Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji'un

I wonder too many times how every person can get up in the morning and make it through the day. How easy could it be for them to go through it without feeling the extra baggage around their shoulders?

Some days be like…

You will be truly happy - be able to moved on completely. Those moments will not haunt you anymore. Instead, it will just make you smile. Bygones be bygones.

You will be travelling in different places. You’ll have adventures you never even imagined before. You’ll have lots and lots of fun. Doing things you’re genuinely happy about.

You’ll have true friends. And maybe meet that one soulmate-bestfriend. She’s out there or it might be a he. You just click like you don’t keep secrets at all, that its okay to be honest with each other at all times. You can tell each other literally anything and feel comfy after saying it. You got each other’s back. You’ll lead each other to the right path - bestfriend for life and hereafter.

You will be paying off all your parents’ sacrifices for you. All those dreams you have for them will now come true. The debts will be paid off, the reconstruction of house, the business, the automobile - you’ll be able to pamper them this time around. And that dream retirement for them will now come to life.

You will now meet him, not specifically the boy whom you fell head over heels with back at high school. I’m talking about the guy who’ll meet your parents at your home and ask for your hand in marriage. You will settle down with him then finally, although you don’t believe it now, you’ll have your happily ever after.

Some days, someday.

----

The words echoing again and again. The slapping of hands against any parts of the body. Banging head on concrete walls. The knife with its blade almost touching the nape. The claws against wrist causing blood to drip nonstop.

It’ll be years full of first times – doing things I haven’t done before to have things I never had before. It will be amazing. These years will be exciting. There will be thousands of memories to make with people that matter. For sure, I’ll meet strangers who are yet to be friends. I’ll go places to and fro, fulfill bucket list and just be carefree. I’ll savor every moment in every single day including the little things because why not? I have to live in the moment. Of course, I will have to take risks. I will not avoid any circumstances no matter how hard unless it is a life and death situation. I have to grab on every opportunity; take chances even if it scares me. I will explore what else life has to offer me.

And every time they do, I smile first and say “Heto’t masaya.”

But still here I am, praying and hoping for You not to take it. Don’t take it yet. Let it be years before You do, please. There is still so many things to accomplished. This is not me complaining anything to You. This is me begging You not to. Not yet anyway.

I know this is just a trial for us. Everything in this world is nothing compared to what we should look forward to in the hereafter. After all we have to leave everything here. We will not be able to bring anything in the after life - not our wealth, things we love in this world, our friends nor our family. For this world was created simply for us to worship You, to do good and use that good deeds as our key to the real world after. Despite this, I still thank You. This could be worse than it already is. You made this happen not to punish us but to make us closer to You. It is the way for us to call You out even more.

You were sitting just a little away from the door yet still keeping an eye on me. You were right there with my dear brother. I can’t exactly remember how you dress up. Maybe it was a blue shirt with pants or might be a white one. Yet I remember the way you sit with your right leg on top of your left. You were not smiling. You were looking past the people in front of you. Brother was sitting beside you.

When I glanced outside, looking at you – wishing that you will look at me too, I really haven’t noticed but I was crying. Tears were falling. My brother seem confused when he saw me. He pulled your shirt and pointed his finger right at me. Then I saw your worried face. You stand abruptly, not wasting any moment. Knowing now that you don’t want to see me cry.

You entered the room and immediately went to me. You asked me why. I sniff then told you that some kid stole my chair. I was such a kid back then. A 5-year-old kid exactly. Because you see, it was during my kindergarten.

Then I remember how your face turned swiftly into relief. I heard a chuckle from you. You smiled then told me that I don’t have to worry apparently because there are a lot of vacant chairs right beside me. You stood up then got one and put it in my place. I remember you told me that it was okay. That it was just a chair. Then you wipe my tears away and head right back outside with brother.

 Fast forward.

 Night time. We all are watching some television show at the living room. There was mom seated together with dear sister at the long chair. There was my brothers too seated on the floor playing some childhood game. I don’t remember where dear old brother was that time. Maybe he was still at the kitchen.

I was there at the back. I was all hype with my hair tied up into a ponytail. I was wearing a red shirt with polka dots short. I was ready to do some kicking. I know. I know I’m a girl. Yet I’m a little boyish just like what you said. I love to learn boys stuff. For one, I love to do taekwondo. Not being feminist here but it was innate in me to be curious about this thing and believing that I too can do it.

I was there kicking thin air. Feeling like an expert, I kick with my right then turned around to kick another one with my left. At some point I tried to reach the tip of our door with my right foot. I tried and tried alternately with my left foot until ta-da I reached it.

At that moment you smiled right at me and heard you told mom that I’m such a strong willed child.

 Fast forward.

 You were away. Back then, I don’t know where you at. I just knew that you were not home.

Mom was cleaning the house. My sister was there too sweeping the floor. I was standing on a chair with a feather duster in my left hand trying to wipe the dust on the cabinet. We were busy. I am still a child here. 7 or 8 years old maybe.

Then we heard mom’s phone ring. It was you. It was your voice I heard. Mom was so excited. I can still remember how her eyes lit up and her mouth widen up reaching the corners of her ears. She was so happy hearing you. Everyone does.

Few minutes after, mom handed the phone to my sister. She told you to bring something fancy like a ticking clock where a cuckoo bird will appear when it strikes 12. Then here comes dear old brother telling you to buy him a shirt, a black one to suit him up any day. After that, mom handed the phone to me. I was glad to hear your voice. You asked what about me – what things would I like you to bring home for me. I said none. I said nothing. Instead I asked when will you go home.