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‘‘Today, September 18, 2019, i’ve decided to let go of my ‘She’.

She’s my best friend, and we have a very special connection between us. Among our group of friends, and our other friends, she’s the one that i really can’t afford to lose, and vice versa (we’ve both admitted that to each other). We’re very close, we’re always next to each other. Whenever we’re with our other friends, there’s always these moments just between the two of us where we give each other some short but deep glances. I don’t know why we always do that, but we do. We don’t always talk about these moments, but we know that it’s there, that it exists. But those moments i mentioned above, they all disappear when her boyfriend is around. The usual “seated next to each other” would become “seated on both ends of the seat”, the glances wouldn’t make an appearance, and the whispers as well. When her bf’s around, it’s like we’re not even THAT close. (We’ve been best friends for almost six years, and her relationship with her boyfriend has been going on for a little more than one year)

But then a month ago i finally told her that i like both guys and girls. I thought she’d avoid me, but nah, we actually became much closer. The day after i told her, we met with our other friends, and that day she was extra clingy and touchy. Ever since i told her, we would text all day long until we fall asleep. I would sometimes try ending our conversations by texting back something that didn’t require a reply from her. But few hours later she would find some random reason to text me, and then our non stop conversation would start again. The past few weeks we’ve been spending our time together almost everyday–before, it would sometimes take weeks or a month before we would see each other, so the past few weeks was kind of a big change.

It would’ve been okay for me, great, actually. Problem is, i’m falling for her more and more. But she sees me just as her best friend, and she has a boyfriend. Even though she’s been wanting to break up with him. She almost did, actually. Just the other day. She told him that she wasn’t happy with him anymore, but then she panicked when he told her that if it would make her happy to let her go, then he would. She panicked and asked him, “you’re going to let go just as easily as that??” he answered with something like “you’re the one who let go first”, then she realised he was right. She felt bad and then yeah, she didn’t go through the break up. Now they’re all rainbows and unicorns again.

I know all of that because she told me just yesterday. Yesterday was also the day I was going to tell her about how i feel for her. But my courage wavered every time she talked about her boyfriend. I tried to earn back the courage that i lost as we talked about things; we got to talk about songs and music, and then she showed me some songs that reminded her of her and her boyfriend. So my courage–it wavered and wavered until finally there’s nothing left. Then i gave up.

My initial plan when i went to her place was to tell her that i feel something for her, then put some space between us. Avoid texting her, or seeing her for a while. But yeah, i couldn’t tell her. So last night i went home and just stared at my room’s ceiling, and i realised and decided some things for myself; i could still put some space between us, but the difference is, she wouldn’t know the reason why. She doesn’t really need to know the reason. She’s already happy, even if it’s with someone else, and really that’s the best thing i could hope for her. I don’t need to get myself between them or into her thoughts, only to mess things up for her.

If she’s happy, then i have to let go. Even if it hurts me emotionally, and my chest physically.

I can’t go on like this forever.

Now, I’m ready to let go of my 'She’.