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i've noticed that people don't use my name as much anymore. maybe they've become so accustomed to having my attention that they no longer feel the need to say my name in order to ask for it.

i'm so sick of never feeling like my friends don't care about me the same way i do for them. i get that they're busy. i understand. but sometimes they go ages without a response. sometimes i get one in a day. sometimes even nothing, and i can see their activity status being online for hours. sometimes, i know that they don't want to bother me if i'm busy, even though i've told them countless times that it's okay. i love getting their messages and reading them even if i can't respond. i want to get spammed with messages. i want them to bother me about all the little things in their lives. i want to be reached out to. i want them to care in the ways that matter. i'm tired of being seen as an afterthought, as a constant presence that is expected to be there so much that it eventually gets tuned out. i don't want to be taken for granted.

i'm tired of trying to maintain relationships that feels like if i did not try to reach out, i would not exist. no one pays attention to the tarnished statue covered in vines, but if i polished it to stay shiny, flashy, and bright, then they notice. then they care. but i am tired. the effort i put in for a mere glance as they walk by? i wonder, what if i don't maintain it. will i fade into the background, swallowed whole by the flourishing undergrowth? will they care enough to pick up where i left off? alas, the primal thing inside of me that craves to be seen will keep me coming back to that statue again and again, even when my hands are raw, cleaning it, because if i don't, i'm not sure who else will.

i wish i was more content existing for myself. i hate that i keep holding on to the hope that maybe one of my friends could be more similar to me, and then i have to come to terms that they're not. and it's okay, it's just lonely sometimes.

i've been gone for a bit, but happy pride month to all !!

more of a rant then a proper vent, but i was thinking about my friends and then like my friends, and idk. there's one friend that i know of, and we barely text now, but whenever we managed to see each other before, it always felt so natural. they're somewhere on the aromantic spectrum, same as me, and we live so far away from each other now due to school, but i miss them. i like talking to them, and it always felt like they understood what i wanted to say even when i couldn't word it right. sometimes i think that if we both stayed for school instead of going far away, maybe we could have been something. maybe not romantic, but still, something. i think that even now, even being so far away, even with everything, i would still want to be something with them.

in some ways, i think i resent my friends who can feel romantically. not because they do, but because i don't think i will. there is something so lonely in acknowledging that. lonely and freeing. i hate that they will experience an emotion i may never understand, one that is valued so highly by society, that i sit there and wonder if embracing this aspect of me will ever be worth it. what would i give to just have a taste of it? would the rush justify everything i have resented? i think that maybe i am biased because i do not feel romantically, but also, what if they are because they do?