Pretty things among the mess

Period showed up today and I was AMAZINGLY accurate with predicting (despite the last post?idk). Now, if only I could snag a man.

I think I missed my window. Despite all my blood work showing improvement, I still think it's too late. Still no period. I think I'm fucked before I even got started. Fucking typical. Was England it? Was that shit show the only thing I get for me? Because it wasn't worth it. I'd trade those two years in England for a baby in a heart beat.

Everything has crawled to a halt. I'm not really interested in the guy I'm talking to and should cut him loose, but I can't seem to do it and I don't know why. He's got like 30 years on me and I get that "fake intellectual" feeling from him, like he's reaching for obscure shit to try and trigger some kind of "OH! HE'S SO DREAMY AND SMART!" reaction that is never going to happen. I also have no idea how to meet people. There is LITERALLY one guy at work, I don't go clubbing and I can't think of any social groups that I'm interested in joining. I need to do something. I want a baby but I'm at a loss as to how to go about getting one. HOW DOES ONE DO THIS??

I want to buy every bit of baby clothing that gets posted on my local bug and sell group. Well, mostly the girl clothing. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I had a boy. I feel I might get a girl because female embryos are hardier than male embryos.

Am TOTALLY getting ready to ovulate!! Never in my life have I been so glad to know a period is coming.

So, I'm watching A Year In The Life again and Rory just finished her "I'm rootless! I'm free! This is my time!" Speech and I can't help but feel like I'm slipping into a similar time. I mean, other than a part time job and dialysis, I have nothing right now. No baby, no husband, no boy friend, no steady TV shows, nothing. In theory, I could just take off and have two glorious weeks* before I drown in my own fluids. *sigh* I had drive once. I had a life plan, a budding social life, creative inspiration and now there's just nothing. I go through the motions, talk myself out of smoking a shit ton of weed and then crochet a million dish clothes because I have a rediculous idea that I'm going to make lonely over Etsy with them. And now this baby shit. It's probably a good thing Thunder Bay is full of shit heads. I feel like I'm jumping from thing to thing trying to find purpose. Do I want none because I want one or because I might not be able to have one? It was only in the last 5 or so years that I started telling people I didn't want kids. There's never really been a partner in the picture, but yeah, kids were usually in there. I feel like if my kidney hadn't failed. I wouldn't be wanting this. I'd probably be working my ass off, saving up and running off to Europe again. And to Michigan to see Tess and Washington State to see Allie and making plans with the bestie to head to Colorado at some point. Well, I'd be cramming all the shit I didn't get to do in my 20's into my 30's. Is this what it feels like to realize your 20's are actually over? That being young and irresponsible and free are over? Deciding that I wanted a baby made me feel powerful and reckless and free and now it just feels like settling, like I'm throwing my hands in the air and saying "well, plan B it is!" Would I even be capable of loving a baby if I had one? I know everyone says it's love at first sight, but what if it isn't? What if I just regret? Loretta Switt, I believe, said that she'd rather regret not having kids than regret having them and since she didn't feel capable of simultaneously giving kids and her career the proper amount of time and care, she decided against children. So, am I choosing children because I have nothing else to fill my time? And why the fuck did the intense want and surety evaporate the moment I caved and told my mom about my plan? What the fuck does that mean? I am fucking Lorelai Gilmore without the teen pregnancy.

We could be practicing right now but you won't come into my life :/

I am going to die alone and unloved. I try and convince myself different, but I always end up in the same fucking place.

And, in typical style, everything is falling apart and the Baby Rabies is back with a vengeance.

And now for some healthy helpings of self doubt, anxiety, insecurity, embarrassment, hesitation and flat out doubt. Yay!! Stupid neurotic brain. You wanted this, desperately, just days ago and. Ow that it's out in the world, you don't want it any more? What the ever loving fuck? I'm not even gonna tag this. Seriously.

Caved and told mom, her house after all. She was oddly calm about the whole thing. I feel like some of the urgency has worn off? Like now that it's out there (sort of) there's no rush. Not like there was a rush before, but still. Also thinking about changing my No Sex policy for the right guy. I mean, it would definitely be easier to just jump a guy and nail him when the timing is right. Hell, it might be nice just to have a reason to get laid. I mean, if I can find someone willing to be patient enough for my Demi ass to get comfortable with him, who knows? (There is a candidate, older guy with grown kids. We'll see.)