There’s a scene in Chretien’s Knight of the Cart that’s absolutely crucial for how I see Gawain and Arthur’s relationship, one that probably sticks in my mind more than any other for how subtly and succinctly it captures so many complexities of their dynamic.
For context, this is right after Arthur agrees to let Guinevere go into a quite obvious trap (which ultimately leads to Guinevere’s abduction by Meleagant) with only Kay for protection, simply because he’d promised to grant whatever Kay asked. We’re told that “there was no one who was not upset” at this decision, but no one dares openly stop it or contradict Arthur - who is, after all, the king.
And it’s then that we get this crucial exchange:
No one’s grief was strong enough to prompt him to follow after her until Sir Gawain addressed the king, his uncle, in private. “Lord, you have behaved like a child, and I am astonished,” he said. “But if you heed my counsel, then while they are still near, we shall follow them, you and I, along with any others who wish to come there. As for me, I could not hold back from racing after them. It would be wrong for us not to follow them, at least until we know what will happen to the queen, and how Kay will behave.”
“Let us set off, dear nephew,” the king replied. “You have spoken courteously now. Since you have taken this matter into your hands, have the horses bridled, saddled, and led out that we may mount without delay.”
There’s always a very delicate balance Gawain is walking in how he interacts with Arthur, and you see it even in how the relationship is described here: the king, his uncle. On one hand, Arthur is Gawain’s relative, which gives him a certain leeway to treat him, if not quite as an equal, certainly much closer to it than most people could dare. But on the other hand, Arthur is the king, Gawain’s king, and questioning his authority too strongly would be considered unacceptable.
And I think you see that balance in such a fascinating way here. We’re told that everyone was unhappy with Arthur’s decision, but only Gawain dares to say so. Not only that, he basically tears into Arthur in incredibly strong terms: “You have behaved like a child, and I am astonished.” Clearly, Gawain feels confident that he’s earned the right to speak his mind to Arthur - to give him a piece of his mind, really, in this scene - and he doesn’t seem remotely afraid that there might be consequences for doing so.
But. But. Notice that crucial little detail there: in private. Gawain very pointedly waits to say anything about this until he and Arthur are alone. In public, around the other knights, Gawain doesn’t say a single word to contradict Arthur’s decision. In private, he tells him he’s acted like a child.
I’m reminded of a post I wrote a while ago about Game of Thrones, pointing out that Jon and Daenerys both make a distinction between being criticized in public and in private. Daenerys tells Jorah and Ser Barristan: “You’re both here to advise me. I value your advice. But if you ever question me in front of strangers again, you’ll be advising someone else.” And similarly after being crowned King in the North, Jon tells Sansa: “You are my sister, but I am king now. When you question my decisions in front of the other lords and ladies, you undermine me.” (Emphasis mine.) In both cases, I think the point was pretty clearly not ‘You cannot criticize me’, but rather ‘You cannot publicly undermine my authority’.
Arthur doesn’t need to tell Gawain this. Gawain knows. And I think you get a powerful sense of the trust between them from this short moment: Gawain trusts that he can speak his mind freely to Arthur without consequences, but he waits to do so until it’s just the two of them. In return, Arthur doesn’t stand on his ego but listens humbly and accepts Gawain’s criticism. I think it’s particularly fascinating that he tells Gawain he’s spoken courteously. On the face of it, “You have behaved like a child, and I am astonished” doesn’t sound remotely courteous - it sounds downright rude, in fact. And yet Arthur clearly doesn’t think so. He not only admits that Gawain is right, he endorses the way he said it as correct and praiseworthy.
I think that’s a great demonstration of how Gawain’s courtesy isn’t just a synonym for “polite”: it’s about his ability to follow social codes for correct behavior. Here, the measure of his courtesy isn’t that he always minces words, but that he understands when it is and isn’t acceptable to speak bluntly.
And I think it’s telling, too, that even when he’s basically telling Arthur off, he still addresses him formally as “Lord”. That might seem like a meaningless formality when the rest of what he’s saying seems anything but respectful, but I don’t think it is. I think it’s a constant reminder that Gawain never forgets Arthur is his king, or the respect that’s due to him, even when he’s openly questioning his decisions. He might seem harsh, but yet it's always tempered by a fundamental deference and he's careful never to overstep those lines.
He knows his place, not in the sense of being a doormat, but in the most literal sense of understanding the multiple - in some ways conflicting - roles he occupies and the expectations thereof: As Arthur's nephew, his knight, his subject, his advisor and right-hand man, arguably his friend and/or surrogate son (or brother, depending on your interpretation) as well. The fact that he manages to thread that needle so well is a testament to just how intelligent and socially adept he is, and the fact that Arthur gives him leave to speak his mind so bluntly to him in private is a huge testament to the mutual trust and respect between them.