Pronouns: She/He/They, Age: born in 1995, On Autism Spectrum, Current obsession(s): Bouncing between Marvel, Star wars fix it fanfiction, and playing minecraft
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there’s sixteen Colorado counties that their most searched was “wolf furry”, plus thirty-odd counties (not counting either Arapahoe or any of the ones marked here as “Insufficient Data”) which may well have had plenty of searches for “wolf furry”, just fewer than for whatever they’re labeled here
and “skunk furry” searches in Arapahoe County outnumbered “wolf furry” searches in the entire state of Colorado
Rex: Fives you're alive??
Fives: Chancellor's a sith
Rex: WHAT??
Fives, loading a blaster and getting back into a speeder: Chancellor's a sith
Fox, in the back of the speeder: *gang sign*
Tbh I think the ships should have been Anakin/Rex and Padme/ALL the Handmaidens and I think that could have fixed them. Padme and her handmaidens could have adopted kids. Rex and Anakin could have adopted a couple thousand shinies. It’s how it SHOULD have been. Obi-Wan is the one who gets pregnant and it’s found out when he throws up on Count Dooku who panics and comes back to the light side wondering who poisoned his grandson. Palpatine is hitting his head on the wall. Cody and Vos are fighting over who knocked him up (it was Bail Organa) and Anakin is oblivious to everything.
Honestly she knew about them but she hasn’t had time to bed him herself (she had to settle for holocalls 😔) and that means she wasn’t there while Bail got him pregnant!! She wanted to watch!!! Cody and Quinlan are arguing that they should be involved in it too. Breha is setting an appointment to go to Coruscant and then kidnap Bail and them back to Alderaan so they can have a like two month vacation of bedding Kenobi.
Jokes on everyone one twin is hers cause the force thinks that’s funny.
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I am thinking... about Integration-adjacent AUs, where the Mandalorian empire is OFFICIALLY anti-slavery but they have a fun little exception for criminals and POWs. This is mostly just implemented as "stick 'em in the brainwashing tower," but
Satine has a concubine. Obi-Wan.
People are very critical of this not for moral reasons, but because Obi-Wan is too clever by half and keeps offering political opinions, despite being half-naked and draped in sheer fabrics and gold chains etc.
He's not even force-cuffed! He could be using JEDI MIND TRICKS!
He also keeps having shady conversations in dark corners with Satine's political rivals, and her allies are worried that he's here as a plant by the Trads to destabilize her rule and destroy the New Mando movement in pursuit of a Glorious Ideal because Obi-Wan is somehow(?) more Mando than Satine herself is.
Cut to behind the scenes and it's revealed that Satine and Obi-Wan met YEARS before, and fell in love in part because of shared ideals regarding pacifism and anti-imperialism, and hatched a plan for him to be FAKE captured so she could request him as a "pet" to keep at her side but actually he's her secret weapon and there fully of his own choice, and he's playing the trads like a fucking fiddle.
Obi-Wan did go through the brainwashing tower when he first arrived (they already planned on him being her concubine, so it wasn't a surprise when the Mandos put him through an unusually horny training regimen) and hasn't given anyone reason to put him in the brainwashing building since, because he feels a duty to stay at her side.
Probably this initially takes place through the POV of like... Anakin or Jango or something. As soon as some Crucial Plot Element is done with, Obi-Wan just kinda stands up and stretches and goes That Was Fun, I Should Go Now, and then he and Satine flirt a bit about how he has to return to the Jedi as the awe and horror builds in everyone around them, realizing what the hell has been going on for the past few years.
Bo-Katan, who's like twelve, off to one side: So does that mean you're actually going to marry him now that he doesn't have to pretend you own him?
Obi-Wan: Oh, I'm afraid not. I've enjoyed my time with the Duchess very much, but I've a life to get back to.
Bo-Katan, who was being half-raised by him since the parents died and Satine took over: NO!
Anakin, smug, at Bo: And he's taking me with him!
It is at this point that Bo-Katan attempts a murder.
(NGL this came to me as a flash-in-the-pan vibe from one (1) sentence in this smut fic by @bittodeath, but also halfway through I realized I was kind of bouncing off of this AU I did a few months back.)
#I'd read the hell out of that #But can I also bring to the table even longer-con SatinObi #In which they both agree the empire needs major overhaul #Truly they'd both like it is there wasn't an empire anymore but there's a) Sith about and b) #Doing this in too short a time could be catastrophic #Some planets *do* depend on the empire structure for their mere survival #So it's. There. Down the line #But probably not within their lifetimes #And so Obi-Wan is here to act in the shadows or as a concubine tee-hee doing things Satine cannot officially do like some meetings etc #Putting people into place for their goals #Idk I have many SatinObi ideas in that vein (via @bittodeath)
Oh, absolutely. I only realized with your comment here that I didn't actually clarify what the ages are meant to indicate. I envision Bo as being almost exactly halfway between Anakin and Ahsoka, so if she's twelve, then Anakin is fifteen, and if we go with the usual "Anakin was somehow found by Mandos, Obi-Wan called dibs" but through Satine, then it's been at least six years of Obi-Wan and Satine running the con to dismantle/restructure the Mandalorian Empire into something less Empire-y. Satine wants to institute a functioning parliament, dammit!
Kept thinking about this and had further ideas riffing of one I really enjoy using for Mando-related stories, which is: Pre is a Jedi Shadow. More under the cut.
So Obi-Wan thought, like basically everyone in the galaxy, that he was the first Jedi to make it to the Mandalorian Empire. But in fact he was the first one to do it overtly. There are already several Jedi Shadows within the Empire in different postings, with different missions all relating to intelligence and protecting life/helping fellow Jedi in dire straits.
Most are low-to-middle importance postings, but one, Jedi Knight Preston Tarek, used his talent and youthful appearance (and quite likely some key people he knew and trusted) to become Pre Vizsla, a young upstart of the Vizsla family, and eventually ended up as, officially, the head of propaganda, and unofficially, the head of Death Watch, the military police loyal to the Empire, to Mandalore, rather than to the Mand'alor, because those come and go. So as a double-agent, he's uniquely placed to protect fellow shadows and smartly use dissenders and moral objectors (because there has to be some, especially given the New Mandalorian movement), but he also has to be very careful and isn't actually involved in legislation.
And then Satine and her agenda come to power, and she's someone he could work with but he has a persona + appearances to keep, so it's complicated. You don't keep that kind of posting without being a bit paranoid (yes there are intern moral struggles and a quest for identity in there but that's not the point).
And then. Like a gift from the Force. There is Obi-Wan. Who is so obviously a plant he can't be, right? Right? (Pre totally facilitates his becoming Satine's concubine, his work definitely involves having an eye on the mindbreak facilities) So Obi-Wan and Pre make contact, Obi-Wan is very relieved and happy to find out he's not the only Jedi out there, and this time Pre has his in to Satine! They can plan things further, he has much more leeway if he doesn't need to hide from his Mand'alor. So on a legal basis things are still slow-going, but underneath it there is a lot happening.
Basically Obi-Wan and Satine have access to more allies than they believed they had when starting, which considerably smoothes things out for the most part (not all the time, though. Sometimes, hard decisions have to be made.).
YOU KNOW THAT POPULAR AU WHERE MANDALORE IS ITS OWN EMPIRE AND WHENEVER IT TAKES OVER A PLACE IT BRAINWASHES THE CAPTURED REBELS INTO BEING LOYAL CITIZENS (yes I know it's called the Integration AU)
I want one of those where you keep hearing about The Emperor but it's Plagueis, and you hear about Maul and Tyrannus and so on.
And then like ten chapters in you run into Jaster (40-ish) and the mistress he got after taking over Naboo, a 25yo Sheev Palpatine.
Dolled up and ostensibly brainwashed and known to have the Force but not any known ties to the Sith, he's just DAINTY and likes Naboo fashion and the readers are constantly hunting for The Truth. Is he a Sith that was successfully brainwashed? Biding his time? Looking to break away from Mandalore with Naboo but not a Sith? Working against the protagonist because he IS loyal to Jaster? Etc
A lot of the stuff you see people do to Obi-Wan, tbh.
Concubine Palpatine...
Also, if we go a bit down the line and instead have it with 50s-Jaster and early-40s bedwarmer Palpatine, we can have the protagonist that's meeting him for the first time be early teens Obi-Wan.
Palpatine has been in Jaster's bed for like. Twenty years by that point lol.
WAIT NO. NOT JUST A CONCUBINE. THE MAN'S A WAR PRIZE TWKYMSKTZKGZ
Palpatine, being Force-Sensitive and politically important, had led a resistance against Mandalore In His Youth, but failed. May be a Sith plot to infiltrate that went sour when the brainwashing actually worked? May have been a Sith plot that failed because nobody expected Sidious to LOSE and now they've washed their hands of him. May have just been a generally shitty Force-Sensitive but unaffiliated with the Sith because Naboo was on the other side of the galaxy from the Sith Empire? I don't know and neither do the readers.
Suggested by @threebea:
Either way he wants to do terrible things to Plagueis, either for his own revenge or on behalf of his husband
Subplot people trying to say Obi-Wan is their love child and could potentially steal the throne because Sheev is also a redhead (it's not true) but dealing with both assassins and they're trying to pull power way from Mereel
Obi-Wan: .... I'm not how is this even a rumour!?
It's because like satine and he for whatever reason used Palpatine as a cover somehow when they were teens and it has 'evidence' that there's a connection
Sheev "didn't want his child treated like he was and gave him up/smuggled him away" (sad sob story)
Obi-Wan: now both Mandalorians and Sith want to kill me for potential throne stealing, and I mean I'm a Jedi, they already wanted to kill me. but this feels more personal somehow
Sheev: ......... (Does not even like Obi-Wan and owed Duke Kryze a favour or Kryze was his ally before his death or w/e)
(Sheev brainwashed or not will absolutely use this tho)
I think there's also potential in 22yo Jango trying to "adopt" Obi-Wan (against the kid's wishes, of course) and explaining away the Palpatine situation with "stay away from him, he's always plotting."
"I thought you said he was successfully integrated."
"He was! But... you know those stories about evil stepmothers? And conniving concubines? He's... both. So just stay away."
Obi-Wan so maybe he's not integrated and he's an ally (no no he is not)
I also think it would be funny if the integration DID work and DID make Palpatine loyal to Jaster, but 80% of his non-sex actions result in "please stop helping me" because the methods are always way outside what even integration-happy Mandalore is comfortable with.
Fully corrupt, but for Jaster
Palpatine is having some palace intrigue and poisoning officials
Jaster: wait no
He's full on Dowager Empress vibes but he's not even married to the guy, nor is the guy dead.
All the political intrigue and skill of the prequels but. As a royal concubine.
Should definitely have beef with Jango for whatever reason
Jango: my childhood was a nightmare because of that man ><
But Palpatine covered himself way too well for it to be proven.
That's why he's 'adotping' Obi-Wan! Needs a force sensitive that he controls (that Palpatine doesn't have access to).
God, he DEFINITELY wanted to send Jango to boarding school. I don't think Jango ACTUALLY got sent away, but Palpatine probably managed a few Summer Sleep-Away Camps.
Palpatine: so you can be perfect for your father
Palpatine: (and get out of my hair ... Maybe have an accident that would be swell)
I want him to have pet Mandalorian peacocks. Drive home the absurdity.
I've decided this AU also has a primary plot about a Mysterious Stranger that keeps showing up to help Obi-Wan (actually help, not Jango's "help") and it's implied to be a member of the lineage, like Qui-Gon or Xanatos or something. Obi-Wan begs to be his padawan, before even knowing exactly who it is. And then, it is revealed to be! A time-traveller! Anakin, but as an adult! He hasn't even been born yet!
And then! The second twist behind the twist! Is that Anakin is not from the future but from a future, specifically! Canonverse RotS!
Ahsoka may or may not have been pulled along. And/or Rex.
Fuck it, maybe even Padmé with the twins?
Generally, all their important future knowledge, must notably that Palpatine is Sidious! Is useless.
Everything is just Too Different.
And in the middle of all that shit, Obi-Wan is introduced to the boogeyman of Anakin's nightmares, a Mandalorian concubine.
I think Anakin, to parallel the Jango bullshit with Obi-Wan, needs to kidnap Satine for her own good.
Just on his way out from rescuing Obi-Wan, he grabs Satine.
And Ahsoka's like "WELL WE CAN'T JUST LEAVE BO" and kidnaps. A 4-month-old.
I know Bo wouldn't be born yet but I need Ahsoka to steal a literal baby and panic about it.
I need her to show up like five minutes after Anakin gets in with his rescue preteens, with a squawling baby, and panic on her face because THIS ONE DOESN'T CALM DOWN WHEN YOU SEND LOVE AT IT IN THE FORCE, HELP
Babe, she's hungry. That's an infant.
Anakin's just making disbelieving noises and eventually throws his hands up a bit and goes "Fine! Three babies, I guess! Force knows where we'll find the money, but sure!"
Anyway, the tweens are informed that they'll have to pull at least a little weight here for uh. Well. For reasons.
Also, Bea offered:
Listen you could set Anakin and Padmé up as Qui-Gon and Tahl
"Whomsoever steals from a dragon’s horde is cursed to turn into a dragon." A desperate, undefended village under threat by an invading king’s army weaponizes this curse by having all the villagers steal something from a nearby slumbering dragon’s horde.
Obi-Wan: That's the artifact we've been sent to retrieve. We need to be extremely careful with it. It turns anyone who comes into skin contact with it into Sithspawn. Could you hand me the shielded container?
Cody: I'll do it, sir.
Obi-Wan: Oh, I couldn't ask you...
Cody: Which one of us is in full armor again?
Obi-Wan: ...
Obi-Wan: Point taken.
[Commander Chat]
Rex: What's new with the 212th?
Cody: Transporting a Sith holocron that turns anyone who touches it into a monster.
Rex: Ouch. I take it it's safely contained?
Cody: It is now. Idiot Jedi wanted to move it to the box. With his bare hands.
Neyo: Jedi.
Rex: Jedi.
Bacara: Jedi.
Fox: Hey, Cody, why don't we get together while you're on Coruscant? I can meet you at your ship when you get in.
Cody: Why?
Fox: I can't want to see my brother?
Cody: Fine.
Fox: Did you swap the containers like I asked?
Thorn: Yes. Why did I just rob the 212th while you were talking with Cody? Please tell me it was for a prank.
Fox: ...
Fox: ...yes?
Thorn: Why does that sound like a lie?
Thorn: Never mind. For the sake of plausible deniability, I'm going to pretend this entire incident never happened.
Fox: What incident?
Thorn: Exactly.
[Private Chat]
Cody: I know you stole it.
Fox: I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.
Cody: Of course you don't.
Cody: What are you up to? I told you how dangerous it is.
Fox: Contingency planning, Cody. I've always been good at that. Don't worry. You know I'm loyal. I would never act against the Republic.
Cody: …
Cody: You know what? I don't want to know.
Fox: Wise choice.
Palpatine: I am your new emperor.
Fox: …
Fox: It's not any worse than the Republic.
Fox: Same osik, different day.
Fox: Might as well go along with it.
Palpatine: My first order is to kill all the Jedi.
Palpatine: My new apprentice, Darth Vader, will lead you and your men.
Fox: That's just Skywalker in a cloak.
Fox: And while the Guard doesn't have a Jedi, my vod'e adore theirs.
Fox: You know what? Kark this.
::ten minutes later::
Fox: All right, you know what they want us to do and you know that they think that we don't have any other option but to do it or die.
Fox: However, that's not true. We have a third option. Now that we're all here, I want you to take off your gloves and touch this stone.
Fox: After you've touched it, you'll become a horrific monster. Everyone will hate and fear you because you're deadly and considered evil.
Fox: Which isn't that much different to how they feel about us now.
Fox: Hound went first and you can see how he is.
::enormous Sithspawn rolling on the floor with a massiff chewing affectionately on him::
Fox: So do it or kill all the Jedi.
Fox: Up to you.
::half an hour later::
Windu: So you're saying that Palpatine's dead and the holonet is livestreaming a Sithspawn chewing on his face?
Bail: Yes, apparently a pack has also taken down his new apprentice. It seems you'll be able to do your healing on Coruscant after all.
Windu: ...
Windu: Couldn't have happened to a better person.
Thinking about how Obi-Wan is notorious Mando-bait and Sith-magnet. Even outside of that, many troopers and civilians go starryeyed over him and he's often hounded by the paparazzi. Like so so many people are just not normal about him.
Imagine Obi-Wan (after a particularly rough day of being hounded by his enemies/admirers) leans against Cody tiredly and says, "I appreciate that you're the only one normal about me" and Cody is sweating bullets because he's sooooo not normal over his general. He feels like he's betrayed his general's trust.
Cody tries really really hard to act normal around Obi-Wan. It gets to the point that Obi-Wan starts feeling upset because every time he tries to flirt with his handsome commander, Cody is the epitome of a professional, cool as a cucumber.
Meanwhile Cody is dying inside because he just wants to grab Obi-Wan by the shoulders and kiss the hell out of him.
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I just spent 5 hrs organizing and shelving books in an academic arcane library because my boss/the principal has set up a magic seal that won't let me leave until everything has been put back to normal, and I've been enjoying every moment of it.
One of those AUs where Jaster survives long enough that it's technically possible for him to show up on Melida/Daan during Book Events.
Jaster, as such fics are liable to have happen, adopts Obi-Wan, who is suspicious of him and everything else. This is partly because of Jedi v Mando stuff, and partly because Jaster isn't great at Basic, and explained what he was doing very poorly. Just general 'add you to my family' but he doesn't know the word 'adopt' in Basic. It's not part of Mercenary Contract Vocabulary so he didn't learn that one.
They get to Mandalore. Meet Jango.
Obi-Wan adds 2 plus 2 and gets 17. He is here to be raised as Jango's future consort. He understands. They seem proper enough that they won't touch him in a questionable manner until he's an adult, so that's... something. Obi-Wan is going to study so hard to be a great Mandalorian consort. He's going to be the best spouse a ruler could ask for. Jango's going to do great with Obi-Wan's help, which he's clearly going to need.
Nobody communicates well enough to get this misunderstanding across to each other. Obi-Wan generally assumes that people are being very polite and not mentioning that he's being trained to act as a royal consort because someone in the royal family needs to know how to greet visiting heads of state properly.
Obi-Wan interprets every "teasing my new baby brother" action from Jango as "teasing my future bride," and that every time Jango calls him brother that it's actually mocking Obi-Wan for being from the Core, or he'd just call Obi-Wan vod like he does everyone else!
Age sixteen or seventeen, Obi-Wan meets Satine. New bestie. Mentions the Jango situation offhand. She is reasonably alarmed and tells her dad, who brings it up to Jaster, and the accidental house of cards finally collapses.
Obi-Wan is offended that nobody seems to think he'd be a good consort. Jango is desperately trying to convince him that he views Obi-Wan as a baby brother and not like That, especially because they met when Obi-Wan was thirteen.
"Fine, I suppose I'll have to take my skills elsewhere then! Satine, do you need a consort?"
Satine agrees in the moment to fuck with Jango... but then a few hours later realizes it's not a bad plan. Plus, the Jedi-Mando kid is cute.
I'm not 100% sure how the misunderstanding could last a minimum of three to four years, but language barriers and stubborn determination to be a devastatingly effective consort can work wonders.
Obi-Wan is so mad. He made himself PERFECT for the job, he is SO QUALIFIED, how dare his resume not even be in the pile!!!
He was so ready to host the spouses of visiting delegations and run events and dictate Jango's wardrobe! He was going to be so good at smoothing things over with the politicians Jango inevitably punched! He was gearing up to be pretty and charming and hide knives in his fancy boots!
Jango, desperately: You can do almost all of that as my ambassador, the job I thought you were angling for!
Obi-Wan: I can't believe you're doing this to me!
Satine: Should we... intervene?
Duke Kryze: I don't think so... it's not our business, and they're not throwing punches yet.
Jaster, face in his hands: This is all my fault.
In my head, Jango is near tears for this entire conversation. Man's DISTRESSED.
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