With the movie Obsession being popular in theaters right now, I’d like to bring up an epiphany I had in the shower last week. As a society I believe women have learned to adapt to men throughout history. For better and for worse. In my opinion, I think about the taboo fantasies women have, the dark romance books women write and read and the Bonnie Blues women are personifying into existence—all of it feels like women merely adapting themselves around male desire. Yet men still don’t seem satisfied. Why is that?
I’ve come to the conclusion that, for some men, it’s a mix of resentment and envy. Women found a way out anyways. After centuries of oppression, women gained freedoms and endless opportunities previous generations didn’t have. Women no longer have to center their entire lives around the patriarchy yet men are still expected too.
Maybe it’s just the emphatic side of me, still holding onto hope that these men will change. I think a lot of men deep down seem to view women’s success as unfair. They see women being celebrated for things that previous generations were punished for. They see women living independently, building communities, showing supporting, going to therapy, journaling, forming deep friendships, caring for animals, and finding fulfillment outside of relationships with men. Women pushed outside the box patriarchy and learned how to build lives that don’t revolve around men. Meanwhile, men were never taught how to do the same for themselves.
Men aren’t taught how to love themselves. How to see love in general. They’re taught that a woman is supposed to provide that love, validation, and emotional support for them. When women stop doing that—or no longer seen men as an anchor it caused a chain reaction from envy, anger to hatred. It feels like society has spent far less time redefining masculinity. Men are still being told to fit into older expectations of what a man should be. Many men aren’t taught how to find fulfillment outside of those roles set in place for them.
It may help explain why some react negatively to women’s growing independence. What looks like anger toward women can sometimes be frustration with a world that has changed faster than their sense of identity has. Some seem to look at women’s freedom and see unfairness rather than progress. Women now have more choices than the patriarchy once allowed them to have, and for some men, that change can feel threatening.
Women evolved out of the patriarchy set for them. What has society created for men?
Women adapted. Women evolved. Women created new possibilities for themselves outside of what the patriarchy set for them. The same hasn’t been done for men.
