A Team♥

my stupid shitfuck idiot brain immediately screams

JOHN MULANEY: I normally don’t notice people. I zone out constantly. Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes? I’ve been zoned out since 2014.

AUDEINCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I just - all day long, I wander into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast. 

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I can zone out anywhere - I was at the doctor’s office, he was reading me the results of a blood test, it was important I listened, and I zoned out! I was like, “nah, I’m gonna stare at the wall and think my thoughts”.

AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS

MULANEY: I was like, “huh. None of the Beatles had moustaches… but then one day, all of them had moustaches.”

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: “That’s weird, I can’t think of a time a group has done that”. Some people in my life don’t want me to zone out as much - they want me to focus, and they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried meditating, but I’ve been trying it. This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS -

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight! Alright?! It’s never gonna happen! If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet with your elbow on your knee while kind of looking at your phone, I’d be the Dalai Lama.  

AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS

MULANEY: I don’t like sitting up straight. So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Don’t bother! The moment is mediocre at best!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: I mean, it’s fine. Let’s all try right now - let’s all be in the moment, in silence, right now. [A HALF-SECOND PAUSE] Sucked, right? Not fun at all! 

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: That was boring! You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theatre in your brain that plays fake arguments that you win.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS/APPLAUDS

MULANEY: Have you ever just been sitting there thinking about something for twenty, twenty-five minutes, and all of a sudden you’re like “oh my god, I’m driving!” and you remember? You’re like -

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

MULANEY: “I’m going seventy-five miles an hour! I have been for a while! I could’ve changed so many lives!” Sometimes, my wife - I have this wife - she’ll be like, “are you watching the road?” and I’m always like, “I am looking through the windshield.”

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Geisha became what they are known as today in the mid-1700s. the first actual geisha were men and they entertained shogun and samurai (and other wealthy men) with dance, music and the art of tea ceremony and theater. when courtesans were losing money to these male geisha, a few of them broke away from being in the sex business and became female geisha. therefore, geisha as an occupation never was a thing of the sex trade/prostitution and absolutely NOT stripping. 

let me dispel some common misconceptions:

so, geisha were never prostitutes, never perform sex acts or even accept relationships/marriage proposals until after they retire from being a geisha (usually in their 30s, tho some women stay geisha until death by choice).

while geisha in the past (we are talking almost 100 years ago by now) have been given to Okiya (geisha houses) by their families, it was usually due to the families inability to afford their child and rather than let the child be homeless and starve, they gave them to an Okiya where they would live a much better life (Okiya housed other geisha within that Okiya’s special “familiy”; the Okasan–”Mother”–of the house protected them, gave them a comfortable living, fed them, sent them to all their classes, spent money on their personal kimono and make-up, and who arrange their finances and plan their parties and events). Nowadays, and pretty much since the 1940s, Geisha become Geisha by choice and enter into the profession after they graduate middle school (it is even required in most cases that they complete at least that level of schooling before becoming a Geisha) willingly.

GEISHA wear their Obi belts tied tightly in the back to hold together their Kimono; these belts are so long and heavy that the Okiya hires a male dresser to assist in tying these Obi every night before a party or event. a geisha could not strip or easily take off her many layers of Kimono/undergarments and so the assumption that they are strippers just doesn’t make any sense. a traditional courtesan or TAYUU/OIRAN wore her Obi belt loosely tied in the front so that she could easily untie it for a customer.

There is no empirical evidence of there being any such thing as “mizuage” (as referred to by Arthur Golden in ‘Memoirs of a Geisha’) in the geisha world. there is however evidence of the ritual of mizuage in the Tayuu (or Oiran depending on the region, i think) courtesan tradition. a courtesan who was being initiated would have a ceremony where wealthy men bid for her virginity, with the highest bid being the winner. These Tayuu (or Oiran) are absolutely NOT in any form in relation to a Geisha. i will also mention that prostitution in Japan has been illegal since 1959, officially.

“Comfort Women” from the WWII era were prostitutes that told American GIs that they were “geisha” in order to make more money and to play on the exoticism that was so popular in the US at the time. this is where a big portion of the “Geisha are prostitutes” misconception came from. 

“Hot Springs Geisha” and Bar Hostesses in Tokyo are trained in a similar way to traditional Geisha in that they have skills in the art of conversation and even some musical skill, however these women are NOT Geisha. “Hot Springs Geisha” are also known to engage in sex acts with hot springs patrons (though it is frowned upon) and so bring another incorrect image of sex-acts to the name of Geisha.

While there have I’m sure been cases of abuse from an Okasan to her Geisha throughout the history of the profession, this is usually not the case, and to say that “many or all Okasan are abusive and manipulative to their Geisha” is ignorant and offensive.

DO NOT READ “MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA”!! If you already have, I would strongly suggest you read other books on the subject of Geisha. Arthur Golden (a white man)  wrote this book to make money off of the many misconceptions about Geisha, Geiko and Maiko. Everything he says about the Geisha tradition is incorrect, from the part where he explains why “some Geisha” wear lipstick only on the bottom lip (this actually signifies that a Maiko has only been in training for under a year) to his horrible, offensive and incorrect description of a Geisha going through mizuage. He interviewed a very well-known geisha named Mineko Iwasaki for his book, which he then exploited and changed around for his benefit. She even tried to sue him for libel for taking stories from her personal life, twisting it and turning it into a book that lies about the fundamentals of being a Geisha.  I would recommend reading, “Geisha, A Life” by Mineko Iwasaki. she has written about what it really means to be a Geisha.

Here are is a picture of a Geiko (a fully-fledged Geisha who has completed most of her training and has become a professional):

Here is a picture of a Maiko (a Geisha-in-training who is still an apprentice and usually works alongside her “Older Sister” or her assigned Geiko partner; her Older Sister is in charge of most of a Maiko’s social training):

Here is the difference in dress between a Geiko and a Maiko:

Here is a Tayuu courtesan (high end prostitute); this profession no longer exists, any modern photographs of one is of an actress for historical theater purposes. Notice the Obi belt tied in front and the overall difference in dress. This was what courtesans looked like:

This is a photo of “Hot Springs Geisha” in the 60s. Notice the women serving drinks and entertaining men at the tables:

Here is a picture of an Ozashiki (party, event or gathering where Geisha are hired to entertain with music, dance, conversation and drink serving) today. It is much, much, much different (and more expensive) than an average hostess bar, and takes place within an Ochaya (traditional teahouse). As you can see, men are not the only ones who have booked an Ozashiki with Geisha:

Please do not spread misconceptions about these hard-working women artists. They deserve respect and have persevered for centuries with women at the forefront of these professions. Not only are these women trained to entertain party patrons, but they are also highly skilled in theater and the performing arts. Surrounding the Geisha are women wigmakers, female Shamisen, drum, flute ensembles, hairdressers, kimono artisans, well-respected dance/music/tea ceremony teachers, jewelry and hair accessory makers, Okobo and Zori footwear artisans, teahouse staff and Ozashiki planners, instrument craftsmen, and many, many more. If you would like to know more about Geisha, there are many books written by former Geisha out there.

Here is a short video of a Geisha performance, it is the annual Miyako Odori (”Cherry Blossom” Dance):

Arthur is the Head of an ancient House and also a Ministry department where he is pretty much unquestioned. (Bc the purists are ignoring him. Likely because they cannot actually, politically, magically, nor physically remove him if he does not wish to go.) He is a damn genius for enchantments and charms, constantly undoing the spellwork of others as his day job. And his hobbies involve placing incredibly complex magic on incredibly complex muggle contraptions. He learned to charm the Ford Angela without the help of muggles. I think he may have been on the verge of an epiphany with his collection of batteries. Storing energy? To make up for the lack of an ability to conduct magic at a whim? Genius. The man meets a kid raised as a muggle and immediately asks him to clarify the purpose of an item he didn’t understand. He never dismisses children as not smart. And that’s just the father, who has served in two domestic wars and survived.

Molly is an unsung war hero herself. Which is buried by the fandom. She herself wields charms and enchantments like a proper story time witch. Disney’s version of Merlin had less skill, honestly. She survived two wars and seven pregnancies. She has, seemingly, lost her entire family. Only her brothers are mentioned and that’s because they themselves died taking out death eaters. She is, to our knowledge, the only surviving Prewitt. Molly has fed an underground resistance movement. She has clothed and cared for them and provided a solid sense of stability. And that’s just the second war, where she was constantly reminded of all she lost in the first one. God only knows how much she fought and helped in the first war. Judging by how fucking deadly she was in the last battle and how capable she is before and how capable her children were, I’m willing to be she wrecked shop every time she entered the scene.

Bill is a prodigy of ward magic, which I logically assume is connected to charms and enchantments. He’s so good that goblins, who have been shown to be reclusive and secretive at best, trust him to go into ancient tombs and bust them open without dying. Then he survives a werewolf attack with only a few side effects and scars. He’s probably also immune to veela charms? I’d believe it.

Charlie literally raises and cares after dragons. _DRAGONS_ The big ancient bitey fucks that fairy tales and table top games are made of. What little he’s shown, he’s incredibly competent and confident and that’s all the shit I expect of a man that became a dragon veterinarian.

Percy is a book smart tactical genius. He’s got some character flaws that are enhanced by Harry’s perspective, but he’s every bit his parents’ son and it shows in the end.

The twins are fucking lethal. Like, had they not been raised by Molly and Arthur, they would have been off the charts in terms of sheer damage. They are, individually, more Slytherin than Harry ever could have been. They were making weapons and tools for the resistance while they were still in school. You can’t tell me that the boys named after their heroic uncles didn’t have that in the back of their minds. “If everything goes to shit like it did back then, we’ll be ready.” Ready with tools for escape, magic to entangle and distract, spy gear the likes of which James Bond would die for.

Ron. Brave, intelligent, stalwart, headstrong Ronald. The first friend Harry ever had and it wasn’t because of timing or being in the right place or even Harry. Ron saw a kid worse off than him, lost and scrawny, and was like “Someone needs to help him.” And he fucking did. He, like every brother before him, found his calling. Fourth year showed us exactly what he could have been doing instead of risking his life all the time. He could have been a bro with Seamus and Dean and just been a background character. He was not required to risk his life time after time. He has a family that he was loyal to, even when they made him feel like he wasn’t enough. But he actively chose to be loyal to Harry, again and again. No matter the cost. And every time he left, he came back further convinced that being beside Harry was the right and good thing. But even outside of Harry, he’s so fucking smart. Unmotivated sometimes. Frank to the point of offense other times. But intelligent. It wasn’t just chess or playing Keeper. He made damn good grades and became a prefect and it wasn’t just for shits and giggles. He was damn good.

And Ginny. The best of the fucking best. Cream of the crop. The Phoenix herself. Sneakier than the twins, sharper than Percy, bold face braver than Charlie or Ron, more magically gifted than Bill, and confident in herself in all that she did. A resistance fighter before she even left school. A friend to the lost just like Ron, but even less of an occasional asshole. We didn’t deserve her, but no one (except maybe Luna) ever could.