chronically uncomfortable

“Dr. Abbot?”

“Uh, yeah,” Jack says, shaking his head, back to the task at hand. “Sorry, dude, what’d you ask?”

“Will it be a while before handoff?”

Jack checks his watch. “Probably. We get started when all of the residents are here. Have you done any rotations in an ED before?”

“This is my first. I just got done with derm, IM and peds,” he says, then smiles. “Love peds.”

“Well, you’re very lucky to be learning from all of these guys. But you’ll probably be overwhelmed,” Jack says, honest. He almost can’t believe they sent a first-timer to nights; it must be a busy rotation. “Try to keep up best you can, eat whenever you have a millisecond. Let me or any of the residents know if you need help.”

Wells nods, looking serious suddenly. “Yes, sir.”

Jack opens his mouth to tell him to cut that shit out immediately, almost forgetting what had called his attention only a few seconds ago until it appears at his side.

“You and me tonight, Jack?” Shen says, shattering that illusion as he sips from his coffee. “And who’s this?”

“Dr. Shen and Dr. Y/l/n, this is Student Doctor Wells joining us on his first emergency med rotation,” he says. “Dr. Shen is the other attending on shift, and Dr. Y/l/n is our senior resident tonight.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” you say, immediately shaking his hand. Jack saw your eyes light up the moment you heard there was a new student on shift. You loved working with the new kids. “Welcome to the Pitt.”

“Thanks,” he says, shaking Shen’s hand enthusiastically s well. “Aw man, Dunkies? That’s such a good idea.”

Jack rolls his eyes outright, feeling his mouth screw to the side in annoyance while you sip from your cup.

“Dr. Shen bought donuts for everyone, too. They’re in the break room,” you say, checking your watch, a strand of hair falling out of your ponytail with the motion. “C’mon. I can show you before we start handoff.”

Wells looks at Abbot, who shrugs. “Like I said, eat when you can.”

You laugh at that, before your eyes find Wells again, tipping your head in the general direction of the break room. “He’s right. Let’s go.”

Abbot watches the two of you leave before directing his attention back to the chart of the patient he’s taking over from Robby in Trauma 2, familiarizing himself with the results from the tests they’ve been running on day shift.

He hears Shen put down his coffee, the offending cup bound to leave a ring of water on Jack’s preferred charting station at the central hub. It’s never bothered him before — the ED is messy enough as it is — but everything about it is pissing him off tonight.

“Is that something I need to know about?” he asks quietly.

“What?”

Jack looks up. “You and Y/l/n. Coming in here holding hands after a coffee date.”

Shen glitches for a second, frozen where his backpack is halfway off his shoulders.

Then he scoffs.

“It was not a coffee date,” he says. There’s amusement in his eyes.

“Hm,” Abbot says, holding onto his stethoscope while he rolls out his neck, tablet forgotten on the desk. “If you say so.”

“Uh, I do,” Shen insists, still entertained.

“I’m just saying, I’d rather know now, y’know, before upstairs buries us in paperwork,” he says, sniffing, glancing around his department. Robby beckons him from Trauma 2. “See how we can get ahead with admin. That’s all.”

“Jesus Christ, Jack,” his co-attending laughs. “Nobody is doing any paperwork. She just wanted to talk about, like, career stuff.”

Jack’s eyebrows furrow. “Career stuff?”

Shen shrugs, tugging a few pens out of his bag, clipping his badge onto his scrub pants. “She’s applying for fellowships right now — you know this. She just wanted some advice. She’s going around to all the attendings — I’m sure you’re on the list somewhere, dude. Chill.”

“Abbot. Shen,” Robby calls. “I’d really love to leave before puck drop.”

“Coming!” Jack says, before turning back to Shen. “I am chill. I just wanted to know if — hold on. She’s going around to everyone, and you somehow beat me in the order?”

Shen grins around his straw, already bitten beyond practical use, as slimy condensation ring on the desk right next to Jack’s phone. Then he shrugs. “I probably just give off better mentor energy than you do.”

“Right now, I need you to give off attending energy for this handoff,” Jack bites. “Can you do that?”

Shen laughs again, passing Jack on his way to Trauma 2. “You’re on one tonight, old man. Wells better stay out of the way.”

—

A pediatric broken arm comes in only half an hour into your shift.

You grab Wells, who follows you obediently while Olive wheels the 8-year-old to the room number Lena calls out, speaking with her mom about the injury.

The child’s cries are awful, and you briefly doubt if this was something to bring a med student in on so quickly. Kids were hard for you at first.

“What’s this?” Dr. Abbot says from behind the central desk.

“Broken arm. Playground,” you say over your shoulder.

“Wells stay on it. I’ll be in there to check in a few,” he says, nodding at you. You nod back, pursing your lips in the absence of a smile given the scenario, feeling reassured all the same.

“We are a teaching hospital, Mrs…” you trail off, waiting for mom to supply her name as Wells and Olive help her daughter onto the bed in Central 11.

“Redford,” she says. “You can call me June, though. This is Penny.”

“And what’s your name?” you say to the younger boy who’d been clutching his mother’s hand the entire time, tucked behind one of her legs. You crouch to his level.

“Aaron,” he says, his eyes bloodshot.

“Nice to meet you, Aaron. I’m Dr. Y/l/n and this is Student Doctor Wells. We’re going to take real good care of your sister, okay?” you ask.

He nods, sniffling into his mother’s Lycra pants.

“Okay,” you say, standing back up. “Like I was saying, this is a teaching hospital, so I’ll have my med student here with me today, if that’s alright with you, Mom.”

“Sure,” she says, smiling tightly at Wells, her worry still evident, nodding nonetheless. “Is it broken?”

Turning your attention back to Penny, her left arm is lying limp and awkward. “We won’t know for sure until we do some imaging, but we’ll give her something for the pain and bump her as far up the list as we can if she needs an x-ray, okay?”

Mrs. Redford breathes. “Okay. Thank you.”

“Sound good, Penny?” you ask. She nods.

You speak with Olive about starting ibuprofen and an order for an x-ray. Wells seems to be doing okay at Penny’s bedside, his eyes already scanning her injury.

“What would we do next?” you ask, joining him bedside.

“After pain management, X-ray?” he asks.

“We could,” you say, smiling at both Penny and her mom as you both turn away slightly to deliberate. You look at him expectantly. “But pediatric fractures are also a great candidate for…?”

Wells is still locked in on her arm, but then he looks up for a second, a look of recognition passing on his face.

“Ultrasound,” he says. “Of course.”

“Right,” you say, smiling again. “Good job. Didn’t wanna spoil it, but Olive probably already sent for a machine.”

“Nurses, man,” he says, appreciative.

You finally settle on the stool at Penny’s bedside, getting a closer look.

“What happened?” you ask, looking between both of them.

“I fell from the monkey bars,” she says.

“The monkey bars?” Wells asks, his tone light and happy. He did say he had some peds in him. “Oh no! Were you racing your brother?”

You roll to the side as Wells keeps talking to Penny, and her mom directs her attention to you. “I was watching them, I swear I was, but her dad called, and she’s just so fast—”

“It’s alright,” you say immediately. You weren’t at all worried about this case from a social perspective — both children presented clothed, well-fed and clean, and mom was caring and cooperative to start. You could keep an eye out through the rest of the exam, and you catch Wells’ eye when she’s not looking.

But with Penny comfortable and the room calmed down slightly, Aaron sitting at the end of her bed, you let June know she could take her son to the family room if she wanted.

“No, that’s okay. We’ll stay with her at least until her father is here,” she says.

“Okay,” you nod, watching Olive pull back the curtain to wheel in the ultrasound machine.

A blur of movement and an audible commotion near the hub catches your ear, but you and Wells remain focused on the task at hand.

Olive is leading him through the set up of the ultrasound, so you keep your ears open, staying aware of your surroundings, noting already where Dr. Abbot’s standing in front of the board at the central hub.

Then it’s Lena’s voice, followed by a man’s.

“Sir, you can’t just barge back here—”

“My daughter’s back here! June? Penny?”

A man enters the bay suddenly, his chest heaving and eyes wild, pushing past Olive on his way to Penny’s opposite bedside. Father.

“Oh, Pen,” he sighs, shrugging off his suit jacket. “What happened?”

“I fell off the monkey bars,” she says, a fresh round of tears springing.

“Is it broken? Has she been for an x-ray?” he asks, shifting his attention to you.

“Hi, Mr. Redford,” you start, nodding for Wells to begin smoothing the gel over Penny’s arm. “We’re beginning the ultrasound now. I’m Dr. Y/l/n, and this is—”

“Ultrasound?” he says, his face screwing up immediately. His suit jacket discarded in his wife’s lap at some point, he loosens his tie. “Isn’t that for babies? Her arm is fucking broken.”

The atmosphere in the room changes on a dime, you feel Wells still beside you, and Olive freezes, too, where she’s checking Penny’s chart at the monitor again.

“We suspect so,” you say, taking a measured breath. You make sure Wells has a good enough view of the monitor, handing him the wand with a reassuring nod. “We’re doing the ultrasound to see what kind of break it is so we can properly set it, then recommend her a cast or a brace depending.”

“How long has she been waiting here in pain while you guys are fiddling with this machine?” he asks. He turns to his wife, who has also fallen silent at this exchange. “Babe, why didn’t you push for an x-ray?”

June looks to you, suddenly helpless. “Well, she said—”

“No, no,” Mr. Redford cuts her off, his eyes squinting at you. “I want a different doctor in here right now.”

Wells, to his credit, is focused completely on the machine, moving the wand over her arm. You lean in closer.

“Keep going. Try to identify the type of fracture,” you say softly, before turning your attention back to the father.

“Mr. Redford, on fractures such as your daughter’s, an ultrasound gives us a quicker diagnosis, and then we don’t have to expose her to radiation,” you explain. “On injuries like this, where the hand goes out to catch the fall, ultrasounds are very common.”

But you see this all the time. Tensions run high enough in the ED, way before a kid is involved. You can tell nothing you’ve said has carried any weight as his frustration grows.

Abbot is still visible over his shoulder, now focused on a chart on his tablet but inched a few feet down the counter at the central hub, marginally closer to the bay you’re in.

“What is this place?” Mr. Redford says, his volume growing. Olive looks to you, a question in her eyes, and you nod. “My wife rushed my daughter here an hour ago and she’s still not in a fucking cast?”

“We’ll get her in a cast as soon as Student Doctor Wells and I—”

“And you’re letting a student touch my daughter?”

“Greenstick,” Wells says quietly. You pull your attention away, checking the monitor, and nod at him.

“Good. We’ll want Ortho down here to be sure,” you say.

“Hey!” the father shouts suddenly. Your eyes shoot to both of his children, their faces scared. His wife is standing at his side, a hand on his arm, pleading, but he surges on. “I’m fucking talking to—”

“S’there a problem here?”

Jack appears with Olive behind him, his jaw set as he looks around the room. His eyes don’t go to Mr. Redford first, but to you. He glances at Wells, too, who still has his head down, even if at some point he had moved himself slightly in front of you, in between you and the father.

Only then does Dr. Abbot speak, pointing at Mr. Redford. “Dad, out here with me. Now.”

Mr. Redford scoffs. “Oh, are you in charge? Do you want to explain to me why you’re letting college kids run rampant around your ER?”

“Buddy, I wasn’t asking,” Jack says. “Or I can get security involved if I need to. How’s that sound?”

That seems to register with the man, who finally detaches himself from the beside, stalking over to where Dr. Abbot grips the bay curtain. Which is promptly shut as soon as he’s on the other side, but not before he meets your eyes one last time.

“You need to calm down. You’re scaring your daughter, and your son, too, for that matter,” you hear him say.

“I’ll calm down when she’s been properly seen—”

But Jack cuts him off. “Your daughter is in the care of a very talented, knowledgeable and experienced senior resident, and your wife consented to a student doctor on the case.”

“I didn’t consent to that.”

“But you weren’t here, and that’s none of my business,” Jack says. “What is my business, is my ED and my staff. And you cannot talk to my staff that way unless you want to be removed. Got it?”

Silence for a bit longer, and then the curtain wooshes open again. Dr. Abbot lingers, hands tucked behind his back, as Mr. Redford returns to his daughter’s bedside, looking dejected.

Jack nods at you.

“Okay,” you sigh, a smile on your face again, trying to breathe a bit a life back into the room. June is beet red. “Olive, can you please call an Ortho consult?”

“I did earlier,” she says. “They’re sending Park.”

You whistle. “Lucky you, Wells, meeting Park the Shark your first day.”

—

After you explain the next steps to both parents, Dr. Park arrives to assess the fracture, fist bumping Dr. Abbot, who then takes his leave, one more nod at you. You wave him off.

Park ultimately agrees with Wells’ diagnosis, telling him not to get too excited over a simple pediatric greenstick under his breath when Wells smiles at you proudly.

Park orders Penny moved up to Ortho to cast her, noting that the swelling isn’t too severe and that she can go home with a new cast tonight. And that yes, that she can pick whatever color she wants.

Kids always bring out a a different side of even the most intimidating doctors, and you smile when Park promises to have the pink options set out for her.

“See ya, bottom dwellers,” he says, snapping his gloves into the trash once Penny and her family have been moved out of the room and sent upstairs.

“Thanks,” you say sarcastically. “That one is all yours. Dad’s a lot. You were warned.”

When he leaves, you check in with Wells, who seems a bit overwhelmed by everything that just occurred as you both sanitize.

“Is that kind of thing normal?” he asks. “You were so… calm.”

“Sadly,” you say. “Yeah, it is. You just have to focus on the patient. Escalate if you need. You’ll learn.”

He follows you to the board, brand new Hokas squeaking along the floor. “Dude’s a badass.”

“Who, Park?” you laugh. “Yeah. He knows it, too.”

But Wells shakes his head as he joins at your side. “No, Abbot.”

You quirk a brow, thinking back to the scene, hating that you have to force yourself to relive it to remember the details so quickly, because you’re that used to those kinds of things happening to you.

You’ve gotten so good at packing it up and picking up the next patient, to the point that it almost scares you sometimes.

Maybe not the exact wording you’d choose, but Dr. Jack Abbot is a badass.

Because it’s true, that you’d sought his reassurance on bringing Wells into the room almost as soon as you’d decided to do it.

That when a man entered the picture with a raised voice, aggressive posture and foul language, you ran through escalation procedures in your head and looked around for anyone who could help, but your eyes were really only looking for him.

That when Olive had raised her eyebrows at you, you knew she was silently asking if you needed Dr. Abbot, not anyone else, and that you were nodding before you could even properly consider it.

That when he did arrive, seconds later, you felt steady once again, properly able to focus on treating Penny as quickly as possible while still letting Wells learn when it was appropriate.

That when Abbot called you talented and knowledgeable, it wasn’t even the first time you’d heard it from him — because he was usually saying it to your face — but hearing it for the benefit of someone else had doubled its impact on you.

And that when Jack lingered until Park arrived from Ortho, caught your eyes one last time while you began presenting to the surgeon, you felt yourself trying not to preen.

And most of all, that all of these things point to one irrefutable fact that you’ve spent weeks, months trying to ignore, white knuckling your way through brushed shoulders, reassuring words and touches to the small of your back, only feeling like you can breathe again when it’s time for your next elective elsewhere — which is that you have the biggest, most inconvenient, unprofessional and distracting crush on one of your attendings.

“Yeah, he’s — he has our backs,” you say, considering your next words carefully. “So does Shen.”

“He just came in there all ‘you, with me, now,’” Wells imitates, which succeeds in making you laugh, forgetting your grief momentarily. “Shut him up real quick. So sick.”

“Yeah,” you sigh, rubbing a hand over your face, looking back to the board for the newest arrival waiting for a doctor. “So… so sick.”

—

Hours later, Jack finds you finishing up charts at your favorite desk, on the north side by the family room. You hadn’t seemed rattled earlier by any means, but he still had to check on his resident.

“Hi,” he says softly, tapping his fingers on your desk as he approaches.

“Hi, Dr. Abbot,” you smile. You stretch your arms over your head, your scrubs exposing a strip of skin as you lean back.

He looks away, pretending to suddenly study the chart on his tablet, clearing his throat. “How are you? How’s the kid doing?”

“Penny?”

“No,” he laughs. “Sorry. Our MS3.”

“Oh. Wells is doing good. Great on peds. We’ve been needing that on nights,” you say, your smile growing. “He was with me and Shen on that MVC, and now I think Parker has him with her on scut.”

Jack nods. “Good. I’m gonna tell him to stick with you, if that’s alright.”

You nod enthusiastically before you go back to typing and he keeps looking at his own charts, a beat of silence shared between you two before he speaks again.

“You handled that really well earlier.”

Your smile from earlier diminishes as you sigh.

“Thanks, I guess. He didn’t leave us alone until the big scary attending came in.”

“Men like that don’t always tend to respond to receiving expert medical advice,” he says. “You know that. But you sent for help and kept the exam rolling, keeping the rest of the family calm and making sure your student got some time. You did everything right.”

Your smile is back, and he feels his own face fit to match yours against his better judgement. The feeling evaporates when you reach for your Dunkin’ cup only seconds later.

It’s quiet for another moment as you sip and tap away at your keyboard, Jack still fiddling with his tablet, beginning to think about handoff. He’d really love to be able to admit both cases in BH upstairs before Robby gets in.

“You still thinking of that pediatrics fellowship?” he asks, setting his tablet down, resting his hip on the desk. “You know there’s an attending offer coming.”

“I don’t know,” you say, swiveling in your chair to face him. “Kids are great, but parents are… I think I might be too soft.”

“You are not soft. Did someone tell you that? Who told you that?”

You look surprised, and Jack wonders if he’s said the wrong thing or came across as overbearing — just as soon, he realizes he doesn’t care.

But you just shrug, tucking a leg under you in your chair. “Nobody said anything. Fellowship’s still on the table. I’ve just got a lot to think about.”

“Again. That offer is coming,” he reminds you. “If you’re sick of school.”

He expects a quip back. Maybe ‘never’ with an offended face.

But you just nod seriously, logging out of the computer. “Yeah. That’s a whole other thing to think about.”

“Hey. Let me know how I can help, yeah?” he asks, tracking your movements, the way you wipe your hands on your pants as you stand.

“Thanks Dr. Abbot,” you say, reaching for your tablet. “I’m sure I’ll come knocking for a letter of rec or two.”

“Right,” he says, still stuck at your desk, even as you walk past him, heading toward the nurse’s station. But you stop, his hand reaching out for your shoulder before he can decide on a better tactic.

You pause, looking up at him, no idea how fired up he is over that coffee.

“If you ever wanna just, like, talk. I’m here for that, too,” he says, hoping it comes across nonchalant, laid-back. The exact opposite of how he feels saying it.

But you don’t say anything, just nodding with a slightly confused expression as you leave him, his hand falling from your shoulder as he tries not to turn and watch you go.

“Oh, that was painful to watch.”

Jack whips his head toward Shen, who’d supposedly been watching the interaction from the nurse’s station, with that stupid coffee still in hand.

Jack had skipped the box of donuts in the break room earlier purely on principle.

“Will you finish that fucking coffee already? It’s been hours.”

—

The next blow is arguably worse, because it comes from his best friend.

“I had coffee with your resident over the weekend,” Robby says offhandedly, just a footnote at the end of sign-out.

Jack raises his eyebrows. “Are you fucking kidding me?”

Robby laughs, tucking his glasses into his jacket pocket and slinging his backpack over his shoulder, handing the tablet he was carrying over to Jack. “You supervise how many residents and you’re not even gonna ask me who?”

“I know who,” Jack grumbles lowly.

Robby grins tiredly. “She said she was asking all of the attendings, some of the seniors — talking with other specialities, too.”

Jack feels his jaw tick, glad you were requested for a follow-up at triage first thing and aren’t anywhere near this desk right now.

“Jack,” Robby says.

“What?” he bites out, frustrated. Why couldn’t his resident just fucking talk to him?

“I didn’t know she was considering other fellowships,” Robby says.

Jack shakes his head. “If she does one, it’s peds. We talked about it last week.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” Robby says, sucking his lips to his teeth, his knees bending. He feels awkward.

Abbot looks up from his tablet, not saying anything.

Robby continues quietly, “Ultrasound. She even threw out crit care. And I told her she should ask Langdon about education.”

Jack sets the tablet down on the hub with a thunk, collecting his thoughts silently for a second, his eyes not leaving Robby’s.

“We don’t have any of those here.”

“No,” Robby says slowly. “But Presby has ultrasound and education.”

Three years at the Pitt, an attending offer with your name on it, and you wanted to go to Presby?

Jack sniffs, turning away as he looks back at the tablet. “Well that’s news to me. Who even has crit care? Westbridge?”

Robby shakes his head.

“Oh,” Jack says in realization, his attempt at looking at his charts useless.

Not PTMC, not Presby or Westbridge.

Not Pittsburgh at all.

“Brother, I hope you know what you’re doing with that one,” Robby sighs.

“I can assure you that I fucking don’t,” Jack says lowly. “I don’t get why she won’t just come talk to me.”

Robby shakes his head. “You’ll figure it out.”

As he watches Robby leave, a pitying smile on his face, he catches him nodding in greeting to you near the Chairs entrance, your hand thankfully free of the offending Dunkin’ cup tonight.

But as welcome of a sight as you are, it does nothing to quiet the voice in his head telling him that in a few short months you might not even be here. That he might not be treated to the sight that he’s come to realize is more than half of what gets him out of bed at 5pm every day.

His dilemma — teetering so hard toward the personal that he’s beginning to forget it was ever professional in the first place — all fades away as soon as Jack sees you talking with another man, recognizing him immediately as the agitated father from the pediatric broken arm the other day.

Someone, he hasn’t the faintest idea who, tries to get his attention behind him. “Dr. Abbot—”

“One sec,” he says, already pushing his way past nurses, his steps quick to the other side of the central desk.

The closer he gets, he sees that the daughter is with him, too, and he slows his pace. Everything looks calm, but he waits near the edge of the hub.

“Penny was hoping her doctors would sign her cast,” Mr. Redford says. “Her doctor upstairs said you guys would be back around this time.”

Jack busies himself reassigning charts to night shift on the station he’d ended up in front of, busy work that he can do while still listening, unable to remember if he’d given the stomach pain in South 18 to Parker or Nazely as he listens to your every word, his fingers slipping while he splits his attention between his monitor and your interaction.

“We’d love to!” you say, bending partially out of his sight in order to sign her cast. “I love the color you chose. Very pretty. Wow! You got Dr. Park sign, too?”

Jack makes eye contact with Mr. Redford while you’re distracted talking to Penny, who’s in much better shape than she was last week. To his minor, minuscule credit, the man looks sheepish.

“And also,” he says, looking back to you and clearing his throat. “I wanted to apologize. To you and your student, if he’s around. The way I acted was unacceptable.”

“Oh,” you say, and Jack hears the surprise in your voice, watching you tuck Penny out of the way as a gurney comes racing by. “Thank you for saying so. It happens. It’s scary to be in here for your kiddo.”

Don’t dismiss it, Jack thinks. Don’t let him off.

“I’m really sorry,” he says again, his hands back on his daughter’s shoulders. Nowhere near you.

Jack breathes.

“I hope you can remember this in the future, whenever you interact with healthcare workers,” you say, so quiet that Jack can barely catch it over the noise in the ED. Probably so Penny can’t hear. But it’s firm, and your voice doesn’t waver. “This is a very stressful system, but we all just want what’s best for the patient.”

Jack hears you direct the man and his daughter toward where Wells should be, and fully locks back into what he’s been pretending to to be doing for the entire interaction.

He definitely assigned that stomach pain to Henderson, now that he thinks about it.

“You saw that, right?” you ask, peeking over the front of the desk, bringing a whoosh of your perfume over his senses.

“I saw,” Jack nods, clearing his throat before taking his time looking up at you fully.

When he does, you’re almost breathless, beaming with pride, your nails tapping on his desk.

He’d sooner die than let that smile go to Presby.

“Told you,” he says, weighted. He shakes his head. “You’re not soft.”

—

“You’ll definitely get in.”

“Yeah?” Crus says, pressing the crosswalk sign, the two of you slowing to a stop as you wait for the signal. The air’s nippy for April, your fleece pulled tight around your shoulders. Your hand freezes where it’s clutched around a plastic cup of cold brew. You’d never give up your iced drinks, weather be damned.

You’d asked Henderson for coffee before tonight’s shift, and he’d recommended meeting at his favorite spot that was walking distance from the hospital. The coffee was alright, but the cinnamon buns were just as good as he said.

“I appreciate that,” he continues. “I’d miss this place, though. What about you?”

You sigh, rolling your neck out as you see the top floors of the Pitt over the trees, a chill going down your spine, and not from the weather. “Million-dollar question these days, isn’t it?”

“I thought you wanted peds. You thinking of going straight to community?” Crus asks, his expression curious.

“Not really,” you admit. “I could. But I still want to do something else. I just don’t know what anymore.”

“So not peds, then?” he presses.

“Peds is… I love it. But it’s so hard sometimes,” you sigh, your lip worried between your teeth. You don’t need to speak the reasons why out loud — it’s obvious. Crus has been by your side since you started, and he’s been gloved up with you for some of your worst cases. “So I just wanted to look around.”

“What else are you thinking, then?” he asks, eyeing you suspiciously — like it’s absurd that Dr. Y/l/n could land anywhere but at PTMC’s emergency pediatrics fellowship next year.

“Well, you’ve fully tanked my ultrasound chances at Presby,” you joke. “But that’s okay. I’ve thought about critical care, too.”

“I don’t know. I heard you were coming for my spot on that broken arm a few weeks back,” Crus laughs, the two of you finally making your way across the street once the walk sign flashes on.

“I learned that from you.”

“We learned that. From Abbot,” he corrects.

You don’t respond, the two of you quietly walking lockstep down the ramp to the public entrance. You revel in the last few moments of normalcy before everything starts to scream at you for the next 12 hours.

“I’m surprised you haven’t considered emergency med education,” Crus says. “You couldn’t do it here, but. We’d see each other around at Presby, I’m sure.”

You look up at him as he holds open the door for you. “Yeah?”

“Wherever we go, co-res. I hope we stay in touch,” he smiles. You feel a surge of fondness for him — feeling slightly less anxious after everything you’ve discussed. That was the point of these talks, anyway, to hear from the people who know you, who’ve taught you everything or learned alongside you these years.

There’s just one you know you can’t bother with, even if it kills you.

You both flash your badges toward security as you bypass the line, and you smile at your favorite guard working the screening today.

“I would miss this place, too,” you say.

“Can you imagine us ever saying that on our first day here?” he asks.

You think back to yours and Henderson’s first day as interns. You’d been a ball of nerves, fresh out of med school in Virginia. If he was as nervous as you, he didn’t show it.

“Hm. Would it have been before the debridement or after the MCI?”

He winks.

“We better head in. Abbot’s gonna be all over me if I make you late,” he says, waiting for you to scan your badge into the ED before he does. “Shen said he gave him a hard time the other day.”

You stop walking at his words, hugging the wall just inside the doors, suddenly nervous to even catch a glimpse of the aforementioned attending now. “What do you mean?”

Crus chucks his empty coffee in the trash and crosses his arms, his voice dropping low around his next words. It’s not hard to go unheard in a room this loud and busy, but it’s just as easy to accidentally be overheard. You lean closer.

“You could talk to him, y’know,” Crus says. “He knows you the best. He could tell you what he thinks.”

You shake your head, the idea impossible. “I already know what he thinks. He wants me here.”

“Well, that doesn’t surprise me,” Crus mutters.

You have no time to ask him to expand, unsure if you’d even want to, your stomach so turned over at every underlying implication. You hadn’t eaten enough before shift and you were starting to get shaky from the caffeine, your hands clammy.

“All this coffee coming in these days, and yet nobody is asking for my order.”

The source of your anxiety had arrived through the ambulance bay doors at some point, his backpack slung over his shoulder as he stands staring between you and Crus, his eyes trained on your cup, before he looks to your face, eyebrows raised.

His scrubs don’t even match today, and he’s gone and worn the top that’s just a bit too big for your liking — the one that doesn’t accentuate his arms like they deserve. Maybe that’s a godsend today. Your eyes trail over his freckled forearms anyway — it’s useless.

“They don’t serve break room sludge at my spot,” Henderson says, before turning back to you. “Y/n/n, think about what I said.”

Crus walks off, and you smile tightly at Jack as you attempt to walk past him as well, but he starts to trail just a pace behind you.

“What’d he say?” he asks.

“Just helping me talk through some fellowship apps,” you answer, stopping at the central hub to glance at the board. He stops too, leaning his arm on the desk.

“Yeah? How’s that going?”

“It’s… fine,” you nod, hiking your own bag up higher on your shoulder. “Finishing up soon. Hopefully.”

“Good,” he says. “That’s good. Deadlines coming up, right?”

“You keeping an eye out?” you joke, but your hand twitches around your cup.

“You’ve just been… drinking a lot of coffee lately,” he accuses.

Your mouth falls open in protest. “What do you —”

“You’d let me know, right?” he asks, turning to you. “If you needed any help? And I don’t just mean a letter, Y/l/n. Seriously, anything.”

You’re nodding on autopilot, even if his words have hit you in the deepest part of your chest. His words so earnest, you’re attending so unaware of the impact he’s even having on you because that’s just who Jack Abbot is. He looks out for everyone in his department no matter how long he’s known them, and he gives his heart over and over to patients until he has nothing left in him but a trip to the roof at daybreak.

It’s ironic, in a sad way, that watching him all of these years has made you unable to even let him in like he’s asking you to. Because he just doesn’t know what it means to you, and he never will.

“I know, Dr. Abbot,” you say. “Thank you.”

If he’s convinced by your answer he doesn’t look it, and he sighs as he unzips his backpack. “Go drop your stuff. Sign-out is in five.”

Dismissed, you toss your half-full cup of coffee in the trash on your way to the lockers. Your nerves are shot enough.

—

Abbot is overseeing you, along with your now near-permanent sidekick in Wells, on a traumatic amputation later that night. Motorcycle accident turned nearly deadly — he files a mental note to sign this patient out to Robby.

He lingers where he usually does when you’re leading on a patient, hands tucked behind his back near the doors, in a paper gown that you’d tied on for him in case he needed to hop in, even if he knew he wouldn’t. Once Ortho had come down for a consult, he felt even less of a need to be actively involved. You could do this in your sleep.

“You a third year?” Park asks, watching Wells flush the limb with saline.

Wells looks bewildered. “Who? Me?”

“I’m looking at you, aren’t I?” he spits.

“Yeah, I am, um — is this not…” he gestures toward the limb, shaky. “I’ve never done a saline flush before.”

Park nods. “It’s fine. Come back for an ortho elective next year.”

Jack watched as Wells looks over to you immediately, and you just raise your eyebrows at him, nodding. Jack can practically feel the pride emanating from you like a force field around the kid.

“Uh, yeah,” Wells says, turning back to Park, then back to the limb. Back to Park again. “I hadn’t thought about it. But I will.”

“You stealing my med students, Park?” Jack quips, hands on his hips. “Arm’s not even reattached yet.”

“Your residents, too,” Park grins, before turning to you. “We still on for — what’d we say, tomorrow?”

Jack’s stomach sinks.

You sigh, still holding your gloved hands up. “Uh, shoot. Can we do Thursday instead?”

Park cocks his head. “Before nights? Sure.”

“I was thinking we could just hit the caf? It’s easiest, especially if we’re already coming in earlier,” you say.

“Re-attachment’s favorable,” he tells one of the OR nurses who appears in the room, ready to bring the patient up. “Can you call up and book the OR they were holding? Wells, you coming up?”

“Hell yeah,” he says, standing quickly, the stool he’s sitting on skidding into the wall behind him. You stifle a giggle, and Jack can feel you turn to him, but he can’t bring himself to share in your amusement.

“Okay, well make sure you bring that,” Park says, pointing at the arm. He turns back to you. “I’m not doing the caf. Get my number before you leave in the morning and we’ll figure it out.”

Jack doesn’t hear the rest, shedding his PPE into the corner bin and shouldering the trauma door open with force, muttering an excuse toward one of the OR nurses that’s inadvertently stood in his way, aggressively rubbing sanitizer into his hands as he stalks back to the central desk.

He stares at the board as new arrivals filter in, but he can’t process any of it.

Because — fucking Park? It sits in his stomach like a rock — the knowledge that you’d sooner turn to an attending on a different floor, in a completely different speciality, than you’d come to him for anything.

Robby and Shen had hurt, too. Henderson he didn’t even mind — he was glad his residents had a close relationship, happy that you had an equal to turn to. Because Jack prided himself on his mentorship. It’s been one of the most rewarding things of working at this hospital, the never-ending parade of new kids coming to check a box for med school that ended up discovering their passion. It was few who’d actually have the chops to stay.

But you were always supposed to be one of them. From the day he’d met you, he knew he wanted you to want to stay. He’d held his breath every time you came back from an elective, bright-eyed, explaining everything you’d learned with a new-found enthusiasm he was worried the Pitt had long ago stolen from you. And then he’d feel selfish, realizing his biggest fear is that you’d fall in love with something else and leave him and this place behind, when he knew he should just want you to be the best doctor you can be.

So Park feels like a slap in the face, like ice-cold water poured over him in the middle of Trauma 2.

Jack had spent three years watching over you — he knew your tells. He knew you were stressed the last few months, your anxiety not impacting your performance, but definitely his own mood. Maybe it made him feel inadequate as a leader that his resident was clearly struggling and wouldn’t talk to him about it. Or maybe it just worried him in a way that he’d realized long ago that he shouldn’t be worrying for you.

—

Nearing the end of his rotation, Wells had become a presence you realize you’ll miss having around. But you have a sneaking suspicion he’ll be back.

“How’d you feel last weekend?” you ask, walking with him toward the break room.

“Oh,” he says holding the door once you swing it open. “Yeah. That sucked.”

“Did you end up getting to talk to your niece?” you ask him quietly, the two of you loitering at the coffee pot now. Not really enough time to sit down, but just enough to duck away for a second after walking him through some sutures.

“Mhm.”

“Did it help?” you ask.

He shrugs, titling his head side to side. “Maybe? I think a little.”

“Good,” you nod. “It’s good to have people you can reach out to outside of all of this that remind you why. Even if we’re here for you, too.”

Wells talks about his next rotation, in psych — which he’s told you many times by now he’s not particularly excited for. But you told him it might surprise him; you remember enjoying it back in your MS4 year, after you’d avoided it as long as possible.

“You’re coming back for that Ortho elective though, aren’t you?” you say, idle chatter.

The NP that had been taking their lunch leaves, and it’s just the two of you after a while. Wells immediately angles his body toward you.

“Listen. I have a question. It’s kinda embarrassing,” he starts.

“Oh?” you blink, shaking away the cobwebs that crowd your mind in the dead hours of this shift. The microwave tells you it’s almost 6am.

“What are the moral implications of me asking out a nurse? Even if she’s on day shift?”

You can’t help the laugh that bubbles out of you.

“Is it that bad?” Wells asks, distressed.

But you cover your mouth, clearing your throat to stop your laugh but unable to fight your smile. “It’s Emma, isn’t it?”

“How’d you know?”

“I have eyes.”

His cheeks flame red, a feat considering how pale he’d just been. “Well, yeah. It is her. Is that, like, kosher? Is there a policy?”

You pat his shoulder. “Oh, Wells. If a doctor got in trouble every time he hit on a nurse around here we’d be a skeleton crew.”

“So it’s fine?” he says, his tone hopeful.

“Sure. Some personal advice, though,” you wince, thinking back to an elective last year when an EMT asked you out your first day. You’d avoided the ambulance bay for four straight weeks after you’d kindly rejected him. He was cute, built in the way that a lot of EMTs are, and he never held it against you. Your heart was just a little locked up at your home hospital. “Wait ‘til after your rotation ends.”

He nods seriously. “Got it.”

“C’mon, loverboy, we should go,” you tell him, reaching for the door handle as you make for the exit.

“Thanks, Dr. Y/l/n. I figured you’d know.”

You pause, your hand releasing, letting the door shut again as you turn back to him, skeptical. “Why?”

Wells tilts his head down at you, his eyebrows furrowed. “‘Cause you’re… dating an attending?”

Your heart begins to hammer in your chest. He hadn’t specified, but you know who he’s talking about. And if an MS3 can clock you after a few weeks on shift, you were worse off than you’d thought.

“I’m not dating anyone,” you say, simple denial that you hope he’ll buy.

You curse the casual relationship you’d built with Wells over the last few weeks, because he knew by now nothing was out of bounds. He knew he could talk to you — something you’d have been proud of an hour ago. Something you were proud of when he asked you about hospital dating policy.

“Wait, so you and Abbot aren’t…”

“Wells,” you say quietly. “No.”

“I’m sorry!” he whisper-shouts, his eyes wide. “I’m so sorry, I just figured — the way people talk about it, I just — ”

Your body goes cold, your back finding the wall of the break room. “What do they say?”

“Uh,” he says sheepish. “Just that — ”

But you raise your hand, cutting him off when Shen walks in, nodding to you both on his way to the fridge.

“Actually, no. Um,” you clear your throat, trying to collect your thoughts, painfully cognizant of the other attending who’s now within ear shot of your on-set panic. “Anyway. Like I said, wait until you rotate. Or don’t. You’re fine. You’ll be fine.”

You’ve probably gone as pale as you feel, as pale as he’d been at the beginning of this conversation, because Wells looks concerned. “Dr. Y/l/n?”

“I’m gonna step out for just a sec,” you mutter, avoiding eye contact with Shen, who now seems curious over Wells’ shoulder. “Check back in on our South patients. Then Shen can take you. Or find Ellis.”

“Y/l/n,” Shen calls. “You good?”

“Just gonna get some air,” you say over your shoulder, opening the door again, not waiting for Wells or, god forbid, Shen to follow you out as you let it swing shut, hoping more than anything you can make it up to the roof without running into Jack Abbot.

—

You manage to avoid him, even if you almost barrel full-speed into Crus on the floor and are forced to share an elevator with Park on your way up to the roof, mad at your past self for just trying to make connections with your coworkers, who can now recognize when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis and horrifyingly both ask if you’re alright.

It’s cold on the roof, even as the sun rises in pink and orange tones. You don’t cry yet, but you feel it coming, your elbows resting on the railing, palms pressed into your eyes. You think you might need to sit down soon.

When the door squeaks open a few moments later, you don’t turn, but you recognize the gait of the footsteps before they’re even halfway to joining you at the railing.

“I’d ask you what’s wrong,” Jack starts, and his tone is steeped in frustration. “But would you even want my help?”

You’re bewildered, lowering your hands, turning to see him, his arms crossed stubbornly over his chest with one of his eyebrows raised. “What?”

“Nothing,” he shrugs. “Just feels like my senior resident has gone around to every doctor in this hospital before coming to me even once.”

“Dr. Abbot—”

“You know I begged Robby to let me have you on nights?”

You’re slow to stand up straight. “What?”

“You came to me as an intern, Y/n,” Jack says. “I saw what you were capable of the first time you swung shifts.”

“But I—”

“Night shift is hard,” he continues. “Pacing is weird. Patients are weirder. It’s not for everyone. But I watched you, and I just — I knew you could find your place here.”

It’s a streak of pride, you realize, underlying all of that tension.

“And you have. So what I can’t work out is why you’re going to leave Pittsburgh without even talking to me about it, when you and I both know…” he continues, he tears his eyes from the sunrise, looking unsure suddenly, finally meeting your eyes. “You know you have a place here with us, don’t you?”

He’d made that clear enough since you started your third year. Unfortunately for you, that was right around the time the line had started to blur.

“But that’s it, Jack, I don’t — I don’t know anything anymore. Because this place is — it’s you,” you accuse. “I’ve tried so hard to make my own lane and you’re just all over it.”

He balks at that. “It’s my fuckin’ shift. I brought you on it so you could make that lane. And you have.”

“But you’re my attending,” you say, begging him to understand. If Wells could read between the lines after four weeks, surely Jack had, too. Maybe he had been doing that all along if the hospital really was abuzz about it. You cringe, thinking about him discussing this with anyone else.

“Right. So you come to me when you need help,” he says, his hands on his chest. “Not Robby. Not Shen. Surely not fucking Park.”

“I can’t,” you plead, feeling tears brim at the back of your eyes. “You know I can’t.”

“Why not?” he says, moving closer. You wish he wouldn’t — you wish he’d go downstairs and just let you freak out like you’d been needing to for weeks.

You wish above all that you didn’t have to leave the place you loved so much because you love the man in front of you more.

“Why?” he repeats, his hand reaching for you. Your breathing stops, your eyes finding his again. His eyes are dark as his hand rests on the side of your jaw, making sure your gaze doesn’t stray again. “Just talk to me for once. Please.”

You feel a giant tear leaking out of your eye, racing a hot path toward his calloused palm. He catches it with the side of his thumb.

“I always thought that I’d move right back to Texas after residency. And then I came here,” you admit. His left hand finds the other side of your face, and you realize you’re fully crying only by the movement of his fingers. “And I met you.”

Realization across his face, his brow unfurling, his lips parted — to be quickly followed by his touch gone from you, you’d assume. Maybe an awkwardly offered tissue and a promise to forget all of this. Another reminder about getting a letter of rec before the door swings open and closed again.

But the whipping cold doesn’t bite at your cheeks. You actually only get warmer as his body moves closer, your chest touching his; you’re worried he’ll feel your heartbeat soon if he presses any closer.

“Y/n,” he says slowly.

“I love this place, Jack,” you continue, swallowing around a new set of hot, ugly tears that fall anyway. He tracks the movement of your throat. “It breaks my heart every single day but I love it. And I looked up one day and realized I hadn’t even considered a program outside of Pittsburgh in years.”

“No. Don’t bullshit me anymore,” he says, shaking his head. “Robby said you wanted to leave.”

“Because of you, Jack,” you whimper. “Because—”

“No,” he says again, shaking his head with more vigor. “No. You take me out it. Now.”

“What?”

“I’m here. I’ll be right here after you’re done,” he says, his voice steady and his words precise, like he’s walking you through a procedure or explaining to a patient their options. “I’m yours, whether you stay here or not. Wherever you go. I’ll be here.”

“Jack,” you breathe. “What are you doing?”

He moves closer, his breath fanning over your face; the warmth welcomed as the cold cools your tears. His hands tilt your head up slightly.

“You still need me to spell it out for you sometimes,” he asks, not an ounce of mirth or amusement, not longer just asking. Begging. “Don’t you?”

You nod.

“You’re an amazing doctor,” he says with conviction. “I don’t know if this is gonna help your situation or not. But…”

His nose nudges against yours, and his ribcage heaves against your chest. Your eyes flicker to his lips, and you don’t know if this will help you either.

“Please,” you say anyway.

Jack Abbot is a bit of an asshole — the edge to his personality that he needs in order to run a place like this bleeds through on some nights more than others. He can be stern, more stubborn in the midnight hours.

And he kisses you just the same. You pull away after a moment, somehow finding the mental space to be worried people will notice you’re both gone.

“Jack,” you breathe into his mouth, your head spinning. “We should—”

“Nuh-uh,” he speaks through spit-slicked lips, his mouth finding yours again quickly. “Come here.”

—

“You’re not getting out of a coffee chat with me. You know that, right?”

Jack watches you freeze where you’re digging through his dresser, your hands paused on an olive green t-shirt. You hold it up to him in question and he nods.

“What do you mean?” you ask, pulling it over your body, kneeing your way back up the bed, settling back at his side. Your hand finds where his is outstretched.

He checks his watch where he’d discarded it on his night table after shift, your PTMC badge right next to it. “Coffee pot’ll go off in like two minutes. And then you’re gonna talk to me about your fellowships.”

“Yeah? That’s what this all was?” you ask, your eyes trained on where your fingers trail up the inside of his forearm, tracing the lines of his veins. He grabs your hand when it’s back within his reach.

“Talk me through it,” he says.

You rejoin him in bed minutes later, carrying two cups of coffee from his kitchen. You’d asked him how he liked it before you went down the hall, wrinkling your nose when he says black with a little sugar from the tin on the counter. He’d enjoyed the view anyway as you sauntered down his hallway, bare except for his old ARMY shirt.

“No almond milk for me?” you accuse.

“I’ll add it to my list for next time,” he says, sitting up against his headboard, accepting the cup offered to him. You hand him your cup too, which he sets to the side with confusion.

He notices then the black leather notebook tucked under your arm, that you must have grabbed from the bag you’d discarded in his entryway last night.

“What is that?”

“Where I keep all my notes,” you say, bashful, flipping it open, a PTMC waiting room pen jammed between its pages. “From talking to people.”

He’s silent for a moment.

“What? You said—”

“No. Go ahead,” he says. “You’re so hot right now.”

He bends his leg, which you immediately lean on, hiding your smile in his knee. “Stop.”

“Go.”

You sigh, flipping through your pages, biting the pen between your teeth. “Ultrasound at Presby is out. Crus’ll get that for sure.”

“Nope. I haven’t finished his letter of rec yet,” Jack says. “I’ll tank his chances if you say the word.”

“I didn’t even want it,” you admit with a one-armed shrug. “It’d be really cool, but…”

“Not your thing,” he finishes. You nod.

“Then, I talked to Park about peds,” you say. “I knew he did a peds fellowship. For ortho, obviously. At PTMC, too.”

“What’d he say?”

“That I’d be stupid not to do it,” you deadpan.

Jack grumbles. “He’s right.”

You flip to the next page, giggling. “Don’t let him hear you say that.”

“Trust me. He will never hear it in my ED.”

A glint in your eyes, like you see right through him. You remember that interaction that had knocked him off-kilter a few days ago. You see it differently now.

“And then, oh — Robby, Shen and Crus all talked to me about emergency med education,” you say. “Robby’d write my letter.”

“I already wrote your letter,” Jack admits. “I’ve been waiting for you to bring that fellowship up for weeks.”

Your pen falls to the pages, your mouth twisted in confusion as you tear your eyes away to look at him. “Why didn’t you?”

“You’re smart enough. And I knew you’d love peds just as much,” he says, tugging your notebook out of your grip, the pen, too. He tosses it aside. “But only one of them is at my hospital. And I didn’t wanna… It’s all yours for the taking, baby. Anything you want.”

He sees your eyes trail his bare chest, the skin of his legs where his thighs are peeking out from beneath his boxers, still tangled up in the sheets. “All of it?”

“You mean me?”

You nod.

“For a long time now, Y/n,” he says. “And you don’t need to write that down.”

“Why?” you ask, rising up to your knees, his free hand finding the back of your thigh, helping you swing it over his lap.

“‘Cause I’ll never let you forget it,” he promises, tilting his head up to you.

“Put your coffee down,” you command, settling in his lap, your hands finding his cheeks.

“Why?”

“‘Cause I’m gonna spill it,” you warn.

He turns his head, nudging your discarded phone out of the way with his mug to make room. Your things all intermixed with his so naturally, he feels silly thinking back to how this all even started. “How does my wisdom measure up to the other—”

You cut him off mid-sentence, your lips slotting over his open mouth. You taste like his toothpaste and the shitty coffee he buys pre-ground at the grocery store. The skin on the back of your thighs is so damn soft, but he already knew that. Your jeans are in his living room.

“They don’t even compare,” you murmur.

“No?”

You shake your head, before eyeing the cups of coffee on the side table. Your face twists.

“But we have to get you a new machine, Jack. What the fuck are you drinking?”

—

A few weeks later, you walk into work with Jack, a cold brew with almond milk in your hand and a drip coffee with one raw sugar packet in his.

The closing baristas had already memorized your pre-shift orders at the shop you’d found near Jack’s place that has quickly become his favorite spot — not Crus’, Robby’s or Park’s.

And for the love of god, not Dunkin’.

The matching logos leave no room for mistakes to be made by anyone who’s paying attention — and as Jack had recently discovered, they’re all paying attention.

You leave him at the central hub for the lockers, just a smile in parting. You were professional enough. And you’d already kissed him enough in his car, his lips still tasting like coffee and your coconut lip balm.

You received two fellowship offers earlier that morning, only a few hours after shift. Peds at PTMC or education at Presby.

Both in Pittsburgh.

But the choice was yours, which he made sure you knew before he helped you celebrate properly.

“Is that something I need to know about?”

Jack looks up from where he’d been yanking pens out of his bag, depositing them into his scrub top pocket. Your pen had somehow made it into his backpack; he could tell from the bite marks.

Shen is leaning against the back of the central desk, slurping the remnants of his coffee through his straw loudly. Lena is pretending, very poorly, not to listen.

“What do you mean?” Abbot says, unamused.

He takes another much-needed sip of his own coffee — you were so far proving detrimental to his post-shift sleep schedule.

He turns his head from Shen to find you across the room at West 12, already seated bedside, nodding along to whatever Langdon is saying about the patient present.

You catch Jack’s eye, your lips pulling up around your words, and he decides he’ll be fine even if that smile goes to Presby.

Because it’s still coming home to him.

You felt the strands of his silky hair brush over your nose and let out a sleepy giggle, nose rubbing against his collarbone in pure affection. Steve and you barely had a filter when you were awake with each other to start with, but still floating in that half-asleep state of mind, it vanished completely.

If someone saw you right now huddled close under the navy-blue sheets of his bed, they would’ve seen two koalas with abandonment issues. You wouldn’t even object, you were just really in love with your clingy, perfect boyfriend.

And today, you loved him more than ever.

“Happy Valentine’s Day, baby.” Steve murmured into your hair, followed by a sweet kiss to it as you stretched out with a throaty groan and rested your chin on his heart to look up at him. His big eyes were still hooded from a good night of sleep and cuddles with you, lazily blinking back at you with the kind of love-sick smile that was only reserved for you.

“Happy Valentine’s Day.” You mumbled back, bridging the distance between you and him for a gentle kiss.

God, there was nothing like kissing Steve Harrington.

He always let out this little noise against your lips, like this was the first time and coming as a complete surprise. But only a second after, you always felt his entire being relax around you, hands pulling you closer and gently holding your head as he deepened the kiss.

You sighed happily, fingernails scraping over his shoulders as you hooked a leg over his. But Steve seemed to have other plans and slowly turned you on your back, shifting over you with one practiced motion so he could continue his journey of kisses down your neck.

You were like puddy in his hands, brushing your fingers through his hair as his lips ghosted over your skin, intent to find all your sweet spots and hear those little gasps he loved so much.

You could’ve stayed like this forever.

But unfortunately – before it was really Valentine’s Day and your boyfriend only belonged to you – reality was waiting.

“Steve…” You breathed, closing your eyes in bliss as he soothed a freshly sucked-on spot with his tongue, his hand drifting underneath your sleeping shirt, over your belly… “Steve, we have to get up. It’s getting late-“

“The kids can wait.” Steve huffed but pulled back, but not before peppering at least a dozen kisses on your face. You laughed underneath him, arching your back to escape the kiss attack but only ending up even more entangled with him.

“Maybe your bunch, but not my kids.”

With a sigh of lighthearted defeat, Steve rolled off you and let you sit up with a grin.

It might’ve been the most romantic day of the year, but life waited for no one.

Fortunately, Steve got a day off, but you were still expected to work the morning shift at the kindergarten. Steve had promised Lucas and Mike to help them pick out ties for their own little dates in the meantime and so, the two of you had settled to make it a romantic evening at his house, not telling each other your plans for the night.

“I’ll miss you.” Steve looked at you with his best puppy eyes and something big and loud inside of you wanted to give in and roll on top of him once more, but you were strong. Or at least, stronger than your primal urges to keep your boyfriend in bed all day.

“You’ll survive”. You kissed him one more time before slipping out of bed and walking to the attached bathroom.

Steve smiled to himself, crossing his arms behind his head as he listened to your steps and waited. He could hear them falter as you came to a stop in front of the mirror, a big gasp shortly following that made his heart flutter.

“Steve!”

When Steve drove you to work a little later, his hand rested on your thigh in the passenger seat, eyes tearing away from the road as often as he could to see you play in delight with the new shiny ring he bought for you.

“Have a good day, baby.” Steve smiled at you as he parked in front of your work, tucking a lost strand of your hair behind your ear and giving your forehead a featherlight kiss. “Take care, okay? I’ll see you in the evening. Love you.”

“Love you too.” You waved at him over your shoulder to show off your gift one more time and only when you made it to the door of the day care, Steve turned on the engine and allowed himself to drive off.

Just a few hours and you’d be all his again.

At work, your thoughts kept drifting towards the evening, a dreamy smile on your face as you thought of Steve while entertaining the toddlers in your kindergarten group. Luckily, today flew by with barely no tantrums, your kids all dutifully taking their midday naps so you could clean up the play area in peace for once.

Whenever one of your kids snuggled up to you as you read out loud for them or laughed at one of your jokes, it was almost impossible to not think of a future like this with Steve. You vividly remembered one afternoon where he had come to pick you up from work and stood frozen in the doorway, absolutely enchanted by the way you interacted with the kids, loving and patient and so adorable. Steve had wanted to make you his wife and mother of his future babies right there. And god, you were a strong woman, but when the love of your life murmured about wanting to see you pregnant with his babies while railing you expertly into the mattress, you had your weak moments.

You blushed to yourself at the memory while tying one of the boys’ shoes, lost in thought and silently going through your to do list for your big date with Steve.

“There you go, buddy, all done.” You let the kid go play with an encouraging nod, your hand playing with the delicate ring Steve had gotten you for your birthday. Not too many hours now…

Getting out of work was like a breath of fresh air.

After changing into one of the pretty dresses Steve liked so much, you felt light as a feather as you shouldered your bag and walked down to the small grocery store Joyce worked at. A week before, you had put together a list of everything Steve and you liked to eat when you were together.

Your boyfriend was a sucker for Boppers and good cheese, the bread they only sold on Saturdays for some reason and crackers he could dip into anything he found around the fridge. And there was this one sort of wine you were really into and that made a romantic night even fancier.

Joyce had kindly ordered everything from your list from a supplier outside of Hawkins, telling you with a wink that she was going to save it until you’d pick it up after work.

The grocery store was empty at this time of the day and when you entered, Joyce was rearranging canned soup and spices on a shelf near the cash register.

“Oh, hi honey!” The older woman greeted you, looking almost guilty at you. “I tried to call Steve’s home number earlier, but the two of you must’ve already left. We got a call this morning that the truck with our orders broke down. They won’t arrive until tomorrow.”

“Oh.” You frowned. “Are they…okay? Did someone get injured?”

Joyce opened her mouth in surprise. “No, no, they’re fine. But I know you really needed these things for your date with Steve, I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

“It’s okay.” You sounded more cheerful than you felt, really. “I’ll just…browse for a moment and figure something else out then. Thank you, Joyce.”

“Of course, love.”

You walked past the shelves and freezers, but nothing really caught your eye.

Apparently, it was really hard to get your hands on Boppers these days and everything else wasn’t personal or special enough for a date night. When you got back to Joyce at the cash register with empty hands, she smiled sadly at you.

“I’m really sorry, sweetheart.” Joyce rubbed your shoulder, but perked up when she had an idea. “How about this, we got these red and pink balloons you can have? Balloons are nice for boyfriends, right?”

You laughed weakly and nodded. “I mean, if I can buy them, I’d love that.”

Joyce immediately walked to the back, talking over her shoulder to you: “I mean, my time for dating is long over, but I’d love some balloons on Valentine’s Day!”

“I’ll let Hopper know.” You called after her with a small smile, the disappointment over the lost food quickly becoming smaller when Joyce came back with multiple shiny heart balloons on a string. They were big and just the right amount of cheesy and you knew Steve would laugh at them.

“They’re perfect. Thank you so much, Joyce.”

You continued your journey downtown, the mass of pink hearts following you over your head. Maybe Steve would be happy about some pizza as well? But he’d spent the day with kids already and it was a real proper date night. Not even the wine had been in stock anymore, how would you look if you pulled up to your Valentine’s Day date with take out pizza and apple juice?

You rummaged around in your bag for some bubblegum, your own way to take the edge off as you mentally went through every other food store in Hawkins and if they maybe carried what was still on your list.

Your feet carried you forward blindly and just as you wanted to look up, there was a loud honk and you stumbled backwards in shock.

It all happened at once. The car that had nearly run you over drove past and you almost fell on your butt, the road way too close to where you had just stood. A split second later, you realized you had let the balloon string go.

“No, no, no…” You scrambled to your feet and jumped to get a grasp on them, but they were already gone.

You watched breathlessly as the red and pink hearts flew into the sky, mocking you silently as a few other people watched and marveled at them.

Shit.

There was something so sad about the sight, you felt tears prickle behind your eyes, harshly blinking them away to get a grasp on yourself. They were gone and they were not coming back. You were not going to stand in the streets and cry about some silly balloons.

Steve always knew how to cheer you up in small moments like this.

You knew if he were here with you now, he’d lay his arm around you and pull you along with a kiss, probably mumbling some sweet nonsense into your ear.

But with yet another fail of yours, the frustration in you grew and planted unease in your belly.

Luckily, the flower shop was still stacked in the afternoon, the room bursting at the seams with hundreds of different roses and other pretty flowers. Clueless boyfriends were running around and groaning about prices as you pushed through the chaos and quickly assembled your dream bouquet for Steve.

You added some extra flowers for good measure and left a tip for the ladies behind the counter.

With the bouquet pressed to your chest, you soldiered on.

At least you could get flowers right on Valentine’s Day.

You took a deep breath as you walked into Family Video, willing the growing overwhelming pit in your stomach away as you straightened out your skirt. Yeah sure, maybe plan a and b hadn’t worked out, but you still had Steve’s and your favorite movie.

To make sure it was in stock for today, you had asked Robin to hold it back for you without Steve noticing and you could always count on Robin. As you walked up to the busy counter – a lot of couples wanted to make it a romantic movie night, it seemed – you mentally took a note to bring Robin some flowers in the next few days, too.

“Oh my god, please don’t hate me.” Robin groaned, grimacing as she buried her face in her hands at your sight. “You’re gonna hate me so much, I’m so so sorry…”

You laughed nervously, prying her hands away from her reddening face as you frowned. “Um, Robin? Don’t be silly, why on earth would I possibly hate you? Is everything alright?”

“Noo…” Your friend cringed at herself, taking a deep breath. “Okay, so I meant to call you at work, but all these annoying couples are raiding our store like crazy and then I couldn’t and now you’re here and you’regonnahatemebecausethemovieisgone.”

You blinked at her, an eerie internal silence washing over you. “W-What?”

Robin sighed deeply, quickly excusing herself from business and coming to stand beside you around the counter to rest a hand on your shoulder. “I promise, I put the movie away for you, just like we had said. I even had it ready behind the counter because I knew you’d come in after work, but now it’s gone. There, I said it again. I’m so sorry, I lost the movie you wanted to watch with Steve tonight.”

Your heart sank, shoulder deflating as your gaze flickered behind her. “Are you sure? Maybe you just misplaced it, we can check again-“

“I already checked five times, I have no idea where it went.” Robin shook her head, really feeling for you as she gnawed on her lip. “Maybe one of my co-workers lent it to someone else while I was on break or someone took it from behind the counter…I can help you find something else? I bet Steve wouldn’t mind if it wasn’t your all-time favorite…”

If your bags had been full with food and the balloons were still with you, you would’ve agreed. But all you had for now were some flowers that would die in a few days and not even a romantic movie for the occasion.

You were surprised to open your mouth and find yourself at a loss for words, throat suddenly tight from boiling emotions. If you had not been through it two weeks ago, you would’ve guessed your period was close.

Of course, Steve wouldn’t mind.

Your boyfriend was one of the most patient, understanding people you knew. (At least with you.) But it was almost five and so far, you had nothing for your Valentine’s date with Steve and by now, it felt like it was all your fault.

Steve and you had watched that movie during one of your first dates. A night without the world ending or a bunch of chattering kids surrounding you. That night, in the dark of the movie theater, Steve had held your hand for the first time. A first sweet kiss had followed on your doorstep as he said goodnight.

It was special and maybe you were overreacting, but that wasn’t Robin’s fault.

You forced yourself to smile at her, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes and she could tell. “Okay, Robin. Thank you though, really. I’ll just…Have a good night with Vickie later.”

“Aw no, it’s gonna be alright!” Robin tried to cheer you up, but you had already turned for the door. You weren’t angry, of course not, but you felt like if you’d stayed just a minute longer, you’d burst into tears in front of everyone in Family Video and you had already been through enough today. “I’ll help you pick out another one, it’s gonna be fine-“

“Thanks Robin, but I’ll just go and think of something else.” You mumbled and pushed past the door, your nose itching as you tried to center yourself like Steve had taught you to when you were getting anxious.

Outside on the road, it was already becoming darker, your date with Steve shifting closer and closer.

You looked down the street, trying to think of another store you could burst into to get – at this point – anything that wouldn’t have you show up at Steve’s with empty hands.

But today, luck simply had abandoned you.

Checking your watch, you made a beeline for the crosswalk, not paying attention to the road.

“Watch out!” Someone called behind you, but it was already too late.

Startled, you dropped the bouquet, a splash of dirty water from the street landing on your dress as a careless driver waltzed the delicate flowers down under the wheels of their car.

You stood frozen, the skirt of your dress dripping wet and ruined with dark splashes, the flowers to your feet broken and trampled.

That was it.

The final straw.

A sob caught in your throat as you bent down and brushed a hand over the ruined flowers. What. The. Hell.

You walked up to Steve’s house feeling like a complete failure.

Your knees were still  trembling from the run across half of Hawkins and exhaustion crept up your neck from holding back frustrated tears. Your shoes and calves were still splattered with dirty water from the car and you simply couldn’t wrap your head around the fact that nothing had worked out in your favor today.

There were no balloons with you or nice food or a gift. Hands empty except for a single pink rose you had managed to save from the squished bouquet on the sidewalk. Everything else had either been missing or destroyed.

Your fingers were trembling as your hold on the delicate flower tightened and you walked up the steps to the front door.

If you weren’t in such desperate need to be held by your boyfriend, you simply would’ve given up and gone home, ready to cry the night away with a big bucket of ice cream because you were such a pathetic girlfriend, you couldn’t even organize Valentine’s Day for the boy you loved more than anything.

You sniffled to yourself before trying (and failing) to take a deep breath.

You rang the doorbell and waited.

There were quick footsteps coming from the inside and you brushed over the skirt of your dress one more time, trying to be as presentable as possible in your current state. Then, the door opened and Steve greeted you with the biggest smile as he met your eyes.

It vanished in under a second.

Your boyfriend forgot how to breathe for a moment, the sight of unshed tears brimming in your tears and the dirt on your pretty dress nearly making his heart stop.

“Oh my- sweetheart, what happened?” Steve rushed out the door, both of his hands resting on your shoulders as he scanned you up and down for any injuries or pain. “Did you get into an accident? Someone say anything to you? I swear to god I’m gonna kill whoever made you cry like this-“

“I guess you’ll have to kill me then.” You shrugged miserably, not wanting to meet his eyes. But Steve only rested two fingers underneath your chin and tilted your face up and you went pliant at his soft touch.

“What?” Steve frowned, his heart breaking at the sight of your wobbling bottom lip and red rimmed eyes. “I don’t underst- c’mere baby, let’s get you inside first. You’re shaking.”

With a steady but gentle hand on your lower back, Steve led you into the hallway and closed the door behind him. His brain was going into overdrive, needing to get to the bottom of whatever made you so upset. He needed to fix it, to make you smile again and happy.

You hugged yourself as you looked at him guiltily, worrying your bottom lip between your teeth as you searched for the right words. But no matter how much you had wanted to keep it together, the tears were already overflowing as you struggled to stay calm.

“I only wanted to make tonight a good date.” You told him through the tears, too upset to refuse the immediate hug Steve was pulling you into. When you were like this, he always needed to hold you, no exceptions. It made him hurt just as much to see you hurting. “I had plans- I wanted to get all our favorite fancy food at the store and our favorite movie, but nothing worked out! I couldn’t even get Boppers! I had balloons and I let go of them and then I dropped your flowers and I feel so stupid, because I just wanted to surprise you and do something nice for you, but I can’t even manage that! The whole night is ruined because apparently, that’s all I do. I ruin nice things, I’m so sorry-“

Your ramble ended in a desperate gasp for air as you sobbed into Steve’s chest, the entire anxiety of today crashing together over you like a wave. You were sad, but also angry with yourself and it all felt like a big confusing cocktail of emotions that needed to burst out of you.

“Aw, my poor sweetheart.” Steve cooed comfortingly, swaying you back and forth as he held you and let you cry. You always had been an emotional girl and he wouldn’t have it any other way. Despite the pain in his chest to see your pain, it also made him feel grounded to know he was the one who could comfort you when everything just got too much.

And the reason for your tears? God, he just wanted to wrap you in his arms and never let go.

“Baby, it’s okay…” He kissed your temple and drew back just enough to carefully wipe away the warm trail of tears cascading down your face.

“I just wanted to do something nice for you.” You leaned into him, feeling stupid despite the kisses Steve pressed to your cheek and eyelids. “You always go out of your way to make me feel so special and I wanted to return the favor…”

“Baby, I love you so much for wanting to do that and I’m sorry you had such a bad day, okay? But I promise you I don’t need much to have a good Valentine’s Day with you. I would never be upset because you didn’t get me flowers. That’s part of my job, hm? To make you happy and spoil you like crazy. And who needs Boppers when I got the most beautiful, amazing girl I could ever ask for as my girlfriend? I’m the luckiest guy alive, okay? Not just today on Valentine’s Day.”

His kind, soothing words made a fresh round of tears well up in your eyes as you blinked up at him, sniffling. “Really?”

“Of course, sunshine.” Steve pulled you into his side to lead you towards the guest bathroom. “It’s all good now, okay? We’re fine, this is completely fine. And…you weren’t the only one who planned something for today, you know. How about you’ll freshen up and I’ll get you some of your other clothes, hm? Does that sound good?”

“Yes.” You sighed tiredly, the thought of washing your face and the whole day away sounding so good to your ears. “That would be nice.”

A couple minutes later, you were dressed in one of Steve’s comfy sweaters and shorts and your boyfriend was leading you out onto the terrace, his hands over your hands so you couldn’t see.

“Steve, I’m going to trip!” You giggled, holding on to his arms as he slowly led you forwards.

“I would never let you trip, baby, we’re almost there.”

You felt the grass tickling your ankles as he suddenly stopped, slinging his arms around your waist from behind and resting his chin on your shoulder. “Open your eyes.”

The most romantic sight was right in front of you.

A big blanket was splayed out in the garden, surrounded by dozens of little candles that painted the space in a soft, warm light. A tray of sparkling cider and two plates awaited alongside with a bouquet of pink flowers while a cake rested in the center of the picnic. It was the most spectacular cake you had ever seen, all decorated with sparkles and white cream icing. The elegant frosting on top spelled ‘I love you, sweet girl’.

“See?” Steve watched with a crooked smile as you gaped at it all. “I can plan a Valentine’s Day date too.”

“Oh Steve, this is so…” You blinked back tears for the third time this day as he laced your fingers together and led you towards the blanket. “I love this so much, it’s so pretty.”

“I also got our favorite movie for later.” Steve told you as you sank down to sit on a pillow, followed by an offended gasp coming from you.

“Oh my god, that was you!” You laughed, already feeling silly for being so upset earlier. “Robin held it back for me, but someone stole it from behind the counter. That was you?!”

Steve blushed filling up a glass for you with a mysterious shrug. “I won’t tell all my secrets, but…I might’ve had Mike distracting her so I could go through with it.”

You solemnly clinked glasses and Steve fed the first piece of chocolate-cherry cake to you as you talked about your day and everything that had gone wrong. But now, in Steve’s presence, you were even able to laugh about it. In return, Steve talked about the challenge that was picking ties for Mike and Lucas, especially when Dustin and Max had joined the mission only to make fun of them. Afterwards, the whole gang was going to meet up for a game with Will and El, so why dress fancy anyway?

“I guess they just want to impress the girls.” You said, having migrated to sit closer to Steve as you rested your head on his shoulder and looked up into the slowly darkening sky. “They learned from the best when it comes to girls, after all.”

“Who, me?” Steve smirked down at you, wiping a little icing from your bottom lip with a dreamy look in his eyes. “There’s just one girl in the world I’m trying to impress, baby.”

“You do.” You squeezed his hand in yours, warm and safe and snuggled against him. He widened his legs for you to sit between them, his hands automatically resting on your thighs and hips to steady you. “Every day. I know how much you care, Stevie…”

A shiver both from contentment and the chilly air outside ran down your spine.

Steve noted instantly, perfectly in tune with you as always.

“How about we go inside, hm?” He helped you up, hands rubbing up and down your back to get a little warmth back into you. “We can watch the movie, cuddle…”

Kiss. Kiss a whole damn lot.

It went on unspoken between you, but you saw how Steve’s eyes darkened when you bit your lip. The thought of heavily making out with your boyfriend on Valentine’s Day suddenly seemed way better than watching a movie you had already seen five times with him.

Steve seemed to think the same.

You stretched up on your tiptoes and played with the hair in his nape, your lips eagerly meeting his in the quiet silence of his garden. Steve almost stumbled backwards, but caught himself to hold you close, kissing you back feverishly.

You never got tired of the addicting way Steve kissed you.

He kissed with all the need and want in his body, all or nothing but still so soft and always giving you enough space to breathe if you wanted to. But right now, you didn’t need to – you needed to crawl inside of him, wrap yourself around him in a desperate attempt to become one.

Nothing felt more like home than Steve Harrington did to you.

And you were so ready to give yourself over into his experienced hands.

“Let me take care of you,sweetheart…” Steve mumbled against your lips, his arms already hooking underneath your thighs and lifting as the blankets slid from you. “’m gonna make love to you, take my time with my pretty perfect girl. I love you so much, you know that?”

“Yeah, I do…I love you too, Stevie.” You nodded at him with big eyes, gladly locking your ankles together behind his back and pressing your chest against his as he carried you up the stairs. “Take me to bed.”

The kisses didn’t stop once you were inside and there was a brief detour by the big couches in the living room and the bottom of the staircase, the two of you insatiable for each other as you kissed and kissed and messed up each other’s hair and clothes.

There was quiet laughter and the first careful moans let out into each other’s mouth while your hands explored each other’s skin. And when Steve pulled your sweater over your head for you and looked at you like he’d never seen anything more perfect in his life, you knew no matter what all had gone wrong today, this was still the best Valentine’s Day date ever.

There was still time for a movie later.

But if there was one thing you had learned today, it was that you didn’t always have to follow the exact same plan to be as happy as you could be.