A/N: It’s been a while since I last posted here. I need to destress myself after a long week of work so here I am, posting reader x Loki fanfic. Sorry for if its not that good. English is not my first language. Everything was turning great to
Warnings: Death, angst, grief, mention of torture
This happened after The Avengers where they decided to keep Loki in the tower after he wrecked havoc in New York to start anew. It was hard at first, but you ended up being close to Loki. Everything was going great for both of you, until he needed to return to Asgard and his death in Thor: The Dark World came.
I love you. I will always do.
The glass of water slipped from your hand and shattered on the floor, snapping you back to reality. For a second, it felt like you had a dream, a sad one you couldn’t remember, as you looked at the city lights outside the glass window of the avengers tower. It had a reminiscing feeling you couldn’t explain and without knowing it, tears were falling from your eyes.
What's happening to me? You wondered as you put your hand on top of your chest and started to clench your shirt. It hurt and it was starting to suffocate, the memories you couldn’t remember.
Tapping the space beside you on the couch, you waited for Loki to accept your invitation. Neither he nor you could sleep so you enjoyed each other’s presence, staring at the city lights and telling random stories to each other.
Loki found a home in you. When he declined to have any conversation with the others, you were patient enough to wait for acceptance. You didn’t stopped trying. Something was telling you that Loki’s more than a troublemaker. You understood more when you heard the story from Thor, and it disheartened you. At first he doubted your intentions, but it wasn’t hard to see that your actions were genuine. After weeks of trying, he opened up to you. It started by talking about books to midgardian culture. Then he started to open up about his home, Asgard, and slowly, he started talking about himself. From wanting to help him, you started wanting to know him better.
For him, you were everything but boring. He always found himself in awe when you were around. You were smart, random, weird at times, kind, and honest. A complete opposite of the God of lies. When he was feared and hated by humans and Gods alike, you showered him with affection. It didn’t take long before he fell in love with you. Opposites do attract. Funny enough, a trickster fell in love with an open book. You didn’t know, so did he.
“Thor was such a reckless kid and I get tired just by watching him run around the palace. That’s why I spent most of my days reading or with mo- Frigga.” He paused then corrected himself. He tried to look and sound stern, but his eyes betrayed him.
“She sounds like a wonderful woman.“ You filled the gap between his fingers with yours. His gaze darted from your hold to your eyes. Your smile was enough for him to understand what you wanted to say and seconds later, you felt your hands intertwined.
“She really is.” Those time with you were the moments he found peace, the same feeling he had with his mother. He felt nothing but acceptance.
The others noticed that Loki changed significantly. They were wary, of course, but they gave him a shot, mainly because you asked them to. They lessened his restrictions, but he still couldn’t leave the tower.
With Loki’s hand locked in your hold, you step into the elevator.
“I don’t think they will be pleased knowing I went out.” Loki said.
“It’s okay. Trust me.” You smiled playfully. With the sound of the elevator saying you’ve reached the rooftop, you pulled him out. The open sky and the cold wind were breathtaking as Loki just stood silently. He had been locked in the tower for months. “Surprise! They decided to let you go to the rooftop as long as you behave and you’re under supervision.”
A smile stretched on Loki’s face as he looked at the sky. He never though he’d appreciate that small freedom given to him. With the beautiful sky and you on his sight, everything was perfect.
Sitting near the edge next to each other, you enjoyed the stars in the sky and the city lights. You told Loki how you talked to the Avengers about granting him access to the rooftop and exaggerated some parts, and Loki was just laughing at your antics.
“Thank you.” He sincerely said. Feeling proud and flustered, you tried to hold your grin and looked up.
“It’s a beautiful evening, isn’t it?” You asked as you enjoyed the view. The sky was generous that night. It was filled with stars and the moon shone brightly.
“Yes. Yes, it is.” Loki answered with his eyes locked on you. He didn’t know when he started to think you were this beautiful. He didn’t know.
“There are so many things and so many places I wish to show you. And I also wish I can see your home. I remember you saying the night sky there is great.” You said, breathing in the cold night air while Loki watched you in wonder.
“It’s second to none.” He bragged which made you laugh. “I wish I can.” he hopefully whispered to himself. Maybe when the day that he could be forgiven came, he could show you as much beautiful things as you showed him. “I wonder what the future has in stored for us.”
“It kinda scares me.” He just gave you a puzzled look so you continued. “One day, I wanna retire from my work and live a normal life. Find someone to fall in love with, live in a peaceful place, preferably by the beach. Have a family I never had. I’m scared I can’t have that and end up alone.” You smiled as you imagined those.
“I’m sure you will. You deserve every bit of it.” He smiled, a sad one, which he hid by looking away. Regrets filled his mind as he wished he could be that person you’ll live with. All he could imagine was living a simple life with you, that was all he needed. And then it hit him; the realization that he had fallen for you. He looked down at his hands that destroyed the sight you were enjoying and killed countless of lives. With nothing to lose, he was scared of nothing. Now, he was scared of hurting you.
“Loki?” You called and held his shoulder, snapping him from his thoughts. He turned turned his head to you, meeting your worried look. “What’s the matter?” Feeling his heartbeat starting to race, he stood up and offered his hand.
“It’s getting late. You might catch a cold.” He helped you stood up then walked first. His head tried to deny his affection towards you and convinced himself it was nothing more than admiration to your kindness.
Ever since that night, you would always catch him lost in thought. There were times when he was just so out of it and didn’t hear half of what you said, and times when he would look so worried. You felt like he wanted to say something.
Things got worst when Thor suddenly visited the tower and asked to speak with his brother. Their conversation was discreet and Thor just left without a word. The moment the older brother walked out of the room, Loki snapped. His jaw tensed and he gnashed his teeth as he clenched his fist tightly in anger, flipping the furniture against the wall with his magic.
You couldn’t help but feel worried that night. You could swear that you heard a loud noise in his room but when you asked him, he just denied it. He didn’t even bother to open his door for you. Couldn’t sleep even a wink, you stood up and went out.
Something made Loki feel uneasy. Other than the frustration he felt from his conversation with his brother, he couldn’t brush off the feeling that someone had been outside his room for a long time. With silent steps, he made his way towards his door and turned the doorknob. His furrowed brows soften when he saw that it was you with your fist up, halfway to knocking the door. Surprised, you immediately rested your hand on your side.
“What are you doing here?” He asked.
“I couldn’t sleep and I saw your lights are still on so I dropped by.” You lied, which was a stupid attempt to the god of lies. “May I?” You looked inside his well organized room. He stepped back, inviting you to come in and you did. The creaking sound of the door closing filled the room. “Loki?” He hummed in response. “Are you okay?” You asked worriedly. He looked like he was taken aback for a second then recomposed himself.
“I am.” He answered stoically.
“You’re obviously not. Please tell me what’s going on. I want to help.” You insisted and he kept denying it. “Why can’t you tell me anything? What did you talk about with Thor?”
“Nothing!” He snapped, taking few steps away with his back turned to you. Your eyes widened by his sudden outburst. “And it has nothing to do with you. I hope you will stop intruding.” Loki stated, his words cutting deep. He didn’t mean to make it sound offending and he cursed himself because of it. It was silent for a couple of seconds until you decided to break it.
“Sorry. I guess I’m just being nosy.” You said, trying to hide your sadness. “You’re right. I have nothing to do with it, but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t help worrying about you.” You blurt out. “I thought we have something, and that you were starting to trust me. I guess I’m an idiot to think that.” Your vision was starting to blur and it was hard to hold your emotions in, feeling rejected, so you walked pass Loki and held the doorknob when he reached for your hand. You turned to meet his gaze. He noticed the glint in your eyes because of the tears forming in it
Loki was just looking at you with a straight face and there was this tension that weigh on both of you when everything went black for a moment. Everything happened so fast. The next thing you knew he was holding your cheek and closed the gap between your lips. You were dumbfounded that you couldn’t move an inch. Your eyes widen and you could feel your heart beat fast. It was a spur of the moment. Loki was broken that night and lost his restraint. When he saw the way you look at him, he couldn’t stop the urge of wanting to kiss you, until insecurity hit him.
Loki was ready to apologize. When you felt your lips parted and he started to pull back, you wrapped your arms around his neck and caught his lips with yours again, returning the kiss he gave you like an answer to a confession and making Loki realize that both of you felt the same. You had always loved him, all those time.
Loki decided to be selfish that night. He put his hand on your back and the other traveled to your nape while kissing you back. It was slow and longing and it felt like it went on for hours, and you smiled while doing so
You pulled back and gazed at his green eyes. He put his guard down with a smile of content that wrinkled the side of his eyes and when he did, the appearance of the room changed. The furniture, pages of books, everything was scattered everywhere. The room was a wreck and you remembered the noise you heard earlier. Your eyes drifted as green lights danced around the room, it was Loki’s magic. You looked up at him again and saw how messy his hair was. You noticed how sad and exhausted he looked, and you knew he didn’t want you to ask.
You just pulled him into a hug. He rested his head on your shoulder while you were caressing his head. “Sleep will make you feel better.” You muttered. “Let’s go.” You gave him a reassuring smile and took him by the hand.
You led him to your room and closed the lights, leaving the lamp beside your bed on. Both of you were laying down on your side face to face like memorizing each other’s feature, as your fingers gently ran through his hair. Your scent and calming touch was enough to keep his mind off of his dread, then tiredness hit you and drifted you off to sleep.
Loki didn’t dare to sleep that night and cursed every passing second. He was just watching you sleep while remembering what he and Thor talked about that morning. He softly ran his knuckle down your cheek and listened to your breathing. Those were the moments that he found peace, moments he wished could be frozen in time, but the sun rose and morning came.
Your eyes slowly opened to see your arm on the spot where Loki should be. You sat right up and looked around. He was not in your room so you tried searching him in his room only to find it empty. You saw Natasha as you ran down the hallway. You called the redhead assassin and asked her if she saw Loki. She gave you a confused look.
“Thor said that Loki explained everything to you.” Natasha said.
“What? What was he suppose to tell me?” Your heart sank as she explained to you the situation and without wasting even a second, you ran to the rooftop.
With his hand holding his brother’s arm, Thor stopped walking and looked pass Loki. Loki turned to see what caught his brother’s attention. His lips parted at the sight of you.
“Stop!” You yelled. “Don’t do this. Please.” Your voice trembled as you ran to Loki. Thor loosened his hold on his brother and let him run to you. You hugged him tightly, as tight as you could, not planning to let go. “Please don’t go.” You begged between your sobs.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” He muttered.
“But why? Everything was starting to work out. Why do you need to go back there?”
“Odin is my father, but he is also the king of Asgard, and the kingdom doesn’t approve of me staying here as a punishment. They wished for me to be imprisoned.”
“But you’ve changed. The- they shouldn’t do this to you.” You were starting to stutter as your breathing became erratic.
“It might seem selfish, but all that matters to me is what you think.” He gave you a smile before continuing. “Regardless of what I am now, what I did cannot be changed.”
“I’ll wait for you.” You sobbed.
“No. Just live your life like I was never here." He objected. "And I don’t think a human lifespan is long enough for my sentence.”
“Then search for me in another life. I don’t care!” You argued and Loki couldn’t help but smile. He thought you really are too much to handle.
“How stubborn.” Loki pulled back from your hug and held your hand. He pulled it to his lips while his eyes were fixed on yours. “I thought staying here was my punishment, then it turned out to be a blessing. Just when everything seems perfect, they need to separate me from you. I guess this is my real punishment.” Tears just kept falling. You couldn’t say anything. It was as if your voice was stuck in your throat. “You don’t deserve this. You don’t deserve me. I can’t promise you happiness.” You wanted to say something but you couldn’t control your breathing. You just leaned closer and kissed him.
“I love you.” You managed to breath out. He rested his forehead on yours.
“I love you. I will always do.” He said before Thor held his arm again and gave you an apologetic look. A light beamed from the sky and then they were gone. You just looked up, hoping you could catch a glimpse of the man who was just in front of you seconds ago.
It was the first time you experienced love and you were not ready for the heartbreak it had behind those wonderful feelings it gave you. It truly hurt you, but you tried to be strong. You wanted to stick to your words and wait, no matter how long it takes. But that strength shattered when Thor came back from Asgard couple months later. The news of his death was unbelievable. You tried to calm yourself as you held your hand, trying to stop it from shaking. You wished Thor would take back what he just said, but he didn’t. All he could do was apologize. Asking to be alone, he walked out of your room hesitantly and glanced before he did, and saw you closing your eyes as you held it all in. When Thor shut the door, you started to break down and cried, yelling as if you were trying to get all of the pain off your chess but to no avail. Thor mustered all of his strength not to open the door behind him and dragged his feet away.
In your job, it was not new to be captive by your enemies and torture information out of you. They would overwhelm your senses with pain. They beat you to death, electrocute you, drown you, and other hideous things, but those pain were nothing compared to what you were feeling that day. It was suffocating. Your heart ached and your head throbbed as you tried to process Thor’s words, but you kept rejecting them.
Loki’s death broke you and it started to affect your work. You became too reckless, always throwing yourself inch away from death. You couldn’t care anymore. You just focused on results and ignored your wellbeing.
Luck was not in your side in your last mission that left you badly injured. You ran inside a building to find the files you needed even though a bomb was set to detonate. You managed to jump out in the last minute and planned a landing but the impact of the explosion threw you to the ground from the third floor. It was bound to happen sooner or later because of the thoughtlessness of your actions. And now you’re in the tower’s clinic, recuperating your body.
Sleep was nowhere near you and your feet brought you to the place where you were suppose to confess everything. You wished you told him that night that you wanted to live the life you were dreaming of with him. You never looked at him as a God, a prince, or a monster. You always saw him as a man. You took a step closer towards the edge of the rooftop. The cold wind caressed your skin and swayed your hair. It was somehow relaxing. It really reminded you of his touch. You looked up at the stars that scattered in the dark sky.
“Beautiful, isn’t it?” You heard Loki asked. You hummed and nodded in answer as tears fell from your eyes. You bit your lower lip, trying to hold your sob in.
“It would be better if you were here.” You turned your head to his direction, only to be reminded that you were alone. A sad smile stretched on your face as you tried to relive every moment you had with Loki.
Thor decided to visit and heard everything from Natasha. He entered the clinic and saw you looking blankly out the window. You snapped out from your thoughts when Thor offered you a glass of water. You smiled as you accepted it.
“They said you need to drink a lot of water to recover.”
“Thanks.” You took a sip, hurting your dry throat a little as you did, but it relieved you. You put the glass on the table beside your bed.
“How are you doing?” He asked worriedly as he noticed the dark circles around your eyes and how thinner you are compared to the last time you met.
“I’m okay.” You smiled at him to ease his concerns.
“That’s good to hear.” Silence fell and he took a deep breathe before he broke it.
“I’m so sorry , Y/N. It’s all my fault. I asked for his help. I should have protected him.”
“Don’t say that. I’m sure he’ll do it all over again given the chance. He loved you.”
“And he loved you very much. No words could describe it.” He said. “He would hate to see you like this.” With nothing to say back, you just looked down. “You’re destroying yourself. You drowning yourself in grief."
"I really am doing fine, Thor. Thanks for your concern.” You suddenly felt his arms around you and pulled you on his chest. His hand caressed the back of your head, breaking the walls you’ve built. Tears fell as you cried uncontrollably.
“I’m really sorry, Y/N.” He muttered.
“I don’t know how to be okay.” You sobbed. “I thought I could, but it keeps getting worse.” Your breathing was short and sudden. He ran his hand on your back, calming you down. Thor stayed like that, comforting you as you cried all of your tears until you worn yourself out and fell asleep.
Gently, he laid you down on the bed and pulled the blanket up on you. He looked at the glass of water he gave you. It gave out faint glow and it reminded Thor of his brother’s last wish; to remove him out of your life. With one last apology, he walked out the room, hoping he wouldn’t regret his decision. He just lost a brother and he didn’t want to lose a friend.
Everything felt more than a dream. You could see all the moments you had with Loki unfold in front of you. Your head was starting to feel heavy and you screamed in pain as you watch everything slowly disappear. You reached out your arm to him as he walked away with Thor on the rooftop, the last moment you had with him, and just how it ended before, a light fell upon them and they disappeared.
“No!” You quickly sat up on your bed. Beads of sweat formed in your forehead with hair sticking on it and your eyes were blurred with tears.
There it was again. The sad dream that woke you up every night. You couldn’t remember what it was about, but it always left you with an empty and suffocating feeling in your chest. It was hollow, as if grief was haunting you. It started happening after you woke up in the tower’s clinic. They said you suffered from head trauma from your last mission so you couldn’t remember any of it. You put your hand over your beating heart to calm it down.
After a couple of deep breaths, you decided to go out for some fresh air and went to the rooftop. It was still in the middle of the night. Stars and city lights twinkled, and the cold air ran through your skin. It somehow felt comforting. You never enjoyed it before, but now it felt like it was your company in your sleepless nights. As the cold wind caressed your skin, tears kept falling from your eyes. You felt like you were longing for something, you weren’t sure. You just closed your eyes and enjoyed that cold night as if it was embracing you.
