pd sideblog @atypicalapproximation - Tumblr Blog

Currently job hunting and being pretty casual about it and picky and firm on my requirements and I can afford to be, but I've had five interviews in the past week and a half and each of them so far has let me know they were going with a different candidate

I'm pretty sure some of the rejections were due to me being at the upper end of the pay range and one of them was because they were VERY different from me and it wouldn't have been a good working fit, and none of the rejections were about my quality

But the repeated rejections in such a short period of time has definitely destabilized me and I am S T R U G G L I N G to regulate myself and going off into weird spirals I haven't been down in literal years

#actually borderline #borderline personality disorder #actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #rejection sensitivity #actually adhd #actuallyadhd #rejection sensitive dysphoria

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okay does anyone else have the problem where like. the fics that you find yourself most engaged in, most... not entertained by, exactly, but the ones that you enjoy (?) reading the most... are fics with traumatized, damaged characters. and it should be just, fine. cathartic.

but they tend to leave you in a bad headspace and so the best way to keep yourself stable is to read happy fics, not hurt/comfort, not coping fics, just boring bland everything-is-peas-and-butter and nobody has a background you can relate to fics.

so you have to choose between reading fics you enjoy and being more stable but reading is your favorite hobby and you don't like other fics as much?

anybody?

#actuallycptsd #actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #actuallytraumatized

Do you even really have BPD anymore if you fill the bottomless emptiness inside of you with unending work?

#actually borderline #actuallyborderline #actuallybpd #borderline personality disorder #bpd

that traumatic childhood feel when your life suddenly gets really stressful and hard to manage and that feels better than when everything had been going well

#actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #actuallycptsd #bpd #cptsd #ptsd

currently living paycheck to paycheck, working a job that exhausts me, supporting myself AND my brother, stressed out of my mind, lowkey a little miserable... so of course im more stable than ive been in ages

#bpd #actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #cptsd #actuallycptsd #ptsd

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im largely stable and happy most of the time now and im grateful for all the healing ive done but sometimes i miss the intensity and pain and camaraderie of being in the middle of trauma and reaching out to others who were too

#and what does that say about me?#actually borderline #actuallybpd #i relate to soldiers who miss the war #actuallyptsd #trauma bonding is strong

sooo flippin tired of people armchair diagnosing their shitty exes with personality disorders

#actuallyborderline #actuallybpd #actually borderline #personality disorder #actually pd

strugglingsince1997

I need more blogs who post about mental illness issues or coping or whatever. like or reblog and I will follow you :)

tfw you have to remind yourself, “some people will like me and some people will not and that’s okay” s e v e r a l times a day

#actuallybpd #actuallyborderline

i have to be the best at something to be worthwhile in a group and everything i’d normally be the best at is getting one-upped by other people and i am going to d i e

#actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #vent blog

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i keep ending up in groups where i become one of the main people and at least half of the people will seem to think im fantastic and lavish me with praise and i cant figure out if that's because im not used to being thought well of but it's actually a normal level of compliments for anyone, or if im somehow manipulating people into liking me, or if im misreading signals and no one thinks im as great as i think they think i am, or if im actually awesome and it's being rightfully recognized

#actually borderline #actuallybpd

also why is it that every time i see a therapist, i try to be completely open about all the things i feel and think and they s t i l l end up unable to see through my bullshit when i pull my Happy Cheerful Articulate Competent mask back up. i just want someone to be able to dig into my brain and see me and give me advice on how to heal and improve and fix myself that i can’t find with two minutes of googling.

#actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #vent blog

also i’m reading a bunch of npd blogs rn and idk if they’re so relatable because bpd and npd are both cluster b or if it’s because i’m a hollow mirror chameleon or if i maybe need to talk to a therapist about it

#but then again i dont really trust therapists #ive yet to find a good one

idk why this has only just occurred to me but trying to claim that at least we’re not narcissists/sociopaths/whatever in an attempt to lessen the stigma against us borderlines is just us groveling for approval and internalizing the ableist bullshit, when really we should all join forces and stand firm against the stigma. we’re stronger together. we have similarities.

needing attention isn’t inherently a bad thing. having atypical/intense emotions isn’t inherently a bad thing. being more sensitive isn’t inherently a bad thing. our symptoms suck. most of us are the way we are because of abuse. as long as you’re not malicious––and i don’t want to automatically assume people are, i wanna give people the benefit of the doubt––your personality disorder doesn’t make you a bad person. we’re strong for fighting.

#actuallybpd #actuallyborderline #npd #idk if i worded this badly my apologies if i did #and lemme know if i'm showing any internalized ableism cause i wanna stomp that shit out #or if i appear to be pandering #cause that's not my intention either #idk im so fucking tired i havent slept well in two months

be-pd

*expresses a reason i’m upset* oh god im being manipulative aren’t I

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i just saw someone whose name is the same as one i started recently using for a new community i joined and it’s an uncommon name and my brain immediately went HEY FUCK YOU NO THAT’S MY NAME and got really possessive over it and angry

*loud sigh* really, brain? it’s fine. chill. i get that you like your new alias. that doesn’t mean you own it.

yesbpdbabe-deactivated20210115

bpd is like: no , i’m allowed to ignore you as much as i want but you can’t ignore me ever

#i'm working on this but...#yeahhh

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