Velurii's Bad Advice Blog

I don’t even know where to start, anon.  Clearly, in your book, looks are the only think important if you’re dating some lighthead who actually thinks a little fun is a bad thing.  Wow.  Actually sounds like a certain stick in the mud I know.

I still don’t know.  Damn.  Dig up some dirt on the guy and bribe him with fun?  Make fun of him for being an insufferable bore?  Play hide and seek with important artifacts?  Come up with a prank a day until he breaks down crying?  OH!  My personal favourite, give him an annoying nickname, the more irritated he gets when you refuse to call him anything else, the better.  Or just orchestrate to show up naked and willing anywhere and everywhere he might happen on?I’d go with pranks.  Glue his toothbrush to the ceiling and hide his libram under a bunch of sex toys.  Or write in the libram!  “Thou shalt have fun and stop being boring, so sayeth the light.”  I don’t know, why are you asking me, really?  *makes a shooing motion*

Be the type of commander that when you get up in the morning the legion goes “Crap, she’s up!”  Or he.  I don’t know, I stole it from a motivational poster.  Point is, the key to making people leave you alone is to, and this is important so listen up:  Stop clinging to the edge of your patience.  Have none at all.  

Treat them so miserably by default, as soon as they walk up to you that they don’t want to be near you, while at the same time knowing what you’re talking about.  I find condescension works wonders and it will drive them nuts that you’re always right while pushing themselves to improve just to prove you wrong some day.  And if they did something stupid don’t hold back in pointing it out loud and clear.  

Every once in a while you’ll get one that just does. not. get. the. blatant. hints.  No matter how harsh and rude you are to these types somehow they get this warped idea that you’re a good role model with great advice.  I’m still figuring out what to do about those types.  Thinking of just setting myself on fire next time they talk to me, do you think that’s too rash?  Maybe I’ll just pretend to set myself on fire and run away screaming.  Might be worth it.

Actually…I kinda like that one.  Deadpan look, “I can’t talk, I’m on fire and I have to go put it out.”  And then just walk away.Anyway, if you just can’t stand to be that mean and abrasive…I don’t really know what to tell you.  Perhaps you could cultivate some annoying new habits, such as audibly grinding your teeth in their presence.

Monkey,

It sounds like you’ve got the goods long before you’re old enough to use them.  You’ll figure out what that means when you’re older and probably become a corrupted soulless fiend with your power.  

Yes, it is worth it you lucky son (daughter?) of a worgen.  You can’t know now because you’re too young.  Suffice it to say…you know what, forget it, you’re older now, by at least a few seconds.

Sex.  Specifically, you are surrounded by a bunch of perverts!  My advice is to throw ice water on every single one of them, especially if it’s the middle of winter.  Maybe go around with some type of body guard or beat them off with sticks when you are old enough to procreate.  I recommend both.  Yes, when you’re older, graduated to beating them off with literal sticks rather than simply tossing some ice water in their face.  

Also, resist the dark side of your powers and stay away from evil master Jodaani, she’ll eat your soul.

I’m getting the sense you might actually be…hm…how to put this delicately…naturally scary?  Might I suggest a smiley face on a paper bag?  Over your head. You could draw a little dialogue balloon on it that says “I like you, please don’t be scared.”

Alternatively you could be as scary as possible.  If he sticks around, he’s a keeper…or just deperate.

Velen’s tits, Teeksy, where do I even start?

1.  Signing your name at the end of an anonymous ask?

2.  The authorities can check your computer, now they won’t believe any of the alibis we come up with.

3.  Wait…

Your new boyfriend almost shot her?  Bring him over for dinner.  You’re marrying this one, right?  We can discuss business.  

4.  This isn’t asking for any advice.  It’s a favour.

Just introduce daddy to that kind of orc (you know the kind I’m talking about), play it up, pay him to have bad manners and slobber all over you at dinner, chew with his mouth open, drink something fruity, the whole orc thing.  I don’t know, how do I know what orcs do?  Point is, by the time you introduce the real deal your dad’ll be thanking his lucky stars it’s an elf.If they’ve already been introduced, tell him you’ve broken up, partly BECAUSE of his interference to begin with.  Then bring the orc home.  Zug, zug, baby!

He’ll miss the long ears soon enough.

And we’re live!

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