my heart is a tripwire

Marlow on the verge of a breakdown because he has been pulling away for good reasons and he is NOT homophobic in the least. He has no way to explain any of this to Holzy and has to make peace with the fact that Shane thinks he does not like him much.

Marlow does not tell Hollanov about the new bisexuality thing - it feels presumptive and dirty to him to even think to share that. Spending more time with Roz (post Shane's intervention) is torture. Seeing Shane's satisfied smile when he looks at him and Roz hang out is like a knife to the back. Shane's new detached approach to Marlow feels like his limb has been cut off.

Marlow's (very catholic coded) self flagulation is slowly eating him alive but he is too smitten to protect himself. He has always been a very passionate man and his heart cannot take it.

Marlow dismissing Roz's concerns that he stopped dating (two years post Hollanov reveal). Marlow trying hard to win back Shane's favor but being dismissed. "Marlow, it's fine, you don't need to worry about me."

Marlow not even being sure what the point is because it's not like Hollanov are anything other than super monogamous. There is no hope for him and yet here he is, pining away.

---

How do they get together?

Marlow starts therapy because of how obsessed he has become and how debilitating his attraction is. He needs to fix it so that he can be a good friend to Roz and Hollzy. He doesn't want to be a creep but obviously pulling away is not an option (see intervention above).

The therapist asks him to write down the thoughts that cause him distress/showcase how he feels so that they can discuss during the session.

Its the summer. Marlow is crashing at a hotel near the camp. Roz is waiting for him to be done with his shower so that they can go out. He sees a fancy book and in very obvious Roz fashion, he reads it.

At first it seems like Marlow wants to work through his problem with Hollanov being an item but the more notes Roz reads the more clear it becomes that Marlow is attracted to them...

There is some blatant stuff that spells it out in the pages. The last page has a note on it - "have to go out with Roz - gona try to hit on a few white girls like the old days, is that self harm if i take them home to show I'm normal? Ask"

And

"Should i confess to Holzy? Holzy tells me to fuck off and keep me from seeing Roz and will tell Roz? Good idea? Band-Aid"

And

"Polyamory real? Is it unstable childhood or am i just horn"

And

"Would a threesome help fix mt feelings or fuck me up?"

And

"Shane does not like me and I dont feel any less crazy about him. Will this ever go away"

And

"Am I a bad friend? Am i even a friend anymore?"

Marlow finding Roz reading through his Journal and tries to laugh it off. He hopes that Roz only had a chance to read a few things and not pages (like what actually happened).

Roz tells him that they should talk about the Journal after they go out to party the conclusion of the camps. Marlow drinks more than he wanted to because Roz is just too convincing.

Marlow wakes up in a Hollanov guest bedroom. And Marlow is not naive, Roz likely wanted to ambush him with a talk - that is reason enough as to why he is not in his hotel room that was a mare 10 minutes from the bar (the Hollanov house is more like 40 minutes from the bar). Marlow immediately knows that Ilya had read multiple pages. No Marlow is not going to put himself through the humiliation ritual of getting rejected when he knows there is no chance anyways. He quickly gets all of his stuff manages to get to the airport within the hour. His luggage is a mess but it zips up and that is all that matters. He moves up his flight back to Boston and sends a text to Ilya apologizing for booking it.

"Hey, I wanted to apologize for making you uncomfortable and lying to you and Hollander. I was selfish continuing our friendship and I think it would be best if I no longer contact you and work on myself. I hope that one day you can forgive me, maybe we can even be friends without all of this complicated stuff. I'm sorry but I am blocking you and Hollander."

Cliff does not hear from Hollanov for 2 months. He works on himself as promised but the sticky feelings have permanently stained his heart. With each day, the possibility of being friends with at least Ilya again seems impossible.

Marlow is struck down dumb one day by Shane Hollander being at his front door. He looks pissed and Marlow want's to crawl in a hole and die at the sight - but mama did not raise no bitch and he lets the man in. He expects to be lectured on being a shit friend or a lecture on staying away better now that the season is about to start.

Instead Shane is indignant at Marlow's cowardice. He rants about understanding that Ilya has a big heart and how loved Marlow is by Roz. Shane say things about how, if it's Marlow, then he would be happy to share. Marlow is tearing Ilya apart by keeping himself away and Ilya does not think he has earned this much love in his life. Ilya was going to silently choose Shane if Shane hasn't been so in tune with what Ilya needs. Shane had figured it out all on his own and forced Ilya to confess.

Holzy, it turns out, will stop at nothing to make sure Ilya has everything he wants.

Marlow has to stop the man ans explain that it's not only Roz that he has a crush on. Marlow explains that he is down bad for Shane as well and so Marlow should not take Shane's willingness to share as a legitimate offer.

Marlow is taken aback by the heat in Shane's eyes. When he thinks he is about to get punched, Shane kisses him instead. Its violent, aggressive, claiming. Heat licks up his core and Marlow is consumed by need as his hands find purchase on Holzy's hips.

Holzy pants right into his mouth - hot and wet. Marlow's brain is not connecting anything in the background. All he can focus on is Shane Shane Shane...up until Shane's phone buzzes.

Shane breaks the spell between them - instead of coming to his sense, Shane smirks.

"Looks like Ilya figured out I'm with you - he is mad I kissed you first"

There is something terrible in Shane's eyes.