Soul For Eternity

The day started with rains and cuteness but quickly spiralled when my mom decided to go out and for some reason, that really affected my mood. I don’t know what has brought upon this intense attachment to my mother suddenly and this single incident caused more than one rift today.

I reconnected with a good friend, on the verge of arguing with my partner, have a couple of whack food items today and in general, I’m done with today.

On the positive, I opened microbiology notes and started revising it (just 5 pages out of 30- what an achievement) and I found some inspiration in Prajakta Koli (YouTube- MostlySane) because I want to be a famous author and have a fan following for my vibes and wholesome content and the bomb fit body. I think she has reached that stage. I too want to get there, with a surgery practice.

My four days to finish medicine subjects have gone terribly. I don’t know what I need more or less in life but I’m definitely realising the need for more introspection, reflection and meditation and more sweaty workouts, longer effective study sessions and more happiness. I miss having fun and maybe others getting to have it triggers me a little sometimes.

I don’t know. My first instinct today is to run away from every person I’m close to. I don’t know why. Maybe I feel like I’ll say something I shouldn’t and ruin things.

Tomorrow I can’t help but start surgical subjects. It’s a full day of Anat, General Surgery and one portion of Gynaecology, but I’m gonna start at 6am finish these by 3-5pm and catch up on some pharmacology, systemic revision and subject revisions. Ideally. Here’s hoping.

Trying to subdue the negativity inside me right now- I’m just going to surrender to Vishnu/Krishna and start my day tomorrow with floor stretches and Vedic chants. I just can’t deal with feeling like a failure or being annoyed or not understood right now. I’m gonna call it a day :)

For the last few days I’ve been getting a check here and there from my body reminding me that something is off. One day my face appeared pigmented like a chess board, another day my weight skyrocketed and the stale cherry on cake, I’ve started experiencing a bagal syncope kind of nausea and headache for the past two days.

I was proud of being a healthy person. I am working out regularly. What the fuck happened?

And then I realised. With all my headspace dedicated to the entrance exam and procrastinating on the prep for the same as a subconscious way to avoid the stress that comes with it, I’m seeing myself gravitate towards unhealthy, quicker food, instead of my favourite salads which may take me some time to come up with it. My study café hours have rid me of the habit of eating my last meal by 8pm and my sleep cycle has gone berserk, leading to a whack circadian rhythm with random eating times where sometimes my first meal of the day happens in late afternoon. It does sound like intermittent fasting but with my decreased energy levels, dizzy episodes and increased weight and fast food intake, I don’t think I’m fasting- my body is starving.

I don’t want to feel dizzy or live with lifestyle diseases. Hence starting this moment, I’m taking the control back.

1. I brought back my copy of The 5AM Club by Robin Sharma and I’m going to read it, bits and pieces everyday. This book made me feel empowered and extraordinary everyday I read it; I’m going to do the same again. Feels like it calls out my vices and guides me towards true mastery.

2. Applying the Atomic Habits protocol, I’m gonna come into the habit of shutting my devices by 10:30pm and eating my dinner no later than 8pm. This means my catch up calls will be preponed and my hormones will start levelling to their ideal amounts at the right times.

3. Not getting my phone in my room. This year my phones have been in transition and because I never felt like I had a permanent one, I didn’t treat any of them like my long term commitments, instead gave myself liberties like games which I would never keep on a phone that was truly mine. I don’t see myself having a permanent phone in the near future so whatever entertainment device I have, it is going to stay in another room with my mother. On that note, no Netflix or watching apps on my work device- iPad.

4. Keeping WiFi access off. Given how multifunctional YouTube is for me, I can’t totally get rid of it but I can absolutely get distracted from it. When I open YouTube for a workout video or a salad recipe, I inadvertently get ten options of random videos that do not serve my immediate purpose but seem interesting nevertheless. Hence- useful + happy videos go in downloads and wifi remains off to shield me from the rest.

5. Vegetables. Lots of vegetables. Studying may be everything for now but health is everything forever and for real, I can’t screw up this exam due to lack in my fitness and agility levels. So I’m going ot take the time out to make my salads or vegetable pastas and sugar free desserts at home for my sweet tooth and eat home food daily while subtracting every processed sugar from my food intake. This includes dessert items, packeted crunchy bits and noodles and any other high calorie low nutrient item. It seems like a big thing but it is actually not. I have done it before, I’ve felt and seen the results and given how opposite I feel at the moment, I know what I was doing a few months ago was indeed the right thing. I’m just going to do it again- replete with academic goals this time!

Regulating dopamine levels to serve me to do difficult tasks is a constant experiment. I have to optimise my day to make 12 hours of studying and a hundred MCQs daily. Given how I avoid MCQs to prioritise finishing my syllabus (which is absolutely the WRONG approach), I just realised that I could’ve used Atoms (the Atomic Habits app) to get into the MCQ habit too.

Well, better late than never. NEET PG is in 18 days and I know that if I can correct my act, I can crack the exam.

Jai Shri Krishna, Jai Bajrang Bali!

This morning I realised that NEET-PG is in 20 days. I don’t want to admit it, but that is raising my anxiety by the minute.

I have a 12 hour study day scheduled and God I hope I can meet all my targets effectively today, and for the coming 20 days.

Currently starting out with Hepatology in medicine and wishing for some chocolate (or a Korean bun from the nearby café). And postponing my workout like I shouldn’t.

And it’s my brother’s birthday.

God I hope I go to bed feeling that cracking the exam is possible. I don’t want demotivation and I don’t want satisfaction that puts me out of action.

I just realised, lots of hopes from God at this point :P

Anyway, here’s some of my favourite drinks from the last month: (Jamuntini, all the iced lattes, Affogato, Elderflower spritzer)