a star's orbit

I don’t know what to do but I’m definitely leaning toward breaking up with him. Not for any good reason, honestly. Fear is a great motivator though. He is really sweet, and good to me. But he definitely is not perfect with his male self. He can be terribly unobservant and socially awkward. Why his mother didn’t tell him not to point out the size of the tip you left to the waiter is beyond me. But that was painful. He does get bonus points for his ability to know when I’m upset. That’s a skill my mother never managed to master. But at the same time his “I don’t want to talk about it” stance every time some sort of argument comes up is starting to get on my nerves. I guess from my experience most guys just want things to go away, they acknowledge it happened and move on. Not me. I take forever to work up to talking about it, but I definitely need to talk about it. 

A week ago I thought he might be marriage material, and I told him that. Silly me, I know commitment scares me.Because acknowledging that I felt like he might be perfect for me, brought up the reality that my biggest fear is a failed relationship. Wow, that seems petty when phrased that way. Most people I know are scared of ending up alone. I’m the opposite. I’d rather be single, my own person, forever than run the risk of someone walking out on me after I’ve made them important to me. Terrified is the word I would use, because I’m sitting here, in tears working up to breaking up with him because I’m an emotional train wreck. 

I started crying when he went to leave Sunday morning. He asked why and I played it off on tiredness. He thinks it’s because I believe he didn’t actually want to spend Saturday with me but instead wanted to head o the birth of his nephew. That’s a totally different argument. What it really was, was my emotional upheaval over knowing I was considering ending things. My need to talk to him about the worry and fear I’m experienceing but knowing I can’t. I can’t because what was I supposed to do...say “I’m crying becase I think this may not work?” Right as he’s rushing out the door for a family trip? No, it wasn’t right. He had other things to worry about. And that’s part of my problem, I never, ever, let myself think I should come first to someone. Because I’m terrified that I wouldn’t come first to them. Because I’m worried about expressing myself with him. He takes things so seriously, and I’m not sure he’d be willing to talk this out with me. To help me understand what I’m feeling and express myself fully to him without fear of repercussions. I don’t know how to tell him that I’m still scared. That all my bluster of feeling sure of him is just covering my fear. My paranoid fear of a failed or miserable marriage. Because on Friday night he walked off to get another beer, and I thought he was just going to smoke. He was gone longer than I expected and I thought he had left. Literally, I thought he was gone. Because that’s my first thought, that they’ll leave. It doesn’t matter that he’s never given me any indication that he would be that way. And he would have major hurt feeling over that. So I don’t say anything and instead it becomes a tiny wound, that other inocuous things expand on until I’ve totally shut down and decided it would be better to just end it.

My major hang up right now. Aside from my realization that this is to some (major) extent rooted in fear, is our family cultures. Again, part of this goes back to my inability to feel like anyone should put me first. And some of it is this is a bad week, which happen semi-regularly and I just feel horrible about myself and everything else. In any case his family is crazy tight knit. And while I’m relatively close to mine, at least my grandparents and siblings...he takes it to a new level. He talks to him mom everyday, throughout the day. When he found out his sister-in-law went into labor, he called his mom 3 times to figure out his plan of action. He called pretty much every hour for the rest of the day (see why I think he probably didn’t want to be with me?). He was totally baffled that I didn’t call my mom multiple times Saturday b/c it was her birthday. Ok 1. That’s obnoxious. No one wants to have their day interrupted multiple times times to just to tell someone what they are doing. 2. I told her Happy Birthday, I was planning to call Sunday or Monday, after it was all done to ask how it all went. Normal. But my mom and I don’t talk all that much, we aren’t really that close. We have a rather contentious relationship. And that’s where this worry stems from. I don’t think I’ll fit into his family. Because I don’t want my own mother that involved in my life, let alone my mother in law. And I’ve seen the havoc that stems from a contentious in-law relationship. My mother hates her’s, and it causes lots of stress and tension. So am I supposed to ask him to totally change? Because most people won’t. But is it terrible for me to think that I as a wife should come before his mother? That I want to make decisions with my husband, not our respective families and each other. I’m watching the way they interact over this birth and all I’m thinking is “This won’t work.” Because I will not be glued to my phone giving my family constant updates on the state of my cervix. I will not have every family member show up at my hospital room, and I will certainly not be speaking to my brother-in-law in the middle of labor. I think having your child is a stressful situation that should be about the new nuclear family. Others can come visit once I am home and settled with my new child. And I don’t think he understands that viewpoint. I don’t think he understands why I wouldn’t want my extended family intimately involved in my life. 

However, it brings up another point. My reaction to this child makes me wonder if I actually want children. I don’t particularly like newborns. And I’ve always struggled to care about people I don’t know. But it is perhaps telling that I want to tell my boyfriend “I don’t care” when he sent me a picture of this new human. Newborns are ugly, and this child means nothing to me. I don’t know his parents, I only know his uncle. And I’m trying to decide if I’ll continue that relationship. Though honestly I’m ambivalent towards a lot of people. I love my sisters, and I bonded strongly with my Best Friend’s children. But I’m ambivalent towards my cousins, and I don’t really feel like my uncle’s wife is my family. I’m sure that’s awful. But I just don’t. I feel no emotional attachment to her or her child (My uncle’s step-daughter).

Timehop is sort of a terrible but wonderful invention. I was seeing someone this time last year, well sorta, there was no “define the relationship” talk, but we talked daily and saw each other ~2x a week. So close enough. Anyway, it’s been a year so our texts and FB posts are showing up on Timehop. It is really highlighting how much anxiety I had with him, how unsure I always was, etc. I’m terrible at dating, and knowing how fast or slow to move is hard, and that was probably part of it. But I also wasn’t comfortable b/c I couldn’t talk to him about the things I told my friends I would. He ghosted, so who knows what the hell was actually going on. I think there was someone else and some of the things I did (phone a lot, lack of talking, etc.) made him leave. But despite these things Timehop is also highlighting the fact that I still miss him. That catch in my chest shouldn’t still be there a year later when I see a picture of him. Especially since I’m dating someone else. Like actually dating, perfectly defined, I want us to be exclusive, dating.

And the new guy is awesome. Ok, he’s goofy looking, his bottom teeth are crooked, his ears are WAY too big, but despite the fact that I can see these things, I don’t seem to care. He’s also super attentive (breakfast in bed! Foot massages!), makes me talk to him when something is bothering me (so he can fix it, if it was him), and makes me laugh. He deserves my whole attention, my whole heart, because he is fabulous and deserves someone who will be fabulous for him. I’m terrified I can’t be that person. I don’t want to break up, but I’m worried I’m not invested enough. It feels different, it’s not giddy or star struck; it’s comfortable, tell him what I think even if it’s mean, steal his last piece of pineapple. And I don’t know if that means this is real and meant to last, or if it means we’re just friends and will only ever be.