Dear Diory Bich

I was just so tired of trying to survive and not being able to live a life.

I hate it.

I really want to kill myself now and just get away from all this, but I can't.

Well, luckily, I was able to make myself cry today. But it wasn't enough. While I was crying, I was constantly afraid that the tears would just stop coming. In a way, I was trying to chase my tears by thinking again and again about how pathetic I am. It was hard. I wasn't able to cry that much. They stopped pretty early on.

I wanted to cry more, but it was just too hard to maintain.

I really need to cry.

But that was something to happy about. Contrary to the last few days, where I couldn't even get my eyes to water.

I need to say something about writing.

When I get angry, I almost always never stop. Once, I got so angry at my brother for not knowing the answer to an overly simple mathematical equation, I grabbed his wrist and just kept on gripping it tighter and tighter, while he kept on wincing in pain. Luckily, I stopped.

If I were ever to enter a relationship, I assume that I would be the same. I dislike bringing harm upon someone, especially if it could've been avoided. And even if my anger issues become less of an "issue", well, I don't expect a relationship to help it get better - on the contrary, I think it'll make it much, much worse.

I've seriously ran out of options on how to not be so angry and irritated all the time. Sure, whenever I'm in public, my anger seems to be able to behave itself. It seems to become too shy to explode in front of everyone. But whenever I am alone with someone, my anger just explodes into a maelstrom of the impulse to harm something or someone. I guess it became used to being the good, quiet girl in front of everyone, huh.

I mean that.

I really, really need to have a good cry but I can't do it. No matter how many sad movies, sad music, and sad stories I find, I just can't cry. There are literally no movies on Netflix that are emotional or relatable enough for me to have a good cry to. The stories I've read that are said to be tear-jerkers are all boring "slice of life" books with yellow suns and cliche grey rains. I need a story that could actually make me cry, without boring me to death first. I can't cry to something I've lost interest in for Pete's sake!

Sigh, all of this is so tiring. Every single day, this clamp on my chest just keeps on getting tighter and tighter. It's to the point where it's painful. Not "painful" painful, but "uncomfortable" painful. Again, I'm positive, 100% sure that this is not PHYSICAL. It's freaking EMOTIONAL or MENTAL or WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS!

I just need a good cry. But how can I cry when there are 0 movies that display something that is rationally painful and sad. I've already watched all the good tear-jerkers out there. I can't cry to it anymore. If only I could just forget every single frame of every single scene, then I might be able to cry and release this shit.

It's hard to admit, but I've even gone to the point where I wished someone I care about would die, maybe then I'd cry. Maybe, but I don't know if I would. It's terrible of me to do so, it really is. I'm guilty of it, but I can't stop wishing for it.

I just realized that my best friend, my favorite cousin and my favorite sibling are all Virgos. And they're all extroverts too!

Though I don't profile a person using zodiac signs, considering how inaccurate and foolish it is, it is still a fact that the only people I have ever loved, besides myself, are all born in early September. Virgos - I love them so much. That quirky sense of humor, that charm and that cluelessness - I love it.

But I usually come to hate people who despise romance, who act like it's such a repulsive genre. I don't hate them because they hate romance. I just hate their personality; their opinions which contradict mine; their disgusting features. For example, my brother, who always expresses his disgust of romantic movies, is a person who dismisses other people's cries for help as just anxiety or delusions - completely ignoring the fact that these people chose to trust him with their unusual problem. I hate him. Whenever I see him and hear him, I always imagine him falling of the stairs and dying straight away - and I take delight in doing so.

Here's another example: I have a friend whom I cut ties with 2 months ago. She hates romance, she thinks it's weak and soft. I know it's a facade or rather a desperate attempt to cover up her insecurities, but I hate it. She is the kind of person who loves pretending she's okay, because she is an edgy piece of shit who thinks depression is cool. Why the heck would a couple of chemicals s destroying your health be "cool"? And she has no dignity whatsoever. Okay, I am not one who should talk about dignity, considering how I befriended my whole class only to discard them after I have used them, but she literally has none. None. She's an idiot too. Sigh. Hope she's doing well though. :)

While I am here with my best buddies who love watching and crying to cheesy romances - happy.

Virgin memes. Waifus. Rape jokes. What is so funny and interesting about them?

Them complaining about never spending a night with a girl or boy, then being all sad about it...I can't understand why having sex is like receiving a golden medal. And then, when a person does have sex, they're suddenly called a slut, a whore, a man-whore or a fuckboy.

It's so confusing.

I appreciate it so much more now. God! The script, the scenes...*chef's kiss*

Look at how it gets all tangled into this dry, sticky bunch of tentacles! It's frickin' irritating! Especially after swimming!

COVID, the only thing I hate about you is that you prevent me from going to the barber shop - but you're doing a good job at keeping me away from embarrassing and stressful situations, so we're still cool.

But the economy's as messed up as my hair because of you...and people are seriously struggling to even have food on the table because of you...

Now I'm torn between liking your presence and hating your presence. You have seriously turned me into a freaking neutral, a parasite to society - literally contributing to nothing.