Scraps from the Brain of a Wanderer

you’re lying on mossy forest floors, slowly transforming into a nymph, your fingers are turning into flower vines, your limbs are bleeding honey & growing thick skins of sepia bark, wings sprout in between your shoulder blades. your breath sounds like the wind. fireflies litter the air above you

you’re hold up in an abandoned church, outside there’s a raging storm & a horde of zombies roaming around, pressing up against the entrance doors. you & a small band of survivors are staying inside for the night in hopes to ride the bad weather out. you take first watch & listen to these tunes on an old ipod while everyone else tries to get some rest & the undead crawl outside, awaiting the taste of human flesh.

you’re in your boyfriend’s pickup. he’s asleep in the passenger seat, you’re driving without a destination in mind & you have the window down as you let the cool night air whip against your face in a state of pleasant delirium you’re on a rooftop somewhere, there’s 5 am air on your skin, streetlights glint like coins at the bottom of wishing wells from where you sit. you’re feeling peaceful for the first time all week

you’re lying in the middle of a crop circle forty miles from your grandma’s old house waiting for aliens to come and abduct you

it’s four pm in the afternoon and you’ve got your head in the lap of the only boy you’ve ever loved & you’re reading jane eyre & he’s sipping on tea & it’s the kind of weather where it’s just warm enough for you to pretend it’s summer & it’s drizzling & you’re listening to the rain beat softly against the windowpanes you’re curled up in bed as it pours outside, there’s a citywide blackout and the last candle you had left has finally blown out, but you feel strangely at peace within the warm, all-consuming dark

Most people know about the obvious signs that you’re in a cult — you know the ones: 

an emphasis on complete trust in/loyalty/devotion to the group’s spiritual leader or founder, etc. 

a relentless emphasis on giving money to the group

a sense that everyone seems weirdly too happy

the practice of love bombing

being encouraged to isolate yourself from your other friends/family

being told anyone not in the group is an enemy / on the outside / not to be trusted (which also makes it impossible for critical thinking about what the group is doing to you to reach you without being automatically discounted)

being discouraged from talking about the group or its internal goings-on

the higher levels of the group’s governance being hidden except to only a few elite members

an emphasis on extreme groupthink / being discouraged to ask critical questions of the group or question its direction of the leaders directly

These are really well-known red flags, but often cults work initially on a much more insidious level to indoctrinate users. By the time the person is really being pressured to isolate themselves from their friends and family, for example, they’re often in too deep, and worn down too spiritually and mentally, to be able to rationally evaluate what’s happening to them. The phrase ‘mind control’ gets tossed around a lot, but cults really do break down your mental ability to fight back. And this happens early and often and systematically, until you’re in over your head. 

So how to twig to dangerous signs of indoctrination before it gets to that point? Here are some less well-known signs that you might be in a cult-like or otherwise seriously dysfunctional, potentially dangerous social group. I want to stress that this list is compiled entirely based on my own personal experience with cults and cult-like groups (which is probably more extensive than most people’s). And I especially want to stress that you don’t have to be in a “cult” to become the victim of these kinds of social groups — they can materialize very easily given the right ingredients, regardless of what activity the group is built around. These signs can appear in a group as small as two people. They’re still dysfunctional and dangerous and should be seen as red flags.

If your group is like this, you might be in a cult (or headed there):

Pressure to Level Up: You have a default leader or set of leaders who serve as mentors for the others in the group, and there’s a persistence emphasis on ‘leveling up’ to become group leaders also. 

Bombardment: Your leaders frequently bombard you with questions, and often repeat the same questions to you over and over again even after you’ve given them answers, insisting that you keep answering until you give them the ‘correct’ answer. This tactic creates mental fatigue and dependence in the subject and keeps the subject too exhausted and worn down to resist or think too critically about what the leaders are trying to teach you.

Negging: The group leaders use lots and lots of negging — that is, they consistently negatively challenge your assumptions about yourself or your level of knowledge about a given topic —in order to get you to constantly admit that you’re wrong and that they have more to teach you.

Urgency: The group seems to be constantly operating under a sense of urgency — either the urgency of your own personal development, the urgency of meeting a shared group goal, the urgency of an upcoming event or project, or some other urgent issue. 

Crisis: Adjacent to the idea of urgency is the idea of crisis — you as an individual are constantly pushed to recognize that you are in crisis and need the group to help you, and you are constantly being urged to help others in the group who are in crisis. This can also lead to a subsequent fake “high” when you’ve addressed and conquered (momentarily) whatever this immediate crisis is — but there’s always a new crisis moment around the corner.

Competition: In addition to leveling up, there’s also a side-emphasis on competition between the lower level group members — the leaders will play favorites, manipulate you and pit you against one another, then abruptly you may find yourself out of favor without any explanation, scrambling to get back into the leader’s good graces. Again, all of this is about keeping you on edge and emotionally dependent.

No sleep: A common pattern of behavioral dependency is that, in the middle of all the bombardment, urgency, crises, intense mandatory group bonding, and pressure to compete for affection, group members are encouraged to get little sleep. If your group meetings regularly start super-early in the morning and/or last until extreme hours in the evening, it’s a red flag. It seems especially common for the bombardment sessions — where you’re bombarded with exhausting hours of questions — to last into the late hours, until you’re exhausted.

Exhaustion/stress: you constantly feel mentally/emotionally exhausted and drained after spending time with the group, even if you’ve had incredible highs while you’re with them. (This is your body’s way of ringing all the alarms at once, telling you to get the fuck out.)

Here’s another more granular list of red flags to watch for.

If you think you might be in a cult or want to talk to someone about another potentially harmful group you’re in, your best bet is to 1) talk to an old friend or family member not affiliated with the group and work out an exit plan; 2) find and talk to a cult recovery therapist near you. (Many cult recovery groups are also run by churches, which I would recommend you avoid, at least while you’re breaking away from the group.) And you can IM me at any time.

If anyone else out there has experience with cults or knows other resources for anyone trying to leave them please feel free to reblog and pass on your own tips!

Invasions of privacy, or measures taken to prevent you from having privacy in the first place

Teaching that privacy is bad for your well-being

Treating close friendships between individuals as a threat to the group

Encouraging you to share private information about other people

Group leaders/higher members routinely breaching confidentiality

Not permitting you to point out anything negative about higher members, even when they are very blatantly doing something wrong

Emphasis on confession and absolution.

Pressure to confront your friends and relatives in ways that are unlikely to do anything productive, but very likely to isolate you and make you more dependent on the group.

Being told to read something incomprehensible every time you ask a question. Being belittled if you admit to not understanding it.”

THESE.

When I was involved in bad!feminism, I confronted my family members on EVERYTHING because I worried I was “hurting women” if I didn’t.

My mom lived through the second wave. But I couldn’t hear it when she said “that’s a stretch,” because if I let myself believe it, I’d “hurt women.”