My Soul is Golden

Had something that should have been mildly upsetting completely unravel me recently. Really cracked open a geode of trauma

Good God I am completely enchanted by my man and mortified that I can't be a flawless angel in his eyes because he has been there while I cried so hard I made myself nauseous. and damn I wish I could be a porcelain deity for him to worship but he sees my humanity and has devoted himself to this version of me I wish I could hide, not because any of her traits are bad, I would never hate them on anybody else, but simply that she is real. I missed the exact moment but he has been walking around loving a version of me that's been stripped of any fakeness or show and kept loving her without missing a beat... Like how the fuck

There should be a warning system for when someone is about to reach 10,000 hours in your life and become an expert on you. Sick of being blindsided.

Really reveling in my own righteous yet impotent rage tonight. Sickly satisfied with the unreasonable amount of vitriol I'm bringing to this imaginary argument

Currently; toxically trying to justify my desire to mold a man into a perfect partner because I want better for my friend then for myself......I think I've been spotted doing this and probably look like a hypocrite. Am I trying to overcompensate for feeling like two other girls were lost to the trenches? She doesn't even see the sacrifice she's making for him, it's almost too abstract to confront at all. Bodies and boundaries and religion and feminism and autonomy are so big and complex, I have to keep telling myself or I'll give in to the urge to start an actual fight just because I feel justified by some savior urge.

Thank you to the people who work night shifts. Especially the ones who like working that time slot....

Why can't I just accept that my friend can love me and still have their faith. I shouldn't sift through my loved ones traits with a fine mesh to find something to fight so that their affection for me can live in a perfect glass castle, where I've landscaped everything ahead of time to give my personality a protective garden in their heart. I'm trying to fight God by making him a weed.

I want to bottle and sell the brain juice that made me think my living situation wasn't as bad as it was for so long. Wtf was that

Haven't you ever deliberately set your love for something down knowing that even if you might hold it again, it's still going to be a ghost to you?