in my blackberry winter

i watch a lot of films, read a lot, and am constantly listening to music (mainly 70s, 80s, and 90s).

by day i'm a gender + sexuality researcher (grad school) and a copyeditor (job).

+ multifandom ao3

(stardew valley, stranger things, pacific rim)

+ trc ao3

Ronan didn't ever lie, not technically, but he traded in half-truths and secrets and confessions veiled behind jokes. Getting something real from Ronan Lynch was as rare as getting a paycheck with enough to save. So when he plopped down on Adam's bed—which they basically shared now, on the nights when Ronan slept over—and announced this fact straight up, Adam could only stare at him.

"Christ, Parrish, I take it back. Never mind," Ronan huffed, throwing his shoe at him.

Adam let it hit his leg and bounce harmlessly towards the door. He could've shot back any number of replies, sharp and sarcastic, but he only shrugged. Despite wanting to fuck with Ronan, he was actually quite flattered.

The quieter part of his brain whispered that he slept better with Ronan here too. He pushed the thought away.

When he returned from the bathroom, Ronan was asleep. Or "asleep," probably, but his eyes were closed and he was face down with his hood pulled over his head. His hair was getting longer; he'd probably ask Adam to buzz it again soon.

The first time he'd asked Adam to do it instead of Gansey had been after one of their group movie nights. Ronan had driven him back to St. Agnes and ended up staying, and complained so extensively about needing to re-buzz his hair that Adam had almost lost his mind. Finally, a sheepish Ronan had asked if Adam just wouldn't mind doing it right then.

That was Ronan Lynch, incredibly impulsive in every single way. He always needed something to happen the minute he decided it must.

It'd felt almost like an honor, to run his hands across Ronan's scalp under the guise of making sure everything was even. Ronan's eyes had fluttered shut and Adam had gotten to look at him, really look at him.

It was just a normal Ronan activity, something that needed to happen every two months, yet it felt like something.

Everything lately had started to feel like something.

It used to keep him up at night, this thing growing between them, but now it felt like they were headed toward something inevitable and that was okay. He was both nervous and wasn't nervous about it. He simultaneously wanted whatever this was and was afraid to want it. Yet despite that, whatever this was with Ronan felt okay. Felt good. Like it didn't matter how things were going to go, because it was just them.

At least, that was what he tried to tell himself.

But when he rolled over and came face-to-face with an actually asleep Ronan… it felt real. And scary.

Somehow, when he wasn't paying attention, Ronan had gotten through those last few walls he kept up. He had so many goddamn walls, built painstakingly over years and years, and Ronan had just bulldozed through them like he did with everything else. It was fucking ridiculous.

He had to be careful. So fucking careful. This was Ronan; not some girl flirting with him in town or a younger student winking at him across the hall. Ronan Lynch was half-god and half-man and entirely consuming, and Adam didn't quite know what to do besides let himself be pulled into his orbit.

Pulling his blanket over his head, he released a long breath. He let his leg drift to rest against Ronan's. The black fabric of his sweatpants was soft against him. Adam squeezed his eyes shut. He wanted to pull Ronan into his arms the way Ronan had done with him so many times, but he didn't have Ronan's bravery. All he had was this ache deep in his chest and hands that were too sweaty for the October chill.