ramble on

The smell of homemade tamales surprises Frankie at the front door and throws him a little. That always happens; tamales smell like childhood and bring up memories of his mamá’s embrace, warm, delicious meals, and that childlike feeling of neverending summer and no worries in the world.

Jay learned to make tamales from his mother and nowadays, Frankie might actually like Jay’s better. Then again, he’s highly biased.

”Jay?” he calls as he closes the door behind him, kicks off his shoes, and hangs up his hat. Drawing his hand through his thick hair, he walks to the kitchen, where he’s attacked by Alma who shrieks SUPWISE and throws herself at him.

”What’s all this?” he smiles as he catches Alma in his arms and hoists her up.

”It’s a surprise,” Jay explains from the stove as she turns it off before joining him and Alma, Bianca on her arm. ”Did you get it?”

Frankie nods. Yes, he did get it. He digs his hand into his pocket and fishes it up: the the coin for his 100 days of sobriety.

”What’s that?” Alma wants to know immediately.

”Daddy got it for being the best daddy in the world,” Jay explains as Frankie hands her the coin to look at. Alma is too young to understand drug addiction but has always known that her dad is the greatest.

Jay turns the coin over in his hand before relinquishing it to Alma, who inspects it with an unimpressed look on her face as Jay leans in to give Frankie a kiss.

”I’m so, so proud of you,” she lets him know in a low voice before pecking his lips again. ”And I love you so much, Frankie.” Another peck before she wraps her free arm around him and leans her head to his shoulder, pressing her nose to his neck for a long, affectionate sniff. He’s wearing the cologne she likes.

Alma squirms and Frankie puts her down before putting his arms around Jay and kissing her forehead, then Bianca’s.

”Nothing to fuss about,” he tries to shrug, but the welcome has gotten to him, and his throat feels tight. When Alma comes back to him with a card that says Best Daddy in the world that she drew herself, the tears come. He lifts Alma up again, hugs her tightly, kisses her cheek, hugs Jay and Bianca, kisses them all, just wants to hold his little family, his wonderful girls forever. To think that he came so close to losing all of them, all of this, for some cocaine…? He still can’t believe how stupid he was.

Jay kisses his tears away. ”It’s okay, baby.”

Alma asks him why he’s crying and he smiles at her as he chokes out: ”Because I’m so happy I got you all, mijita. I love you so much. You, Bianca, mommy.”

”I love you too, papa.”

Jay lets her hand slide down to Frankie’s ass and gives it a little squeeze before she tells him to take a seat at the table.

”I made tamales to celebrate.”

”Tamales!” Alma shrieks and hurries over to her chair. Frankie grins at Jay and removes her hand. Jay smirks back.

”Can’t blame me for trying,” she tells him innocently as she puts Bianca down in the high chair before taking the huge platter of tamales to the middle of the table. ”Okay, everyone, dig in.”

---

After reading Alma her bedtime story and cuddling her until she falls asleep, Frankie leaves her room on light feet and closes the door softly. He yawns as he makes his way to the kitchen. He almost dozed off himself, uncomfortably folded on Alma’s kid-size bed as he was, and now he stretches until he hears joints pop.

The kitchen is tidied up after the evening meal and he drums his fingers on the countertop, looking around. There’s something restless in him tonight, ever since Jay put her hand on his ass earlier. It lit something in him, something he has been repressing ever since he was allowed back home.

Desire. Horniness, to put it plainly. Sure, he hasn’t been oblivious to Jay’s body, he never is, and seeing her lactate always does something to him. But he has been denying himself. Jay may have forgiven him but he still hasn’t been able to grant himself the same grace. He has thrown himself into being a father, making up for lost time with Alma while going to meetings, busying himself with home repairs, volunteering at the VA center, putting in some hours here and there at a friend’s car repair shop. He lost his job when his addiction was revealed and money is now tight. He feels responsible for that and the guilt, in addition to the shame he feels for almost throwing his wonderful life away, made him deny himself the right to think about sex. It’s been easy, of course, what with Jay recovering from childbirth, but he’s not made of stone. Her love language is touch and she has not been withholding that; always brushing her hand over his back when close to him, giving him little hugs and kisses, playing with the curls at the back of his hair when they watch TV at night when the kids are down. He can’t help leaning into those touches. He craves them with everything that he is while knowing that he has not deserved them. Jay relentlessly keeps reminding him of his worth, though, and he loves her desperately for it.

Now that old familiar feeling is reminding himself that he loves her body as well, and he misses it. He misses sex. He longs for the soar and surrender, the ecstasy, her sounds, how she feels. The magic of her climax when his mouth is on her and she’s shaking, squirming, praising his name.

He shakes his head trying to rid it of these thoughts. He can’t get worked up. The initiative has to come from her, he has to be neutral until she tells him she’s ready. That she considers him worthy.

His hand slides inside the pocket in his jeans where the 100 days chip is. He feels it against his fingers, reminds himself that it is an achievement. He has done good. He is making amends.

Still, it’s hard.

Looking for something to do, he walks through the house towards the laundry room, where he finds Jay emptying the washing machine and loading up the dryer. She glances up and smiles.

”Alma go down okay?”

”Out like a light.”

”Thank god we managed to make kids who don’t have issues with sleeping,” Jay sighs as she closes the hatch of the dryer and turns it on. She then turns to Frankie.

”You okay?”

”Yeah, why?”

Slowly, Jay comes up to him, putting her hands on his shoulders when she’s standing right in front of him.

”You’ve been so quiet ever since you came back from your meeting.”

He shrugs. ”Big day.”

”It was,” Jay nods, squeezing his shoulders lightly. ”And don’t you dare diminish that. It’s a big achievement.”

”Shouldn’t have done drugs in the first place.”

”No, you shouldn’t,” Jay agrees, sliding her hands up the back of his neck and burying her fingers in his hair. ”But you did, and you cleaned up. You’re a wonderful, responsible person, Frankie. You just got a little lost. We all do.”

With that, she pulls him in for a soft, tentative kiss. Her fingers thread through his hair like they always do and Frankie lets the familiar touch lull him into a sense of security and peace. Carefully, as if asking for permission, his hand touch her waist. When Jay moves to gently press up against him, he drops his hands to her hips and dares to pull her in. She sighs against his lips, a pleasant, breathless little sound, and that makes him even bolder. He brushes his lips against hers again before covering her mouth, this time with more conviction. His groin feels strained as his cock twitches and starts to harden. Jay feels the growing bulge and she smiles against his lips.

”Missed me?” she murmurs, and that brings Frankie back to reality.

”Sorry, I…”

”Don’t apologize,” she cuts him off immediately. Her blue eyes are dark and slightly glassy, her lips parted. ”Frankie, I want you. Do you want me?”

He swallows, his throat tight. ”Jay, I know I hurt our family bad. I don’t deserve this.”

”That’s not what I asked.”

She’s not going to let him pity himself. Frankie has to smile at the Jayness of it all.

”I will always want you, amor.”

”Then here I am.”

He crashes his mouth to hers, his arms going around her and hugging her tight against him, relishing the full body contact with her. They have cuddled up during sleep since he came home, almost every night, in fact, but that has been innocent. This is not. His jeans are feeling tighter by the minute and when Jay’s hands grab two handfuls of ass, pressing him harder against her, his thoughts go to all the times she’s pegged and spanked him.

Jesus fucking Christ.

”Can we?” he groans against her lips, remembering that it’s only been a little over two months since Bianca was born. Get a grip, calm down, be careful, but not too careful because Jay will lose her shit if she thinks she’s being handled like a porcelain figurine…

”We can,” Jay confirms in a similar breathless whine before breaking free from him to pull her t-shirt over her head. She’s topless underneath, her breasts already filling with milk after Bianca’s evening meal.

”Dios mio…” Frankie sighs at the sight. He raises his hand but looks to Jay for approval first.

”Yes,” she breathes, and Frankie cups her breast softly, strokes the nipple with his thumb, makes her skin break out in gooseflesh. The other hand follows, gently supporting the other breast in his palm, weighing it before his fingers close into the soft flesh for a little squeeze. A few white drops trickle down from her nipple and Frankie catches them on his thumb, then raises it to his mouth to taste it. It’s sweet and warm, and makes him long for something else that he hasn’t had in a long time.

”Baby,” he says hoarsely, ”I want to taste you. Please let me taste you.”

Jay wraps his arms around his neck as she kisses him. ”Bedroom. Now.”

”The baby?”

”She’ll sleep right through it, you know that.”

Yes, Frankie knows that Bianca is a sound sleeper, but what he intends to do could very well make Jay wake up the dead. Still, he takes Jay by the hand and lets her lead him to the bedroom where she wiggles out of the her sweatpants and panties. When she moves to unzip his fly, Frankie grabs her wrists.

”No,” he tells her in a low voice. ”You first.”

He lays her down on the bed and peppers her skin with kisses, from her neck to her breasts, down her stomach where his two children grew, until he finally reaches the apex of her thighs. He kisses the soft flesh, administers teasing little bites, before letting himself have a first taste of her, and he can’t keep from groaning low in his throat.

She tastes exceptionally good. She always does when she’s pregnant or lactating, it has to do with hormones. So rich and deep, a kind of earthy musk with a hint of ocean spray. Or something, what the fuck does he know about these things, all he knows is that he could die happy here, with his tongue in her slick warm pussy, his arms around her thighs, her fingers buried in his hair where they tug and clamber for a grip when her whines threaten to get too loud.

It’s been a while since last time but he’s still got it, Frankie notes with satisfaction as he presses his tongue to her clit, making Jay keen. Not that he thinks that he could ever forget how to do this to her, it feels as natural to him as breathing. It’s more a question of being allowed to, and making up to her all the damage he has done.

So he directs all his focus on her, going carefully and mindfully, alternating between fast and slow until she’s squirming and whining, looking up at him with murder in her glassy blue eyes, and he just smirks at her and then throws her over the edge, making her turn her head to press her face into the pillow to stifle her loud moans. He lets her come down, kissing the soft skin on her inner thighs, rubs his prickly chin against it to get rid of some of the slick, shifts a little to relieve the pressure at the front of his jeans.

”Jesus, Francisco,” Jay murmurs, and that is his cue. If she can speak, she can take another one. He dives back in, pulls her against him, licks into her, lets his tongue dance on her swollen clit until he’s drunk and she’s coming apart again. This time he doesn’t slow down but keeps going through her release, suckling her gently, his tongue making filthy love to her pussy as his cock throbs with every breath he barely has time to draw. Jay is writhing and Frankie notes with satisfaction that her knuckles, fisting in the sheets, are white. He’s missed this so much, thought for so long that he would never be allowed to do this to her again. Yet here he is, growling against her pussy as her thighs start to close on either side of his face, her hands pushing him away as she nears another orgasm. Her moans are helpless and he knows that she’s near, so near. Skillfully, he has her fall apart on his tongue one more time, almost choking when Jay clamps her thighs together with his head in the middle. He pries her legs open just so that he can retreat, and sits back on his heels, chin dripping, tongue almost cramping, cock painfully hard. His discomfort, however, doesn’t matter when he looks at Jay, trembling and gasping for breath beneath him. Holy shit, she’s amazing.

”Okay?” he asks in a whisper. Her eyes blink open and slowly comes to focus on him, but she doesn’t speak. Frankie lowers down over her and brushes his lips over hers, letting her taste herself, feeling her hot breath against the slick on him.

”More?” he dares to suggest. Jay’s breath stutters and her legs quickly hook around his waist. Within a heartbeat, Frankie finds himself on his back, Jay straddling him.

”Your turn,” she tells him as she unzips his pants. Frankie shakes his head, suddenly struck with that terrible feeling of not having deserved her.

”Come here.”

He pulls her up, almost roughly directing her to sit astride his face.

”One more,” he begs of her and feels the little hairs on her skin rise. ”Please, amor.”

She can’t resist him and so he gets to show her his devotion more time. Jay’s holding onto the headboard, back rounded as she bites down on her lower lip to keep quiet. Bianca has been fast asleep the whole time but if she wakes up now Frankie is going to lose it. He needs to do this for Jay, needs her to cum one more time, wants her to cum with all that she has. He works her intensely, lets her grind on his facial hair to find pleasure as she wants to, and he’s finally rewarded with a short but powerful gush of liquid. He drinks her release, savours the sweetness of it, and continues to softly lick her until she whines and gets off of him with trembling legs.

Frankie expects Jay to collapse next to him but she seems to be rejuvenated by this last orgasm, because she straddles him and rubs herself on the bulge in his pants.

”God, baby,” she breathes against his skin before licking at his lips, into his mouth. ”You’re so fucking good at that, I love you so fucking much.”

”I love you,” he replies with a grunt. He could cum in his pants right now, mierda, how he could just explode from how she keeps rubbing that fine, slick pussy against his tight jeans…

”I need you.” Jay is already tugging his t-shirt up, kissing his chest as it is revealed. Frankie hesitates suddenly. The shame is still present in his mind. How can he let her love him, with what he has done? And how can he not, when he wants her so goddamn much?

”Frankie?”

Jay looks at him, this wonderful, beautiful, kind man who would never ask anything for himself but is always ready to give her whatever she wants. And now, all she wants is for him to not feel guilty anymore. He has atoned, he is back, is he clean and healthy and taking care of the girls.

He looks back at her, bashful at being exposed. He’s lost a little weight – apparently he barely ate during the weeks he spent on Benny’s couch – and has dark rings under his eyes but he has never been more attractive to her. She suddenly feels self conscious. She still carries extra weight from the pregnancy and her tits will never be the same again. And yet, she finds it so hard to believe that Frankie would care.

”Do you want to fuck me?” she asks in a low voice. Frankie frowns.

”Of course, I just…”

”Is it my body?”

He stares at her as he pushes himself up to a sitting position with her still astride his thighs.

”No,” he says with conviction. ”Never. Jay, you are beautiful to me, even more so now than when I first saw you. I just…”

She can smell herself on his mouth and it makes her ache for him even more, but she forces herself to calm down and wait for him to speak.

”I don’t see how you can let me even be here, in this situation, with you, after what I did.”

He doesn’t avert his eyes but waits for her sentence to fall. Jay cups his cheeks, strokes the bare spots in his beard, runs her fingers to the back of his head and into his hair. Frankie has to smile; Jay always had a thing for his hair.

”Frankie, do you really think you’d be here if I truly didn’t want you to be?” she tells him quietly. ”I know it’s going to take time for us to move past this but we got time. Neither one of us is going anywhere and we’re here, and right here and now I want to take your clothes off, take out that big, beautiful cock of yours, and put it inside me.”

He gulps audibly and Jay leans her forehead to his, their noses touching.

”Do you want to fuck me?” she repeats softly. Frankie wraps his arms around her and pulls her onto the bulge in his pants.

”Yeah.”

His pants and boxers come off in a flash and when Jay finally leads him into her, both of them are holding their breath and then exhaling in a deep, strained sigh.

”You’re so fucking wet, amor,” Frankie gripes. Jay cocks her head a little and smiles.

”You did do your very best to get me wet.”

”God, I missed you, you feel so good.

”I missed you too,” she whispers in a throaty moan as she begins to swirls her hips, the girth of him almost impossibly big in her despite the thorough lubrication. ”And I missed your big fucking dick…” She trembles with pent up energy and digs her fingertips into his chest. ”Just wanna ride you, baby.”

Frankie grabs her hands and pulls her down on him, capturing her lips in a sweet, slow kiss.

”Slow down,” he asks her, caressing her cheek. ”Just be here with me. Just… let me be in you for as long as possible. Let me kiss you and take care of you…”

He cups both her cheeks as she slowly moves on him, and Jay mirrors the move, holding his beautiful face between her hands as she kisses him again. He moans into her mouth when she squeezes him inside herself, then sits up suddenly, wrapping his arms around her and lifting her up so that she can repositions her legs around his waist. He settles into her slow, lazy rhythm, lips connected in breathless kisses, the bedding rustling around them but not loud enough to wake the baby.

”I love you,” he murmurs into her mouth, ”I’m gonna take care of you for the rest of our lives, I promise, amor…”

”I know, baby,” Jay gasps, again hiding her fingers in his hair as she leans her forehead to his. ”I love you too, Frankie, you feel so good, you’re so good to me.”

His balls are unbelievably tight as she kisses him again, moaning low against his lips.

”Not gonna last,” he warns her helplessly. ”Baby, if you keep movin’ like that…” It doesn’t help that her milk-filled tits are right in front of his face, round and sweet-smelling.

”As long as you stay hard for me, you can cum as many times as you want,” Jay rules in a silky whisper that makes him choke on his own breath before burying his face in the crook where her neck and shoulder meet as he lets go and spurts inside of her in an orgasm that seems to go on forever as she keeps riding him at a slow but thorough pace.

”God, baby, I can feel it,” she gasps into his ear, ”I could feel that all the way inside…”

”Fuck,” he gripes against her skin, ”don’t stop, keep riding it…”

She obliges him and drops her head back when he closes his mouth around one nipple and starts to suck. The flow of the milk, the pull of his tongue, the warmth of his cum spreading inside her with nowhere to go but deeper; the intensity of it all has her squeezing her eyes shut and breathing in short, whiny huffs.

Frankie lets go of her nipple and pulls her lips down to his.

”Okay?” he gasps between the sweet, sticky kisses. Jay’s combing her fingers through his hair.

”Yeah, don’t stop, take the other one.”

He suckles her other tit, lapping up the milk as she moves on him, with him, and when her nipple slips out of his mouth he seeks out hers lips instead, drinks her moans, licks her breath, tastes her tongue.

”I love you,” he tells her over and over again. ”I love you, amor, I love you so much.”

She struggles to control her volume, hides her face against his hair, his neck while fighting to keep herself from riding him too hard as all sensation starts to gather and focus between her legs, inside her where his big cock is rubbing against her just the way she likes, higher and higher and higher…

”Frankie,” she chokes, ducking down to touch her sweaty forehead to his. ”God, Frankie, baby, I’m so close…”

”Lemme hear you.”

”I love you, baby, and I’m gonna cum on your cock…” Her voice is honey and fire in his ear and he grabs her hips, her ass, rocks her against him, him into her, his balls tightening so fast that he almost feels fourteen again.

”Cum with me,” he pleads, and she does, fluttering around him as he pumps his cum inside her, one of her arms behind her, hand grabbing his thigh. He has her mouth covered with his, muted moans traveling between them, his pelvis moving against her as she milks him dry, his hands holding onto her low on her hips, moving her as her rocking slowly comes to a halt.

He lays her down next to him, pecking her lips while reassuring her once again that he’s always going to take care of her.

”I know,” Jay murmurs throatily. ”I know, baby, and I’m going to take care of you too. I got you, Frankie.”

They doze off, Jay in a state of bonelessness after all the orgasms pulled from her, Frankie feeling that a piece of him has begun to forgive and heal. Bianca wakes them with her demand for a midnight feeding and as Jay is slowly stirring, Frankie gets up for the baby. He lays Bianca down next to Jay so that she can breastfeed lying down.

”Comfy?” he asks, laying down facing Jay as she helps Bianca to latch on.

”Uh-huh,” she yawns and curls her arm around the baby as it starts to suckle. Jay’s eyes fall shut and Frankie watches her and Bianca, heart swelling with love. Once again, he wonders what the hell he was thinking, almost giving this up for cocaine. How he couldn’t see straight, see that everything he needed was right in front of him, at home, on the couch watching TV, laughing around the dinner table, bickering in the morning, tantrums when leaving daycare…

As if his thoughts were a call for her, the door opens and Alma trudges in, the hallway light spilling in behind her.

”Daddy?” she whispers. Jay’s eyes blink open and Frankie quickly reaches for his boxer shorts, throwing the covers over Jay’s naked lower body in the process.

”¿Sí, mijita?” He pulls his underwear on before sitting up.

”I had a bad dweam.”

”Come here, let me kiss it away.”

Alma climbs into bed and lays down next to him, grimacing a little at the sight of Bianca. A devoted big sister, Alma still finds Bianca’s total dependance on Jay and Frankie annoying and incomprehensible.

”You don’t need to be scared,” Frankie assures her now with a kiss to her forehead. ”I’m here. Nothing can harm you.”

”It smells hewe. Did you fawt, daddy?”

Jay sputters behind the hand she quickly throws up in front of her mouth in a vain attempt at hiding the fact that she’s trying not to laugh. Bianca loses her latch and whines, and a little frown appears between Alma’s dark brows at the sound.

”Bianca must be quiet.”

”Sweetheart, how about I take you back to your own bed?” Frankie tries, thankful that the dark is hiding his reddening cheeks. ”Bianca will probably wake up a couple more times to eat.”

”No. I wanna sleep hewe.”

”Okay, but then you have to accept that Bianca will cry and maybe wake you up.”

Alma considers this. Frankie exchanges an amused glance with Jay.

”Fine,” the four-year-old finally sighs before burrowing into Frankie’s side. He pulls the covers over her, kisses her again, and wraps his arm around her before turning his head to Jay.

”Sorry my love, it’ll get crowded here tonight.”

”That’s okay,” Jay whispers, reaching her hand across Bianca’s little body to place it on Frankie’s arm. ”I love you.”

”I love you, mommy,” Alma yawns from the other side of Frankie, making Jay chuckle.

”Sleep, sweetheart.”

”Then be quiet,” the girl mutters. Frankie lets go of an amused scoff as he takes Jay’s hand in his and brings it to his lips.

”I love all of you.”

Alma falls asleep almost immediately but Frankie stays awake until Bianca is fed, burped, and put back in the cradle. He pulls Jay against his side, his free arm wrapping around her as she curls up with her head on his shoulder.

”I missed you,” she breathes in his ear. ”Rematch tomorrow.”

His dick twitches and his heart misses a beat.