"You can't protect everyone."
I have to try.
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@atlesiandream
"You can't protect everyone."
I have to try.

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[ As much as I've been trying to project my problems onto James, I do very much believe Penny is a physiological mess in any world where she goes through all of v8 (including the vault and the relic) and survives. Do you think Ambrosius can build a functioning nervous system with no reference? I truly don't. Dysautonomia queen actually. Maybe I'll stop trying to give James my problems and stick to giving him my appointment and medical equipment struggles. ]
Things had been... things had been hard. She had been… kind of miserable, honestly. Despite the positivity she showed to her friends, and to others around her, despite how quick she was to help, despite how much she wanted to be bright and upbeat, like Nora and Yang, it was... very hard to be happy. Really, the brightest points for her these days were mainly only when she received an assignment to pick off grimm at the perimeter: she was able to take out large hordes quickly, after all, so she was especially useful. And… well, it felt like deployment. It was familiar.
Unfortunately, that familiarity just… wasn’t enough. Not when everything was so different. Everything felt different. Literally. Even feeling felt different. Her body, even now, still felt so wrong. It didn't feel like hers. Sensations and textures and temperature and sounds and light were all so much. All of the time. Clothing was so uncomfortable. People coughing behind their masks in the market place made her feel sick. She couldn’t stand to eat, or to be around others who were, because the sounds of squishing food in mouths caused her physical pain, despite Weiss’ insistence that that wasn’t possible. Sometimes, nothing around her felt real, and sometimes, she didn't feel real, either.
She missed Atlas. She missed her home. And... well, she missed the general, too, of course. Even if everyone around her insisted that she shouldn't, or "didn't owe him that." Or reminded her, over and over and over, and over, of what he had done. But it was... very hard not to miss him, when he was literally written into her code as someone important. It seemed that, even now, despite an organic brain and nerves and veins instead of wires and tubes, her programming remained, in some way: even though she knew why, understood why, she still found herself panicking a little whenever she realized it had been "too long" since a check-in, and when she would check her scroll, she would realize the frequency was out of range. And then, when she remembered why, it... hurt. All over again.
It felt like failure.
Could she have done something different? Was there anything she could have tried, maybe that wouldn't have saved the kingdom, but that would have saved at least one more life? Would it hurt any less if she had tried, and had failed more directly? Could knowing with absolute certainty, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she did everything she could have prevented this pain? Or... at least could it have any chance of one day fading away?
There was the tight feeling in her throat again. She hated it. And the burn in her cheeks and the sting in her eyes before the tears came, not that it felt any better when they finally did. But... there was no stopping them. There never was.
Penny pulled her knees up to her chest to hide her face against them, allowing herself one audible, shuddering breath before gritting her teeth together so that no sound could escape and alert anyone to come check on her.
Something shifted. Changed. Likely time passed, if not reversed. He had a feeling it passed.
Why was she..?
"Penny!" It didn't matter whether she could or could not hear the shadow of his existence. He couldn't just leave. It didn't matter whether she could or could not feel the light touch on her shoulders. "Penny! Oh, Penny..."
"It's... okay. It's..." Was it okay though? She was in pain. Likely not physical, as this place between the world didn't show things this directly and literally, but it also turned things without form into... Well, something.
Maybe he should try hugging her pain instead. Hope that wrapping it with his gentle love and care would soothe it at least a bit.
"You're doing great, honey. You will be okay. You will be okay..." The gesture didn't shift when her distress moved and blended with her figure, so now he was slowly petting her ginger head along with it. "I'm so proud of you, Penny. I always was."
Would she feel his touch? Would she not? Would she even like it now that she had human skin and receptors? He had no idea, but he wouldn't stop. He couldn't stop and fail her again. Enough that he couldn't recall if she knew how much she meant to him. He didn't have a family, but he had her. Well, no. He had a family because he had her in his life.
How many times he caught himself acting towards her like he would to a child left in his care. It didn't matter that she was a highly advanced technological miracle. It mattered that she was herself.
"What's wrong, dear?" He was so awfully, disgustingly sentimental... Maybe for the best that he didn't show it when he lived. Now it didn't matter anymore. Now he only wanted her to know somehow how much he loved her. She was his greatest achievement that he couldn't take any credit for. "Why are you so sad?"
His hand passed through something with a lot of connections when he shifted. Glance down revealed her plushie cow wrapped in sadness, fear, hope, joy and most importantly comfort. Without thinking, he wanted to bring that comfort to her, but his hand passed through the cow again, making it barely rock lightly in place.
(Penny)
Her head lifted from her knees, startled, as she would swear she heard someone calling her name. She had never experienced something like that before, heard her name being said in a way that wasn't just her mind replaying a memory (which she would be devastated to report happened very often) but Qrow Branwen often mentioned feeling watched, or hearing things other people didn't, and implied that it was a connection to magic. And given that her human body was created by magic... that made sense.
However... she also had looked up just in time to see her stuffed cow rock slightly to one side, like someone had brushed against it. Despite her room being empty, and the cow being... close, but not close enough to touch. She chose to turn toward the cow, however, but not to directly speak to it. Clearly, whatever this feeling was was not actually attached to the cow: she'd gotten it very early on in their stay in Vacuo, she surely would have noticed something "wrong" with it by now.
"... h..." She swallowed, and the way it felt as though there were a lump forming in her throat was unpleasant, but the swallow was necessary in order to speak. Even that, however, did not at all fix how small and watery her usually-cheerful, happy voice had become. "... h-hello?"
@atlesiandream Penny's Ghost Story
Maybe he was still tied to people he loved. Which was strange given how abandoned he was during... well, his last moments. Probably. Sometimes he wasn't entirely sure that he was dead. Then again, he surely was. It was... unclear.
Especially when he saw Penny, just like he always seen her - so bright and strong. A true ray of hope. Took him some time to notice that now she squished when someone was touching her. She wasn't recharging. She seemed... soft. He wasn't sure if her body was transformed or he was perceiving her as such. She was always human after all. At least to him.
"Penny, I'm so proud of you." Something he always wanted to say. Did he ever say it? He couldn't recall. At least he could and would keep telling her now. Despite he had no idea if she could hear him.
"I'm so proud and I'm so sorry." He couldn't help smiling when he was seeing, observing how she acted around other people. How much effort she was putting into helping others. "You deserved so much better." Did he have any right to be saying any of that? He didn't know. He only knew that he still loved her dearly and regretted that he didn't make sure she knew that before the disaster happened.
Things had been... things had been hard. She had been… kind of miserable, honestly. Despite the positivity she showed to her friends, and to others around her, despite how quick she was to help, despite how much she wanted to be bright and upbeat, like Nora and Yang, it was... very hard to be happy. Really, the brightest points for her these days were mainly only when she received an assignment to pick off grimm at the perimeter: she was able to take out large hordes quickly, after all, so she was especially useful. And… well, it felt like deployment. It was familiar.
Unfortunately, that familiarity just… wasn’t enough. Not when everything was so different. Everything felt different. Literally. Even feeling felt different. Her body, even now, still felt so wrong. It didn't feel like hers. Sensations and textures and temperature and sounds and light were all so much. All of the time. Clothing was so uncomfortable. People coughing behind their masks in the market place made her feel sick. She couldn’t stand to eat, or to be around others who were, because the sounds of squishing food in mouths caused her physical pain, despite Weiss’ insistence that that wasn’t possible. Sometimes, nothing around her felt real, and sometimes, she didn't feel real, either.
She missed Atlas. She missed her home. And... well, she missed the general, too, of course. Even if everyone around her insisted that she shouldn't, or "didn't owe him that." Or reminded her, over and over and over, and over, of what he had done. But it was... very hard not to miss him, when he was literally written into her code as someone important. It seemed that, even now, despite an organic brain and nerves and veins instead of wires and tubes, her programming remained, in some way: even though she knew why, understood why, she still found herself panicking a little whenever she realized it had been "too long" since a check-in, and when she would check her scroll, she would realize the frequency was out of range. And then, when she remembered why, it... hurt. All over again.
It felt like failure.
Could she have done something different? Was there anything she could have tried, maybe that wouldn't have saved the kingdom, but that would have saved at least one more life? Would it hurt any less if she had tried, and had failed more directly? Could knowing with absolute certainty, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that she did everything she could have prevented this pain? Or... at least could it have any chance of one day fading away?
There was the tight feeling in her throat again. She hated it. And the burn in her cheeks and the sting in her eyes before the tears came, not that it felt any better when they finally did. But... there was no stopping them. There never was.
Penny pulled her knees up to her chest to hide her face against them, allowing herself one audible, shuddering breath before gritting her teeth together so that no sound could escape and alert anyone to come check on her.
the first law of tragedies: the end is already written and inevitable. the second law of tragedies: your actions are all your own and you can choose to get off this ride whenever you want. the third law of tragedies: we both know that you are never going to do that.

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What Are You Seeking?
PEACE
"i survived because the fire in me burned brighter than the fire around me."
oh, little soldier, how long have you been at war with yourself? how much of yourself have you lost to the fire that's made its home in your heart? oh, but who can blame you? for as long as you can remember, you've had to face the world alone. all bared teeth and bloody knuckles. you learned young the only person you could rely on was yourself, didn't you? learned that the others would leave you to the wolves? and so you learned how to fight, how to stand tall even if you stood alone, how to shed the softness that wounded you before. but that isn't very sustainable, is it? the embers you swallowed, the fire you cloaked yourself in, it doesn't just burn the world around you. you have watched piece after piece of you go up in smoke: your hope, your smile, your mercy. what you seek is an end to the seemingly endless burning. and, little phoenix, you deserve it. please, breathe out. lean on me. the world isn't as cruel as you've made it out to be: it is okay to stop fighting. it is okay to let go of that anger. there is so much more to you, so much more that you have. the serenity you seek can be granted, but only once you are willing to work on letting go of the hate you've harbored for so long now.
stolen! steal it!
@atlesiandream liked for a starter!
"So, Penny... you and Winter seem to get along... well." If you asked her, Weiss would insist she wasn't jealous. She just... wasn't used to seeing Winter actually getting along with people.
She hoped that said more about Winter than it did about her.
“Yes, I like Specialist Schnee very much!” Penny beams, nodding. “I admire many things about her. You are very lucky to have a sister like her!”
characters who view themselves as tools/weapons first and people second... characters who martyr themselves for a cause because they think that's the only way they can be worth something... characters who push themselves past their breaking point again and again and again... characters for whom devotion and masochism are inseparable... characters whose self-sacrifice becomes self-annihilation...... what was my point again? i had a point. anyway.
What fact do they excitedly tell everyone about at every opportunity?
input: CHARBUILD.exe | accepting
[ Quite honestly, she will repeat any cool fact that she knows if the situation calls for it. Or if she's nervous. Think Vincent Nigel-Murray from Bones. She'll just Give You Facts. Did you know that the kingdom of Mistral, including the outlying villages, throws away 900 billion individual chopsticks every year? You do now. Did you know that penguins hold their eggs on their feet to keep them warm? Now you do! ]
"I don't think I did anything wrong. James said he liked to play catch, and I asked if he'd catch anything. He said yes; I told him to catch these hands and punched him in the face."
“I do not believe I should have to tell you that assault is illegal...”

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Send “✘” for your muse to run their fingers along mine’s scars!
@atlesiandream from starter call!
"Hey, Penny, what's black and white and red all over?"
“Um... is it Ruby?”
his thousand yard stare and aura of tragedy has bewitched me body and soul
I’m Swear Jar Ready
“That was fast.”
I am always monitoring local channels for swear jar enforcement purposes.
I’m Swear Jar Ready

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@atlesiandream fancy donut-squares ;u; :
James blinked at the plate, needing a moment to pull his thoughts away from the budgeting for the new project and direct them to what he was looking at. Oh. That’s so sweet of her.
“Thank you, Penny.” He smiled, for once really relieved to be given a snack. Especially something that won’t make him recall absolutely disgusting discussion with Qrow about food. He might have skipped a few meals because of it. Well, he’s suddenly feeling hungry enough to try one of these right away.
“This is incredibly good. You… baked them yourself?” That’s a wild guess on how these are prepared. He might have seen then in bakery, but he doesn’t really pay much attention to sweets, so he has zero idea about this snack.
“Beignets!” Penny informed him happily, tapping away on her tablet: presumably creating a schedule or answering an email or something else she had to take care of. “They are just dough fried in cottonseed oil and topped with powdered sugar. They also happen to be one of my father’s favorite breakfast foods. I am happy to hear that you enjoy them!”
There’s a single beat before she continues. “When I made breakfast this morning, I decided to finish up a few of the ingredients we had so I was not leaving too little to do anything with, so I made... quite a few extra. There is a container of them in the senior staff lounge a few floors down.”
🍴
would u like a hecking beesechurger | accepting
Penny places the paper plate onto the general’s desk on top of the paperwork she deposits: they’re the same fried dough squares that are sitting in a large tupperware container in the staff lounge, but they’ve been topped with powdered sugar recently, considering that the plate bears traces of the fallout. She’s delivered similar plates to a few other desks, too.