Astral Toast

Context: Pathfinder game where our party stopped at a town late at night. Apparently the trader that we were supposed to meet rented the rooms for us, so all of the party except , the elf wizard (Me), half-dwarf cleric (GM), and human barbarian went to sleep. The Cleric and barbarian did a drinking game with Dragon Ale before everyone went to sleep. Sufficed to say they got shitfaced drunk and broke into an alchemist shop, and what happened next was… special to say.

Barbarian: “Do you know what any of these labels mean?”

Cleric: “No clue.”

The barbarian then grabs random shit off the shelves and says: “Greens stuff is good right? You know wha, im gonna drink it.”

The barbarian then drank a potion of Haste, and then smoked some really fucking strong herb which increased his strength and put him into a rage. He then put a hole into the shop wall, and knocked a candle down on the ground, setting the shop on fire.

Barbarian after starting the fire: “Awwwww man I gooota church ya?”

Cleric: “Huh, oh, OH, FIRE, FIIIIRE! PUNCH THE FIRE!”

The barbarian then punches the fire causing flaming splinters to go everywhere causing the fire to spread even more now.

Cleric: “AHHHHH!”

Barbarian: “We got to pray it away.”

Cleric: “Quick! PRAY THE SINS AWAY!”

The barbarian with a cleric on his back goes charging full steam ahead to the Chapel.

GM: Also [Wizard] you probably notice the fire by now through the windows

Me (OOC): Great, not like I can do anything about it.

IC I run to the building and go through my bag trying to find that scroll of create water, forgetting I used it earlier to make some water for 2 of our teammates to bathe cause they didn’t want to spend 5 silver for the public bath house.

Me: “Oh shit!” I then run back into the Inn and yell “FIRE! A BUILDING IS ON FIRE.”

Back to the duo who started this incident, they go the chapel, no one is there, the cleric remembers they are a cleric and  tells the barbarian to confess his sins to her, and the barbarian says: “Don’t we need one of those box things to confess our sins?”

Cleric: “What, no screw boxes, in fact. SCREW THIS BOX RIGHT HERE!”

The cleric then breathes fire on the box and then starts a fire in the chapel. They then decide its a good time to go to sleep. The barbarian goes charging full speed ahead to the inn… but first back to me

A local mage in their pajamas wakes up

Mage: “Whats the commotion?”

Me: “Hurry we need to do something, theres a fire outsid-”

Suddenly the barbarian with the cleric on his back comes charging straight through the wall. My character is starting to connect 2 and 2

Me: “What the fu- wait a minute? where the hell were you guys?”

The cleric then throws a rock at me and they both continue to their rooms, still drunk, and pass out.

Some of the NPCs then notice the fire and put out the one in the chapel, but  couldn’t stop the fire from the alchemist shop from spreading and destroying the library, meaning I can’t buy any spells at this town.

We then ended the session with all the party laughing, except for me wondering what the hell just happened.

My character, a Druid, needs to feel a creature’s heartbeat to learn its shape. The Paladin’s mount is a Giant Goat that doesn’t let the Druid touch it.

Druid: I propose a trade. - I hold out a Goodberry from my satchel. - This is a very nutritious and tasty-

DM: Before you can finish your sentence, the goat eats the Goodberry, almost taking your hand off. - Okay, you can touch me.

(I do so). 

DM: But you can’t learn its shape, because technically, it’s not a Beast, it’s a Celestial. (as the Goat): Ha! And that’s how its done!

Druid: &!*%!!!! I flip off the goat.

Paladin: Draxus glares, respect the holy mount.

DM: … What’s your AC?…. As you flip it off the goat turns, and shoots with uncanny accuracy a glob of shit from its asshole that lands on your finger and hand and splashes on your chest.

Druid:… I wipe my hand. On Draxus’s armor.

Paladin: ! I cast Hold Person!

Druid (realizing what that implies): Wait! Can I save against it or something! I don’t wanna stay down here for a full minute with this goat!

DM: Go ahead.

Druid:…5.

Paladin (doubling over with laughter): Draxus leaves her there.

DM: The Goat stalks closer with an evil glint in its eye.

Druid (OOC): Shit.

Humans. Pokémon. Ryan Reynolds.

Wait—Ryan Reynolds?!

Wizard (Just before entering): I’m going to use comprehend languages

*About 10 minutes of shenanigans go by*

DM: As you’re walking up the stream you hear “Let it go!” and turn to find a massive wall of water coming towards you.

Party: Uh oh

Water ends up pushing my character back outside the hideout

Wizard: Well, see you later!

Dm: As you’re saying that you hear “Again!”

Wizard gets pushed back this time