stedi

the push and pull

of two halves of a heart

to fall back into old habits

or to dive into new hurt

when it incessantly pounds

but stops just soon after

endless running and dying

thrill chasing and crying

alone in an empty room

scars raise on skin

in the shape of his name

while another writes itself

between tired lungs

the push and pull

the tug of war

of a heart in pieces

love and lose

lose and love

to do it all again

alone in an empty room

alone again and again

I said no.

He doesn't believe in God like I do. With that, he has every capacity to love me religiously.

what I can stomach is if you don't stomach the bile of my sins upon our tender moment

recoil from me draw your heart away show me something familiar crush me to my bones

anything but now that you pull me in tighter and hold me still until you give me growing pains

maybe there is something wrong

with the words that leave my heart

they wind and try

to comfort you

to speak for me

to fight ourselves

maybe there is an inherent selfishness there

i do not know

i can not tell

for even if i have been on the receiving end

of my own jagged words

they are mine

i know them

i understand why they cry and bite

i try and cage them

i do

but at this point

i do not trust my own head

to know what to let go and what to keep

and i watch as you slip away

as i offer you no more words

they burst out

the good and the bad

to beg you to stay

but i think

the good got lost

ache is a friend

running wild over my chest

my arms and my legs

sleeping in my lungs

I beg it to stay

clamping my lips tight

staring blankly ahead

until my eyes alight

touch makes my skin crawl

any second now

and my insides

will be on the outside

but ache can embrace me

something may still rise

to my throat

but it is not bile

I'm pulled to a dance

each step worse than the last

I beg it don't stop

keep on holding me

even here even here

in a room of people

I swear I love

ache is my only friend

there is a trap

in going from lovers to friends

when I loved you with all my being

just to be cut off at the knees

I reach for you

I know you well enough

to know how deep your pain is

just as abysmal as mine

but I hold back

you are no longer mine

to comfort and to care for as I did

and that line is thread thin

we are too close

words are on the tip of my tongue

I still love you with all my being

but I no longer have that right

Dark cold silent whispers She beckons, a summon Ghostly fingers across my shoulders Down my neck and my spine Until my steps quicken and hasten

Daughter, daughter Run faster Escape drags me deeper Bow back as my leash snaps tighter

She laughs, a summon Eyes follow retreats Rolling over my skin Instead of sockets

Pale in the window pane A face I never catch But I know it How it stares and leers and gleans

Daughter, daughter I hide my body She slides up against me She nips at my heels She combs my hair Longing for me to look Yet never staying long enough

Daughter, daughter She beckons, a summon I chant against her Dark, mere dark A feeling, a feeling, a feeling But I run and run Eyes wide open blind Watching to trip and fall and dive

Daughter, daughter My mother, deathless caregiver Fear created me From fear I am born To fear I am lost

the cold beep of no answer

rings through my ears

i still think seen

swings heavy

and that's the onset

rage as violent

sorrow as passionate

as the love that makes our hearts beat

they don't pulse in step now

and we were meant

to be

apart

in time

in distance

now as people too