Stuff N Things

What’s up folks today I found out I’m uninvited to my older sisters birthday party next month because my lack of visible excitement will be awkward for anyone else attending but she doesn’t want me to “pretend to have feelings about things like this” because it’s disrespectful. So that’s nice. Guess at least I save money on gift giving and won’t have to prepare myself for a social outing.

Personally I like the masks. I don’t need to pretend I care about people’s stories that drag on forever or remember all my tricks I was taught to seem sincere in my expressions. The mandates are a saving grace for my mental energy as I go throughout the work day and interact with the thousands of people I have to go through a day to get paperwork and routine tasks done. I’m milking this thing for as long as possible.

Weekend of parties finally coming to an end. Much needed social break. I don’t understand how there can be so many people in one place all trying to hang out with the same person and they actually enjoy the constant communications. My only solice in dating the party host is that I was only needed when introductions were made and he was perfectly fine hanging out with all those friends without me actively present in a mental sense.

Been a bit since I posted again. Horrible at using this electrified meat blob in my skull for anything but hallucinations lately. Habitica is helpful in doing daily tasks and I have decided to keep it because nothing else seems to last 3 days with me. My family has a lot of birthdays this month and within the past week(ish?) a lot of deaths of close friends. So I’ll be online more so I can avoid the usual questions about why I’m such a bitch at any kind of emotional gathering. For the record I don’t think I’m being a bitch, I let the people do their things and I go find a place close by to not interfere but everyone has to be terrifically social and “helpful”. I keep forgetting that telling people you simply don’t care is a cry for help and clearly I didn’t have enough therapy in this life. Not tagging this one, be back soon probably.

Been struggling a bit with doing little daily things because of my focus on larger goals. Teaching my baby how to eat food now that she has a tooth, learning two languages, trying to keep a good exercise routine, remodeling a room... it’s a hassle trying to keep a daily routine with these to the extent that i find myself forgetting to take medications and eat or drink anything all day. Got a lot of work to do so I can show my daughter and myself that I can be responsible and take care of my tasks and myself even with the effects of my disorder. It’ll be good for her to see that I think. Still got the habitica app just got to keep on top of everything.

I’ve been doing pretty good keeping up with daily things and making sure I’m bringing my baby with me every time I do something like brushing teeth, prepping food or cleaning. She seems interested in trying to open things and hopefully she’ll start wanting to build good habits alongside me. It’s nice to feel like I’m a positive influence on her and not just doing the most convenient thing at the time. Recently decided to add hashtags occasionally so I can get suggestions on habits or life improvements I can make to better influence my child’s growth

Doing basic things every day is still just as difficult to remember with a habit tracking app as without because most days I don’t even feel the need to have my phone on me. I don’t really keep friends without great effort on my part and it’s too exhausting to be worth it for most people. I do live with my partner and our small child but I live with them so there’s no reason to be on my phone unless I get in one of those lonely states where I wish I had a friend even if it’s only ever temporary. I’ve tried finding someway to remember to use my phone every day but I’m not sure if I can keep a reasonable streak going where I actually take care of myself daily. We’ll see if I can make it to a month of using this app at least before I decide if it’s helping anything. It’s day 8 right now.

I was supposed to start this as a New Years resolution because I want my baby to have good examples of how to care for yourself but I clearly am not good at that. Recently downloaded a habit tracking rpg app to remind me to do daily things that I keep losing track of. Hopefully I can convince myself to keep it. Will start logging some sort of pictures in my next post. Not tagging anything in this blog because I don’t want to. Thank you and goodnight