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swifties always going on the "you just hate women" defense like first of all Taylor Swift is not a woman she's an unskippable ad

talking like point-and-click game narration to the bugs in my room

you can't get out that way!

that's not very helpful.

maybe the open window will help.

try the open window instead.

I wish people were as scared of getting into a car accident as they are of being true crime'd. Maybe then they wouldn't be on their phones while driving.

True crime girlies will be like "wtf I would never go for a walk at night, what if the hash slinging slasher gets me" and then use their knees to merge with no turn signal in front of a semi while applying makeup with both hands

Crawling out of my grave to rub my eyes sleepily, grimace, and crawl back in for another five minutes. 

”Explain yourself” followed by “stop making excuses” has always baffled me because the fuck you think explaining myself is????

if you go looking for doom and gloom all you will see is doom and gloom. if you go looking for reduced items at the grocery store you may find a littol treat

the thing is that vibrators really do work well as personal massagers. and that makes me wonder if someone out there really is using a bong to smoke tobacco

How do I explain Plato's allegory of the cave to my cat?

gato’s allegory of the fishtank