AwakenTheMusic

Some serious 'honeymoon' energy.

___

Prompt: How Hawaiian

hate read

but you could also be

their guilty pleasure

or

so who am i, then, to speak about softness. it's been years since i touched a blade like that, but i still wear the scars in the summer. i know i could get in my car and drive off the face of the map but instead i get in my car and i visit my friends. i could kill myself i suppose but how could i ever explain that absence to my dog, and besides - i haven't been to my own wedding yet.

all i know about softness i learned from the bottom of a sharp pit. there's a younger, hungry version of me, a growling tiger still unsated. every gentle thing is still alien to her. she doesn't understand the concept; it is abhorrent. she thinks it's boring. she thinks it's letting go. she snarls: i made a promise. we would rather burn out than go quiet, remember? i made a promise i would rip all the meaning from this life like a peach pit.

this is the meaning, beloved: today there are cherries waiting for me to eat them. i put my hand on warm moss while on the phone with shannon. i made a new matcha recipe today, and it's quite delicious. tomorrow i'm going to get in my car and instead of screaming or crashing it or disappearing, i am going to go visit my cousin.

in my youth i think i wanted to be loved like a bent needle - under the skin, permanent, an emotional scarification. i have been in the middle of broken glass my whole life. i think i replaced the concept of peace with the numb fear at the edge of a knife.

i know now i can only be loved as far as the sound travels, otherwise it's all just echo. i want to be loved like a purring cat, quiet and gentle. although she's still romanceable, i generally steer clear of blue-winged strife. she sits in the dark corners of my room, pouting, and i teach her how to do the laundry and get to work on time.

i think john winchester was homophobic.

but that's the thing about the 1980s and 90s. like.... everything was homophobic. the TV was homophobic, the radio was homophobic, the government was homophobic, the schools were homophobic.

john was raising his kids during the height and aftermath of the aids crisis. even being about 10 years younger than dean and being raised in a blue state, the water i was swimming in was homophobic. every adult in my life was homophobic and they weren't even marine vets who *volunteered* for vietnam (read: heavily correlated with conservative views)

i think sometimes being in the 2020s when so much has changed (but not enough!) is that most of the homophobes I encounter these days are virulent. they're clinging to a hateful ideology with fervor even as it slips out of the cultural norm. they're vocal; they're saying slurs; they feel strongly; it's a big part of their personalities.

now, i don't think that's john winchester.

but it doesn't have to be. in order for john not to be raising his kids in a homophobic environment, he would have had to be intentional pro-gay counter talk. and he wasn't doing that. that requires an amount of care and attention to his kids' environment and emotions that john was demonstrably, canonically just not doing.

i don't see john going on big anti-gay rants and i don't necessarily see him threatening to kick dean out forever if he caught him with a boy. but we know he *would* kick dean out for some stuff so i'm not ruling out some kind of isolation based punishment. but like john doesn't have to be Big Homophobe by today's standards. he was just raising his kids absolutely horribly during a time when homophobia was a fucking cultural cancer.

all it would take to make john a homophobic parent is one or two comments from him - not even about dean or sam - but about gay people in general or some news story or some hate crime and boom, he's shown himself aligned with the culture. and the culture is homophobic.

that feels obscenely plausible to me.

dean was 15 when don't ask don't tell became the law. and that *incredibly homophobic* law was actually an attempt at reducing the amount of homophobic policies in the us military*. and you learn a hell of a lot before you're 15.......

and this is all stuff i think without taking into account most of supernatural and analyzing the behaviors of dean closeted winchester. i think there's a lot of reasons why dean's closeted. and he's not just about his sexuality but about so many of his other desires and wants - like his desire for a family, or a peaceful life not hunting, or feelings of worth beyond what he can offer of himself to other people. and i can tell you right now john had a big impact on dean not getting - and not feeling like he could even vocalize wanting - those ones. the sexuality part just doesn't even feel like a leap.

#I think the best case scenario is that john verbally expressed some don’t ask don’t tell style views #(ie “I don’t give a shit what they do in private so long as they keep it to themselves and don’t rock the boat”) #which is still VERY MUCH homophobia #also. when you are a kid with an unstable parent you learn to read into everything they do because reading and anticipating them is critical #to your safety. so a few looks of disapproval or a comment in line with the general culture or simply what he DOESN'T say is more than #enough to have a huge impact on dean. like whether john meant anything by the nuns birthday case or not dean definitely read into it. #because he was a closeted teenager with an unpredictable father who we know from s1 expected dean to be able to intuit his meaning #from behavior and very limited communication (and also used cases to send messages if you count something wicked) - @kinky-cas

older sam: “don’t move!” —then, to older cas— “is he lying? can he really do that? there’s, like, three hundred armies in there.”

older cas, admitting through gritted teeth: “he can.”

younger cas tips his chin arrogantly, throwing a proud glance over at older dean and younger dean

older sam: “i don’t remember you being this bad. are we really gonna let him go—?”

and YOUNGER CAS is like, (haughtily) "You fool. I am a BILLION YEARS OLD."

via @deangirlism101

SCREAM

older dean: *after a big-reaction to younger dean letting it slip, then telling him that no no nope that’s not how it is with the older selves, he starts to squirm*

……..so uh????

younger dean: spit it out

adding this by @valdelion

“

”

//

OMG

like, every time their younger counterparts walk into the room, the temperature rises at least ten degrees and they keep sassing and goading one another and licking their lips and staring at each other’s lips and and older dean is like *criiiinge*

Sam: "The spell remains indicate it's time tr—"

Dean: "WELL for once I know for a fact me and Cas weren't like that "

*shot of younger Dean and Cas having a Moment™ by the moonlit windows, intense staring, eyes tracking lips, no personal space, air sizzling, the whole nine *

Older Sam & Younger Sam, in unison: *unimpressed scoff*

Younger Sam: "Dean, with the stuff they know about us, about dad, they're definitely—"

Younger Dean: "Man, I don't know, they're weird. Just. Up in each other's business. What's up with that?"

*shot of older Dean and Cas through convenience store windows, Dean glued to Cas' back, hand on his shoulder, perusing the aisles while bickering about candy flavors*

Younger Cas, appearing behind Dean's ear: "Dean. I sensed you might need me."

via @deangirlism101

SCREAM

older dean: *after a big-reaction to younger dean letting it slip, then telling him that no no nope that’s not how it is with the older selves, he starts to squirm*

……..so uh????

younger dean: spit it out

adding this by @valdelion

“

”

//

OMG

like, every time their younger counterparts walk into the room, the temperature rises at least ten degrees and they keep sassing and goading one another and licking their lips and staring at each other’s lips and and older dean is like *criiiinge*

Sam: "The spell remains indicate it's time tr—"

Dean: "WELL for once I know for a fact me and Cas weren't like that "

*shot of younger Dean and Cas having a Moment™ by the moonlit windows, intense staring, eyes tracking lips, no personal space, air sizzling, the whole nine *

Older Sam & Younger Sam, in unison: *unimpressed scoff*

Younger Sam: "Dean, with the stuff they know about us, about dad, they're definitely—"

Younger Dean: "Man, I don't know, they're weird. Just. Up in each other's business. What's up with that?"

*shot of older Dean and Cas through convenience store windows, Dean glued to Cas' back, hand on his shoulder, perusing the aisles while bickering about candy flavors*

Younger Cas, appearing behind Dean's ear: "Dean. I sensed you might need me."