August Joy

** Indicates Smut/Smut adjacent. Strikethrough Indicates coming soon Blue Indicates Request Red Indicates potentially triggering content

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He could see it, feel it, he could taste it. In the way you spoke, the way you moved…hell even in the way you breathed. The distance. He knew there was a distance growing. Distance that he had put there, that he had been the cause of. The distance was killing him, eating away at him leaving a deep, dark guilt in its path of destruction through his soul.

Michael wanted to be happy. He craved it desperately, specifically with you, but his mind, the guilt, it wouldn’t allow it. His heart had been locked away a long time ago, disapproving of any kind of joy that tried to worm its way in. His favorite moments had been those shared with you, your smile, your laugh, your light, it clouded over the despair looming below the surface.

Darkness was something Michael had resigned himself to a long time ago. After losing Adamson he was left worse for wear, putting his everything into his work, refusing to lose another patient if he could help it. He wouldn’t accept anything less than greatness in his ED, which is why he was so hard on his staff.

Heather had ended things because he refused to get help, he refused to open up, trust her, and let her in…beyond the walls he’d put up years prior. After she had ended things, he thought that was it, he’d never find love or be truly happy again. But, then he met you. Meeting you was like getting whiplash, it happened so fast and left him aching for days after. He had yearned to see you again, to just be in your presence, so when it finally did happen, it was a sweet relief.

Things really had been good at first. You were young and bright-eyed, yet to be truly hardened by the horrors this world had to offer. You were sunshine, all glowing and warm, but then, Michael’s worst nightmare became his reality. He slowly saw the rain clouds move in and dull your light. He watched his darkness creep in and capture you, it had taken you hostage and refused to let you go. There had been so many signs, that you were hurting, that he was hurting you, but he didn’t think he would survive it if he let you go.

He knew the right thing would be to let you go.

--

“Mikey, you can’t keep doing this. If you don’t talk to someone, I’m afraid the guilt is going to kill you.”

“Maybe you should go then.”

“What? Michael I’m not having this conversation again.”

“No, I’m serious. You should go, stay away from me. I can see what this relationship is doing to you. What I’m doing to you.”

“I can’t stay away from you. Mikey I love you.”

How could you love someone he despised so much?

--

As your relationship progressed, you’d opened up to him, told him about your tumultuous relationship with your mother, about your abusive ex-boyfriend, told him about your struggle with your own mental health. How you’d sought out therapy after being assaulted, and how going on meds had helped you regulate your emotions. Something your body had been neglecting for far too long.

You told him everything, but he gave you nothing. You hadn’t learned anything about him…nothing of substance anyway. You knew that his favorite color was hunter green, that he liked his coffee with a little bit of cream and sugar (not that he’d tell anyone that), he loved watching 80s romantic comedies, his favorite meal was a good steak and a loaded baked potato…but you wanted to know more. You only learned about Adamson because Michael had gotten wasted one night and cried in your arms about it, you’d never brought it up. You wanted him to tell you about his grandmother, and his childhood, his dreams.

You hadn’t pushed at first. You wanted to give him time, to earn his trust, but after nearly 18 months of dating, you’d gotten pretty much nowhere.

--

“I’m just asking you to open up. I feel like I barely know you.”

“Baby, you know me better than anyone.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it Mike. Jack knows the most about you, then probably Dana…and at this point I’m pretty sure Dennis knows more about you than I do. I’m not trying to push you, but how is this meant to work if you don’t trust me enough to open up?”

“What are you saying?”

“I’m not saying anything. I just – I want you to talk to me. I want to know you.” You pleaded.

“If you really knew me, you’d hate me.” His voice raised slightly.

“I wish I hated you!” You shouted. “But I can’t. Jesus. Michael I love you so much it hurts. The thought of not waking up by your side makes me physically sick.” Tears were streaming freely now. “Baby, I see how much you’re hurting, I just wish you felt like you could open up, you might feel lighter if you did.”

Michael pulled you into him. Gripping you tightly against him. The two of you stayed there for a moment, just holding one another, both of you allowing the tears to fall.

“I’m sorry sweetheart.”

--

After that night he started to feel you pulling away. You stopped trying so hard to learn more about him. Decided that pushing him only led to fighting, and that wasn’t worth it anymore. Michael felt himself break a bit at that fact. He had loved how persistent you’d always been, always encouraging him to show his emotions, to let down his walls. You’d told him you’d always be there for him, no matter what. But now, he’d taken it for granted, for too long. You, like everyone else, decided it wasn’t worth it to stick around. At least that’s what his mind was telling him.

What he didn’t know was that you felt that he was more than worth it. Michael was your everything, you’d done everything you could to show him every day that you loved him. You wanted nothing more than to build a future with him, but you couldn’t do that if he didn’t trust you. Even more so if he didn’t trust himself.

You didn’t want him to go to therapy for you. You wanted him to do it for himself. Michael has held this guilt for so long, you just wanted him to let go of some of that weight, to talk to someone about Adamson and work through those emotions. He was the best man you knew, and he deserved to see that for himself.

--

It had been another long night. Arguing because you were feeling like Michael had been especially detached lately. Silent hot tears were streaming down your face. His ears and neck were red, his chest was rising and falling erratically.

“Sweetheart, you need to leave.” He whispered.

“What?” You gasped. “Mikey, no.”

“You need to go. Honey I see what I’m doing to you. God, when we met you were glowing, you were so bright…and now. Your light is gone, and it’s because of me. I know it is. You should find someone better. You deserve someone better.”

“I don’t – I don’t want to find someone better. Michael I want us. I just – just want us to be better.”

“What if this is all I can offer you. Can you handle that forever? For the rest of your life?”

You gently reached for his face, caressing his cheeks. “This isn’t all you can offer me though. I know it isn’t. I’ve seen you when you’re good. Baby, I know you can get better.” You were practically begging.

“I don’t know how to want to get better. I know that I love you, and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Shit, I know that I want to see you bright and shining again, I just don’t know how I can get myself to want to get better.”

“Baby, you have to do it for yourself. I know that it’s hard…before I started my meds, I just didn’t care. I was numb to everything, and I felt like it didn’t matter if I got better or not.”

“How did you do it then?”

“One day, I decided life was worth living again.” You explained. “The day I met you.”

That broke him. Michael wrapped his arms around you and let himself feel, truly feel the love you two shared. He allowed himself to feel the pain, joy, and heartache of the last few months.

--

He started therapy. It had been his choice, your admission had encouraged him to accept that you loved him and wanted a future with him, and he decided that he needed to do everything he could to keep you. To start, that meant getting his mind healthy.

At first, Michael attended individual therapy sessions, and you did the same. After a few months like this, your respective therapists suggested the two of you see a couples therapist together, to work though the guilt you each harbored for the first 18 months of your relationship. Things had been going really well, it was slow moving, but he was finally feeling okay again, and he had started opening up to you. He’d talked to you about the holiday traditions he’d celebrated with his grandmother, and he shared with you the recipe of his favorite soup she used to make. He’d talked to you about some of his childhood, and even a little bit about his parents.

He had made huge strides, and that is why you had been worried about a setback. You had news to share with him, but with how big the news was, you were worried about triggering him and causing him to regress. But it wasn’t exactly something you could hide from a doctor.

--

“Hey, can we talk about something?” You asked, hesitantly.

“Sweetheart…”

“I have some news, but I don’t want it to trigger you and cause you to backslide. You’ve been making so much progress, and I’d hate to be the reason that stops.”

“Okay, well, we need to talk about whatever it is, and if I feel triggered, I will tell you and I will schedule an extra session.” He offered.

“Okay. Well, I had been feeling kind of off lately, so I went to the doctor on Tuesday.”

“Go on…”

“Mikey, I’m pregnant.”

There was a long silence hanging between you.

“So…that’s it?” He asked. “Sweetheart, I’ve known for at least three weeks.”

“I’m sorry what?” You were shocked. “What do you mean you’ve known?”

“Well, you’ve been especially fatigued, you’re using the bathroom nearly twice as frequently, your sense of smell is heightened, you’ve been nauseous, and your boobs are bigger. I figured it was a safe assumption, especially since we hadn’t been exactly safe when we went on our vacation.”

“Michael David Robinavitch, you have had this assumption for nearly a month, and you just decided not to mention it?”

“I knew you’d tell me when you were ready honey. Plus, I didn’t know for sure either.”  

“So, um. How do you feel about it?”

“Sweetheart, I am ecstatic. I will probably have to unpack some childhood trauma in therapy, to help me get over the fear of being a shitty dad…but I know that I want this with you.”

“God, I love you so much.” You cried.

“You’ve also been very emotional.” He laughed. “I love you too honey.”

--

Things weren’t perfect, but he’d really been trying and that was all that mattered.

Aaron and you had been dating for a little over a month, you’d only gone on a few dates, mainly due to work keeping him so busy. You had been getting to know one another through non-stop texts and the occasional phone call or FaceTime.

You were nervous about inviting Aaron out to this party your friend was throwing because, firstly, it would be the first actual outing with friends as a couple, and secondly, you were nervous Aaron would think you were immature or something. There was no denying the age gap between you, Aaron was in his 40s, and you were just past your mid-20s. You’d taken a year abroad before starting your undergraduate program, which is ultimately why you are slightly older than your law school peers.  Thankfully you’d grown very close to this group, and you’d all been going through school together.

What would Aaron think of your friends? Would he think you were immature and break up with you?

--

“So, I wanted to run something by you…” You offered.

“What’s that?” Aaron asked.

“There’s this party. It’s a group of us who were in pre-law together and are now all in our last year of Law school…think of it as like a last hurrah.” You explained. “I wanted to know if you wanted to come with me.”

“Are significant others invited?”

“Yes!” You laughed. “That’s why I’m asking you to come with!”

“Yeah, I’ll come.”

--

You had been nervous, all week, leading up to this moment. Tonight, Aaron would be accompanying you to a party at your friend Lily’s house. This party was meant to be a time for you all to let loose, for you to celebrate before you were so deep into your final year of law school that you wouldn’t have time to get together like this. And here’s the thing, Aaron used to be a lawyer, so he knows how exhausting law school ls, how rigorous it is, how much it truly takes out of you. He surely would understand why you’d all wanted to let off some steam…right?

“Okay, so if at any time, you’re not feeling it, just say the word and we will leave.”

“Sweetheart, everything is going to be okay. I’m excited to meet your friends.” Aaron squeezed your hand gently, before knocking on Lily’s door.

“Oh my gosh, FINALLY!” Lily huffed. “I have been waiting for you to get here!”

“Hey Lil! This is Aaron.” You gestured to him. “Aaron, this is my best friend Lily.”

“It’s nice to meet you Lily.” Aaron offered his hand.

Lily shook his hand while giving him a once over. Then she shifted her gaze to you…

“He’s hot.” She giggled.

Both Aaron and you blushed a deep shade of red. Lily led you both into her house and to the kitchen to grab drinks. There had been quite a few people there already, some you knew, and some you didn’t recognize. Truthfully, Lily had been more outgoing than you were, especially at school. You usually kept your head down and did your work, wanting nothing more than to graduate and start making actual change.

--

The night went on okay; Aaron was shockingly getting along well with your friends. You chalked it up to the fact that he had once been in your shoes. He was currently leaning against the wall in Lily’s living room, talking to Mateo, who had been in your constitutional law class. You were across the room, having just refilled your drink.

“Hey, we um, we had trial advocacy together last year right?”

“Oh, uh…you know what, you do look familiar. You’re Austin, right?” You asked.

“Yeah,” he huffed out a laugh, “it’s good to see you.”

“Yeah, you too! How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been…good.” He shrugged.

You both laughed, knowing full well that ‘good’ is relative as a law student. You were constantly overcaffeinated and under-rested.

“I’m assuming you’re just as ready as I am to be done with all this.” You offered.

“Yeah, honestly. School is draining.” He confirmed. “So uh, you’re pretty close to Lily and Mateo right?” He leaned a little closer to you.

“Lily is my best friend, and Mateo and I had a few classes together, we only really hang out through Lily though.” You glanced back over to where Aaron was chatting with Mateo, and then over to where Lily was pouring herself another drink. “Why do you ask?”

Austin leans in close, his arm circling around your back so he can speak directly into your ear. “I’ve sort of had a thing for Mateo for a while…and I was wondering if maybe you could help me out.”

“Austin, just be yourself, really. But also, he loves Redbull and hot Cheetos, so there’s that…oh, and he loves art history, though he’d never tell anyone!” You nudged him lightly.

“Seriously, you’re amazing. Thank you!”

--

Aaron had been watching you for as long as Austin had been near you. He’d seen how Austin was looking at you prior to approaching you, his gaze filled with nerves and hope. A look that Aaron didn’t like one bit.

You were beautiful, there was no denying it. Aaron would never be shocked at man giving you their attention, you had this natural radiance that would make any man weak in the knees. Aaron knew you cared for him and that he didn’t have to worry about you cheating, but that didn’t help him from worrying about the men and women that approached you. What if you found someone younger, someone more fit, someone who could keep up with you…Aaron hated to think about it, but it wasn’t too farfetched.

That being said, he made sure to keep an eye on you, to make sure Austin didn’t cross any boundaries, but he also made sure to remain engaged in his conversation with Mateo, because truthfully, Aaron wanted your friends to like him. Aaron wanted to fit into your life because, though he’d never say it out loud this early on, he was falling for you. For your charm, your wit, your warmth…everything about you drew him further and further in. So, he watched you while listening to Mateo.

“I had read up on one of your cases for an assignment I had in one of my prelaw classes. I can understand the shift to the FBI, but do you miss it at all? You were an incredible prosecutor with an insane success rate.” Mateo gushed.

“There are days where I wonder if going back would be easier. But my current job helps me catch the criminals that end up being prosecuted, so essentially I am just working a step ahead.” Aaron answered. “Would you excuse me a minute?”

Aaron walked away before Mateo even had a chance to reply. The second he saw Austin’s arm wrap around you and his mouth inch closer to your ear, he knew he had to step in. He felt like things were moving in slow motion, Austin had pulled back slightly, and you rested your hand on his chest and replied with something that left Austin far too pleased.

--

“Hey sweetheart. Who’s your friend?” Aaron slotted himself behind you, making a show of how he wrapped his arms around your middle and pressed a kiss to your temple.

“Aar, this is Austin.” You huffed out a chuckle at Aaron’s clingy actions. “Austin, this is my boyfriend, Aaron.”

They exchanged pleasantries, though Aaron was being difficult, seemingly on purpose. After some very awkward small talk you noticed Mateo was off on his own and you pointed Austin in his direction. He was quick to take the hint and make his way over to him.

“How’re you doing bub?” You turned in Aaron’s arms to come face-to-face with him.

“I’m good now.” He smiled at you.

“Were you jealous?” You lightly teased.

“Jealo-jealous, me? No.”

“Aar! You were jealous!” You wrapped your arms around his neck. “Babe, Austin was asking me if Mateo was single…he’s into him.” You giggled.

“Well, that makes me feel much better.” Aaron let out a sigh of relief. “I didn’t like the way he put his hands on you.”

“Oh, babe. I’m yours okay? I’m not going anywhere.” You brought your hands up to his cheeks to force his gaze to you, before leaning down and placing a kiss on his lips.

He didn’t know how you’d been able to make him feel this way so fast. Falling for you was as easy as breathing, and that was scary for him, he hadn’t felt this way in a long time. Aaron didn’t want to scare you off by saying too much, too soon, so he held back. He’d tell you when the time is right, you’d been someone he couldn’t profile, not only because it would be wrong, but also because he couldn’t get a good read on you. Little did he know, you were feeling the same way, you hadn’t fallen…but rather been pushed into these deep feelings for him.

“The future of the B. A. U. is not in the balance here. The residual impact as a result of the investigations into the crimes and criminals you pursue is. Every cause has its effect.” Strauss said pointedly.

“You think I don't know that?” Aaron Scoffed

“I believe you are no longer effective in your post.”

“The modern furniture, the strategically placed magazines, the framed diplomas the art on the wall, are all in conflict with your claims. You have a daughter, but you favor work, your lack of family photos proves this.” Aaron began profiling.

“What do you think you're doing?” Strauss said in disbelief.

“Of course you love your daughter, but not as much as your job.”

“That's enough.” Strauss’ voice raised.

“The bonsai you obsessively nurture is to compensate for feelings of failure as a mother.”

“Agent Hotchner, I said that is enough. My position is not in question here. As your superior, I am questioning your ability to lead your team.”

“My team? Let me tell you about my team. Agent Morgan fought to protect his identity from the very people who could save him- why? Because trust has to be earned, and there are very few people he truly trusts. Reid's intellect is a shield which protects him from his emotions and at the moment his shield is under repair. Prentiss overcompensates because she doesn't yet feel she's a part of the team. She needn't worry. Every day, agent Jareau fields dozens of requests for our team. And every night she goes home hoping she's made the right choices. Garcia fills her office with figurines and color to remind herself to smile as the horror fills her screens. And agent Gideon, in many ways, is damned by his profound knowledge of others. Which is why he shares so little of himself, yet he pours his heart into every case we handle.” Aaron paused. “I stand by my actions, and I stand by my team. And if you think that you can find a better person for the job, good luck.”

“Agent Hotchner.” Strauss said, exasperated.

“How do I know you favor your work? I'm good at my job.” Aaron said with finality.

--

“He is reckless and he continues to make decisions that go against bureau policies. The man is impossible to work with.”

“Mom, do you think maybe you’re being a little harsh?”

“HARSH?”

“Okay, hear me out. Based on what you’ve told me; it sounds like he is making decisions that best suit his team and the safety of the victims they are trying to save. I know that some of those choices go against bureau policy, but sometimes policies need to be changed…sometimes, they’re outdated.” You shrugged, picking at your salad.

“Honey, the policies are in place for good reason, to keep our agents safe. When he breaks the rules, he’s not only disobeying direct orders, but he is risking the lives of a number of people. And who has to answer to the higher ups? Me. Not him, me.” Your mom huffed.

--

“It’s just hard, she wants us to play by these rules that aren’t fit for our team and what we do. Not to mention how old some of these policies are. The BAU has an incredible success rate and that is due to our team and how we work.”

“I know Aar. You’re both just doing your jobs.”

“That’s just it though. She wants me out. She is trying to have me replaced.” He shook his head.

“I doubt that baby.”

You were currently taking notes for your evidence course. You were nearly complete with your law degree, and you really needed to study.

“That’s why she sent Prentiss to the team. To spy on me. Prentiss has had multiple private meetings with Strauss, to report back all the things I am doing wrong.” Aaron sighed.

You dropped your pen, finally looking over at Aaron.

“She what?”

--

This had been going on for nearly two weeks now. Both your mom and your boyfriend were complaining to you about the other. Not that your mom knew she was speaking ill of your boyfriend…though you’re pretty sure she has her suspicions…just not that it’s Aaron.

Truthfully, you’d been avoiding them both, not wanting to hear the two people you cared about most continuously bitch about one another. It hurt you to think about picking sides, you had seen where both of them were coming from. They each had perfectly reasonable arguments, but you could also see where they both would feel slighted.

Aaron told your mom that she cared about her job more than you…which maybe you felt that way sometimes, all of the time, but after your dad had died, she’d thrown herself into work, she wanted to make a better life for you and that meant climbing the ranks. She did what she had to do to get where she is now.

Your mom had sent in Prentiss to spy on Aaron and report back every little flaw the BAU has. She was slowly trying to push him out because she didn’t think he was suited for his job. Honestly, he was probably the only person who could do his job.

It was draining, playing the middle. Which is exactly why you hadn’t seen either of them in about 12 days.

--

“Hey hon, I miss you. I know you’ve been busy with school, I just hope you’re taking it easy on yourself. I had dinner sent over to your place. Call me if you need anything. I love you.”

That had been the third voicemail from your mom this week.

Monday, October 3rd. 10:36 A.M.

A: Heading to North Dakota for a case – I will talk as I can. I love you

Tuesday, October 4th. 12:55 P.M.

A: Hey sweetheart, this case is killing us. We’ve been working nonstop. I know you’ve been working hard for school, so text when you can. I can’t wait to be home. I love you.

Saturday, October 8th. 7:14 P.M.

A: Sweetheart, we just got back from North Dakota. Dinner tomorrow? I feel like I haven’t heard from you.

A: Is everything okay?

You hated ignoring him, but you also couldn’t bring yourself to reply and risk him mentioning the drama with your mom. Not when midterms were so close. After midterms, you’d be able to tell them both why you’d been avoiding them and maybe then things would calm down.

--

“Ugh that sucked!” Lily whined.

“I know this is going to sound insane…but I feel like I did really well.” You laughed lightly.

“Of course, you feel that way. You’re the smartest person in our class.” Lily pushed your shoulder.  “So now that the test is over, are you finally going to call your mom and your hot boyfriend back?”

“Yes. I will. I just hate that they want me to take sides. This fight between them is stupid. I know my mom hates the bureaucratic red tape just as much as Aaron, but she follows the rules because that is how she got to where she is, not by consistently pushing back against policy.”

“Damn girl. That’s tough. You got this though, now go call them and celebrate your success with your man!”

--

You slowly made your way up to your mom’s door, feeling nervous about how this conversation would likely go. But you knew you needed to work through this with her, she needed you around, to help remind her that this life is worth living. That drinking herself to death isn’t an option.

“Hey mom! I brought lunch.”

“Honey, hi! I wasn’t expecting you, how have you been?” She asked pulling you into a tight hug.

“I’m good. Sorry I’ve been MIA, I had midterms for some of my classes, and I really needed time to study.”

“I understand.” She smiled, leading you to the kitchen. “Midterms went well then?”

“Yeah, I feel really good about them!” You sighed. “How’s work been?”

“It’s been alright. Still getting some pushback from Agent Hotchner, but I guess that’s to be expected. I did sort of send someone into his team to spy on him.”

“MOM!” You scolded. “If you have an issue with the team, you should just talk to him, not blatantly try to push him out. From everything I’ve heard, you two agree on a lot more than what you disagree on. Maybe you should try to see it from his perspective.”

Your mom looked at you a moment, she looked as if she was contemplating what to say, but also a bit like she was piecing together something that she hadn’t quite figured out yet.

“Maybe you’re right…honey, I’m sorry for burdening you with this work drama. It’s not fair to you. Especially with everything you have going on with school and everything.”

--

Aaron’s car was in your driveway as you pulled up. While you hadn’t been expecting him, you weren’t exactly surprised he was here. He rounded the front of his SUV as you stepped out of your car, his expression seemed more unsure than anything…as if he wasn’t sure what to expect from you in this moment.

“Sweetheart…”

“Hey Aar.” You smiled, approaching him slowly.

“Have I done something to upset you?” He worried. “I haven’t heard from you.”

“Aaron, let’s go inside. We can talk in there.”

He nodded and followed you into your apartment. It was killing him, the fact that you wouldn’t tell him what was wrong. Were you planning to break things off? He had missed you so much, and seeing you pull away was breaking his heart.

“Aaron, I can hear your mind racing. I want you to calm down baby. I’m not ending things, I’m not even mad.”

He huffed out a sigh of relief. “Then what’s going on?”

“I had midterms Aar. I needed to study and complete my assignments, but on top of all that, you and my mom were both venting to me about this bullshit at work instead of the two of you talking it out like adults and it was fucking exhausting for me. I won’t be put in the middle of petty work arguments. Especially not when it is easy to see both perspectives in this.”

“Sweethe-”

“Let me finish – My mom has ALWAYS hated the bureaucratic red tape that you guys are constantly having to work through to do your jobs effectively. Trust me, I have heard her say it for years. That being said, she is a woman in a male dominated field, she had to fight like hell to get to where she is, which meant following the rules and knowing when to roll over. I am not saying that she was in the right. She should have NEVER sent in Prentiss as a mole for her, she should’ve talked to you about easing up on the radical decisions while the BAU is under a microscope. She loves everything this team stands for and even more so, the people on this team. She butts heads with you so much because you are getting away with pushing back on things she wishes she could have.” You sighed.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have spoken to her the way I did, and more importantly, I shouldn’t have come to you with work issues regarding your mother.” Aaron reached for your hand.

“Aaron, I won’t be forced to pick sides. When it comes to you and her…I’m Switzerland.”

“That’s fair.”

“Oh, and I should tell you; I think my mom suspects something…” You laughed lightly.

“What?” Aaron looked petrified.

“It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief … lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while, it’s not so overwhelming.” 

-Nicholas Spark

--

“I love my daughter. Please tell her.”

“She knows.” Aaron took a steadying breath. “She knows.”

“Once you said I loved my job more than my daughter.” She slurred. “That's not true.”

“I'm sorry.” Aaron held her. “I was wrong.”

“Aaron, I can't see you.”

“I'm right here.”

“I don't want to die alone.”

“I'm right here. It's ok.” Aaron held her tighter as she cried. “Shh, shh... It's ok.”

--

Aaron knew it had to be him and Dave to tell you. Anyone else and you’d never forgive him for it. It was bad enough that you’d be finding out nearly seventy-two hours later.

Typically, it would be the Interim Section Chief and a higher up from the FBI to come to you and break the news, but these were special circumstances. You’d become a part of the BAU family. The interim Section Chief, however, gave them the approval given the sensitivity of the information and your personal relationship with the two men.

This had been a conversation that no one could prepare for. Aaron had found your mom, she had been drugged by an unsub, known as “The Replicator”, he left her for dead on a bench just outside her hotel. Dave had been sure to go with her to Bethesda, he knew how much she hated the city.

Both Aaron and Dave wanted to tell you as soon as they could, but the problem was, the replicator was still out there. They needed to close this case before they could step away and be there for you in the way Aaron knew you would need. So, they worked diligently to complete the profile, identify the unsub, and close this case once and for all.

--

It had been a year since your mom confided in you about Dave, and she subsequently found out about you and Aaron. A year of repairing your relationship with her, one year of lunches, laughs, tears. It had been one year since she’d gotten sober, a fact you couldn’t have been prouder of.

You had been surprised with how your mom had come around to the idea of Aaron and you dating. She had told you that it made sense, the two of you.

“You balance one another out.”

“What do you mean?” You laughed.

“He’s strict and stern. All work and no play. You my dear, are light and joy. You have maintained a balance between work and personal life, one that he didn’t have before. I can see how much lighter he is since the two of you began seeing one another.” She patted your leg lightly.

“You really think so?” You couldn’t help the smile that took over your face.

“Yeah honey, I do. I’m so glad that you have found someone who makes you happy. But also, someone who challenges you, who pushes you to be the best you there is. As much as I hate to admit it, the two of you are perfect for one another.”

“Well damn mom. You didn’t have to get all sappy on me.” You huffed out a laugh while wiping a tear from your eye.

“Well don’t go expecting it from now on.” She laughed in return.

--

Aaron and Dave rode in silence to your house. Neither one of them knew how they were meant to break this information to you. How do you look the person you love in the eyes and tell them that their mother died. That they have no family left. This was the part that made him wonder if he should just give it all up, the loss that seems to never end, no matter what it is that they do. No matter how many people they save, or unsubs they put away, one thing that never ceases to end is the loss.

Aaron thought about how good things had been between you and her lately. How she had gotten sober and had been working hard to be a better mom for you. He thought about how they had been working better together, more efficiently, with better communication due to a conversation you’d had with the two of them. Aaron’s mind went through the number of memories he’d had with Erin…the most important being one of his most recent, and most fond.

--

“Erin, I know this is unconventional, but I can assure you that I asked you to lunch for a good reason.”

“Well, I would hope so.” She sighed. “I’m assuming this is a personal lunch, given that any professional conversation should have been had within my office.”

“Yes. It is personal. I know that this notion is old-fashioned, but I am nothing if not traditional.” Aaron wiped his palms on his slacks.

“Aaron, if I’m not mistaken, it sounds as if you are going to ask for my blessing.”

His ears turned bright red, and he cast his gaze downward. Hearing her say it aloud made the whole situation sound ridiculous.

“I know it seems like an archaic notion, but I want to do this right.”

“Yes.” Erin nodded.

“Yes? Wait, really? Yes?”

“Aaron, you make her happy and you challenge her. You’re good for her. So, yes. You have my blessing.” She smiled.

Aaron couldn’t help but feel choked up from this memory. While he was so glad to have gotten her blessing, it felt wrong now that she wouldn’t be there to get your call once he proposes. She wouldn’t be there to walk you down the aisle. She wouldn’t be there to see your future.

How was he meant to break this news.

--

A knock at your door interrupted your avid scribbling within your newest case notes. You’d been busy with a new case this week, and with Aaron going back and forth to the city with the BAU, you truly hadn’t heard from him, or anyone else for that matter. Truthfully, you weren’t totally sure where your phone had ended up.

Making your way to the door, you glanced around to see if you could spot your phone, maybe you had missed a call or text, one that might just clue you into who was on the other side of your door. You made sure to check the peephole to confirm you visitor before opening the door, Aaron always told you not to answer the door for someone you don’t know. But seeing Dave and Aaron both came as a shock either way.

“Hey, what are you guys doing here?” You questioned.

The looks on their faces said it all. Emotions flowing across their faces in quick succession; sympathy, heartbreak, concern, guilt. You knew what this meant. You had seen this kind of thing in the movies, but surely this wasn’t really happening. There was no way they were here, now, to tell you that your mom was gone.

“No.” You spat. Your chest heaving with emotion. “No. No, no, no.” You cried.

Aaron quickly moved toward you then, catching you just as your knees gave out. Your sobs were wracking your whole body.

“Sweetheart, can I carry you to the couch?” Aaron whispered gently.

You couldn’t do anything but nod. Aaron lifted you carefully, walking you over to your living room. Dave stopped to grab a glass of water for you, before joining the two of you. Once you had settled a bit, Dave jumped right in.

“Hon, on our case, your mom, she was drugged by the unsub.” Dave began. “He drugged her and then forced her to drink all the alcohol from the minibar in her hotel room.”

“Dave…”

“Aaron, she needs to hear this.”

Aaron looked to you for confirmation, which you met with a weak nod.

“He guided her to a bench, just across from the hotel and left her there to die.”

“She was all alone?” You hiccupped.

“No sweetheart, I found her. I was with her.” Aaron offered.

“You were with her when she…” You couldn’t bring yourself to say it.

“I was.” He confirmed. “I held her. She told me that she loved you so much.”

A loud sob ripped through you. She was gone. Your mom was really gone. You had no one left.

“I rode with her from the city to Bethesda.” Dave informed. “You will have to go in and identify her, but the Bureau will take care of everything else.”

“She hates the city.” You sniffled. “Thank you for bringing her home.”

The three of you sat like this for a while, Aaron holding you, encouraging you to drink water. Dave eventually ordered food and the three of you ate. Well, you picked at your food while they ate and answered the few questions you may have asked. What they weren’t ready for was what came out of your mouth next.

--

“When did this happen?”

“What’s that?” Aaron asked.

“When did she die?”

“Sweetheart…” Aaron hesitated.

“Three days ago.” Dave stated.

“Three days?” You gasped. “You’ve known for three days and you’re just telling me this now?” You were gasping for breath. “She’s-I…she can’t. I can’t-. This. It’s-it’s.” You broke down.

You fell to the floor, and this time Aaron let you. He knew that you needed to feel everything it is you were feeling right now. You didn’t need people telling you it was okay, and that they’re sorry. You needed to let it all out and just be held.

That’s what he did. Aaron curled up behind you and just held you, no words exchanged, no pitiful looks, just presence. Eventually Dave left, and Aaron had gotten you changed and into bed.

Right now, you weren’t okay, and that’s alright. In time, and with the love and support you had from those around you, the pain would ease.

--

The day of the funeral had been a particularly hard one. Getting yourself out of bed was hard enough, but to then get dressed and make your way to the cemetery, that was a feat of its own. Aaron was with you every step of the way. He’d been your rock, doing everything he could to ease the ache that had settled deep within you. You felt that ache within your bones, in your soul, in every part of you. You were just grateful for Dave, he’d made sure the bureau took care of everything related to the funeral, and he’d offered to host the reception at his home afterward.

The two of them stood by your side the entire day. Ensuring that you were supported through everything. Which led to now, it was just you and the BAU sitting in Dave’s backyard. Derek and Penelope had just reminisced with stories of your mom from their time working with her, until Dave spoke up.

“Last year, right here, we had a... very different celebration. Of life, of love, and good people. This year it's the, uh, other side of that. Because, well... that's what families do.” Dave sighed. “It's been a hard year. But tonight... we celebrate a life well lived, well loved. To a good woman, an even better mother.” Dave looked over at you. “To our friend, who I will miss very much.”

“To Erin.” The team raised a glass.

It had been just another ordinary day. Aaron had gone to his favorite coffee shop, fully expecting things to move along like they usually did…only that day, the world stopped spinning, because there, in the coffee shop, stood the most breathtaking girl he’d ever had the pleasure of seeing. He couldn’t believe how stunning you were, you carried yourself with such poise and you had a style that stood out amongst the crowd, and he could swear you were glowing.

Your presence demanded to be known, simply in the way you stood. You didn’t shy away in the corner of the room or tuck your nose into your phone. No. You stood, your shoulders back, eyes taking in the space around you and your lips were relaxed into the most subtle of smiles. You were the type of girl that people were drawn to, you made people feel confident and safe without words.

When your gaze met Aaron’s, he was embarrassed initially, his ears burning, but then he noticed how your gaze softened and the corners of your lips curled upward just a tick.

--

Four months later, Aaron and you had gone on quite a few dates. The two of you were just beyond that “going on dates/getting to know one another” stage of your relationship, you’d made it through the basics – names, Aaron told you he had a federal job (but couldn’t be too specific), you told him that you were in law school which took up most of your time, talked about your favorite colors, favorite music, favorite movies…all the typical early relationship stuff.

The two of you had busy schedules that kept you from going out regularly, but you’d done your best to spend time with one another when you could. Tonight, would be no different, Aaron had taken you to a nice dinner…and there was something in the air, a sexual charge, one that had been there more often than not as of late. Only you planned to do something about it tonight.

“Why don’t you come in?” You asked, tracing patterns over the back of Aaron’s hand.

“Is that a good idea?” He asked.

“Maybe not, but I think we’ve earned it.” You leaned in closer to him.

With that, all resolve went out the window. Aaron grabbed the back of your neck, pulling you into him and kissing you breathless. The two of you stumbled your way through your apartment, making quick work of undressing one another. Aaron laid you back on your bed and wasted no time teasing you, his teeth pressed into your collarbone as he eased into your heat in one quick thrust.

The rest of the evening was perfect, everything you’d imagined it would be.

--

But in the morning, the bubble of perfection would burst.

You and Aaron had woken alongside the sunrise, slowly crawling out of bed and making your way to the kitchen to make coffee. Aaron had a mandatory day off and you didn’t have classes today, so you had planned to spend the day together…but what you didn’t expect is what happened next.

“What is this…” Aaron’s voice trailed off slowly as he checked out the items littering your entry table.

“Um, you’re gonna have to be more specific Aar.” You giggled, coming up behind him.

“That.” He gestured to a framed photo of you and your mom.

“That’s a photograph babe.” You rolled your eyes a nudged him.

“Yeah, sweetheart, I get that it’s a photograph…but why is it a photograph of you with my boss?”

You immediately choked on the sip of coffee you’d just taken. Dramatically sputtering, trying to avoid it from coming out of your nose. Aaron was quick to come up beside you and rub your back gently.

After a few coughs, you were able to get out “That’s my mom.”

“Fuck me.” Aaron deadpanned.

“I mean…we already did, and while I am ready for another round, I think you might need a moment, especially now that you know my mother is your boss.”

It was his turn to choke on his coffee.

“If she new the things you’d done to me…she’d fire you so fast.”

--

You truly thought Aaron would call it off after that, but with minimal convincing and a blow job he decided that he didn’t care, because he loved you, and he told you so a few nights later once you’d talked everything out.

--

You hid things for a few more months, longer than you thought you’d ever get away with, but here’s the thing…your mom was a very smart woman, and Aaron worked with profilers.

So, when your mom asked you to attend the annual FBI charity gala with her, you knew you were screwed, there was no getting out of it. You warned Aaron, letting him know you’d be there and he told you that you’d both have to be on your best behavior and make it through one night. No gazing, touching, excessive talking, and definitely no dancing. While you agreed, you definitely were not going to make this easy for him. You planned to get the sexiest dress you could find, and you casually suggested to your mom that you guys spend the day together, getting all dolled up.

She’d gone all out, nails, hair, makeup, new shoes, and a brand-new dress. A dress that was sure to render Aaron speechless.

--

“Alright hon, I’ll introduce you to the BAU. That’s the team I oversee. We will be sitting with them, and then I will have to go and mingle with some of the big wigs…but I promise I won’t leave you to fend for yourself the whole night.”

“Mom…I’m not a little kid; I can handle myself just fine.” You sighed.

“I know honey, but some of these guys, I swear.” She huffed.

“Aren’t you dating one of ‘those guys’?”

“Speaking of which…let’s not bring that up tonight okay? He is technically my subordinate.”

“Mom! That’s kinky.” You laughed.

She nudged you, before breaking out into laughter with you.

“I won’t say anything, I promise.” You looked at her. “Could you at least tell me who it is, so I’m not blindsided later?”

“His name is David Rossi.”

--

You and your mom walked into the ballroom arm-in-arm, she pointed out the table designated to the BAU, to show you where you’d likely spend the entirety of your evening. There awas a small crowd of people loitering near it, one of which stood out amongst the others…that being your sexy boyfriend. That man could wear a tux.

“Woah! Who is the smoke show with Strauss?” Derek wondered aloud.

“That dress is stunning.” Emily gawked.

“I love her shoes!” Penelope squealed.

“That’s her daughter.” Dave chimed in.

Aaron kept his mouth shut. He’d let the others ask questions…he’d even let Dave give too much information away. Why would he know about Erin’s daughter? Well Aaron knew that was because they were secretly dating, but the team didn’t know that.

“Good evening everyone.” Your mom waved elegantly, “this is my daughter.” She introduced you to the members of the BAU one-by-one.

You did your best to play coy, but when it came time to shake Aaron’s hand, you couldn’t help the blush that dusted your cheeks…hopefully the profilers would chalk it up to an inappropriate crush, and not the fact that he’d spent the better half of last night between your legs.

--

The night was dragging on, and despite your previous agreement, you couldn’t help yourself from stealing glances at Aaron all night, how could you not when he looked that good. You’d caught him staring a few times too, which eased the guilt a bit.

“You could be a little less obvious you know.” He whispered coming up next to you at the bar.

“The same could be said for you.” You nodded. “Mother would be appalled if she saw the way you were checking me out earlier.”

“I can’t help it, you look incredible. That dress is gorgeous.” He let his gaze drag over your figure quickly.

“I bought it thinking it would look really good on your floor.” You turned to face him and winked, before walking away.

--

“What were the two of you talking about?”

“Oh, I had mentioned law school, Agent Hotchner told me he used to be a prosecutor and offered to lend me some books that he found helpful when he was in school.” You lied through your teeth.

“How thoughtful of him.”

“Mom, why do I feel like you are insinuating something?”

“I don’t know…is there something I should be insinuating?”

“Mom.”

“Okay. I’m done.” She put her hands up in mock surrender.

“Would you like to dance?” Dave cut in.

“I’m not sure that would be appropriate.” Your mom whispered.

“Mom, go dance with him, look at all the people dancing, it’ll be fine.”

“Thank you.” Dave nodded at you. “So, Erin?”

With that, Dave took your mom’s hand and led her over to the dance floor. You smiled, it was so nice to see her happy, it had been a very long time since you’d seen your mom smile like that. The thought had tears springing to your eyes.

--

“You alright?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m okay.” You sniffled.

“Sweetheart.” Aaron slipped up.

“It’s just, I haven’t seen her this happy in a really long time. After my dad died, she had a really hard time, I was on my own a lot which was fine y’know, I was in high school by then. I just, I left and went to college, and that’s when the drinking started…ugh sorry this is too much. I’m just glad she’s happy is all.”

“You never have to apologize sweetheart. I’m glad you told me.” He leaned in for just a moment, to wipe a tear off your cheek. “Would you um, like to dance?”

“Aar, are you sure?”

“Yeah sweetheart, you mean too much to me to keep hiding this.” He admitted.

“God I love you.” You smiled at him.

“I love you too.” Aaron offered his arm. “Shall we?”

You gently grasped his arm, and he led you to the dance floor, the music slowed and you rested your head on his chest, arms wrapping around one another. You let yourself get lost in him, for just a moment, the feeling of him pressed against you, the smell of his cologne…everything that is unmistakably him.

Aaron let his head fall, resting atop your own. Smiles ghosted over both of your lips and the world around you faded away.

--

“They’re together aren’t they?”

“If I had to guess, I’d say about six months now.” Dave confirmed.

“I should be upset.” Your mom began. “He’s nearly old enough to be her father.”

“But?”

“But they seem really happy.”

“Yeah, they do.” Dave smiled. “I’ve never seen him like this.”

“She hasn’t smiled like that since…well, since before we lost her dad.”

Dave held your mom a little tighter then. The two of them enjoying their own moment together.

--

“The FBI would like to thank you all for attending this evening and even more so for your generous donations. Everyone have a wonderful rest of your evening and get home safe.”

All the different agents began collecting their things and making their way out of the ballroom. The BAU team had all expressed how nice it was to meet you, they were all nice enough to not mention your dancing with Aaron, and they respectively took their leave. Aaron hovered a bit, not sure whether he should just leave or say something to you first.

“Honey, are you going home with me, or did you want to go home with Aaron?” Your mom asked, point blank.

“I, uh, I – what?” You stuttered. “Mom, I can – I can explain!”

“Honey, I don’t want any details. The less I know the better.” She shook her head to keep you from interrupting. “If you are happy, that’s all I care about.”

“I am. Mom, I’m really happy.”

“Good.” She brought her hand to your face, gently caressing it. “I love you honey.”

“I love you mom.” You hugged her. “I’m glad you’re happy too.”

“I am.” She pulled back to look at you and gave you a teary smile. “Aaron, you better take good care of her.”

“I will. I promise.”

You’d always hated them, your thighs. There was no gap between them, they weren’t slim or muscular – no they had cellulite. Skinny jeans didn’t look good, skirts and dresses looked worse. You weren’t comfortable in your own skin.

You didn’t like feeling this way…and it was increasingly difficult since you began dating Eddie.

Eddie was the most handsy man you’d ever met. He liked to have his hands on you at all times; holding your own, resting on your lower back, on your shoulder, stuffed into your back pocket, grazing the sides of your neck, and more recently…laying on your thigh. A rather new development that made you feel sick, and not because of his touch. That you craved. But at the idea that he had to rest his hands on your thick thighs.

--

Eddie was down bad for you. He had been so incredibly shocked that you were into him. When he asked you out…you blushed and replied with a shy “yes” and he about died and came back. He had thought you were smart and creative, and you had the biggest heart. He had seen the way you made it a point to stick up for people. And okay fine, he thought you were hot.

He’s had the hardest time keeping his hands off of you. Your skin was so soft and the perfume and lotion you used stuck to you like second skin; he loved it. He loved you. And that’s why it was breaking his heart that you were pulling away from him.

Every time he reached for you in the car, you’d shift your legs towards the passenger door, and you’d grab his hand, returning it to his side of the cab. When you were lying on the couch and he reached to pull your legs into his lap, you’d shift, tucking your legs under yourself.

He didn’t understand…had he done something wrong?

--

Here it was, happening all over again. You’d gone over to Eddie’s to watch a movie. You’d gotten cozy on the couch, but he could tell you were getting restless. He shifted slightly, his hand reaching over to you, desperately wanting to pull you into his lap, and as he reaches over to you, you were quick to pull away.

“Baby, do-do you not want to be with me anymore?” Eddie asked quietly.

“What?” Your jaw dropped, you didn’t know where this was coming from. “Eddie, why would you think I don’t want to be with you anymore?”

“Because you never let me touch you.” Eddie sighed. “Every time I try to touch you, you pull away…the last time I actually touched your leg, you looked like you were going to be sick.”

“Oh Eddie. Baby, it’s not you.” You looked down, wringing your hands in your lap.

“Don’t hit me with the “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. If you don’t want to be with me anymore than just say it.”

“Eddie! I don’t want you to touch my thighs because I’m self-conscious. I hate my thighs. They’re big and have cellulite and stretch marks and I hate how they look. All I can think about when you grab them is how you must be wishing you were with a girl like Chrissy. Someone skinnier…someone prettier.”

Eddie’s heart broke. How could you feel that way about yourself? In his eyes, you were the most beautiful thing he’d ever known. You were beautiful inside and out, your heart was so big and kind. You had this air about you that was light and inviting. You also were so captivating, you had a bold style that was slightly alternative to match his own, but also you loved pink and pastels, and it made Eddie laugh, how you were like this pastel fairy goth. He loved everything about you…so to find out that you didn’t love yourself was awful.

“Sweetheart, I know that I can’t force you to love yourself. But I can spend every day for the rest of my life telling you how much I love every bit of you. You are the most incredible, beautiful, kind, sexy, caring person I know. I want to grab your hand and your legs and basically just be touching you all the time, because I’m so into you.” Eddie punctuated his lecture with a kiss to your lips.

Eddie would make sure that moving forward, you’d feel loved, and he hoped that one day you’d love yourself as much as he loved you.