I... we?... have been experiencing signs of plurality for a while now. We probably just never noticed before.
But it is confusing and a mess and We don't know how to navigate any of this. We feel severely overwhelmee by everything to do with headmates and we have no one that could really... help us navigate this.
I have been the host or main fronter, or however you wanna call it, for ages now. At least I think I am still the same alter. But the others have expressed their desire to front as well, and I have been agonizing, laying awake at night wishing, praying that I didn't have to front anymore... but we don't know how.
How can I give the reigns to one of my headmates. How can I take a backseat and let the others take over... and on that note... How do I even properly communicate with them? So far any communication and any other headmate fronting was a big coincidence, something I had no conscious control over and neither did the others
It feels agonizing, knowing there is so much more in us, so many more facets and people to explore, but I am keeping them trapped. I am depriving them of the chance to live by not knowing how any of this works
"but I am keeping them trapped"
Before launching into your questions, I would urge you to be kind to yourself. Sounds to me like you aren't trying to take control. Maybe it's subconscious or maybe your brain's just ordained you to be the fronter for a whole host of unknown or lizard brain type reasons. It's okay that you don't know, the brain is a black box, even to ourselves. Your goal is a very noble one, but try your best to approach it with curiosity, kindness, and patience. It's not going to go any faster otherwise.
Now...
"How can I give the reigns to one of my headmates. How can I take a backseat and let the others take over… and on that note… How do I even properly communicate with them?"
Let me start by saying there is likely not going to be one way that works all the time for either of these. Some parts are summoned and communicated to differently, and sometimes it just isn't going to work. Your use of the word "prayer" honestly rings very true to me. It took me a year before my communication attempts stopped always feeling like a Hail Mary (honestly they still often do).
When you do know a fair bit about your headmates, you might try summoning them via calling out their name, performing their interests, or interacting with their favorite items (even dressing in clothing or items they prefer). That's if you're trying to commune with a specific one, but I'd also recommend just thinking or saying aloud, "Is anyone there?" and really intently listen for a bit to see if you get any response back. Communication isn't always clear, sometimes it takes a bit of tuning, so you're really listening for any signal in response. I like to think of it like I'm trying to tune to a new station on a radio through a lot of interference.
If that's worked and you've got them where you can talk to them, well, try talking to them in whatever way feels best write, type in a word doc (or use plural kit), aloud or in your head, whatever feels best to you. Don't be afraid to try something different or something more rudimentary if the other ways don't seem to work. Don't be afraid to get creative.
If all else fails try asynchronous communication. Try to leave notes in physical space or headspace (if you have that). This is always difficult because it's pretty easy for a part to miss a note, so you may have to leave many notes and try in many different places. But also sometimes the act of writing the note kind of delivers the message. Also another headmate might be able to help you pass it along.
Ask lots of questions and be clear about your intentions. If you try a bit too hard to communicate with less than clear or kind intentions, your parts may notice this and step away. That's okay, it's a learning process and an attempt at communication, even imperfect is still a sign of love.
Lastly, sometimes you don't need to give up front to help your headmates. If you identify what they want, need, or who they are, you can try to incorporate those things into your life, trying them and making them accessible. Sometimes in order to make a headmate feel welcome you kind of have to build that space for them. When one of my parts stops fronting for a while it's usually because there really isn't anything for them in my life. Either my life is uncomfortable or triggering for them, or there's not enough really worthwhile for them.
I'll get a little personal here, but I've not been very welcome in my system, historically speaking. When I did communicate it was often in extreme phrases because that's all my system seemed to pay attention to, and even then they often got dismissed as intrusive thoughts. The things that brought me joy and relief, were seen as edgy and shameful. I couldn't communicate that at first, because nobody was listening to me for so long and I was in a lot of pain. But when one of my parts was patient with communicating to me, listening and responding to all of what I had to say even if I was being a bit frustrating and uncompromising, it meant a lot. Eventually, slowly, we were able to work out what specifically was bothering me, figuring out when and what would be triggering for me, and our life became less overwhelming. Eventually we worked out what I liked and our life begin to have those things in it for me. It's pretty normal for me to front now, due in large part to our life better accommodating me.
You clearly care a lot about your headmates, and I'm sure they know that. You are not failing them. You are doing your best. You're not alone, I'm sure plenty of people can speak to your same frustrations. But you also aren't alone in your head, so maybe soon you can work together to solve this. You're just a part too. It's not all on you to fix everything. Speaking from a girl who has spent a lot of time beating up on herself, you have time, so please be kind to yourself as well.
Thank you very much for your detailed answer. I will probably be reading through it a few times during the next few weeks to try and practice what you have advised me to do.
And... I know that I am very hard on myself. It is something I tend to fall into and am actively working on. I think what triggered this unkindness specifically is that it feels like... before I was aware that I might be a system, going back to my childhood, I have responded to, what could have been headmates in retrospect, by trying to drown them out. Pushing them down and repressing them, because to me they were just uncomfortable thoughts, feelings I didn't want to deal with and conversations I didn't wanna have with "myself". It feels like I stuffed them into the darkest corners of my brain, making them suffer, because I was scared of them and I am feeling a lot of guilt about that and resentment towards myself for it.
Those feelings are probably what make me so desperate to want to give them the possibility to exist.
And I hope that I will now have tools to do that, so thank you very much
