$$$

when my dad moved away from home he needed a place to live, so he went to look at this one potential apartment. the only questions the landlady asked him were where he was born and when. when my dad told him, the landlady pulled out this huuuge astrology chart book. she looked at it for a long time in silence and finally said, “acceptable”

this is funny and awful at the same time

Rb if you wanna complain about men and eat cheese with Winona Ryder

whom else here gay and craving physical affection can i get a yeehaw

the amount of time i laughed at this/how inexplicably hilarious it is provides a perfect illustration of how the internet has destroyed my sense of humor

understanding a joke based on ancient philosophical discourse means that your sense of humor is pretty smart imo   

I mean Diogenes' antics ain't really a secret lmao.

Yeah, that’s usually how people responded to seeing them in the Bible…

There’s a good reason why angels’ standard greeting is ‘Do not be afraid’.

😟😟

😳😳😳😳😳

I’d definitely trust them to fight and tear Devils apart I mean look at them, you can’t fuck with that.

the Smithsonian sucks because they wont let me chew on the dinosaur bones

That’s because the ones they let you see aren’t real, they’re plaster molds and taste really bad. If you get a job there one of the benefits is they show you where the real bones are and let you gnaw on them.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen were at my house party and all they did was stand in the corner and blink in sync with each other. At one point I saw Mary-Kate put a cigarette to her mouth and take a long drag, then Ashley blew out the smoke.

free him

LOGGED THA FUQQ IN

ghost in the shell