Autistic2000sMidwest

My whole life I moved from school to school, to school, 7 different ones in total. And each school I stayed at, I didnt make friends. Not because I didn't try, but because I was just....weird. until I was like 12, I really tried to fit in with everyone else and not be so odd. But the people I hung out with in doing so, did not get me still. I could talk to them and have a good enough time, but I still had to put on a sort of charade. Over exagerate my personality to keep their interest. So when Id go home, I was left alone with the fact that I still didnt have friends. Only friends that liked the exaggerated version of myself I showed them. And even then, it wasnt enough. I was never anyone's first choice no matter how I tried.

I do the same thing with family, every gathering thats hosted, I immediately step into the version of myself that is for them. As I got older and stopped trying, I got more and more comments says..."we miss how you used to be" followed up by some snide remark.

Even with that, if anyone does read this, your thoughts may be, "Well, everyone does that! Everyone changes how they act according to who they talk to."

And you'd be right, they do. But its more so that even with that effort, people still look at me as an outsider, even if Ive known them for years. They hate it when I dont understand a cue that wasn't explained before and they hate when I talk about anything that isn't the most surface level thing ever. They hate the way I look, and talk and live my life even if Ive only shown them a sterilized version. I can see it on everybody's face when I talk to them that they've already have me put in a box of too weird to get along with. When I have expressed this it is always met with,

"Noo...not really, nobody thinks of you like that!"

When i was like 16 I did experments all the time, how long will it take for people to notice I've just stopped talking? If someone else joins the conversation, how long till I'm kicked out of it? If I dont ask if anything is planned, will I still be invited?

The answer to them was always conclusive. No one cared if I stuck around or not, in fact often times it felt like they were relieved. And at this point. Well. If all these people don't care if they have a conversation with me or not, the issue has got to be with me! To answer some blaring questions, I don't talk about crazy things around people, I dont insult anyone I actually go out of my way to be nice, but not too nice. I dont do anything that would definitely make people not like me.

I am just not palatable.

But Im lucky, when I was 9 I met one of my first real friends, and have stuck with them ever since. They are the only one I've ever met that if I talk to them, doesn't require any sort of version of myself. Just, me. And they've expressed the same feeling. Both them and they brother.