He stays pressed to Hyungwon’s side and jumps when he feels something grabbing his ankle. He doesn’t shriek this time, thankfully, but he does start kicking at whatever has been grabbing his ankle while letting out a string of curse words that would probably horrify most people. He’d have been a worthy opponent to Captain Haddock in Tintin. They keep going, brushing past things dangling from the ceilings and what not until they reach the second room.

he doesn’t know when exactly the promise of spending time with yongguk turned him jittery and excited and giggly. it was horrible and most of the time hyungwon managed to keep it all suppressed, but the laughter seemed to always pull on the corners of his mouth and settle in his chest, about to resurface in his throat like bubbly and sweet champagne.  the smallest things seemed to prompt his glee and amusement. a simple comment from yongguk, a grumbled and endearingly grumpy one and hyungwon is grinning and cackling at the other like the mere idea of someone who could look as hardcore as yongguk was intimidated by ice skating. it was cute. “they won’t send you to your death, yongguk hyung. like i’d allow you to die on me here.” he smiles at him over his shoulder before taking his shoes from the staff. since last year - that’s how long it had been since he forced his feet into the stiff shoes and hyungwon had missed it. sports were never his forte, but ice skating was something he had always enjoyed.  he’s got both feet inside his ice skating shoes when yongguk speaks up again, the slightest hint of nervousness in his voice that irrationally made hyungwon want to reach out and hold his hand. “i’ll hold your hands the whole time, i promise,” it’s endearing, in every way, how what you see isn’t even the tip of the iceberg of what you get with yongguk and while affection clearly makes his skin feel warm, chest expand and fill, hyungwon brushes it off as feelings of friendship, “and if you fall i’ll fall with you, okay?” he finishes tying up his shoes quickly before standing up from the bench and turning towards yongguk, his hand outstretched, palm up, and waiting for the other to take it. “you don’t need to worry, if those five year old kids manage to handle themselves on skates, you can too. and you’ll have me to help and not that stiff penguin. it will be fun, you’ll see.”

“How chivalrous of you,” he mumbles when Hyungwon assures him that if he falls, he is going to fall with him. He finishes lacing up the skate and wiggles his toes inside to make sure that he can move them and feel them. He takes a deep breath and slowly pushes himself up. His knees instantly shake as he tries to find his balance. He automatically reaches for Hyungwon’s hand and clutches to it. “Kids are good at learning things when they are small. They are like sponges, they absorb all the information and they are also like…I don’t know what would be the right word to use, but they are like super drunk people so when they fall, they don’t really get hurt, as opposed to us adults who are as stiff as wooden boards.”

Once they get to the ice rink, he waits for Hyungwon to step onto the ice first and he watches him intently as if there was some secret to be learned about standing on ice without automatically ending on your ass. He feels ridiculous to be so wary of ice at his age, but it’s not really his fault that he never got the opportunity to learn at a younger age. He takes another deep breath and slowly puts one foot on the ice. He is still holding Hyungwon’s hand and he hopes that people are not waiting after him to get on the ice, because he doesn’t know how long this is going to take. He moves his foot back and forth, letting the blade slide over the ice and sort of testing how it feels.

His cheeks turn redder as he reaches for Hyungwon’s other hand. This is the moment of truth. This is where he needs to get his other foot on the ice and this will either be a success or a complete disaster. He bites his bottom lip and furrows his brows in concentration as he slowly balances his weight on his right foot and then gets the left one on the ice. His grip tightens over Hyungwon’s hands when his skates end up sliding a little and he gets scared of falling even though he hasn’t even tried to move yet. He feels like his knees are still shaking and he wonders how people can enjoy waltzing around with weapons on their feet.

for the sixth time that evening hyungwon got up from his couch, walked towards the mirror in the hallway to check his reflection and sat back down. his hair didn’t change in the slightest from the first five times he had done the exact same thing, but nervousness left him pacing. yongguk hadn’t seen his new hair colour yet, nor had hyungwon breathed a word about having dyed his hair and since it was the first time that he was sporting anything but black hair, he was understandably antsy. bin had said it suited him, but hyungwon knew that tastes differ and who knew if yongguk would like it just as much. well, he was about to find out. the doorbell rings finally and he gets up, heads for the same mirror he had been standing in front of before to check his reflection one more time. his hair is still in a perfect and casual disarray, light ways making him look slightly playful. considering his previous looks, he had gone for something much more casual today. black skinny jeans and a comfortable black sweater with way too long sleeves; it was all about the hair today. he pushes his phone, keys and wallet on the inside pockets of his coat before slipping his arms into the wide jacket and opening the door. yongguk is staring and hyungwon only hopes it’s not all that obvious that he’s holding his breath. it doesn’t take more than the mere mention of his hair to make hyungwon’s fingers twitch, make him want to reach up and brush his fingers over the soft strands in the hopes to either fix or conceal them, when yongguk finally finishes his sentence and he ends up exhaling his relief. “thank you, i really felt like a change was needed.” the stupid smile on his face kind of refuses to leave afterwards and hyungwon keeps on gnawing on his bottom lip to make it less obvious. his eyes are focused on the floor, on the walls, on anything but yongguk - at least until he can get his mouth back under control. he ends up being forced to make eye contact when the other asks for his car keys and hyungwon doesn’t even pause a second to wonder what he could want to do with them before reaching into his pocket and fishing for them. “you want to drive today, hyung? is where we’re going a surprise?” he drops the keys in yongguk’s awaiting hand and tries not to focus too much on the image of someone other than him sitting behind the wheels of his car. he didn’t have a problem with it, he trusted yongguk not to crash it, but the idea was oddly out of the blue. the elevator door opens and like usual, hyungwon turns to walk in the direction of the parking lot, completely unsuspecting of the actual reason of why yongguk asked for his keys. “i hope you’re planning to drive us somewhere we can get food. i’m kind of peckish.”

As soon as the keys are dropped in his hands, Yongguk closes his fingers tightly over them and buries his hand in his pocket. He follows Hyungwon out of the elevator, but before the other can get too far away in direction of the parking lot, Yongguk grabs him gently by the arm with his free hand and stops him. “Yeah, we can go get some food, but let’s walk a little first.” He makes sure to keep his face neutral as to not make Hyungwon suspicious. “I mean, we always take the car and it is such a beautiful day out today that it would be a shame not to make the most of it and enjoy it at least a little,” he continues, hoping that it doesn’t ring like some shitty excuse. He does like spending time outside and walking is great. He just hope that Hyungwon feels the same about it.

He moves his hand, letting go of Hyungwon’s arm but wrapping it around him instead, fingers splaying over the small of Hyungwon’s back. He’s not keeping a firm hold on him since he doesn’t want to end up hurting the other, but he’s still somewhat keeping Hyungwon close, so the other doesn’t try to escape. He motions toward the sidewalk with his chin and starts walking, applying just enough pressure on the other’s back to make him start walking as well. He takes a deep breath, making it look like he is enjoying the crisp autumn hair and he is. The sun is shining bright in the sky and it’s not too cold or too hot. It really is a perfect day.

@bangrk·

the last time yongguk had dragged him somewhere, it had been hyungwon who was uncomfortable and out of place during the whole adventure and what he was doing in that moment wasn’t exactly revenge considering it was all about charity and helping those who had less, but hyungwon might have just known about yongguk’s inability to ice skate before deciding that was exactly what they had to do.  he was pulling a medium sized suitcase full of washed and neatly folded clothes behind himself and was still babbling to yongguk about it was totally for a good cause and would be a great present to them and whoever was getting the help for christmas; and while that was all true and neat half of hyungwon was focused on the idea of yongguk attempting to balance on ice skating shoes and hyungwon having to hold his hands. he tries to push away thoughts of how it wouldn’t be unlike their halloween date meet up and about how he was actually looking for excuses to hold his hands.  they were nice hands though so sue him.  he steps closer to one of the organisers and fills out a form before moving the suitcase closer and giving a brief explanation of what was inside; sweaters and coats for men and women. his mother and father had been nice enough to donate some things as well. when they’re giving permission to go on, hyungwon turns back to yongguk and smiles encouragingly, “are you ready to get the shoes, hyung?” 

When Hyungwon had suggested they go ice skating during the Holiday festival, Yongguk had reluctantly admitted that he didn’t know how to ice skate. As a child, he had never been taken to an ice skating rink before and his mother had never bought him ice skates either. That admission had not deterred Hyungwon though who had proceeded to promise he was going to teach him how and that it would be fun. Yongguk had eventually caved in because Hyungwon’s eyes had been so bright, so hopeful, that he had not been able to bring himself to refuse.

To be allowed on the rink though, they had to give something to charity. It was a good idea and Yongguk wanted to do his part even if he didn’t have much to give away. While Hyungwon settled for a suitcase f clothes, Yongguk went with the 1kg of food, carrying the non-perishables in plastic bags. After giving away their donations and getting the okay to proceed, Yongguk follows Hyungwon closely and mutters under his breath that: “they’re not shoes…they’re boots on blades that will send me to my death”. He still gives the size of shoes he is normally wearing, not knowing whether he needs to give a slightly bigger size or not because he has no idea how sizing for ice skates works.