im Avocado on ao3 and im a dumpster fire in real life // they/them, 30 // 18+ MINORS DNI // Feel free to say hi! 🥑 // requests closed // I block blank blogs & spam likers who don't reblog
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i don't think you guys understand the VISCERAL bodily reaction I have whenever I see Holland March grace my screen. I'm genuinely wet and shaking whenever I see someone upload something on here that is remotely related to The Nice Guys. I think Ryan Gosling was his best looking with that fuckass porno stache (along with him as Lars Lindstrom) I've never wanted something so bad in my entire life. I need it more than I need oxygen. I need Holland March to put a cigarette out on my bum. I'm not even joking. I want to lick the back of his head and live there like lice. I have GOT to get him pregnant. Genuinely tweaking at the thought of that pathetic bisexual DILF.
Holland March if you're out there, I love you. You know where home is.
you go through Ken’s browsing history and are surprised at what you find. 18+, Ken x gn!reader.
“I’m going for a run!” Ken shouts as he does his stretches at the front door. He’s in a bright pink tracksuit, far too warm for the climate outside, but he insisted he had to complete ‘the look’.
“Okay, honey. Are you wearing sunscreen?”
You hear an ‘oop’, the sound of a bottle being opened, and a wet slap as he applies it liberally.
“Uh, okay, now I’m going for a run! I’ll get you a coffee on the way back!”
“You’re a doll. I mean— well, you know what I mean,” you say as he heads out the front door.
It’s been… cute, living with Ken. After adjusting to the whole “hey I’m your childhood toy come to life and now I’m in love with you” thing, anyway. He’d do literally anything for you and that sort of dogged devotion takes some getting used to. In fact, you kinda miss him when he steps out now. Maybe you’re falling into folie a deux or whatever they call it. Folie a doll, perhaps.
You’re not dating… but you’re not not dating. It’s hard to explain.
Then you realise he’s left the laptop open.
It’s your laptop, really, but you’re mostly on your work one so he gets free rein of it. Curiosity suddenly overwhelms you. Is it bad etiquette to snoop on his browsing history? Maybe, but once again: it’s your laptop. You wanna see what your literal boy toy gets up to when you’re at work.
You sit at the table where it’s been abandoned and open up the history tab. At first it’s just the same stuff you’ve seen him looking at as you pass by every day: men’s fashion, horse compilation tiktoks, part time job vacancies involving horses…
sexy videos
That one makes you pause. Sexy videos, huh? So far Ken has been pretty, well, well-behaved about his physical needs, but you assume as he makes the transition from plastic to human that he must be having them.
Maybe you wouldn’t mind if he talked to you about that. Maybe you wouldn’t mind giving him a hand.
The search term took him to your favourite porn site, of course, and it looks like he spent some time there.
kissing
Only a guy like Ken would go on a porn site to look up kissing. You snort your amusement and keep scrolling.
couples kissing
kissing first time
loving couple
real loving couple
You feel your face soften into a smile. Oh. Of course that would be the kind of stuff he’d be into. All of his attempts at romance so far have been exceptionally traditional: bouquets of roses and candle-lit baths drawn ready when you get home from work. Unprompted massages. He wrote you a love letter once, and even though his spelling wasn’t the best, you still keep it in your bedside drawer with your other precious tchotchkes.
Tender sex couple love
“I love you” sex video
Seems like he found a couple he was into. You click on them and they’re both pretty long and intense, in a sweet way. Amateur stuff but there’s a lot of gazing into each other’s eyes and whispered affections. It’s cute. From the runtime bar at the bottom of the video, it looks like he sat through the whole of them.
submissive man praise
Your eyebrows skyrocket. That’s a turn. You didn’t know he knew that word.
blond submissive man praise
bleach blond submissive man praise
You can imagine him getting more frustrated as he tried to narrow down his search and can’t hide a grin. Looks like he got lucky with the results as there are many videos matching his descriptor on this particular site. He’s watched quite a few of them, too. Men who look uncannily like him on their knees as their dominant tells them how good they are at giving oral. You feel your cheeks get hot as you imagine doing that with him.
Does he want you to do that with him?
You’re so caught up in the scene before you that you don’t hear him open the door again.
“Forgot my water b—“
“Oh, yeah, baby boy, you’re doing so well…”
He freezes. You freeze. The people on the screen don’t freeze, and the man keeps sticking his tongue in his partner’s hole, much to their delight.
“My secret sexy videos,” whispers Ken in horror. When you aren’t angry, he doesn’t know how to react. So he just stands there.
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The knock at the door is incessant and annoying, as Rocky’s knocks always are… today, though, the two of you can probably forgive him. It’s a special morning after all.
Ryland opens the door and leans against it, though more out of exhaustion than his usually coolness. From where you sit on the bed, you can see Rocky eagerly bobbing around, affecting the human mannerism of trying to see behind someone. It’s cute, the way those two copy each other.
“We come in, question?” Rocky asks immediately. Your Eridian isn’t word-perfect - pitch-perfect, you suppose, actually - but you can make out about ninety percent of words without needing a translator.
“Not even a ‘hello’? Nice one, bud,” Ryland chuckles.
“Rocky not care about Grace, Rocky and Adrian want to see Grace mate and new human.”
“You don’t care about me! Hon, he says he doesn’t care about me, can you believe that? In our own microclimate dome.”
You roll your eyes at them both, fondly. Your new daughter stirs in your arms. When you speak, your voice is soft, so as not to wake her.
“You guys can come in, it’s okay. She’s sleeping right now.”
Adrian walks into your home calmly, using their large body to force Rocky to slow down. Even then you can hear him mutter “excite excite excite!” to himself as he bounces. Adrian holds back at the entrance to the bedroom and gives the Eridian equivalent of a best friend’s excited gasp.
“Human pebble so small! She is meant to be this small, question? She is okay, question?” Adrian asks, trotting up to your side and plonking down.
“She was a little early, but your scientists were amazing. I’m sure Earth births are far worse, honestly.”
It wasn’t easy, but you had a whole team of biologists assigned specially to you to make sure you gave birth as safely as possible. Even your “doula” was pretty great. Now your new daughter just needs to adjust to her new life in this strange world, as all babies do. Though, admittedly, her world is a little stranger than most.
Ryland sits down next to you on the bed, putting his arm around your shoulders for comfort without realising. Rocky shifts his carapace this way and that as he takes in the baby from all angles.
“Can Rocky touch, question?”
“Rocky…” warns Adrian, but you laugh gently.
“Sure, but just be gentle. She’s not as robust as me and Grace.”
“Grace not robust. Grace leak constantly. Grace leaking right now.”
You look up to see tears in Ryland’s eyes. He laughs self-consciously and wipes them away with a sleeve.
“Sorry. Just can’t get over how perfect you two look.”
He gives you a brief but tender kiss as Rocky approaches. Slowly one of his little hands comes out to run across your baby’s hair, playing with the soft patch of it she was born with. In her sleep she shifts and reaches out… grabbing onto one of Rocky’s fingers with her tight newborn grip.
“Wow, she likes you, Rock,” Ryland says.
“Amaze amaze amaze,” Rocky whispers. “Rocky never move again, not so long as pebble holding on.”
Later, you’ll ask them to be the godparents of your daughter, after a lengthy conversation about what that means. For now, though, you let her be surrounded by four people who already love her.
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A blurb in which Grace and Rocky fall into the innate masculine desire of digging a gigantic hole in the sand while you and Adrian watch.
“Is digging large hole in ground part of human mating ritual?” Adrian asks as you both sit on the artificial beach watching Grace and Rocky hard at work on said giant hole in the sand. You think about that question for a bit before answering “I don’t know.”.
Adrian turns towards you, “So what is the purpose of Grace informing (name) on progress of hole if it is not some sort of display of worth?” they ask. “Your guess is as good as mine.” you shrug, “It’s just an innate desire that all human men have in them for some reason.” you remark as you watch said man and his rock companion continue with their meaningless task.
“Is digging a hole a mating thing on Erid?” you ask.
“Creating gifts and simulated nest making to show that eridian can provide for mate, yes. Creating large hole in ground, no.” Adrian answers as they turn back to look at Rocky coming up from the hole and using his two front legs to dig and his back leg to push the sand out of the way at the new spot. “Do not know why Rocky is doing this and also updating Adrian on progress.” they claim.
As if on cue, Grace looks up to both of you a little ways away and calls out “We’re making it wider!” with a big smile on his face. “Cool!” you call back in approval and watch them go back to their labor.
“Men are such fascinating creatures. You can spend years with them and never know what’s going on inside their brains and why they do half the things they do.” you remark, focusing on the way his muscles move and flex as he does his work. You stare for a while, admiring the show for a while only to hear Adrian letting out a long rumbling hum. A sound that you have learned is the hum of an Eridian basically checking someone out.
“Grace and Rocky look good digging hole.” their translator relays.
