art now

I'm really far from some key stereotypes

I've rejected womanhood for a long time,

But I'm not brave enough to let go of it completely

There's solace in being a woman, and there's the dangerous unknown that lies outside.

I'd like to be in the middle, but I am not brave enough.

So while I'm stuck with womanhood, I can't help but to digress

I failed at being a woman

I failed the people that expected womanhood from me

I failed womanhood's demands

I failed the stereotypes

And I'm not usually one for stereotypes — it's quite the contrary—

But being a woman but not really a woman grants you a unique feeling of inadequacy

I can hang out with the girls, but some of the conversation doesn't make sense to me

I don't date, I don't go out, I don't understand make up

I like to look in the mirror and see masculine energy

But since I've been failing at being a woman since I was a teen

I still want the hyperfeminine body to appease the 15 year old me

I still want to prove that I'm not undesirable and look like a boy

(As an insult.

I don't mind looking like a boy now.)

First, rejecting womanhood was about not wanting to grow up

I cried desperate tears the day I got my first period because I knew that meant I was done for

Rejecting womanhood then became about pretending I wasn't phased about how everything was changing.

"This is not a big deal for me, I don't want to feel like a 13 year old adult "

"I don't want the attention of men, only if they want to be friends"

Time passes.

I start to think rejecting womanhood was a mistake because now getting attention from men feels mandatory and it seems a little too late for me.

Years later, I spiral.

I want attention from men, women, any gender.

I, personally, don't really have any attention to give to anyone.

I can't feel shit.

I feel NONE of the shit you promised I'd feel

So I am completely alienated again, and this time is more complicated

Because time is running out and I'm getting older

And this whole thing is starting to look abnormal

And the worst thing about it is I can't fake any of this.

So I sit in silence and contemplate if this is ever going to change

What are the odds of this changing?

It's like playing a game

But you messed up badly on the first chapter

And now you've gotta play another 50 hours of that fucked up game