I have been contemplating blocking my father from my life entirely.

I decided to write him a letter as a final attempt to opening a dialogue with him.

Of course he just told me that him abusing my mother is none of my business the same way he doesn’t meddle with my relationship with Matty. Which is ya kno, sure if I was just a friend or not an immediate family, but they birthed me and how he beat up me mam affected me so badly that it’s still in my brain making me paranoid about my own relationships. I am sadly their daughter.

He told me that I wouldn’t understand him anyway. And I told him that he should answer me properly anyway, instead of just sending me a link to a video about life.

So now I’m just slowly gathering intel from people back home about what they know about him so I can judge whether there’s still a chance of us talking.

Jk I know it’s all futile, trying to get a narcissist to care about his own daughter(s).

I had a falling out with someone I lived with for almost two years.

It’s very easy to just go “oh it’s all their fault and I didn’t do anything wrong”. It’s easy to just remember the bad things other people have done because it means it’s easier to hate them so you can mask the pain of not being their friend anymore.

To be honest, I just don’t really care anymore. I tried very hard to just stay out of the conflict between “my fiancé” and my friend...but in the end, I feel like me and “my fiancé” have been moulded into one person in their eyes. It was very stressful that in the last moments I tried to arrange to speak with them on my day off about how the situation was affecting me...but they won’t stop talking about “my fiancé”.

I realised that I’ve let them dictate what happens in the house most of the time because that would be less trouble for me. Which has apparently caused my lungs to just be consistently fucked because we can’t leave a window open to let aid circulate in the house. I only realised this since my new place gets to breathe and I haven’t been coughing like a 40 year old smoker.

They want me to have open communication with them...I lived in a home where I wasn’t allowed to voice out what I want unless I want to be punished. So it is very difficult for me to do that, I mean, I’m still trying to improve my communication skills with “my fiancé”.

When I’m angry, I can’t think of any healthy ways of releasing it. I know them in theory: going for a walk, writing my thoughts down, etc...But when I get angry I know it means I’ve tried to ignore something for a while and that it has festered and I feel a very bad knot vibrating in my chest and the only release is to scream. Followed by hitting and hurting myself by punching myself, kicking things hard so I could feel pain on my legs. This triggers them. I don’t mean to. I always try to keep my anger in all the time because it’s bad when I am angry.

I always try to make myself as small as I can. To always get along with everyone. But making myself small apparently has a limit...and when I went over my limit I tried to kill myself. They’re not the sole reason why I got suicidal. There was the fire in the amazon, and I was just generally stressed with the whole world. It was just in retrospect that I realised that factor.

I had 2 massive suicide attempts when I lived in that place. The first one I didn’t tell them. “My fiancé” wrestled my scissors off my hands to stop me from stabbing and cutting myself whilst I was trying to hang myself. Wild, I know. Sometimes I wish he didn’t notice what I was doing while he was asleep so I didn’t have to experience anymore pain. Lul. The second one I told them, because I was trying to communicate, but then I felt guilty then afterwards because of how it affected them.

I wasn’t comfortable that the household problems get broadcasted on Twitter. That’s what I was gonna talk to them about but it fell through. Being labelled as an asshole by a friend to strangers on the internet. I made one post about the whole household being a disability olympics and they get upset.

I think the biggest moment that made me realise that I have been making myself too small was getting given out about how I play video games the wrong way. And seeing them get visibly upset and angry while they watch “my fiancé”, who’s got a very useless sense of direction, well...get lost in the video game. And then when I tried to explain myself further by messaging them...they just ignore it completely.

I know I am not faultless. That their feelings are legitimate.

It was unfortunate that our neuroses and triggers don’t mash well. It’s like a poisonous tea.

That situation was driving me insane.

I had to prioritise protecting my sanity because of how they affected me.

I’m trying to move forward from the whole experience.