soulgasm [sohl gaz-uh m]

Found my journal from years ago.  Apparently, I have strong intuition. 

When I caught him in his lie in late June 2018, he confessed to a few more and said he had been lying to me since 2010 about his “recreational and inconsistent” drug use. “Its cultural” 

It is not cultural to lie over and over about the same thing. To never give someone the chance to be told the truth. He didn’t allow me the respect to decide. He lied to protect himself “from losing me” and then asks for a divorce. That’s not culture - that’s selfish. 

My intuition tells me he is lying about more. It doesn’t matter now as long as I stay done with him. 

What kind of man loves like this? 

Dear 2011 Bridgette, there is such thing as a trustworthy relationship. 2019 Bridgette is trusting herself and having the best relationship ever. Where shall I go? What shall I do? 

The Executioner is Within Me and he comes Blindfold Ready 

Every time I try to bring it down You always turn my head around But every time I try to bring it down You always turn my head around 

Make up your mind

Let me leave or let me love you

While you've been saving your neck I've been breaking mine for you The power is on, the guillotine hums My back's to the wall, go on, let it fall Make up your mind Before I make it up for you

Months we had been in therapy, what I thought was making small progress but every time I felt hopeful - he pulled away more. “I’m not moving back in” “I want off the bills and lease” I told him I wouldn’t be bled minute and moment with him. So with a strength I had not known, I asked “What do you want, do you want a divorce?”  The Executioner is within me and he comes blindfold ready.                                 He said Yes.   

He said Yes. When I proposed to get married. I loved him like no other but I was facing my visa ending in Australia and the need to work, so I asked “will you marry me so I can stay?” he said Yes. 

He always answers my questions but this destruction didn’t happen because he wasn’t obliging, it was because he said Yes and meant No. He lied to me for 10 years about a hobby/preference/ a choice. His inability to say the truth for his own well being led us down a marriage of resentment that I had no idea was there. 

I never knew you could grieve the living, the love, the current loss. 

I am still grieving. My ex and I separated in July and officially declared divorce in November. Yet and still I awoke today in late December wondering “how could you let us go?” 

I’ve spent so much time thinking about my part in the relationship, his part and the coming to terms that this is life. There will always be better or worse days. 

He reached out to “catch up.” I said no, not without a 3rd party present (therapy/mediator) because in my mind, my beautiful hopeful mind, he wants to reconcile. Somehow, knowing all that I know, my brain and heart haven’t heard enough. So I know I am not ready. I may never be ready to “catch up” but I do know that I can’t change his mind and that I have to accept the reality. It’s done. 

It still seems like it all means forever, the grief tells me forever sadness. I know that’s not true now. I have seen light, many joyous moments to be proud of. I need to list them so I can remind myself that grief isn’t truth, it’s just the adjustment period to loss.

My joys since July:

1) Went camping and hiking by myself in Big Bear

2) Went snowboarding in Aspen. Spent time with a dear friend there and took time to be alone.

3) Having meditated for 207 days in a row - every morning at the least.

4) Joined Class Pass and tried different types of workouts, now love Barre!

5) Found my Al-Anon homes, friends, fellows and a progress in understanding and loving myself.

6) Became closer with the broken and lost sides of myself. Built her a safe place inside of me and discovered my own power to heal.

7) Throughout it all, excelled at work. Continue to do my best. Appreciate my own work and learn that I am my worst critic and to realign the mindset to be my best cheerleader.

8) I get my nails done every month

9) I pay my bills

10) I bought myself a new snowboard, new boots, new helmet and have committed to getting to the snow as often as possible

11) Joined a work group to get up to the snow and learning to commit to their events even though commitment is petrifying 

12) Joined Pasadena Casting Club and met a new friend through it

13) My current work floor, I get to watch the sunsets each late afternoon

This song and “Consequences” among thousands of other songs make me so grateful that I can hear these songs and I find that I am not alone. 

I am grateful that my ex will have the same experiences with songs. Though I flit between anger and compassion, I fight for my ability to come from light and love. 

Sometimes it means really walking away. I just can’t speak to him yet. I don’t want to be in my darkness and he just seems to pull me there at the moment.

I was in all those modes this morning.  A new nightmare the day before my would be 7yr anniversary.  His family, will no longer be mine.  I started to mourn the past memories, the lossed new ones and the current state that the Barnsley family will no longer be mine as well.  Do they know how much I cherish them? Do they know how broken hearted I am for their son, for their friendship to be gone?  It all doesn’t matter. 

I had to work through this breakdown. Waking up to this grief and realisation of a new mourning, a new loss. When I say work through this breakdown, I mean I was crying so hard while emailing my boss and starting my day at work, luckily from home. 

I had missed a few details for my job and in the midst of this grieving I had realised my boss was given the wrong address. Despair and Fear collided and now thoughts of losing my job sprang into action. 

I tried reaching out, calling friends and fellows. No one picked up. I kept working.

My homescreen shows beautiful pictures in cycle along with a quote. This one caught my attention “Within you is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” Herman Hesse. 

I sat and meditated on that. Went into my little sanctuary that I built in my mind for what I call Little Bridgette or Bridgie. The little girl who felt alone while her mother drank, father fell asleep, brother hid in his room and sister talked to boyfriends. I am learning to comfort her. I am learning to love her. 

After a few minutes of meditation on the quote, I felt like i really needed to talk to someone - anyone but no one was around. I thought to call my therapist and realised, in the end it will only just be me that gets me through it all. So, I picked up my phone and started to record my conversation to myself. 

Traditional Edo Village in Japan at sunset -  upon arrival this is our view.

I had spent 4 months in a small village in the mountains, in Nagano area,  working for a ski school as a their sales rep. It was a great experience and I finally got to accomplish my dream: a season in the snow. I turned 30 doing it and I feel like I grow younger every day! We headed here to hike! This was at the end of the season...I had a month to travel around...mother nature sure does try to impress me often...I think we are love. 

John Muir 

Edward Abbey