E PERDONERAI.

The monitors hum in the background, the rhythmic beeping has become white noise to you at this point. It’s been quite some time since you’ve had to use methods such as actual medicine to keep one of your colleagues alive. Thankfully, you’ve never let yourself get too comfortable in using your vital instrument—you were well aware that one day you may not be able to use it.

All of your training and constant volunteering at Alice’s clinic has kept you familiar with the most recent practices, though. So, you’re more than confident in your extensive medical knowledge. “No student of mine is gonna fall behind just because of some damn trinket, especially not one as brilliant as you, girl.” Alice’s brain rattling voice rings in your head very loud and clear.

You just never expected to have to use this knowledge on your own partner.

The idiot in question, decided to break a promise he made to you a while back and put himself in harm's way. The worst part about it? You can’t even bring yourself to be angry with him, because if it were you in his shoes, you probably would’ve made the same exact decision. 

You still don’t know what you’re going to tell Enjin when he wakes up. The Hellguard took Rudo, the boy Enjin found and promised to look out for. How the hell are you supposed to explain that in a way that will keep him calm?

You’ve gone through several scenarios in your head and have come to the harsh realization that there’s no way to soften this blow.

He woke up briefly after the sedation you’d given him wore off but he was so out of it you don’t think he was comprehending anything that was happening let alone anything that was being said to him. In his drowsy state he was only awake for maybe thirty minutes before completely konking out. Now he’s been asleep for well over eight hours, his face an amusing sight of partially opened lids and drool dribbling down the left side of his opened mouth. Small puffs of air pushing past his lips, causing them to tremble and make a noise akin to snoring. 

You’ve been monitoring him this entire time, not allowing yourself any sort of respite. Sure, you’re exhausted—having witnessed the events of the Doll Festival yourself, how could you not be? However, you didn’t do nearly as much as the rest of your colleagues.

You could have done more.

You should have done more.

Maybe if you could get over the fear that looms over you like a dark cloud every time you use the combatant part of your vital instrument—if you could just trust in your own abilities to be cautious enough—then maybe you could have been more helpful. Even just staying with Eishia would have done more good. But no, instead you found yourself taking the selfish route, chasing after someone who clearly had no intention of being saved. 

The Savior: Enjin.

It pisses you off. He makes it his priority to help others and bring them together, he’s always so matter of fact about it when it’s brought up, like it’s always been the most natural thing for him. But it begs the question: who helps him and who makes him feel like he’s a part of something? Bringing others together has to feel lonely when you’re watching it from the outside. 

Making sacrifices for the sake of others isn’t as noble as he thinks it is.

“You look like you haven’t slept in days.” His voice comes out horse, rougher than just his usual sleep riddled tone. 

It startles you at first and your head snaps in his direction—at some point your gaze had wandered over to the window, stuck in your own thoughts as you completely zoned out, far from paying attention to what was going on with his status. 

You should scold him and yell at him and maybe even cry, but he’s right. You’re exhausted and the relief flooding your system now knowing that he’s really okay doesn’t help. The adrenaline you’ve been running on officially emptying its tank. You’ll scold him later, you decide, read him the riot act after getting some proper rest. 

For now, you smile at him tiredly, an amused puff of air slipping past your lips.

“Yeah, well whose fault is that, now?”

He lets out a chuckle, watching you for a beat with a soft smile and tired eyes. “Couldn’t be me, I’ve never caused trouble for ya a day in my life. Wouldn’t dream of it.”

You roll your eyes at him but can’t help the snort you let out. That’s rich, coming from the man who has been nothing but trouble for you since the day you two met. Despite that, you do hope he’ll continue to be trouble for you for many years to come. You’ve, unfortunately, become quite accustomed to it. You think, maybe, your life would even become a little dull and boring without it.

“Nah, it was just some idiot with a stupid hero complex.” You try to keep your voice light, but the exhaustion makes it crack in a way that has you cringing internally.

It’s the slightest shift, barely even noticeable, but Enjin catches it immediately. His expression softens and then shifts into something akin to guilt. So now he feels bad—feels a little too late for that now, or…on your end at least it does. He did what he did without any regards for his safety or wellbeing, without any regards for the people who would be affected by him paying a price this steep. His impulsivity at times like this is the most frustrating thing in the world.

But that’s not why your voice cracks.

It’s the relief flooding over you, it’s no longer just coming in waves but in a constant flow that’s overwhelming you and sucking you into it current. Pushing and pulling at your heart and your mind with ease in your especially vulnerable (and barely conscious) state. You can feel the effects of that start to show as your waterline fills with unspilled tears.

You need to go to sleep, you don’t have the energy to have any sort of heavy conversation with him right now. You can barely string together a single thought, let alone string sentences together to have a whole discussion. And even though Enjin just woke up from resting, the reality of this situation is that he needs far more rest. You can talk about everything after you both get more rest, Rudo included.

Enjin opens his mouth to say something but you manage to be quick enough to cut him off before he even starts. “Do me a favor? Don’t ever do that shit again, got it? Semiu threatened to kill you herself if this didn’t take you out. You know how long it took me to get her to chill the fuck out?”

The blonde chuckles nervously and by the way he’s watching you (carefully—like if he even breathes the wrong way you’ll completely shatter), you can tell he’s concerned. You hope he has enough sense to leave it be for now because even if he does try to press the issue, he’s not going to get the result he’s looking for.

“She was that worried for me, huh? That’s gonna be an expensive apology. What about you?” 

Yeah, you forgot one crucial thing about this man: he’s an idiot. “What about me?”

“You stayed here the entire time, didn’t you.” He doesn’t phrase it as a question, but more like an observation—the confidence in that statement makes you pause for a moment, just a little stunned by it. “You were there already, heard me tell them not to call you…”

An idiot that doesn’t ever let anything get past him. 

You hum distractedly, your gaze distant. You’re tired. “Yeah, sure was. I was the one to patch you up on the field too. Was the one that had to monitor you. To make sure you didn’t die on our way to the Southern Branch. To make every medical decision to assure you didn’t die. Then if all of that still wasn’t enough, I’d have to figure out how to come to terms with the fact that I didn’t do enough. So, don’t do that shit again. Got it?”

Enjin swallows thickly and you’re not sure if it’s because of the pain in his neck or because reality is setting in. The gravity of his actions finally lifting off your shoulders and settling onto his. You watch this broad and tall man shrink into himself a little and it doesn’t bring you a lick of satisfaction but it does give you a sense of peace, knowing that he’s fully aware of what he did.

“Got it.” His voice is sincere, more sincere than you’ve heard it in a while. 

You nod. “Good. Now scoot over. It’s about time I get some sleep.”

He doesn’t even blink at the request, listening to your instruction and scooting to the side you're motioning to. He’s still hooked up to an IV and you don’t wanna mess with that, but you can’t just leave him here all on his own. Sure, you could use one of the other med bay beds but you don’t think you’ll be able to fall asleep without his warmth enveloping you. You’re careful not to jostle him when you climb into the tight space, thinking to yourself that you probably shouldn’t be doing this. 

You’re too tired to care.

Enjin doesn’t move much, but he reaches out to you with his pinky, searching for yours. A habit the two of you picked up. And just like any other habit, you instinctively reach out and link your own digit around his. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I know.”

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