Apocalypse Rodeo™

For a mere $1595 dollars you can get shoes that purposefully look like you had a kid wear them for a month of running in the dirt and then hired the same kid to   hot glue on a bunch of cheap fake jewels you bought at the dollar store. 

“Crumply, hold-it-all-together tape details a distressed leather sneaker in a retro low profile with a signature sidewall star and a grungy rubber cupsole.”

What’s that? You need something even more expensive to prove you have more money than all types of ‘poor people’ and want to make fun of them at the same time? Don’t Worry! Golden Goose Brand Fuckery™ has you covered!

For a pittance—just $1645 with FREE SHIPPING—you can buy shoes that are literally covered in hot glue, and look like they’ve been Frankensteined together by taking only the worst parts of worn out shoes and then painting them with spray paint. And then setting them on fire and painting them again.

It’s a delightful steaming pile of expensive hot garbage:

“With style pieced together from an array of options, this eye-catching Italian sneaker offers an edgy twist on a classic look.”

Guh.

Some people just don't follow the rules when it comes to naming their business.

Rule #1: Search the Internet for your name idea, especially as it relates to Rule #34.

Rule #34: There’s probably porn relating to it (it=whatever you are thinking about)

Heinz, in an effort to put more things together that don’t need to be together because you can easily do it yourself, really it’s not hard—we are not that lazy as a species... oh, we are? Oh. Well. Damn. 

12 Servings

1,440 calories (per serving)

Easy to prepare; Just add water and top with cheese!

Made with 100% Real Potatoes!

For Everyday Consumption

Shelf Life Up to 18 Months

“Having originated in the West this delightful dish is anything but grim. In various parts of the USA it's also known as Potato Casserole, Party Potatoes, Cheesy Potatoes, and Mormon Potatoes. Commonly served at funerals and social gatherings. So good they're to die for!“

The Wurst: when you hire your cousin/nephew/aunt/some random person on the street who TotallyKnowsPhotoshop™ to do the cover to your Romance/EroticFanFic Novel.

The Wurst™

The Bad: when your childhood gets studded in manmade Gemz™ and sold at you for excessive amounts of money. The Wurst: when you realize that people will buy this without blinking.

***UPDATE***

They Sold Out.

Authentically Deluxe Cultural Appropriation™® 

Seriously. 2 seconds of Wikipedia searching: “Due to their historical importance and status, many Native Americans now consider the wearing of headdresses without the express permission of tribal leaders to be an affront to their culture and traditions.”

White Dude in a T-Shirt

Blond Girl as “Sexy Indian”

Made by Balinesians, so That’s Ok Then®™

Authentically Dry Clean Only™®

Chief Wansum Tail. 

Oh look. Authentic Deluxe Americana. It includes “Hat”.

“This blocked pilgrim hat is as deluxe and authentic as they come."

Deluxe Features:

Authentic Elastic Cotton Sweat Band

Buckle made of Real Gold®™

Thanksgiving Dinner Options

A Delightful Jello™® Mold of Spaghetti-Os™®†, Campbells™® Condensed Tomato Soup with Vienna™® Sausages

Ingredients

1 Can of Spaghetti-Os™®

½ cup of Childhood Innocence

1 Packet of Jello™® – unflavored, but who are you kidding? You’d make this with raspberry Jello if it meant not going to the store.

23 Cups of the perfect alcohol to drown your sorrows. Or whatever is leftover in the cupboard. Cooking Sherry is an acceptable substitute

1 Dented Can of Campbell’s™® Condensed Tomato Soup.

1 Can of Vienna Sausages. Ask yourself, what are these really made of?

Directions:

In a large pot, place all of your hopes and watch them boil away. Now pour in your water and condensed tomato soup. Use that one can that sits in the back of the cupboard— the one that you bought right after you got out of college and has moved with you 5 times—it’s next to the bulging dented tuna can that you should throw out. Now sprinkle the gelatin on top. Allow gelatin to bloom in the water, about 5-10 minutes. Celebrate your success in making it this far with a shot of tequila.

Once gelatin has bloomed, stir together lightly. Allow your tears to drip into the pot.

Place the pot on the stove and turn the heat to medium. Avoid the temptation to simply walk out the front door and not stop. Keep stirring occasionally until the gelatin has completely dissolved, and the mixture is quite smooth and liquidy. Liquidy. Is that a word? It doesn’t sound right.

Turn off the heat and add the Spaghetti-Os to the pot. Reminisce about how innocent you were the last time you ate these. Consider the intertwined relationship you have with cans of cheap carbs full of processed sugars and your inability to fully realize your adulthood. Mix until well-combined, then pour evenly into 4 cup ring mold. Sob gently in the darkened kitchen. Refrigerate mold for 4 hours or overnight. Celebrate this moment with several shots from that bottle of cheap schnapps somebody dumped on you 8 thanksgivings ago.