pumpkin spice candles soon
pumpkin lattes soon
pumpkin everything
#ITS STILL JULY YOU ANIMALS
And what was I saying just this morning?!
Soon my friends, soon.
@seekingthestars
There's already Christmas shit out where I work.

shark vs the universe
dirt enthusiast
YOU ARE THE REASON

roma★

blake kathryn
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
we're not kids anymore.
Stranger Things
h
Three Goblin Art

★
"I'm Dorothy Gale from Kansas"

Cosmic Funnies
Jules of Nature

Product Placement

oozey mess
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
$LAYYYTER
ojovivo
seen from Netherlands

seen from Sweden

seen from United States

seen from Brazil

seen from Türkiye
seen from United States
seen from France

seen from China

seen from Netherlands

seen from United States
seen from Finland

seen from United States

seen from Czechia
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from United States

seen from United States
@babierabies
pumpkin spice candles soon
pumpkin lattes soon
pumpkin everything
#ITS STILL JULY YOU ANIMALS
And what was I saying just this morning?!
Soon my friends, soon.
@seekingthestars
There's already Christmas shit out where I work.

Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Period is a no show.
*sigh*
I’m gonna be over dramatic and say that now I’m really fucked.
Maybe it’ll show up now to make a liar out of me.
I hope.
Why can’t I have this? Why can’t I have one good thing? Why do I always have to be the one who can’t have nice things?
A friend of mine is pregnant. They weren’t planning for it, it just happened.
And suddenly I feel like it’s all just passing me by again.
Why am I so scared? So Timid? It’s just sex! Just find a guy you don’t mind looking at and fuck him. If nothing happens after a few months, find another.
Find a fuck buddy. Find a FWB. Find a donor.
It. Is. Just. Sex. You. Stupid. Brain. You don’t really want a partner, just their sperm, so GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT!
*sigh*
I am going to miss out. I am going to miss out on this like I’ve missed out on so many other things because I’m scared, I procrastinate, I talk myself out of it and then convince myself that if I had really wanted it, I wouldn’t have talked myself out of it.
I don’t know why this is so hard. The only guy I’ve ever slept with got into my pants after a handful of conversations online and 3 episodes of Greg The Bunny (How romantic, I know). Why is it so fucking hard this time?
sexual orientation: a middle aged woman leaning over a desk
in a nice blouse tucked into a pencil skirt paired with high heels
and black-rimmed glasses.
Where’s that Amanda Tapping as a pin up picture when you need it?
You had to know I’d produce it.
Excellent.
YOU'RE WELCOME, LADIES!
Period showed up today and I was AMAZINGLY accurate with predicting (despite the last post?idk). Now, if only I could snag a man.

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I think I missed my window. Despite all my blood work showing improvement, I still think it's too late. Still no period. I think I'm fucked before I even got started. Fucking typical. Was England it? Was that shit show the only thing I get for me? Because it wasn't worth it. I'd trade those two years in England for a baby in a heart beat.
Everything has crawled to a halt. I'm not really interested in the guy I'm talking to and should cut him loose, but I can't seem to do it and I don't know why. He's got like 30 years on me and I get that "fake intellectual" feeling from him, like he's reaching for obscure shit to try and trigger some kind of "OH! HE'S SO DREAMY AND SMART!" reaction that is never going to happen. I also have no idea how to meet people. There is LITERALLY one guy at work, I don't go clubbing and I can't think of any social groups that I'm interested in joining. I need to do something. I want a baby but I'm at a loss as to how to go about getting one. HOW DOES ONE DO THIS??
I want to buy every bit of baby clothing that gets posted on my local bug and sell group. Well, mostly the girl clothing. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I had a boy. I feel I might get a girl because female embryos are hardier than male embryos.
Am TOTALLY getting ready to ovulate!! Never in my life have I been so glad to know a period is coming.
I’m not trying to be mean but this is called sleeping……
glitch in the matrix: i slept
No, I've had this. There are nights where I don't remember sleeping. I remember being awake and tossing and turning and being frustrated about not being able to sleep but the next morning? The next morning I am awake and well rested like I slept a solid 8 hours.

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So, I'm watching A Year In The Life again and Rory just finished her "I'm rootless! I'm free! This is my time!" Speech and I can't help but feel like I'm slipping into a similar time. I mean, other than a part time job and dialysis, I have nothing right now. No baby, no husband, no boy friend, no steady TV shows, nothing. In theory, I could just take off and have two glorious weeks* before I drown in my own fluids. *sigh* I had drive once. I had a life plan, a budding social life, creative inspiration and now there's just nothing. I go through the motions, talk myself out of smoking a shit ton of weed and then crochet a million dish clothes because I have a rediculous idea that I'm going to make lonely over Etsy with them. And now this baby shit. It's probably a good thing Thunder Bay is full of shit heads. I feel like I'm jumping from thing to thing trying to find purpose. Do I want none because I want one or because I might not be able to have one? It was only in the last 5 or so years that I started telling people I didn't want kids. There's never really been a partner in the picture, but yeah, kids were usually in there. I feel like if my kidney hadn't failed. I wouldn't be wanting this. I'd probably be working my ass off, saving up and running off to Europe again. And to Michigan to see Tess and Washington State to see Allie and making plans with the bestie to head to Colorado at some point. Well, I'd be cramming all the shit I didn't get to do in my 20's into my 30's. Is this what it feels like to realize your 20's are actually over? That being young and irresponsible and free are over? Deciding that I wanted a baby made me feel powerful and reckless and free and now it just feels like settling, like I'm throwing my hands in the air and saying "well, plan B it is!" Would I even be capable of loving a baby if I had one? I know everyone says it's love at first sight, but what if it isn't? What if I just regret? Loretta Switt, I believe, said that she'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them and since she didn't feel capable of simultaneously giving kids and her career the proper amount of time and care, she decided against children. So, am I choosing children because I have nothing else to fill my time? And why the fuck did the intense want and surety evaporate the moment I caved and told my mom about my plan? What the fuck does that mean? I am fucking Lorelai Gilmore without the teen pregnancy.
We could be practicing right now but you won't come into my life :/
I am going to die alone and unloved. I try and convince myself different, but I always end up in the same fucking place.
And, in typical style, everything is falling apart and the Baby Rabies is back with a vengeance.
And now for some healthy helpings of self doubt, anxiety, insecurity, embarrassment, hesitation and flat out doubt. Yay!! Stupid neurotic brain. You wanted this, desperately, just days ago and. Ow that it's out in the world, you don't want it any more? What the ever loving fuck? I'm not even gonna tag this. Seriously.

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Caved and told mom, her house after all. She was oddly calm about the whole thing. I feel like some of the urgency has worn off? Like now that it's out there (sort of) there's no rush. Not like there was a rush before, but still. Also thinking about changing my No Sex policy for the right guy. I mean, it would definitely be easier to just jump a guy and nail him when the timing is right. Hell, it might be nice just to have a reason to get laid. I mean, if I can find someone willing to be patient enough for my Demi ass to get comfortable with him, who knows? (There is a candidate, older guy with grown kids. We'll see.)
Posted a Craigslist ad for a donor, I figure it’s as good a place to start as any. I made it clear there would be no sex, a contract of some type would have to be in place and that I had no idea how long it would take.
There’s even a black guy in the mix, which I didn’t expect.
I don’t know. I feel excited, but super nervous too. I know I said I was going to wait, but I honestly don’t see why I can’t at least start looking for someone while I track cycles and save up and all that shit. Saving won’t really be hard, I’ve practically stopped eating out cold turkey which is where the bulk of my disposable cash was going (The rest goes straight on my Visa, Cellphone and Student Loan.)
Bestie keeps talking about consulting a doctor and going to a clinic and she’s probably right, but I’m so scared they’re going to talk me out of it or say no and I’ll just cave and give up and miss out. I’m never going to be able to save the money to do this through a clinic and I honestly doubt a clinic would help me out given the whole dialysis thing. I’m starting to grow concerned that when she does finally wrap her brain around exactly what I’m doing, she’s gonna change her tune about what good plan this is.
I’m nervous about this and wish it wasn’t so Under The Table and Sketch, but I honestly don’t know how else to go about this. I’m 33 already, my fertility has always been a little in question and the longer I’m on dialysis, the lower my chance of being able to conceive is.
I guess I’m just gonna have to roll the dice. I’m gonna have to put myself out there, get to know these guys and hope I have some kind of connection with one of them. Not a romantic connection, but some kind of friendship, something that clicks and makes me think ‘yeah, I could hang out with this guy’.
I’m also starting to worry more about why my parents will say if I manage to do this. I still live at home because the wait for social housing here is so horrendous and I got sick again. But we’re not exactly swimming in cash and there is not a lot of space in the house (less than 800 square feet for the three of us). I’m sure they’ll be happy to have a grandchild, there will just be a shit ton of flipping out first. Then again, housing isn’t really going to be a huge deal until this hypothetical kid needs to be moved out of a crib at 18-24 months (maybe later).
I don’t know. I’ve got a lot of support already from the Bestie and a few other friends, but I’m not stuck in a house with them.