Anxiety in recovery

It is still morning and I am already proud of myself (even though I am shaking).

I just made my appointment with therapist and I had to do three phone calls and I did it. I did it!

I am still sad, because I had to fu*k up my relationship first a bit to realise that I really shoukd seek help. Wish me luck with saving it and with appointment.

Today and yesterday were so so bad, awfully bad, that I finally decided to try therapy - once again after years. I won´t tell my parents, nor my friends, just my boyfriend who played very important role in this decision.

Why?

Because it took somebody else to get hurt for me to realise I can´t live like this anymore. 

I am unable to tell the triggers since I'm with my boyfriend and as relationship gets more and more serious I am less and less able to identify things, situations as possible triggers of panic, anxiety attack.

Right now I had it because I felt ignored, because nobody has read my short story. I felt so ignored and my mind kept repeating me the stories that happened to me, like my parents didn't saw me starving, like my friends ignored when I told them I wanna die, time when I got stood up, time when I was ghosted.

I've known too many people who talk about love of Jesus and yet they're hateful.

They hate LGBTQ+ people.

They hate feminist.

They told me my mental problems are just that my love for God is insufficient and that if I find God, it'll be all good.

They tell me to respect my man even if he acts badly and not to get divorced even if I suffer.

Sometimes they even speak to me about being slutty, because I am not waiting to get married, or that I'm horrible, because I've been through self harm.

Me: *don't get anxious

Me: wtf

BF: I need rest and calm and peace... I can't stand people.

Me: Well, I'm people.

BF: Nope, you're calm and peace.

Most romantic think I was ever told.

He: Finally a girl who loves books, not getting wasted...