Anxious Ruins

I’ve been just crying so much lately, I keep trying to remind myself I’m too hot for this, but here we are. 😭

How do I even explain my depression. It’s so weird because I used to loathe being alone, I mean spent 12 hours in a bar so I could hang out with people, just because being alone meant listening to the demons in my head telling me I was worthless. I don’t get depressed in a sense of I want to die, anymore, I used too but that’s not even a thought in my head. No it’s very different in the sense of I want to be alone. I just want to go off and be by myself for a bit. 4 years ago I made a pact that I’d hike the Appalachian trail, through and I’d do it alone, potentially with my dog. I can’t thru hike the trail this late in the season but I do think it could be a good time for she and I to take a hiatus, go on the trail for a week or two and just be one with nature. i used to be so adventurous, i didnt hesitate to get up and drift away in the middle of the night and start over somewhere new, often times, no, every time having no plan in place. I moved to Florida and lived in a tent with my cats because I got sick of the same view. I moved to Indiana in the middle of the night packing just two bags and my dog and made it work, because I felt like there was more to life. I feel almost stagnant, like I start to go bad or rot when I’m stuck, when I don’t get to satisfy that craving my soul longs for. I live through good views, the mists of waterfalls, the tension on your lungs in high altitude leaving you so close to breathless it’s almost overwhelming, the way your heart beats in your stomach when you’re a little too close to the edge but it’s also rushing enough adrenaline through you to save 12 people, I miss the rush of wandering off the trail to find that little untouched oasis tucked in the back of a mountain, being surrounded by trees, birds singing, squirrels running through the years of fallen leaves, just me and the natural world surrounding me and embracing me in its abundance of love. No revving of engines, no one screaming, no violence, or war, because when you are one with nature all of those worries, those anxieties are cast out into the universe to be someone else’s problem, you, you are surrounded by peace, the love of Mother Earth fills your cup and even if just for a moment, you are still, your cup is full and that, that is my cure.

unexpectedly had to euthanize my dog today… she was my best friend, she was always with me, slept beside me every night… I reached down to her spot to pet and she wasn’t there. I am distraught. It’s not fair that someone who didn’t even care about this dog had her for a majority of her life, like this lady brought her in to be euthanized and literally said “I don’t want her if someone else does that’s fine” and then signed her over without even a tear in her eyes, I’ve been crying since 7 last night because she was too tired compared to normal. I don’t regret a single day with her, she knew a love that most wouldn’t, until the last best of her heart. She was playing with me this time yesterday and now she’s gone.