I bet youāre all sick of all these random text blocks I always post lol but I felt like this specific statement? thought? was something that iāve wanted to share for a while but I kept telling myself that if I just pushed on I wouldnāt have to but ~obviously~ this is not the case. so I shall just lay it all out there with all my thoughts regarding this blog and more specifically, enmity.Ā
this ended up being super long so I apologize in advance. iāll put it under the cut for all of you.
to put it frankly, there is a specific reason as to why I havenāt written or posted enmity, or anything, in months. brotherhood/enmity used to be my proudest work and it was the thing I enjoyed posting the most, however with where the story is at right now I just have 0 inspiration for it (even though I have the entire story planned already) and iām more than aware that 90% of people who visit my blog are only here for enmity. and thatās okay! but having so much pressure on me to provide this one story that I really canāt find the motivation for me to write, has turned into me literally getting anxiety whenever I come onto tumblr. iām sure itāll sound stupid to some of you but just thinking about enmity takes a toll on my mental health and I avoid it at all costs, which is a big reason as to why I havenāt posted it and have avoided this blog for so long.
in addition to that, iāve still been writing here and there. I have things that of course I would love to post and share. but iām sure at this point if I were to post something that wasnāt enmity, someone would reply or send an ask likeĀ āwhereās enmity?ā and I get it!!! itās what makes my blog (somewhat lol) relevant and itās what people love and I am so so so so so grateful for that. but even without me posting anything else, people have still sent messages and asks complaining about me not posting enmity (as well as really nice ones, dont worry I see you and I appreciate all the sweet words! <3), and I donāt want to take my time writing something that I love just to get feedback that asks about something that makes me hate this blog. so, thatās why I havenāt posted anything; because I know that someone will say something about it not being enmity, and itād really hurt me after all the time iāve spent dedicated to another piece of writing.
of course, with addition to the toll this takes on me, I have other things going on at home. I personally am not one to share things going on in my personal life on the internet, so iām going to be somewhat vague, but this is my last semester of college so school is more important to me now than ever. i also now have three jobs to try and stay afloat with the cutbacks the pandemic has caused, and iām getting kicked out of my apartment in a couple of months. itās a lot going on and me getting stressed out over a blog isnāt something that I canĀ really be doing right now.
so, now it really comes down to wtf am I gonna do with this blog. obviously iāve been leaving it to sit for a while, hoping that once everything in my life settles down I can come back here because I really do love all of you and sharing my writing here with you. but still, every day someone finds brotherhood and enmity and starts to read, and even though I am SO grateful that people still somehow find this fic of mine and read and love it, I feel so so so horrible because they read for hours and then come to find out that I never finished it. I donāt want to lead people into dead ends anymore because I know the feeling of wanting to know the end of something and it sucks.
tl;dr - I canāt handle the pressure of writing enmity anymore. a lot of stuff is going on in my life and adding that on isnāt helping. but I know that it would suck to post things I write and have people be disappointed that itās not enmity. furthermore, people are still finding enmity and I feel horrible that itās not finished.
so, I really only have three options I can think of:
1. I delete this entire blog. this is what iām leaning towards right now, because then everything gets erased and no one else has anymore expectations that I canāt live up to. people no longer will find enmity and be disappointed with the fact that it isnāt done. in my opinion this is the best option.
2. I keep the blog, but delete brotherhood and enmity. iām sure this isnāt ideal either lol but the root of me avoiding this blog really is enmity. so, if itās gone, maybe I could be just a tad bit more active here, or at least look forward to coming back once my life is more put together.Ā
3. I keep doing what Iāve been doing and everyone just sits around and hopes that maybe iāll come back? of course I want to come back and had every intention to do so, but with enmity up I canāt guarantee it, and I would still feel like shit knowing that people are waiting. so, personally this is my least favorite option because I feel like it gives you guys the short end of the stick, but technically itās still an option.
iām so sorry that this got so long, but this is a lot that iāve been feeling for a long long time and I donāt want to keep everyone in the dark anymore. honestly I feel horrible for how far I allowed this to go. but I hope you all understand that there were never any bad intentions and again iām so sorry for being annoying. I appreciate you guys so much for all the love iāve gotten on this blog and the patience youāve shown me. I love you all so so so so so much.