Oh No

I had been nervous for a while about this trip. my extended family has known that I'm gay, nonbinary, and that I live out of wedlock with my very lesbian partner for a while, but I've never brought up that I live with two girlfriends instead of just one. I worried it would cause a lot of confusion and scorn. but my parents invited both of my partners, and I didn't feel that I could adequately explain both of their presences platonically. I decided that I would have my mom explain polyamory to my much more open-minded aunt, and took it upon myself to approach my grandparents with my confession a month or so before the trip.

they took it well, shockingly so. I assumed this might have been due to the fact that my mother had previously verbally bludgeoned them both into using my proper pronouns post-transition, and also due to the fact that there had been several family spats forcing my grandparents to be more openminded about The Gays before. they're remarkably loving and accepting of my status as a nonbinary lesbian, for seventy-five year old lifelong mormons. we have a very good relationship despite the fact that they clearly don't understand a lot of my choices. for this particular revelation, there wasn't even a whisper of open disapproval, just a "well, we'll always love you and hope you're happy no matter what." I took this as a good sign that my grandparents are becoming more accepting and went on my way.

my aunt, meanwhile, had been dealing with much less acceptance on the grandparents front. she'd invited her friend kevin, who by all appearances is a totally normal dude, to join us on the trip. my aunt is a single divorced mom, and kevin is unmarried. these two facts alone were enough to a) convince my grandpa that they were Definitely Going To Have Sex Out Of Wedlock if they went on a trip together and b) convince my grandma that kevin was Definitely Going To Graphically Murder My Aunt if they had sex with each other. their resultant mormon fuss over these completely unfounded conclusions was enough to get them to both completely boycott the trip.

when my aunt told me these things over dinner the other night, I was completely dumbfounded. I knew my grandparents didn't approve of their children and grandchildren committing Fornication, but they'd never been as hysterical over me and my older sibling living with unwed partners as they were over my aunt hanging out with her platonic guy friend. it seemed not totally out of character, but still shockingly at odds with their previous attitudes towards me and my partners. I was bringing not one, but TWO lovers I'm not married to on this trip. was that not worthy of an outcry? isn't it super weird of them to care more about potential straight sex than my Homosexual Threesomes?

I brought this up and my aunt cackled.

"I told Dad the very same thing," she said, grinning. "I was like, 'why do you care about this but not Nic and their two lesbian lovers?' and do you know what he said to me?"

I did not.

"He said, 'well that's different. Lesbians can't have sex.'"

my dad HOWLED. the only other person at the table, kevin, choked on his drink. I was too dumbfounded to say anything.

"did you tell him?" my dad said through his laughter. "does he know?"

"I think he wouldn't get it even if I did. I'm pretty convinced that he thinks the only sex that counts is the kind that has a penis involved. anyway, I kind of don't want to talk about lesbian sex with my dad while we're arguing."

A Surprise Pride and Prejudice Engagement

Because our mother does,

Because her mother did,

Because her mother lived through the Dust Bowl.

One day my father sat me down and told me about epigenetics.

How the trauma he went through

As a child in an abusive home

Wrote itself into his DNA

And, in turn, into mine.

How he and his brothers,

In various ways,

Are all sick from it.

How I might be too, someday,

And I’m not sure I’m not.

I hear people say,

When will we get back to normal?

And I think of a woman born in the twenty-first century

Who puts her glasses away differently

Because of what her great-grandmother endured

A compilation of Harry Potter tripping, holding a sneeze, bumping his elbow and silently swearing, knocking stuff over… all while stalking Draco Malfoy under the invisibility cloak.

Meanwhile Draco’s like

Andromeda: Where did you hear-

8 year old Regulus: It’s when you fold paper to look like birds and stuff.

Narcissa: That’s oregano you-

Wrong. Okay, picture this–

So there’s the prince, okay? He’s like, smack dab in the center of the ballroom, and he is like, horrifically aware that this whole ball thing is a result of his dad falling into a panic about the royal lineage or whatever and he’s stuck listening to highborn girl after highborn girl, all lined up, introducing themselves like, “Oh yeah my family’s been a longtime supporter of the crown, and I think you’re cute, *cough* I’ve been told I have child-bearing hips *cough* Who said that? Anyway–” and Princey boy is just smiling through it, he has been the center of attention for entirely too long, he misses his emotional support horse, and is just internally like “Someone please kill me now.” And then… he sees her–This isn’t a love at first sight thing, this is a ‘what the hell is going on over there’ thing, because this girl has not gotten into the Debutante line for a solid 45 minutes. 

She’s just at the hors d’oeuvres table going HAM on the prosciutto-wrapped asparagus, and like, she’s polite about it, she’s happy to move aside for other people grabbing punch and canapes (and she’s really so sweet with the wait staff, it’s kind of cute because they’re like… definitely not used to being acknowledged) but it’s like, “Damn girl, did you not eat today?” and then the prince is kind of stuck with the uncomfortable thought of ‘how many girls starved themselves to fit into a corset for this.’ And then the Prince realizes he’s missed the past 4 Debutante introductions because he’s watching Mystery girl hork down crab rangoons. So he’s like, “Excuse me” and manages to break free from the never-ending parade of girls who will hop on his dick for status.

 And as he’s approaching Mystery Girl, it’s kind of hitting him that something’s not quite natural about her. Not fake, but not quite real. But at the same time this whole evening’s been just a whole circus of people acting fake as hell, so like, someone seeming a little off doesn’t seem bad, necessarily. And he sidles up to her like, “Hi,” and she’s like, “Oh–hey, have you tried the tapenade?” and she points to one of the plates, and at this point, he could hit her with the “You don’t know who I am, do you?” deal or the “Very funny, I see your play” deal, but at this point it occurs to him that, no, he hasn’t had anything to eat throughout this whole damn ball, partially because of being stuck in the debutante parade, partially because of nerves, and there’s something so disarming about the question that he grabs a crostini and she still seems so food-focused that it doesn’t seem possible that this is a play. So they both grab little plates and ditch the party.

She pretty much clears her plate in under two minutes and then has half of his plate, he’s cool with it, mostly he’s just absolutely fascinated listening to her.

See here’s the thing about Cinderella:

1. She doesn’t know he’s the prince. Like yeah, he’s been at the center of the room, but she’s kind of spent half the party eagerly looking around everywhere she’s allowed to go (”Have you seen rose garden? Have you seen the solarium??” further confirmation that she doesn’t know who she’s talking to) and the other half stuffing her face with food. 

2. She assumes she’s never going to see anyone here tonight again, and no one recognizes her, so she has no filter.

So she’s just talking about whatever with this guy. He seems cool. She talks about her friends, who are rats. She makes little outfits for them. Sometimes they bring her little gifts. She is already the coolest person the prince has ever met because of this. She pretty much offhandedly talks about whatever is fucked up about the kingdom that would take his advisors two hours of hemming and hawing and watering down to address. She just says it like it’s nothing, just funky little things she’s observed, and again, she’s not aware that he’s the prince, but it’s still pretty damn bold to bring up at a literal royal ball.

She… seems to have the majority of graces that lots of girls from Respectable Families™ have, but there’s something strange about it, something simultaneously broken and hardened, like the way you can see where ice has thawed and re-frozen. Also the way she talks about her family, and the way she avoids talking about her family– is raising several red flags, not in the “Oh this is another person trying to take advantage of me” sense, but in the “Oh fuck, something’s gone really wrong and you need help” sense and also lowkey a ‘damn is she even getting fed?’ sense. But he can’t say, ‘Hey, that’s not fucking normal for people to say that to you or treat you that way. We need to get you out of there,’ without sounding crazy himself, so for now, he’s just going to chill, make sure she’s comfortable, and keep enjoying the evening. She’s somehow befriended like 4 of the waitstaff so they’re willing to cover for them while they disappear for a little bit, and they get plenty of time to talk, but eventually it hits her that she hasn’t danced yet and she’s like “Come on! I bet we can make the prince jealous!” and he just bursts out laughing at that like “hell yeah, let’s make the prince jealous. He’s a real asshole.” Like clearly she’s having a good time, so who is he to make it weird? So they head back to the ballroom and they dance. And our girl, Mystery Girl, Cinderella, while they’re dancing, becomes acutely aware that everyone is staring. That doesn’t seem quite right. Like, yeah she’s hot, she knows she’s hot, but at least a good third of the party should still be focused on the prince, right? Where is that guy, anyway?

Oh.

Oh wait.

Oh shit.

And Princey Boy actually picks up on her realization and they whisper argue for like 3 minutes. “Why didn’t you tell me?! Now I feel like a goddamn idiot!” “I dunno it was nice being treated like a normal person” “Well me treating you like a normal person makes me a goddamn felon or something did you consider that?!” “Hey–Hey–it’s cool–you’re cool–I think you’re amazing, and if anyone says shit about you, I can shut it down.” “Well I don’t like that! That’s fucked up!” “I agree. It is fucked up, but I believe in you, and I think you should have a chance, and I’m here to back you up. I know power is fucked up right now. I know. But are you cool with working with me to change that?” And our girl Cindy pauses on that for a couple seconds, because.. she’s just spent hours with this guy and like.. she knows he’s a good guy, she knows he means well, so she’s like, “I don’t know how long I can actually work with you.” and the prince is like “Look, I know your home situation is complicated right now, but I really think we can–”

And then the bell starts ringing.

It’s midnight.

Lily: oh my god, stop it! i don’t want to go out with you on a date

Regulus, passing by: can’t relate

Lily:

Regulus: he fucking heard that!?

Lily: loud and clear

zuko: exiled son of the fire lord. did these two get you up to speed?

sokka: wait you’re WHAT-?!

katara: what do you mean, YOU’RE THE EXILED SON OF THE-?!

aang: i mean, mostly???

katara: I AM! your dad is the reason my mom is dead

zuko: i like the enthusiasm. avatar, you can be moral support

sokka: i’d like to hit the loserlord at least one (1) time with my boomerang if possible

zuko: i’ll allow it on the condition that you hit my sister as well

zuko: exiled son of the fire lord. did these two get you up to speed?

sokka: wait you’re WHAT-?!

katara: what do you mean, YOU’RE THE EXILED SON OF THE-?!

aang: i mean, mostly???

katara: I AM! your dad is the reason my mom is dead

zuko: i like the enthusiasm. avatar, you can be moral support

sokka: i’d like to hit the loserlord at least one (1) time with my boomerang if possible

zuko: i’ll allow it on the condition that you hit my sister as well