Annie

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So, I’ve been thinking about this quite a lot lately. We are no different to any other group or section of society. Within the BDSM community we still operate within a label culture. There are labels for everything, Dominant, Submissive, Little, Daddy… the list goes on.

Whilst I can see some benefit to explaining your preference with a label, I also sometimes feel they can be pretty restrictive. Should a Dominant who mainly Doms in the bedroom be told he can only think of himself as a Top? If you like to inflict pain but only in certain ways, does that make you not a Sadist? Why is it that a Bratty Sub is often portrayed as a lesser Sub than a non-Brat?

I think that labels are useful, but I also think that we should understand that every Dom/Sub/Daddy/Little etc is different. Each person is an individual, with their own preferences and hard lines. And also, perhaps we are just as guilty as any other community of wanting to pigeon hole people, and make them fit conveniently into one of these aforementioned labels. I think there has to be a certain amount of fluidity around these terms and what they mean/how they’re applied?

Fundamentally, I think that you should do YOU. Don’t be too hung up on neatly fitting into a label. As long as you and your partner(s) are happy, that is all that counts. This dynamic is all about open communication, consent, respect and care. Oh and equality. Mustn’t forget that important one!

Feel free to comment with your opinions, or re-blog if you wish…

The issue was how things were portrayed. Readers focused on the sex and not on the scenes between fucking.

BDSM is not about spanking, or handcuffing, or sliding an ice cube down your lover’s chest. It’s about mutual respect and consensual alternatives to pleasure. It’s often not even about sex. You can be a virgin who is into BDSM. (Please read “Nana to Kaoru” for an example of good BDSM between virgins.)

“Fifty Shades of Grey” is a story about suppressing a woman and attempting to mold her into a BDSM slave, mostly against her wishes. It crossed lines the BDSM community would never dare cross. There was not full consent, there was a massive lack of mutual respect, and the dominance went beyond playtime. It claimed to be about sadomasochism, when what it really portrayed is a domestic abuse relationship.

I’m going to partially quote this website and this blog to show what actions Christian Grey uses against Ana which are in direct violation of the very essence of BDSM.

Duties of the Dom - This is the heart of BDSM. There is mutual trust between two or more people, a Dominant and a Submissive. There are rules and restrictions to keep everything safe, sane, and consensual. That mutual respect was not shown in the books. The BDSM community, and the duties of a Dom, were completely mocked. First, the contract was shown as a literal legal binding contract, which is WAY over the top. Normally, contracts are just verbal, “Can I do this? Is this okay?” Only rarely are they written down, mostly if the Dom has multiple Subs and needs to remember which restrictions to follow. Granted, Christian is some rich-ass bloke so he might need that legal side so some Sub doesn’t turn around and sue his ass for being an abusive fucker, but then he pressures Ana into signing it, which is precisely against the reason to have a contract between a Dom and Sub in the first place. If someone is not comfortable with an act, you NEVER pressure them into it. If they are not interested in BDSM and don’t want anything to do with it, holy fucking hell, DON’T EVER DEMAND THEY DO IT ANYWAY.The first rule of BDSM Club: don’t force others into BDSM Club.As a Dom, as soon as he realized she was NOT into the BDSM scene, he should have left her. You can’t force someone into being your Sub. Oh God, I can’t stress enough how utterly WRONG that is!!! Now, he could have dated her, eased her into it, started off with light things, worked her into more. But no. He flat out did not want to date her. He only wanted sex and a slave, and he didn’t want to wait for her to get used to it. He had ZERO consideration for her emotional well-being, which is against the very ESSENCE of being a Dom. He could have gotten an actual Slave, but no… for some godforsaken reason, he wanted her. Maybe that was part of the appeal to him: getting his way with someone who was not fully willing, breaking her in. That’s horrible to think about and puts a terrifying twist on the entire series, but it explains why he pressured Ana into this instead of going out and getting a real Slave.Give me a moment to explain something important. What Christian Grey wanted is not out of bounds for BDSM. What he wanted was a Slave, and that’s fine. There is an actual category of submissives known as Slaves. They are a rarity, because not many people are willing to have their lives so thoroughly controlled. BDSM Slaves crave to have that control placed over them. They want someone to control what they wear, what they eat, who they hang out with, etc. Mentally, they need this extreme level of control placed over them, or they simply can’t function well. We see a Slave in the ex-submissive, and we see how Christian dropped her so coldly, she honestly could not handle the freedom. That was horrifically cruel of him. Slaves have a delicate mental state, and a good Dom caters to their emotional needs even after they no longer want that person as their Sub. Ana is not a Slave. She doesn’t want this level of extreme submissiveness, and she’s vocal about it. Most of the not-sex storyline is her balking at his restrictions. It’s the main source of conflict in the first novel: she doesn’t want her diet to be restricted, he forces her to eat more, sometimes sitting there and intimidating her until she eats. He KEEPS PRESSURING HER and demanding that she obey all those rules, and she keeps attempting to reassert her freedom only to have her opinions and requests bluntly ignored, or only grudgingly compromised. THAT RIGHT THERE is a huge violation of BDSM. The biggest thing separating BDSM from domestic abuse is consent and intent. She did not give her consent to be a pure Slave. He kept demanding it. BAM! NOT FUCKING BDSM!!! The entire relationship, each and every act, is not BDSM, because it lacks the respect and mutual trust a Dom and Sub must have.

Intimidation - He threatens to hit Ana for getting drunk before they’re even in a relationship. He again threatens to hit her if she rolls her eyes at him, and when she does, he follows through. When he attempts to feel up her leg at the restaurant and she pushes his hand away, he glares at her, as if to say “you’ll pay for this.” In chapter 18, they’re discussing his desire to spank her again. When Ana asks if he’s going to hit her, he replies: “Yes, but it won’t be to hurt you. I don’t want to punish you right now. If you’d caught me yesterday evening, well that would have been a different story…”  So, basically, had he seen her the previous night, when she simply forgot to call him, he’d have hit her in order to actually hurt her, rather than as a part of a sexy, consensual BDSM scene. That’s called physical abuse, guys. He also has a habit of yanking her arm or forcefully carrying her whenever she doesn’t want to go with him. It’s passive at times, but he uses intimidation and flat out threats through all aspects of his life, not just in the playroom. Threatening to hit someone as punishment for perfectly normal actions, like forgetting to call, drinking with friends, or not wanting intimacy in public, is abuse.

Possessiveness - He shows anger when she visits her own mother but does not tell him. He gets jealous of her male friends and demands she not hang around them. These are classic warning signs of domestic abuse.

Stalking - THIS was plain creepy, maybe because I’ve had a few stalkers in my life. Christian Grey takes stalking to a whole other level. He shows up at her workplace, her apartment, he repeatedly calls her when she won’t respond, he even flies across the country to harass her at her mom’s house when she obviously went there to escape from his abusiveness.

Imprisonment - It was right in the fucking contract. “The Dominant reserves the right to dismiss the submissive from his service at any time and for any reason. The submissive may request her release at any time, such request to be granted at the discretion of the Dominant.” She even catches it. He’s allowed to drop her at any time, for any reason, but if she wants to break up… nope, she has to BEG FOR PERMISSION which may or may not be granted. That… shiiiit… I hope I don’t have to explain how utterly wrong that is.

Dubious Consent - He bypasses consent. A LOT. Even with the contract, he openly admits that he got her drunk so that she would agree to it. What. The. Fuck. Oh, but she “communicates better” when she’s drunk. Folks, never trust someone who purposely gets you drunk so you’ll have kinky sex with them. This means the entire contract is legally void, since she agreed under the influence. It means their entire relationship as a BDSM couple is void as well.

Gaslighting - This term has been in the media a lot, and you can find it in many things Christian Grey says. It boils down to saying and doing things which makes a person’s perception and sense of reality invalid. He preys on her lack of confidence, right from Chapter 3 and their first date, makes her question just about everything that is her reality, and then invalidates her opinions by enforcing his demands.

Bodily Respect - There are so many examples of this through all three books. In the “sex on her period” scene, he actually yanks her tampon out, without asking if that’s okay first, which by her reaction, IT WAS NOT. Many women compare such a personal violation as equal to rape itself. Having been a victim of something similar, that scene really angered me. Even worse was about birth control. Ana didn’t want to be on the pill. Christian flat out demanded and threatened her to take it because he didn’t like condoms. When she rightly states “It’s my body,” he counters with “It’s my body too.” Holy fucking shit, NO! A thousand times NO! And then every time she doesn’t take them, he’s outraged. When she ends up pregnant, he’s so furious that she honestly fears he’s going to leave her. HE COULDN’T JUST PUT A RUBBER ON HIS DICK??? No, he has to force his girlfriend into taking a pill with horrible side effects, a pill she has to take daily rather than him just covering his dick when he wants sex, or get a shot which is painful for her, all because he doesn’t like fucking with a condom on. And then he’s practically like, “If you don’t obey me, you won’t get sex.” Godfuckingdammit, I cannot even begin to express how outraged I was at Christian for THAT ALONE!

Comfort Zone Breach - Not just Christian, but Ana has flaws. It’s okay if our partner doesn’t want certain levels of intimacy. What’s not okay is when you’re in a longterm relationship, you want something, your partner does not, and you try to demand it. One of them wants to go out on dates, the other hates that idea. One wants to sleep in the same bed, the other wants their partner in a completely separate room, upstairs, away from them. That’s a sign that this isn’t going to work out, and that’s what Ana and Christian struggle through. He compromises, but grudgingly. He doesn’t WANT to compromise, he shouldn’t NEED to, and she shouldn’t FORCE him to change his comfort zone. Then there’s the touching his chest thing. He repeats many times, don’t touch his chest. Simple, right? She keeps trying. Now, I picked up on this because my husband has the same issue. I can touch everywhere but his nipples. Those are a hard limit no-touch zone. I couldn’t understand why until he finally told me about his issue. Hard limits are often connected to abuse, so they’re difficult to explain even to a loving partner, which is WHY they should be HONORED. Ana does not honor Christian’s bodily comfort zone. She keeps trying, keeps at it, becomes fixated on touching his chest. Jesus, woman, he doesn’t want it touched, don’t fucking touch it!

Ignoring Instincts - She completely ignores and suppresses her inner voice. (Not the pirouetting muse, but the sane side of her brain.) She complains about Christian to her roommate, she does not feel comfortable around him, she despises the idea of being his “sex slave” when he first mentions BDSM. Once Ana has experienced being spanked, she finds that she has mixed feelings about it. She emails Christian and tells him that she was shocked to find herself aroused since, during the spanking, she actually felt abused. ABUSED! Any caring Dom would immediately realize their partner isn’t up for BDSM at all, or they need to slow this WAAAAAY down. But Christian? No. He replies: “If that is how you feel, do you think you could try to embrace these feelings? Deal with them for me? That’s what a submissive would do.” Are you kidding me you fucking little manipulative piece of shit??? Yeah, so in other words, “Hey, sorry you feel like I abused you, but you know… you gotta just accept it, because other girls would.” And she doesn’t even realize she’s just told him he’s being ABUSIVE and he’s just slammed her down. Fuck, girl! She even calls her mother in tears when she realizes how horribly her relationship with him is going. Instead of realizing she was right from the very first spank and she’s being abused, she keeps returning to him.

“He Will Change” Mentality - Oh God, this one! It’s so common that people (no matter the gender) don’t see just how wrong it is. “He will change. I’ll change her. I can make them better.” Or even worse, this idealistic concept: “If you try hard enough, be patient, love enough, the person you are with will eventually come around and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.” Jesus Christ on a popcicle stick NO! This is dangerous, potentially DEADLY. This is how you get into toxic relationships that can seriously harm you. When making important decisions, such as entering into a relationship, it’s important to base that decision on who the person is today – not who they may become tomorrow. You likely won’t change them. You shouldn’t be burdened to do that. It’s seriously fucking dangerous, okay???

Rape - I saved this one for last, because it shocks almost every casual reader who liked the series. Yes, Christian Grey rapes Ana. He’s a rapist. She was sexually violated by her boyfriend. Okay, so here’s the scene. Christian turns up at her apartment (uninvited). He tries to seduce Ana, she tells him that she doesn’t want sex and would rather talk. He does not respect her wishes and continues to be forceful. “‘No,’ I protest, kicking him off.”  After such a definite “no” to sex, he replies: “If you struggle, I’ll tie your feet, too. If you make a noise, Anastasia, I will gag you. Keep quiet. Katherine is probably outside listening, right now.” He then proceeds to have sex with her, in spite of her trying to kick him away and saying a rather firm “No!” That’s rape, by the way. EL James writes that Ana enjoys the sex that Christian forced on her, so we’re meant to ignore the fact that she asked him to stop and even physically tried to force him away. She enjoyed it, so that makes it all okay, right? Fucking Satan with a spiked dildo NO! I don’t care if he’s got a cock to rival Zeus, rape is rape, even if it felt good! If a person doesn’t want sex, and sex is forced upon them, especially under threat like what he did, I don’t care if you’re dating, married, if you orgasmed, if it felt FUCKING AWESOME … it was still a rape. Meet Christian Grey: confirmed rapist!

Ugh… I hope this wordy rant explains why “Fifty Shades of Grey” is not about BDSM, but about abuse and the suppression of a young and rather naive woman by a powerful and dominating man. Maybe the sex scenes were hot (when they weren’t utterly repulsive), but when you take out all the fucking and spanking, what happens between the two of them in day-to-day life is a terrifying example of domestic abuse.

BDSM is so much more beautiful than that. It’s mutual, it’s respectful, it honors the Submissive as something precious, a gift bestowed upon the Dominant, to be cherished and spoiled … not a Dominant who demands, pesters, belittles, coerces, threatens, and ultimately rapes the Submissive.

When people in the BDSM community learn about a person like Christian Grey, they shun that person. They warn Subs against getting involved, because that’s not BDSM. It’s abuse. It’s dangerous, potentially life-threatening. I can’t help but wonder if that’s precisely WHY Christian Grey chased after a neophyte like Ana. Maybe the BDSM community in Seattle had heard the stories and knew he was bad news. He apparently left a trail of shattered Slaves in his wake, and that doesn’t go unnoticed, even if it’s not reported due to respect for privacy and not “outing” someone to the police.

Maybe he went after Ana because the BDSM community knew not to get involved with him, and since he simply couldn’t find a real Slave, he decided to create one of his own, someone who wouldn’t know the boundaries, wouldn’t see when he crosses them, and wouldn’t realize the idea that “you can’t leave me unless I give you permission” is total and utter bullshit.

Abusive behavior is something you really do have to watch out for, not just in the BDSM scene, but in every relationship. BDSM practitioners just happen to notice the abuse easier, since we know the vital importance of consent, intent, and mutual respect. EL James obviously did not understand the importance of consent to the BDSM community. She wrote a fanfic about Twilight characters fucking, she turned it into a novel about fucking, and she truly had no understanding of the community she was so poorly portraying.